Hello! I have a blog!

She/her. I'm Zoë. 29 white bi cis female from Ohio.

[funny-tik-toks]

[wineauntgenna]

[romanceyourdemons]

when the blackberry bushes have thorns to discourage mammals from monopolizing the consumption of their fruits and encourage birds to spread their seeds but they don’t know that the mammal in question is ME #notdiscouraged

[romanceyourdemons]

#ow

[romanceyourdemons]

#stuck

[fractiousrvt]

Me: *snatches Sundew from an Unauthorized Adventure into the land of unprotected power cords*

"But Mother! I wish to commit ARSON!"

[rhapsodicdaisies]

[scamguy]

i would like to officially thank sesame for its seeds, its oil, and of course its street

[magicalmrmephistopheles]

couldn’t leave this in the tags

[parkchanwoohoo]

The facial expressions of everyone trying not to lose it are killing me

[gunsandfireandshit]

This is painfully American

[dirtbaby2016]

Americans be like it is totally normal for an entire stadium (including military members) to stand at attention while a fast food clown mascot sings the national anthem

[unstablebill]

when we say "it is functionally impossible to parody Americans in a way that will actually insult them" this is the sort of thing you're up against. is your sick burn funnier than corporation burger clown sing national anthem baseball game? no?? of course it isn't.

[throathole]

Women with big curly red hair always have like 12 gay guy friends why is that

[throathole]

INCREDIBLE response

[horreurscopes]

what they don't tell you is that after you turn 30 you have ocasional but powerful bouts of home ownership fever, which is like baby fever but instead of randomly really wanting a baby you go on zillow and look at modest properties you will nonetheless never be able to afford. and then it passes and you're like wtf was that about. yay time for another $6 coffee to stave off the dread

[funstyle]

Im always like "i will not add my two cents. i will not add my two cents" but i cant lie the pennies are getting sweaty in my hand

[teaboot]

I was too busy laughing to take a picture but my son answered the door last night ready for an adventure 😭😭😭

[teaboot]

IT HAPPENED AGAINNN

[victusinveritas]

[naamahdarling]

WTF this is masterful, 10/10.

[marjorierose]

Other people have said this in notes, but the Bulwer-Lytton contest involves writing the most absurd opener you can think of and submitting it to the contest. It's not a judgment like the Razzies or the bad sex in books award or something; it's a game. Diana Murtaugh of Baltimore is to be congratulated for this win.

[dragongirl218]

@pangur-and-grim

I feel like you'd have a great shot at this contest

[grimeclown]

I got a job at a gas station across from a casino and a guy keeps coming in to buy whole cartons of cigarettes and talks in the third person calling himself "snake eyes pete" and every time I tell him his total hes like "tell ya what if old Pete rolls a snake eyes why dont you give it to him for free?" and he rolls the same set of loaded dice on the counter and it does not matter how many times he rolls snake eyes I will not give him the cartons for free he gets so mad

[grimeclown]

Snakeyes Pete is from Toronto he gave me a button once that said "Canadians have the best luck" and i said i thought that was the Irish and he said "I fucking hate the irish" and i said okay

[arielluva]

"OR WOMEN IN GENERAL"???? HELLO

[sailatina3]

Reblog to bully people who don't like female characters or women in general off the internet.

[retquits]

is this anything

[jetbootcollection]

Gender affirming BBQ

[markatch]

LGBBQT

[draizetrain]

i think when u clean your house it should stay clean forever. what do u mean i have to do it again

[echotunes]

(to the tone of creep by radiohead) but i'm asleep. on mypillow