h’s blog

started this in 2016, took a 6 year hiatus… viola

[originaltoad]

Girl. I cannot find who it is but I owe a huge thank you to the person who wrote a mentos renaissance faire fic that was so good it made me immediately book a trip to the Ren Faire. Ive never been before but now it will easily be an annual outing (at LEAST) from here on out.

Wore my hair in a single plain braid in honor of Sir Mel.

[originaltoad]

You know what?

I may not be for everyone but that’s ok.

[originaltoad]

[originaltoad]

I felt like a kid again today. The calm and pure happiness just washed over me and god, I couldn’t stop smiling.

My story is not one of darkness

[originaltoad]

I’m working on being a bit more myself at work, as being a completely different person in an environment with coworkers I don’t like for the majority of my day is rather torturous.

Anyways, I’ve had 2 instances where I let my inner toad out. The first did not go well. I had to talk to an admin. The second one just occurred and I feel much better about it.

Part of my teaching philosophy is treating the high schoolers I work with respect and giving them a taste of what their upcoming adulthood is like. I try to be honest about my own thoughts, beliefs, and feelings while stressing that I am just one person, like they are. And everyone is different. And they are allowed to be different from me. However, we always treat one another with respect and I lead by example. We say “yes ma’am” and “no sir” and while we don’t raise hands to ask questions, we wait for an appropriate time within a lesson or conversation to politely interject. We establish early in year that I am not perfect and need breaks every now and then. During this time they are to respect my boundaries. In return, I respect their boundaries. Students often need brain breaks, and seem to have chronic bladder control issues at the same time. The school rule is bathroom breaks are limited to 10 minutes. I ask if they need a bathroom break or a break. I reward their honesty when they say the latter. They get 10 minutes to wander, however if I get any calls about disruption to other classes or they get brought back by security-well, break times over.

Back to today.

A senior asked to go to the bathroom. I say “Yessir, there’s one right next door today, it shouldn’t take too long, right?” He’s got a tendency to abuse the bathroom break rule with other teachers. He’s a bit difficult to get along with, especially if he feels disrespected. Which is often a lot as he is not traditionally respectful towards other teachers. In return, they treat him with a bit more strictness (for lack of better word) than I would. I understand his frustration, hence why I go above and beyond to make him feel welcome, seen, respected, and treated as equally as all other students. So I stop myself and rephrase the question, “Or do you need it to be a ten minute break?” He says “Yes ma’am.”

Great! Go on ahead, just remember, “I do need you back in 10 minutes, but take that time to do what you need to be ready for class again!”

He leaves, we continue on.

10 minutes and probably 30 seconds later he comes back into the room, but I’m chill. I don’t mind a minute, but I do have to make sure pushing the time doesn’t become a habit. So he walks back in the room and I start screaming at the top of my lungs, again this is new behavior for me as I’m trying to let myself be a bit more authentic at work. So this poor child does not expect me to go “DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG YOU’VE BEEN GONE?! WE’VE BEEN WORRIED SICK. [untrue, I just happened to check my watch as he came back] ITS BEEN ALMOST ELEVEN MINUTES.”

Dude is ready to fight immediately. (What does that say about the other adults in his life I wonder.)

He’s sputtering and before he can really get going, I say, “Hey buddy, I’m just messing with you, it’s ok, really.”

We both laugh, he sits down and gets back to work.

Anyways, there’s nothing that (approx 80% of) older students hate more than being called out in front of everyone. Whether that be praise or a scolding. I used that “public scolding” as a reinforcer to ensure he stays within his allotted time, but made sure to clear the air between us after so he knew I wasn’t going to take his privilege away.

I love teaching. I love my kids. I hate my coworkers, but adults suck anyways.

That’s where this story should end. That’s the end of me being myself. Or so I thought.

Whilst I’m yelling, another child slips out before I can give him the same spiel. He had asked to go to the bathroom a few minutes earlier and I told him to ask me again when X got back. Obviously he has a bit harder a time following the program. It’s to be expected. He’s only a freshman. I’ll talk to him when he gets back.

There’s another teacher in the room with me, she’s with the class everyday whereas I am only with them every other day. Because of this (and my young age, and a serious lack of backbone, and a problem with my own self image) she has more authority in the classroom. Not ideal for co-teaching, but I understand how it happened.

Additionally, she is a tough pill for me to swallow.

This lovely tough pill was out of the classroom when all this went down. She came back to class approximately 8 minutes after the freshman went to the bathroom. I ask her “Mrs. H, did you see our student in the hallway?”

Immediately the entire class is being addressed with “No, but I saw X out there about 15 minutes ago when he knows he’s not allowed out. And he definitely shouldn’t be out while the freshman is out. They should both know they are not allowed to go to the bathroom/leave class/do anything without my permission.” (reader’s choice, I can’t remember exactly what she said, but y’all know what she was getting at).

The senior is mortified. I’m livid. I hold eye contact with her, allowing my surprise to show. Mouth open, eyebrows raised in shock. She did not just speak to me and my kids that way.

I wait two minutes. I calmly get up and call security asking for my student to be found and returned to class as he has exceeded the 10 minute window, thank you very much for your help sir, I appreciate it. I hang up.

I walk to her desk at the front of the room.

“I told X he was allowed to take a lap. He came back exactly 10 minutes later, as the school rule states—“ “Yes, but he—“ “I’m not finished. The next time you implement a rule like that and expect it to be followed you need to inform me of it. I told him he could leave. He followed my directions. If you need to blame anyone, blame me. Tell me your expectations next time so I can ensure they are followed.”

“Yes ma’am.”

This exchange happened publicly, so that every student in that classroom would understand what it means to be an adult. So that they knew that there is a person in that school that has their back.

That my friends is me being myself.

[djbodyhorror]

jerkin it. And by jerkin. Lerts just say. A sleeveless jacket or coat

[originaltoad]

Me at the Ren Faire

[spinosacha]

This is Doris Pollas, the cofounder of the organisation now known as lgbt+ Denmark which by being founded in 1948 is one of the oldest ongoing queer organisation in the world.

Doris lived in a farm in Jutland as a child. She was always butch and figured out she was a lesbian in her teens. When she heard about a club in copenhagen where boys kissed boys and girls kissed girls she went just some months after and it was through that club she started a paper connecting queer people all up to seventies and co founded lgbt+ Denmark.

She is now 97 years old and wishes for every queer person to have an as loving and accepting family as she did.

I don’t see a lot of older gays from my country, so learning about Doris, a masc lesbian, was really nice.

[mournfulroses]

Tove Ditlevsen, from a poem featured in There Lives a Young Girl in Me Who Will Not Die: Selected Poems

[originaltoad]

I have exactly zero thoughts in my head after yoga.

A man was standing in front of my locker and I just stood there staring at him.

After a few minutes he turned to me and goes,”Oh I’m sorry am I in your way?”

To which I respond (Remember my brain is empty. No thoughts. No filters.), “I was only letting you be in my way.”

[originaltoad]

Nothing like going to the aquarium and going, “Oh yeah baby. I know what I’m gonna eat later.”

Actually, going to the beach and passing the shrimp and crab shack on the way there is pretty damn close

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500 miles is no longer applicable to my life. I’m happy right here

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Sorry to the yogi pros who got an eyeful of my whale tail and pubes today. Good thing I didn’t have my glasses on to make meaningful eye contact

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I’ve got a deep rooted jealousy for women who feel comfortable expressing and being themselves.

It’s something I need to work on.

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When I poop I call it expelling my demons. It helps me visualize letting go of the negatives in my life. I guess that’s why it hurts so bad, the negatives and the demons have a way of sticking with us even when we don’t want them to

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Wait this actually makes so much sense. I’ve been constipated for weeks bc I’ve been bottling all my emotions up. Now that I’m unpacking everything I have diarrhea

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When I poop I call it expelling my demons. It helps me visualize letting go of the negatives in my life. I guess that’s why it hurts so bad, the negatives and the demons have a way of sticking with us even when we don’t want them to

[originaltoad]

there will always be obstacles and setbacks. just don’t let them stop you from finding peace

[originaltoad]

my poor noggin. my poor self. i have not been treating them right