Last Podcast On The Outside

A collection of the best out of context quotes from the Last Podcast on the Left. My main blog is @purplemeanie

[outofcontext-lpotl]

Ben: But you know what’s so annoying, is like, the witch does all the work, right? And then the witch doctor comes in and is like “Yep, you’re fine.”

Henry: Oh, so you’re comparing nurses and doctors to this, the idea that nurses do all the work.

Ben: Yes, because what does the witch doctor actually do, and we need to start fucking thanking our witches out there, because during this pandemic they have been putting some hexes on people, and I know for a fact they killed a couple of evil ones.

Henry: Yeah, you’re right.

- Episode 477: Elizabeth Klarer

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Hey guys!

It’s been a while since I posted, I know I’m lazy and need to update here more, but a couple days ago I sent the Last Podcast Network email with a suggestion for a video, and I just got a response writing (this is directly quoted from the email):

“Hey there, appreciated the suggestion, we’ll be sure to look into it! Hail yourself!”

Now, that doesn’t mean they’re definitely gonna do it, maybe it’s an automated response, and whether or not it is I shouldn’t get my hopes up...

But on the off-chance that it wasn’t automated, I would be over the moon if my suggestion became an episode.

What was my suggestion, you might be asking? I shall keep it a secret for now, and reveal it if they make an episode or after a long time has passed without one. I’ll just say that it’s a topic that only got out of obscurity recently and an anniversary for it is coming up soon. I highly doubt I was the first to suggest this through email, but I think I did put in a lot of details that others might not have.

I may be getting overly excited over something uncertain but I think it’s fun...

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Ben: Remember when we did Jonestown, there was all that researching there, it was 5 or six parts? People actually cite it in their research papers...

Henry: We need these moments!

Ben: I don’t know what today is. I’m not even sure what this show is anymore.

Marcus: Actually, technically, Ben, we’re regressing right now.

Ben: Oh, that’s what we’re doing.

Marcus: Yeah, we’re regressing all the way back ten years sliding back to Episode 107, 108. We’re pulling it back in, we’re pulling the guts back into the body.

Henry: Yeah, man, it shows we never really did change, did we boys?

Marcus: That’s right.

Henry: We may look a little older and I let my hair go, but we as a triad are stronger than ever.

Relaxed Fit: Single-Use Cryptids

[outofcontext-lpotl]

Marcus: The black rat is an easy scapegoat, because while I know they make great pets, we’re gonna get so many fucking emails from rat people-

Henry: People love rats!

Ben: People love rats.

Marcus: They’re disgusting creatures out in the wild.

Henry: Sure.

Marcus: Regularly feeding on our garbage and our dead.

Henry: But that’s just called influencers.

- Episode 456: The Black Plague Part I

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Ben: Do we know what the enemy did?

Henry: Yeah, he was fucking Big Bird talking in that stupid voice-

Ben: I just don’t understand!

Henry: Teaching me about letters, I know about letters, I learned to read early, so you’re sitting here babbling and you’ve got a fuckin’ imaginary elephant you speak to all day, and can you imagine the puppeteer of Big Bird driving to work that day and getting T-boned and fuckin’ murdered!

Ben: A six year old doesn’t think it’s a puppet, they think they’re killing Big Bird, and you just killed a person.

Henry: Mission. Accomplished.

Ben: Not really, cause somebody else can be Big Bird.

Henry: Woah!

Ben: Yeah, you didn’t kill the idea, you killed an actor.

Henry: Oh my God, I can’t kill an idea!

- Episode 430: Adolfo Constanzo Part 1

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Marcus: If you’re the best janitor ever, then one day you can be the janitor at the Vatican!

Henry: That’s huge!

Ben: Can you imagine...

Henry: ... the AMOUNT of shit.

...

Henry: I love it. Vatican’s Janitor is actually a really funny show, Kiefer Sunderland’s gonna be in it.

Ben: But the thing is, he looks just like the Pope, we find out the Pope had sex with a bunch of kids, we gotta get rid of him, we gotta switch Popes!

Henry: The Vatican’s Janitor secretly the Pope’s son...

Ben and Marcus: oooohhhh...

Ben: Don’t give these ideas away! Quibi is gonna pick it up.

- Episode 436: Roch Theriualt and the Ant Hill Kids Part III

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Henry: I’m going to say that MAYBE, we’re going to MAYBE trample on the Portuguese language, unfortunately.

Marcus: Yeah. I barely had time to write this, did not have time to learn Portuguese.

Ben: That’s fine, I think that’s just great, uh, it’s like Canadian vs American. It’s kind of like Spanish but it’s Portugueeeeeese.

Marcus: It’s more English and German, I think.

Ben: English and German...

Henry: Yeah, it’s two different languages. In Canada, they speak English, they speak the same language except they say “aboot” and they’re passive aggressive.

Ben: You can’t apologize if you speak real English.

- Episode 426: The Dangerous UFOs of Brazil

[outofcontext-lpotl]

I may be inactive for a little while. I’ve been busy in school plus I just got involved in a big inconvenience (as in car accident) so I’ve got a lot on my mind recently. I hope to sit down and make more posts again soon, and make more progress on a LPOTL transcript when I have less to do.

Alright, I just wanted to update you guys, take care!

[outofcontext-lpotl]

Alright, so I’ve thought over what I’m gonna do for the transcripts, and here’s what I’ve come up with:

I’m gonna make a post that’ll have links to the Google Docs that I make for each episode that will be edited every time I make a new one, and put a link in my bio to the post for easy access.

That’s what I’m going with unless someone suggests something else.

[outofcontext-lpotl]

I’ve been thinking... there ought to be transcripts for LPOTL episodes so that people who are deaf or hard of hearing can enjoy them, shouldn’t there? And yet, the only transcripts I’ve seen are either no good or incomplete.

Maybe in my spare time I could write out transcripts in a similar format to what I do here but in more detail with stuff like parentheticals. To be sure, it would be hard work and something I would do when I’m not doing school work, but I think it would be a nice thing to do.

Thing is, I’ve never done anything like this before, so I’m not sure how I would go about making it available to people. I’m thinking it would probably be a Google doc or something for people to download? Also, if I make multiple transcripts, how would I go about organizing them so that people can access them easily?

I know so little about these types of things, but I’m willing to learn. What do you guys think?

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“An accident isn’t sexy. An accident does not make sense in a story we’re all trained to accept is a grand narrative full of villains and shadowy figures. This theory does not have the air of mystery that a hit job perpetrated by the Chicago Mafia because JFK had sex with the wrong woman does. Nor is it coupled with the rage that comes from thinking that this is all a CIA conspiracy coup that keeps us all from living in a better world than the one we have to fucking deal with now. 

Instead, this is a theory of the kind of uncaring, universal chaos that we all have to face every day of our lives. And maybe, it’s difficult for us to accept that a man of John F. Kennedy’s stature is just as vulnerable to a stupid accident as you or me.”

Marcus Parks, The Last Podcast on the Left Episode 405: JFK Part VI

What theory is he talking about? You’ll have to listen to find out.

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Henry: You’re a good henchman, cause you’re a good goon type.

Marcus: Yeah.

Ben: I know you like to call me that, which is very insulting to the tall people.

Henry: You’re a goon! You need to have a goon in a group, especially if you’re tiny, you need to have a FUCKIN’... a big GOON to protect you.

Ben: That’s Bebop and Rocksteady. They’re PIGS.

Marcus: You can’t just have two goons.

Ben: What do you mean “you can’t just have two goons”?

Marcus: You need two regular-sized goons and one gigantic goon. See me, I would be one of the regular goons.

Ben: You’re the goon who licks the knife.

Marcus: Yeah, I’m Crazy-Goon.

Henry: You’re Sting from Dune.

- Episode 393: The Murder of Girly Chew Hossencofft Part 1

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Henry: I never wanna hear a recording of the words I make before I ejaculate.

Ben and Marcus: Yeah.

Episode 420: Jodi Arias Part II

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Ben: You never wake the shy. Just let them - I have found shy people, it’s better - it’s not because they don’t know how to talk or are too scared to communicate, cause when they DO they want you DEAD.

Henry: Introverts are scary.

Ben: Oh my God...

Henry: Introverts, all they do is sit there and PLOT

Ben: All day.

Henry: and PLOT, I’ve seen them sitting back there at parties and they like to think like I don’t know what’s going on.

- Episode 303: Jonestown Part 4

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Marcus: How did you never tell us this, that a man DIED on your front lawn?

Henry: Yeah he just collapsed, because it’s not INSIDE the house, you know what I mean?

Ben: What’d you do?

Henry: We buried him in the backyard, no - we hacked him up with a bunch of - we separated all the ligaments and we boiled his teeth, we did everything we needed to do. No, he just got picked up by the ambulance.

- Episode 390 Hadden Clark Part II

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Ben: You cannot trust scientists sometimes. You look at Rick Moranis in Honey I Shrunk the Kids, and then he blew them up! And it’s like, what are you doing down there?

Henry: It’s fiction.

Ben: What are you doing down there?

Henry: It’s not a documentary, you know that, right?

Ben: I - I don’t know, I saw it and it was definitely real to me.

- Episode 389: Hadden Clark Part 1

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Ben: We talk a lot about growing up and some of the things we did, the drinking and the driving, the doing drugs, all those things, and what is privilege? Privilege is having those be stories, good memories, and not being privileged is having that be a sentence, so you have to look and be sentenced 25 years an extended period of time, and once you’re in the system-

Henry: Or you get shot!

Ben: -It’s hard to get out.

- Side Stories: Don’t Eat Grandma