How long had it been since he’d heard his name on Sirius’ lips? Had it been all the way back at Hogwarts? It felt like it, like the sound was a memory from a different life, a fantasy he’d read in a book.
It was the pain that snapped his focus back, the jab of Sirius’ boney limbs, the rough tugging and pulling against Remus’ garments that scratched against his skin. A searing line that burned between his nose and his temple, setting fire to the bones around his eye. An ache throbbing along his jaw. Precursors to tomorrow’s change; reminders of what he truly was.
Rational and together, Sirius was saying. What utter nonsense—Remus had never been rational or together, not even in their school days when he was playing at prefect, enacting a charade of normalcy abetted by Prongs and Padfoot, and Peter too. Remus didn’t have an answer for why things had turned out the way they had. He’d long since given up on fate or karma or prophesy. They were hollow and self-defeating. Anymore for Remus all there was was this, was now; might be or could have happened were traps, were meaningless—were words, wind, nothing.
When Sirius pulled away, Remus lurched forward, the axis of the room tilting. He collapsed against Sirius in a jumble of uncoordinated limbs and pressed his forehead against Sirius’ temple. His hair sliced at Remus’ nose until he dropped his head onto the sharp bones in Sirius’ shoulder.
“Fuck’s sake, Sirius, when was the last time you washed your hair?”
When Sirius pulled away he hadn't been expecting Remus to follow him—but the closeness was wanted needed almost in a way that made Sirius feel so very human after so long feeling like he was nothing but a bitter shell of rage and anger and regret.
He had so much to say and yet words escaped him—so many bitter, angry words fell flat, stuck in his throat. He wanted to yell, he wanted to scream but all he could manage was a sharp bark of a laugh at Remus' words as his friend rested against his shoulder.
“There's other ways to hint you want to share a bath with me Remus.” He cracked a toothy grin even though it wouldn't be seen. Sometimes it's easier to fall back to humour—he did that a lot in his youth too when things touched too rawly.
Fingers scratched gently at the base of Remus' skull, hopefully a soothing motion before it combed through the strands of hair at the back of his head as Sirius turned to rub his cheek against both his hand and Remus' head. Between the alcohol and the closeness he wasn’t quite sure which limbs belonged to who now, they were just a tangle.
“I forget sometimes...” Shoulders heaved with a heavy sigh now that he’d started talking he couldn’t seem to stop. “After so long...” being in Azkaban “you just.. forget to take care of yourself... what's the point?” He laughed again, but this time there was no mirth in his voice.
“Molly has to remind me to eat, nags like a mother that I wish I had...” A dark glare was shot towards the door, vaguely in the direction of that accursed portrait of his mother stuck to the wall. “ I... I feel like I don't know how to function anymore.” And so he drinks and aches and hopes it will simply go away.