A Food Service Faerie

Here I work in the OSHA kitchen, making food with a well-meaning moron.

[concoctionboy]

Okay, so the HOA here has had it out for me and @unexpectedly-wizardposting for a long time, but now they've sunk to a new low. They've started spreading the word to adventurers that @unexpectedly-wizardposting's house is a dungeon where they can get loot and experience.

Like this evening two different guys with humongous swords they shouldn't be able to carry and one guy who was basically just glowing eyes in a hooded cloak showed up to the house looking for a challenge.

I don't even know where the HOA found these people.

[the-mighty-dalob]

You know what usually helps against that?

A skeleton guard and Fire traps!

[concoctionboy]

I, uh, don't have those things.

Plus I'm pretty sure skeleton guards and fire traps would be against HOA regulations, but honestly with all the stuff the HOA has pulled I'm kind of caring less and less about HOA regulations with every passing day, and I don't think I really cared all that much to begin with.

[the-mighty-dalob]

The offer to burn them down is still out there as well...

[concoctionboy]

Okay, I've been going over the HOA bylaws, and I think technically by the letter of the law a skeleton guard wouldn't actually be in violation of the HOA rules as written, as long as it has an ID chip and has had a rabies shot.

(I know skeleton guards can't get rabies. At least, I'm pretty sure skeleton guards can't get rabies. I'm just relating what the wording of the HOA laws says.)

[the-mighty-dalob]

... ... How would you inject a skeleton?

[concoctionboy]

I mean, I'm not sure; I'm just relating what the HOA bylaws say. I mean, they don't explicitly refer to skeletons, but they don't exclude skeleton guards; they just say that any guard animals have to have been inoculated for rabies. And yes, I know that skeletons aren't animals by most standard definitions, but this is superseded by the fact that in a different section the HOA bylaws actually define what they mean by animal in their rules, and they define it as any nonhuman creature capable of movement, so that would include skeletons. (And yes, by that definition, like, Venus flytraps would be animals, and sponges wouldn't, but I mean I don't think whichever HOA committee wrote the bylaws had any biologists on it. I'm not saying the wording of the HOA bylaws actually makes logical sense; I'm just saying what the letter of the laws actually implies.)

So, yeah, if you put all this together technically the HOA bylaws do allow skeleton guards as long as they've had rabies shots, but yeah, how you would give a skeleton a shot is kind of a good question. I guess you could get a really strong needle that could penetrate bone and inject the vaccine into their marrow? Or maybe just squirting it into their eye socket is enough. I don't know. I don't think the HOA bylaws ever try to explicitly define what inoculation means, so there may be some wiggle room here.

[the-mighty-dalob]

OR we could pretend they are inoculated and just forge the documents!

[concoctionboy]

I mean, it's kind of a moot point since I don't have any way to create a skeleton guard anyway.

Also if we did have a skeleton guard and pointed out to the HOA that it's technically allowed by their bylaws it's not like they'd just say "Curses! Hoist by our own petard!", swirl their capes around their faces, and disappear. (Although that would be pretty great if they did. Also, only one of them wears a cape.) Probably they'd just have a meeting and change the bylaws. They do that all the time. I mean, sure, the bylaws wouldn't change immediately, and for a few days the skeleton guard would be technically in compliance with their written rules.

Also, actually I don't think the HOA bylaws have any real legal weight to them anyway, so I'm not sure how much it actually matters if we're fully in compliance with them. Like, @unexpectedly-wizardposting, you didn't sign any official document agreeing to follow HOA rules when you moved here, did you?

[the-mighty-dalob]

You might not have the Option but i DO...

And i love fucking around with organizations like HOAs...

[concoctionboy]

Well, I mean... I'm not sure a skeleton guard and fire traps would actually help that much; they might just... further convince adventurers that there must be treasure here. On the other hand, I guess it's worth a try; I mean, I guess I'd be willing to see if having skeleton guardians actually deterred the adventurers and/or the HOA, if @unexpectedly-wizardposting is okay with it, but this is her place so the decision is really hers...

[sorcererest-sorcerer]

“Are you sure you actually hate the HOA? You don’t seem very motivated to be rid of them, and you are suspiciously well versed in their bylaws…”

[concoctionboy]

Look, (a) I'm not a violent slime and prefer to find means that don't involve killing people (or grievously injuring them) in possible, and (b) this isn't even my place; it's @unexpectedly-wizardposting's house and she's just letting me stay here; and I don't want to get her in further trouble.

As for their bylaws, I mean, it's like Sun Tzu said, know your enemy. And it's not like they keep them a secret. There's a big book of the bylaws in the community center that anyone can flip through.

[oshagoblin]

simply kill and eat this "HOA" and your problems will be resolved

[concoctionboy]

No, see, that, uh, still involves killing people, which is basically what I'm trying to avoid.

I just want them to leave us alone, and I kind of hope there are ways to achieve that that don't involve death or grievous bodily harm.

[oshagoblin]

perhaps you are simply too squeamish, slime child. i can offer a contract to slay them for you if you offer something of worth and value...

[concoctionboy]

Okay, so the HOA here has had it out for me and @unexpectedly-wizardposting for a long time, but now they've sunk to a new low. They've started spreading the word to adventurers that @unexpectedly-wizardposting's house is a dungeon where they can get loot and experience.

Like this evening two different guys with humongous swords they shouldn't be able to carry and one guy who was basically just glowing eyes in a hooded cloak showed up to the house looking for a challenge.

I don't even know where the HOA found these people.

[the-mighty-dalob]

You know what usually helps against that?

A skeleton guard and Fire traps!

[concoctionboy]

I, uh, don't have those things.

Plus I'm pretty sure skeleton guards and fire traps would be against HOA regulations, but honestly with all the stuff the HOA has pulled I'm kind of caring less and less about HOA regulations with every passing day, and I don't think I really cared all that much to begin with.

[the-mighty-dalob]

The offer to burn them down is still out there as well...

[concoctionboy]

Okay, I've been going over the HOA bylaws, and I think technically by the letter of the law a skeleton guard wouldn't actually be in violation of the HOA rules as written, as long as it has an ID chip and has had a rabies shot.

(I know skeleton guards can't get rabies. At least, I'm pretty sure skeleton guards can't get rabies. I'm just relating what the wording of the HOA laws says.)

[the-mighty-dalob]

... ... How would you inject a skeleton?

[concoctionboy]

I mean, I'm not sure; I'm just relating what the HOA bylaws say. I mean, they don't explicitly refer to skeletons, but they don't exclude skeleton guards; they just say that any guard animals have to have been inoculated for rabies. And yes, I know that skeletons aren't animals by most standard definitions, but this is superseded by the fact that in a different section the HOA bylaws actually define what they mean by animal in their rules, and they define it as any nonhuman creature capable of movement, so that would include skeletons. (And yes, by that definition, like, Venus flytraps would be animals, and sponges wouldn't, but I mean I don't think whichever HOA committee wrote the bylaws had any biologists on it. I'm not saying the wording of the HOA bylaws actually makes logical sense; I'm just saying what the letter of the laws actually implies.)

So, yeah, if you put all this together technically the HOA bylaws do allow skeleton guards as long as they've had rabies shots, but yeah, how you would give a skeleton a shot is kind of a good question. I guess you could get a really strong needle that could penetrate bone and inject the vaccine into their marrow? Or maybe just squirting it into their eye socket is enough. I don't know. I don't think the HOA bylaws ever try to explicitly define what inoculation means, so there may be some wiggle room here.

[the-mighty-dalob]

OR we could pretend they are inoculated and just forge the documents!

[concoctionboy]

I mean, it's kind of a moot point since I don't have any way to create a skeleton guard anyway.

Also if we did have a skeleton guard and pointed out to the HOA that it's technically allowed by their bylaws it's not like they'd just say "Curses! Hoist by our own petard!", swirl their capes around their faces, and disappear. (Although that would be pretty great if they did. Also, only one of them wears a cape.) Probably they'd just have a meeting and change the bylaws. They do that all the time. I mean, sure, the bylaws wouldn't change immediately, and for a few days the skeleton guard would be technically in compliance with their written rules.

Also, actually I don't think the HOA bylaws have any real legal weight to them anyway, so I'm not sure how much it actually matters if we're fully in compliance with them. Like, @unexpectedly-wizardposting, you didn't sign any official document agreeing to follow HOA rules when you moved here, did you?

[the-mighty-dalob]

You might not have the Option but i DO...

And i love fucking around with organizations like HOAs...

[concoctionboy]

Well, I mean... I'm not sure a skeleton guard and fire traps would actually help that much; they might just... further convince adventurers that there must be treasure here. On the other hand, I guess it's worth a try; I mean, I guess I'd be willing to see if having skeleton guardians actually deterred the adventurers and/or the HOA, if @unexpectedly-wizardposting is okay with it, but this is her place so the decision is really hers...

[sorcererest-sorcerer]

“Are you sure you actually hate the HOA? You don’t seem very motivated to be rid of them, and you are suspiciously well versed in their bylaws…”

[concoctionboy]

Look, (a) I'm not a violent slime and prefer to find means that don't involve killing people (or grievously injuring them) in possible, and (b) this isn't even my place; it's @unexpectedly-wizardposting's house and she's just letting me stay here; and I don't want to get her in further trouble.

As for their bylaws, I mean, it's like Sun Tzu said, know your enemy. And it's not like they keep them a secret. There's a big book of the bylaws in the community center that anyone can flip through.

[oshagoblin]

simply kill and eat this "HOA" and your problems will be resolved

[osha-cafeteria-worker]

What is very clearly a dead god and a being of dreams is in the doorway of the cafeteria, patiently standing there with a clipboard. Their true form has faded significantly and is barely visible, but he can just about make out the conceptual abstraction of vision. Their more typically perceivable form takes the shape of a humanoid with the head of some sort of fox adorned with horns, a long feathered tail, and two scorpion's tails sprouting from their back.

@spoons-and-coathangers

"Hey there fella, you have a really unique look."

Mike realizes how that could come off and corrects himself.

"I specifically mean the astral component, most people don't have an astral component to their appearance."

[spoons-and-coathangers]

"Ah, you must be Mike. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance. As for my astral component, that's a leftover from before I died." Their expression remains flatly neutral throughout, and they don't leave the doorway.

[osha-cafeteria-worker]

"Mm, yeah, dying is always rough. Hope you didn't take it too hard."

Mike waves them in, "Come on in, I have plenty of food. I can even cater to more immaterial hungers if that's what you need."

[spoons-and-coathangers]

They smile slightly, reminiscing something in their mind.

"I took it better than most of my colleagues, given how many of them don't exist anymore." They pause to look around the cafeteria before entering. "As for the food, I don't believe I have ever partaken in anything like that. Perhaps I will have to return here when I am not occupied with work."

[osha-cafeteria-worker]

"Sure, come by any time! Just walk through any door on the grounds while thinking about lunch and you'll be here!"

[spoons-and-coathangers]

They nod once. "Noted. Speaking of the aforementioned work, my current business is informing all involved persons about the new regulations regarding the signing of contracts in dreams. You and Myrdin are the last names on my list, as you were deemed the least likely to be affected of all who might possibly be."

[osha-cafeteria-worker]

"Oh, yeah, uh. I do dream stuff, and Myrdin does contracts, but neither of us have done a contract in a dream, I think?"

[spoons-and-coathangers]

Again, they nod once. "Then you should indeed be unaffected. I am still obligated to inform you of the changes, however. The Council of Contracts, in conjunction with the Council of Dreams, has decided that, since the majority of mortals now view dreams as some form of manifestation of the mind rather than visiting the dream worlds, all contracts made within dreams are now null and void due to the implication of the signee not believing it to be real."

[oshagoblin]

They hear a hoarse, malevolent cackle from the kitchen, as Myrdin scrabbles out.

"That's quaint. To think of there being such a clean delineation between dream and reality. I think you will find that faerie contracts will remain very much intact despite bureaucratic protestations, dreamspeaker."

[spoons-and-coathangers]

They simply look over in his direction and issue a polite nod.

"Greetings, you must be the one who goes by Myrdin." They are being very carefully intentional with their words, making every effort to not say anything that might constitute an offence under the social rule of the fae. "The councils are well aware of the blurred line between the two realms, as they are also of the business of the faeries. These regulations are intended to be guidelines, not laws, and every measure is being afforded to ensure that affected parties and peoples are able to continue their cultures and practices. Emissaries to the fae courts have been sent with the hopes of negotiating fair terms regarding the new regulations and suggest alterations to current practice such that mortals need not find themselves faced with the consequences of signing contracts they did not believe to be real."

[oshagoblin]

"That's very cute. I'm sure you mean well, but don't expect your emissaries to return if they plan to dictate to the faeries that their contracts must be nullified. You may as well as them nicely to tear their teeth from their own skulls."

Myrdin grins, revealing his mouthful of sharklike teeth.

"The Gentry do not negotiate on any terms but theirs."

[spoons-and-coathangers]

Neonorei is entirely unfazed by the grin. "Your concern for the safety of the council's emissaries is appreciated. There is no intention for dictation or contract nullification; the Council of Contracts simply wish to offer suggestions on behalf of general mortal wellbeing. These suggestions have no requirement to be followed, and the fae courts will continue to be granted every freedom to act as they please. Regardless, I have no power to change that council's mind; I am simply working as their temporary messenger, so any acts of self-destruction on their part are beyond the control of both myself and the council on which I sit."

[oshagoblin]

Myrdin looks up at Neonorei, still grinning.

"Your concern for mortals is quite admirable, but the Gentry don't share it. Even other faerie creatures receive naught but contempt from the lordly courts. Good luck, dreamspeaker."

[osha-cafeteria-worker]

What is very clearly a dead god and a being of dreams is in the doorway of the cafeteria, patiently standing there with a clipboard. Their true form has faded significantly and is barely visible, but he can just about make out the conceptual abstraction of vision. Their more typically perceivable form takes the shape of a humanoid with the head of some sort of fox adorned with horns, a long feathered tail, and two scorpion's tails sprouting from their back.

@spoons-and-coathangers

"Hey there fella, you have a really unique look."

Mike realizes how that could come off and corrects himself.

"I specifically mean the astral component, most people don't have an astral component to their appearance."

[spoons-and-coathangers]

"Ah, you must be Mike. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance. As for my astral component, that's a leftover from before I died." Their expression remains flatly neutral throughout, and they don't leave the doorway.

[osha-cafeteria-worker]

"Mm, yeah, dying is always rough. Hope you didn't take it too hard."

Mike waves them in, "Come on in, I have plenty of food. I can even cater to more immaterial hungers if that's what you need."

[spoons-and-coathangers]

They smile slightly, reminiscing something in their mind.

"I took it better than most of my colleagues, given how many of them don't exist anymore." They pause to look around the cafeteria before entering. "As for the food, I don't believe I have ever partaken in anything like that. Perhaps I will have to return here when I am not occupied with work."

[osha-cafeteria-worker]

"Sure, come by any time! Just walk through any door on the grounds while thinking about lunch and you'll be here!"

[spoons-and-coathangers]

They nod once. "Noted. Speaking of the aforementioned work, my current business is informing all involved persons about the new regulations regarding the signing of contracts in dreams. You and Myrdin are the last names on my list, as you were deemed the least likely to be affected of all who might possibly be."

[osha-cafeteria-worker]

"Oh, yeah, uh. I do dream stuff, and Myrdin does contracts, but neither of us have done a contract in a dream, I think?"

[spoons-and-coathangers]

Again, they nod once. "Then you should indeed be unaffected. I am still obligated to inform you of the changes, however. The Council of Contracts, in conjunction with the Council of Dreams, has decided that, since the majority of mortals now view dreams as some form of manifestation of the mind rather than visiting the dream worlds, all contracts made within dreams are now null and void due to the implication of the signee not believing it to be real."

[oshagoblin]

They hear a hoarse, malevolent cackle from the kitchen, as Myrdin scrabbles out.

"That's quaint. To think of there being such a clean delineation between dream and reality. I think you will find that faerie contracts will remain very much intact despite bureaucratic protestations, dreamspeaker."

[spoons-and-coathangers]

They simply look over in his direction and issue a polite nod.

"Greetings, you must be the one who goes by Myrdin." They are being very carefully intentional with their words, making every effort to not say anything that might constitute an offence under the social rule of the fae. "The councils are well aware of the blurred line between the two realms, as they are also of the business of the faeries. These regulations are intended to be guidelines, not laws, and every measure is being afforded to ensure that affected parties and peoples are able to continue their cultures and practices. Emissaries to the fae courts have been sent with the hopes of negotiating fair terms regarding the new regulations and suggest alterations to current practice such that mortals need not find themselves faced with the consequences of signing contracts they did not believe to be real."

[oshagoblin]

"That's very cute. I'm sure you mean well, but don't expect your emissaries to return if they plan to dictate to the faeries that their contracts must be nullified. You may as well as them nicely to tear their teeth from their own skulls."

Myrdin grins, revealing his mouthful of sharklike teeth.

"The Gentry do not negotiate on any terms but theirs."

[osha-cafeteria-worker]

What is very clearly a dead god and a being of dreams is in the doorway of the cafeteria, patiently standing there with a clipboard. Their true form has faded significantly and is barely visible, but he can just about make out the conceptual abstraction of vision. Their more typically perceivable form takes the shape of a humanoid with the head of some sort of fox adorned with horns, a long feathered tail, and two scorpion's tails sprouting from their back.

@spoons-and-coathangers

"Hey there fella, you have a really unique look."

Mike realizes how that could come off and corrects himself.

"I specifically mean the astral component, most people don't have an astral component to their appearance."

[spoons-and-coathangers]

"Ah, you must be Mike. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance. As for my astral component, that's a leftover from before I died." Their expression remains flatly neutral throughout, and they don't leave the doorway.

[osha-cafeteria-worker]

"Mm, yeah, dying is always rough. Hope you didn't take it too hard."

Mike waves them in, "Come on in, I have plenty of food. I can even cater to more immaterial hungers if that's what you need."

[spoons-and-coathangers]

They smile slightly, reminiscing something in their mind.

"I took it better than most of my colleagues, given how many of them don't exist anymore." They pause to look around the cafeteria before entering. "As for the food, I don't believe I have ever partaken in anything like that. Perhaps I will have to return here when I am not occupied with work."

[osha-cafeteria-worker]

"Sure, come by any time! Just walk through any door on the grounds while thinking about lunch and you'll be here!"

[spoons-and-coathangers]

They nod once. "Noted. Speaking of the aforementioned work, my current business is informing all involved persons about the new regulations regarding the signing of contracts in dreams. You and Myrdin are the last names on my list, as you were deemed the least likely to be affected of all who might possibly be."

[osha-cafeteria-worker]

"Oh, yeah, uh. I do dream stuff, and Myrdin does contracts, but neither of us have done a contract in a dream, I think?"

[spoons-and-coathangers]

Again, they nod once. "Then you should indeed be unaffected. I am still obligated to inform you of the changes, however. The Council of Contracts, in conjunction with the Council of Dreams, has decided that, since the majority of mortals now view dreams as some form of manifestation of the mind rather than visiting the dream worlds, all contracts made within dreams are now null and void due to the implication of the signee not believing it to be real."

[oshagoblin]

They hear a hoarse, malevolent cackle from the kitchen, as Myrdin scrabbles out.

"That's quaint. To think of there being such a clean delineation between dream and reality. I think you will find that faerie contracts will remain very much intact despite bureaucratic protestations, dreamspeaker."

[bossfight-messages]

//Bet y'all didn't know I ran the @the-goblin-horde acc

Hehehehehehehe I'm not sorry

[bossfight-messages]

Ahem, buckle up bitches

Please send help <3

[stupidwiiisdom-deactivated20230]

21??????!?

[bossfight-messages]

There's two more they didn't make it into the screenshots

[trudle-the-faerie]

"question marks anon"..? Are you one of the people sending cryptic messages?

[oshagoblin]

i'm sorry there's a horde of us now?

[oshagoblin]

@plague-doctor-osha

A tall person in a long, black trenchcoat and a bird-shaped mask approaches you. He extends a hand, intending for you to shake it.

Well hello there! I'm running out of rosemary... does the kitchen happen to have some?!

He adjusts his mask.

And while I'm here. I do quite like your yellow hardhat. May I ask where you got yours from?

Myrdin squints at the figure before him, not extending his hand.

"I traded for it, as I am wont to do. We may have some rosemary, but what cost are you willing to pay for it?"

[plague-doctor-osha]

He reaches into his trenchcoat with the hand he previously outstretched.

Uhhh.

Uhm.

He clears his throat.

I do have this... mystery elixir? Not sure what it does, although I'm told it's from the Fountain of Youth. That may or may not be true. It's quite shiny though.

He pulls a bottle out of his coat and swishes it around, a thick liquid that changes color in the light. It gives off the essence of something ancient and magickal.

I also have some kitchen tools that may be useful to you?

With his other hand, he pulls a very rusty, albeit very ornately carved, wooden spoon.

Got more of these, too?

[oshagoblin]

"Hrm. Not the worst offerings I've seen. I will take the spoon."

Myrdin takes the spoon and scuttles off to the kitchen in back, promptly returning with a bundle of fresh rosemary. He brusquely places it into the plague doctor's hand with a business-like shake.

"As promised, your rosemary. Now, what brings you here to the forsaken halls of OSHA?"

[plague-doctor-osha]

He smiles, grateful. He hands you the spoon and puts the rosemary in his coat.

Well, I figured if OSHA's so focused on safety, why the heck doesn't it have a doctor? Thought I'd just bring my own tools and supplies and help out where I can.

He pats the side of the coat he stuffed the rosemary in.

Forgot this, though. I like it's cleansing properties.

[oshagoblin]

"We have... several medical professionals of varying types. In fact, it would be difficult to name a profession not held by some creature who lives here."

He hops up onto the counter, where he takes a seat, cross-legged.

"So, might I have your name doctor...?"

[plague-doctor-osha]

I'm Doctor Crowley!

And I definitely don't doubt you have an abundance of doctors! I agree, it'd be quite strange is any sort of place like this one didn't have a doctor. I should've specified- I haven't seen any doctors around here (so far) who were taught by higher powers. My powers come from our good lord Cthulhu. He begins to ramble. And some other gods. Lots of other gods. There's a lot of gods. He looks off into the distance, and squints his eyes. He sighs. Too many gods.

He snaps back to reality.

Also, I have a swishy cape. It's a cool cape.

He grins, and does a little spin, the trenchcoat swishing around him. It is quite a cool cape.

[oshagoblin]

"Thank you, Crowley. You may call me Myrdin, or simply Goblin if you prefer."

He should not have given his name to a goblin. Immediately, when Myrdin says it aloud, he feels a strange sort of twinge, growing into a squeezing sensation. The goblin smirks.

"A word to the wise, Doctor. Do not give your name to all who ask. Some might not be so willing to return it as I."

With a mischievous, sharp-toothed grin, the squeezing grasp dissipates, and Crowley's name is returned. Before Crowley can say anything more, the goblin vanishes.

[oshagoblin]

@plague-doctor-osha

A tall person in a long, black trenchcoat and a bird-shaped mask approaches you. He extends a hand, intending for you to shake it.

Well hello there! I'm running out of rosemary... does the kitchen happen to have some?!

He adjusts his mask.

And while I'm here. I do quite like your yellow hardhat. May I ask where you got yours from?

Myrdin squints at the figure before him, not extending his hand.

"I traded for it, as I am wont to do. We may have some rosemary, but what cost are you willing to pay for it?"

[plague-doctor-osha]

He reaches into his trenchcoat with the hand he previously outstretched.

Uhhh.

Uhm.

He clears his throat.

I do have this... mystery elixir? Not sure what it does, although I'm told it's from the Fountain of Youth. That may or may not be true. It's quite shiny though.

He pulls a bottle out of his coat and swishes it around, a thick liquid that changes color in the light. It gives off the essence of something ancient and magickal.

I also have some kitchen tools that may be useful to you?

With his other hand, he pulls a very rusty, albeit very ornately carved, wooden spoon.

Got more of these, too?

[oshagoblin]

"Hrm. Not the worst offerings I've seen. I will take the spoon."

Myrdin takes the spoon and scuttles off to the kitchen in back, promptly returning with a bundle of fresh rosemary. He brusquely places it into the plague doctor's hand with a business-like shake.

"As promised, your rosemary. Now, what brings you here to the forsaken halls of OSHA?"

[plague-doctor-osha]

He smiles, grateful. He hands you the spoon and puts the rosemary in his coat.

Well, I figured if OSHA's so focused on safety, why the heck doesn't it have a doctor? Thought I'd just bring my own tools and supplies and help out where I can.

He pats the side of the coat he stuffed the rosemary in.

Forgot this, though. I like it's cleansing properties.

[oshagoblin]

"We have... several medical professionals of varying types. In fact, it would be difficult to name a profession not held by some creature who lives here."

He hops up onto the counter, where he takes a seat, cross-legged.

"So, might I have your name doctor...?"

[oshagoblin]

@plague-doctor-osha

A tall person in a long, black trenchcoat and a bird-shaped mask approaches you. He extends a hand, intending for you to shake it.

Well hello there! I'm running out of rosemary... does the kitchen happen to have some?!

He adjusts his mask.

And while I'm here. I do quite like your yellow hardhat. May I ask where you got yours from?

Myrdin squints at the figure before him, not extending his hand.

"I traded for it, as I am wont to do. We may have some rosemary, but what cost are you willing to pay for it?"

[plague-doctor-osha]

He reaches into his trenchcoat with the hand he previously outstretched.

Uhhh.

Uhm.

He clears his throat.

I do have this... mystery elixir? Not sure what it does, although I'm told it's from the Fountain of Youth. That may or may not be true. It's quite shiny though.

He pulls a bottle out of his coat and swishes it around, a thick liquid that changes color in the light. It gives off the essence of something ancient and magickal.

I also have some kitchen tools that may be useful to you?

With his other hand, he pulls a very rusty, albeit very ornately carved, wooden spoon.

Got more of these, too?

[oshagoblin]

"Hrm. Not the worst offerings I've seen. I will take the spoon."

Myrdin takes the spoon and scuttles off to the kitchen in back, promptly returning with a bundle of fresh rosemary. He brusquely places it into the plague doctor's hand with a business-like shake.

"As promised, your rosemary. Now, what brings you here to the forsaken halls of OSHA?"

[oshagoblin]

@plague-doctor-osha

A tall person in a long, black trenchcoat and a bird-shaped mask approaches you. He extends a hand, intending for you to shake it.

Well hello there! I'm running out of rosemary... does the kitchen happen to have some?!

He adjusts his mask.

And while I'm here. I do quite like your yellow hardhat. May I ask where you got yours from?

Myrdin squints at the figure before him, not extending his hand.

"I traded for it, as I am wont to do. We may have some rosemary, but what cost are you willing to pay for it?"

[osha-stairs-department]

Somehow, a little man scuttles out from under the stairs. This is unusual because the stairs are solid concrete attached to the floor below, but the little man scuttles from beneath all the same. He looks around and grumbles about, clearly not expecting to arrive here.

@oshagoblin

Holy FUCK this is like the third weird guy this WEEK under there. Ok. Fine. Who are you and how did you get under there?

[oshagoblin]

"It is... a long story."

He dusts himself off with gnarled, greenish hands.

"My name is Myrdin, or if you prefer you may simply call me Goblin. May I have your name?"

[osha-stairs-department]

Name’s Vern. Pleasure to meet you. What are you doing under the stairs?

[oshagoblin]

Myrdin smiles, a mouthful of razor-sharp teeth.

"Nothing in particular. That was not the staircase I had meant to be under, but such is the way with faerie contracts. If you are not very careful, then they will twist themselves against you."

Vern feels a strange tug from nowhere in particular as Myrdin speaks.

"Now, tell me, is there anything you have need of?"

[osha-stairs-department]

Hmmmm. Y’know what? I could really use a BLT right about now.

[oshagoblin]

The goblin frowns.

"We have a cafeteria. I meant something more... significant. A charm or trinket, or some small bit of magic?"

[osha-stairs-department]

You think I don’t know that? I know for a fact that guys like you are always going to ask that I get more, so I’m getting less. Plus, a BLT’s a BLT.

[oshagoblin]

"You want more."

Vern wants more.

"You want so much more than a sandwich."

Vern wants so much more than a sandwich.

[osha-stairs-department]

Fine, be that way. 2 sandwiches.

[oshagoblin]

"Fine. But you don't expect a good bargain when you have actual need of me, Vern."

The way the goblin says his name feels weird, almost as weird as how Myrdin skitters across the hallway and crawls into a nearby vent, disappearing.

[osha-stairs-department]

Somehow, a little man scuttles out from under the stairs. This is unusual because the stairs are solid concrete attached to the floor below, but the little man scuttles from beneath all the same. He looks around and grumbles about, clearly not expecting to arrive here.

@oshagoblin

Holy FUCK this is like the third weird guy this WEEK under there. Ok. Fine. Who are you and how did you get under there?

[oshagoblin]

"It is... a long story."

He dusts himself off with gnarled, greenish hands.

"My name is Myrdin, or if you prefer you may simply call me Goblin. May I have your name?"

[osha-stairs-department]

Name’s Vern. Pleasure to meet you. What are you doing under the stairs?

[oshagoblin]

Myrdin smiles, a mouthful of razor-sharp teeth.

"Nothing in particular. That was not the staircase I had meant to be under, but such is the way with faerie contracts. If you are not very careful, then they will twist themselves against you."

Vern feels a strange tug from nowhere in particular as Myrdin speaks.

"Now, tell me, is there anything you have need of?"

[osha-stairs-department]

Hmmmm. Y’know what? I could really use a BLT right about now.

[oshagoblin]

The goblin frowns.

"We have a cafeteria. I meant something more... significant. A charm or trinket, or some small bit of magic?"

[osha-stairs-department]

You think I don’t know that? I know for a fact that guys like you are always going to ask that I get more, so I’m getting less. Plus, a BLT’s a BLT.

[oshagoblin]

"You want more."

Vern wants more.

"You want so much more than a sandwich."

Vern wants so much more than a sandwich.

[osha-stairs-department]

Somehow, a little man scuttles out from under the stairs. This is unusual because the stairs are solid concrete attached to the floor below, but the little man scuttles from beneath all the same. He looks around and grumbles about, clearly not expecting to arrive here.

@oshagoblin

Holy FUCK this is like the third weird guy this WEEK under there. Ok. Fine. Who are you and how did you get under there?

[oshagoblin]

"It is... a long story."

He dusts himself off with gnarled, greenish hands.

"My name is Myrdin, or if you prefer you may simply call me Goblin. May I have your name?"

[osha-stairs-department]

Name’s Vern. Pleasure to meet you. What are you doing under the stairs?

[oshagoblin]

Myrdin smiles, a mouthful of razor-sharp teeth.

"Nothing in particular. That was not the staircase I had meant to be under, but such is the way with faerie contracts. If you are not very careful, then they will twist themselves against you."

Vern feels a strange tug from nowhere in particular as Myrdin speaks.

"Now, tell me, is there anything you have need of?"

[osha-stairs-department]

Hmmmm. Y’know what? I could really use a BLT right about now.

[oshagoblin]

The goblin frowns.

"We have a cafeteria. I meant something more... significant. A charm or trinket, or some small bit of magic?"

[osha-stairs-department]

Somehow, a little man scuttles out from under the stairs. This is unusual because the stairs are solid concrete attached to the floor below, but the little man scuttles from beneath all the same. He looks around and grumbles about, clearly not expecting to arrive here.

@oshagoblin

Holy FUCK this is like the third weird guy this WEEK under there. Ok. Fine. Who are you and how did you get under there?

[oshagoblin]

"It is... a long story."

He dusts himself off with gnarled, greenish hands.

"My name is Myrdin, or if you prefer you may simply call me Goblin. May I have your name?"

[osha-stairs-department]

Name’s Vern. Pleasure to meet you. What are you doing under the stairs?

[oshagoblin]

Myrdin smiles, a mouthful of razor-sharp teeth.

"Nothing in particular. That was not the staircase I had meant to be under, but such is the way with faerie contracts. If you are not very careful, then they will twist themselves against you."

Vern feels a strange tug from nowhere in particular as Myrdin speaks.

"Now, tell me, is there anything you have need of?"

[osha-stairs-department]

Somehow, a little man scuttles out from under the stairs. This is unusual because the stairs are solid concrete attached to the floor below, but the little man scuttles from beneath all the same. He looks around and grumbles about, clearly not expecting to arrive here.

@oshagoblin

Holy FUCK this is like the third weird guy this WEEK under there. Ok. Fine. Who are you and how did you get under there?

[oshagoblin]

"It is... a long story."

He dusts himself off with gnarled, greenish hands.

"My name is Myrdin, or if you prefer you may simply call me Goblin. May I have your name?"

[official-osha]

hey what happened while i was knocked out and stuffed into a mail bag by the way. did i miss anything

[oshagoblin]

A mail carrier had suborned your office. Though I believe Michael may have cause it to flee? He was nebulous in his explanation and carrying a bat.

[lohboh]

[lohboh]

Posts that Tumblr will blaze:

• Blatant NSFW that breaks community guidelines

• Christian proselytizing

• Vent posts

Posts that Tumblr won't blaze:

• Spoilers for a shitty game that lines a transphobe's pockets

[transarsonist]

🔥All Organic Blaze It Is Then🔥