♡Maria has recovered♡

she/her | 21yo | I have finally recovered! Read my updated pinned post <3

[oxygencals]

1 year ago…

One year ago I fainted. It was such a terrifying experience for me and my family to go through. One year ago I was arguing with my mum every night because she made me eat an extra weetabix and a complan drink for supper. One year ago I was constantly hiding my food in fear that I would gain weight. One year ago I couldn’t enjoy my birthday because I was worried about the calories in the restaurant food. One year ago I had no social life or job and I spent all my days inside my room obsessing over calories and weight loss. One year ago I was obsessively working out, getting weaker each time as my body was wasting away. One year ago I was nearly at my smallest weight but I was also the most miserable.

it’s now been a year

Today I’m so far into recovery that the thought of throwing all this hard work away makes me shiver. Today I’m now weight restored but feel so much better mentally and physically. Today I’m the happiest I’ve been in years. Today I’m no longer scared of any foods and can enjoy them without feeling intense guilt. Today I finally have a job because I’m not too weak to work. Today I’m finally able to socialize with more people and starting to create a life outside my head. Today my relationship with my family has improved. Today I am more patient and gentle with current me and past me. Today I have a stronger sense of self and my personality is coming back. Today I am no longer afraid of the future. Today I’ve realised that recovery is 100% worth it ❤️

[m0ldyp3ach]

the way this was the first thing i saw when i opened youtube today 💀💀💀💀

[oxygencals]

These kinds of videos always bring me down because they make me feel like I don’t have an eating disorder. when I read the comments on these types of videos. Everyone is bragging about fasting for 30+ hours and how eating one meal a day is ultimate health and that you’re greedy and lack self discipline if you don’t do what they are doing. It makes me think that I was just being weak when I fainted and started fitting on the floor from low blood sugar and that I need to ignore it and push myself harder, it makes me feel like I’m a failure because I physically can’t fast for more than 20 hours but they all can so clearly I’m not sick enough. I’m trying to recover and it makes me scared I’m going to become obese since I have to also eat snacks in between my meals. I’m trying to learn that every body is different and what works for one person might not work for someone else but these videos make it so hard. I hope someone else can relate to this

[oxygencals]

I can’t stand hoverflies they won’t leave me alone. I think it’s because of the sunscreen I put on before I went outside

[oxygencals]

Does anyone have any helpful tips to help cope with feelings of anger and irritability because it’s making me a miserable person and I end up taking it out on my family

[oxygencals]

Tw vent & sh

Today has been shitty. I ended up getting really frustrated with my mum during lunch time because I didn’t know what to eat anyway she said she would make me a sandwich (I know I should be making it my self since I’m 21 but she doesn’t trust me at the moment) she starts putting massive globs of butter on it and I lost my shit. I ended up storming upstairs into my room and repeatedly hit my leg on the corner of my bed and it started bruising after a few minutes. I can’t cvt because of what I told her last night but I couldn’t control myself. I hate having negative feelings towards my mum because she does so much for me. Recently I’ve been so angry and irritated and it’s making me a horrible person

[oxygencals]

A few hours ago I told my mum I have the urge to sh. I told her this because I know deep down I shouldn’t do it and it’s not the right thing to do and she previously told me that next time I have urges to tell her. I never end up telling her but I think this time it’s important I do it. Right now I currently regret it because I’ve ate a bowl of cereal without being told to so I feel very guilty and greedy and those thoughts make me want to sh. I can’t cvt because she would instantly know. I guess it’s for the better and this challenge will help me find healthier coping mechanisms. Current me is so mad at past me but future me will be so thankful past me did this. I can’t keep hurting myself anymore

[oxygencals]

My dad has invited me to a friends wedding party next Saturday and my Nan (the one who was comparing me to my friend she met at my birthday meal) will be there. I know for a fact she will be looking at what I’m wearing, the makeup I have on and everything else. For fuck sake. She’s already made me feel insecure so now I’m going to feel even more self conscious

[oxygencals]

My volunteering manager is so fucking sweet! She’s sent me a card and a gift telling me to get well soon because they miss having me around. That’s one big motivation to recover and get better! I miss volunteering so much!! 💗

[oxygencals]

Hey guys I’m back, just been busy being the therapist friend again

[oxygencals]

Been to the doctors for my ECG scan and everything is all good 😎😎😎

[oxygencals]

I thought my dog was scared of balloons until he was starting to pop the ones I’ve taken down from the wall. He looked like he was having the time of his life so I let him pop the rest :)

[oxygencals]

I’ve had a pretty positive mindset about ed recovery these past few days so I’m trying to make the best of it and hopefully It doesn’t go downhill. On the other hand the urge to sh is high because one of my coping mechanisms has gone 🙃

[oxygencals]

Currently making a crochet blanket. I’m so tempted to make a crochet account on here because it’s my favourite hobby! :D

[oxygencals]

Just ordered a heart shaped bowl I’m so excited for it!!!

[leafsea]

[oxygencals]

I feel like I keep procrastinating s3lf h4rming. This is literally how it goes:

“That’s it I’m going to s3lf h4rm tonight”

Night time rolls around

“Umm I’m too tired I think I will do it tomorrow morning instead”

Next morning

“The time doesn’t feel right, maybe I should wait till the afternoon”

During afternoon

“I don’t feel like it right now but Im definitely going to do it tonight”

And so the cycle repeats

[heartshapedlo]