secret system blog. bodily adult + he/him collectively
Don't ever put me in a situation
if you recognize me, please don't associate this blog with my other blogs, thank you
don't pull me into discourse / block & move on
chronic illness + chronic pain + CPTSD + unspecified dissociative disorder / undiagnosed but in therapy now yay.
we have about 40ish distinct parts as well as many less defined or buried fragments. therapeutic goal for us is to process trauma, share memories, and care for each other.
i don't do discourse but if you must know my 'stance': i think other people's experiences with their own brain are not my business + anyone can do IFS and learn about their parts. I think dissociative experiences exist on a spectrum and I think harassment and infighting about others' experiences isn't productive.
#textposting - original text posts
we don't post that much, but when we do we try to use the following tags:
#ventposting - original posts made to vent
#artposting - original art posts
#on stage: [emoji] - current member fronting/posting
#collection: [emoji] - liked by or relevant to a certain member
#resonant, #art that resonates, #dissociation, #identity, #relationships, #trauma, #neglect, #healing, #struggles, #unmasking, #disability, #chronic pain, #important, #research, #for later, #favorite (the tags are added kinda aritrarily based on vibes, not consistent whatsoever)
when we reblog things, we use sorting categories including but not limited to:
we ware talking to a friend who is also part of a system about front rooms, and it inspired us to draw ours! It originally was just going to be a quick / rough sketch, but we (aka me, purple) had so much fun sketching it that we just continued to draw
Heres the piece without all the text:
Honestly, I might draw some of our personal rooms next!
Train of thought comic from ~January 2025. Thought it was a good first post here! Transcript under the cut.
Comic depicting 2 headmates, Aimee (host, purple) and Trigger (red).
A: ...Do you think I'm faking?
T: ... ...you're asking ME that question?
A: i'm sorry
A: i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry. i'm trying to get better with the denial but it's so fucking hard
A: I'm just so fucking ashamed to be this way, I wish I was normal, I feel fucking crazy
A: and I know that's not fair to you guys and i know it probably sounds stupid because what's not normal about me is what you are
A: but I wish I was normal. I wish I could handle life without cracking into pieces.
T: SIGH I wish I was normal too.
A: ...what?
T: I wish I was a normal dude. Not some dude in someone else's body, not part of a whole, Just one normal fuckin guy. ...I guess I wouldn't have my horns, my ears and my tail, but I'd wake up in my own body. It would be the right shape + size. I wish my boyfriend was real too. I wish I could actually hold him. But I can't. And if I was real... he wouldn't be. So... I'll put up with it.
T: But... enough about me. Obviously you're fuckin going thru it, so let's talk about it. What's wrong?
A: You're... being really nice right now. You didn't even make fun of me or anything
T: Yea, well, don't push your fuckin luck.
A: Sorry. I just... what if I got it all wrong? What if I'm just daydreaming or something? I made it all up?
T: ...OK. Let's roll with it. Say you did. So what?
A: huh?
T: Therapist said if this is how we experience life, then that's just how it is. It's real to us. Even if it ends up being for just now - it's real rn. All this shit you're worried about - it hasn't always been this way, it's a semi-recent development, sometimes it goes quiet, what if it's "daydreaming" and we're not a "real system", not "really plural"... What does it matter, if it feels real? It's our experiences. Your experience.
A: It matters because of this. This account. What if I've been lying this whole time and weaseled my way into a place I don't belong? What if I'm not like these people at all and I'm just pretending I am because...
T: Because what?
A: I DON'T KNOW. I don't know. Because I wanted people to see my art? Because I'm lonely? Because I wanted to make friends?
T: OK, pause. 1 - none of those things are inherently bad? And 2 -
T: I thought this account was to share the art we've made, about the shit we experience in our lives... life. That's how we've been using it. Sometimes we make silly shit, but everything's real to us. And... I think it's real to you, too. I think you're just scared to admit it.
A: I get... embarrassed looking back at some of the stuff you guys post.
T: And why do you think that is?
A: Because... Because it's stuff that I wouldn't post.
T: Well. That comes with the fuckin territory, doesn't it?
A: It... sounds kinda dumb now that I wrote it out like that.
A: And I get... scared to post, too. Maybe because it's too real and too many people are seeing it, and also because I don't want the people I know IRL that see it to think I'm fucking nuts.
T: I get scared to post sometimes too. For the same reasons. A lot of us do. It's the built-in shame hitting us hard.
A: ...I'm scared that it's my shame affecting you all. ... I'm really sorry.
T: Mm. All we can do is keep fighting it as best we can. Idk if it'll ever stop but we'll just keep trying.
A: ...Seeing people leave comments saying they relate feels good... validating.
T: Can't get those if you don't post.
A: ...Yeah. ...
T: And those posts that get those comments, you didn't make them up for Instagram. They're your real experiences, right?
A: ...yeah. They are.
T: Cool. Case closed. We keep making art, we keep working on the shame, we keep talking to our mutuals... our friends.
A: ... I'm scared.
T: yah. I know.
A: How do I fight it when it seems so big?
T: Hmm. Step one: post this shit.
pixelskylines
blakekathryn
kaledo-art
romaincrisis
annaxmalina
