Paperkite Random Thoughts

Please enter my mind and tell me what you think. I've been keeping a journal for almost 10 years now and I'd like to share with you some of my feelings, advices or just random thoughts, hoping that it'll make you feel less alone. And it's kind of good for me too to write it all down.

[paperkiterandomthoughts]

Trusting again, no, I mean truly trusting seemed unimaginable until you came along, and all you had to do was to hold my hand, lay down with me under the stars and just be there, in silence that was occasionally broken by your sweet, sweet laughter.

[paperkiterandomthoughts]

My heart is crystallized, not in a sense that it's hard or unbreakable, rather in a way that you make it feel like it's valuable and it will bear everything life throws at it, and it's giving me a powerful feeling. So does looking at the stars, somehow they remind me of you, whenever I look up, I get this  gut feeling, that you are doing the same, and it makes us connect. Connect in a strange way, as if every part of my body would tell me not to trust the words you say, but my soul is stubbornly whispering to let you in, so I'm stuck in between holding on and letting go, and it's sounds terrifying , but it's actually one of the deepest and most magical things I've ever felt.

[paperkiterandomthoughts]

Ever since I've met you, all the paintings I do, they end up revolving around us, and that enchanted connection we have. But you're gone, you're not a part of my life for a long time, and still my brain tells my hands how to do the brushstrokes in a way that when I look at my finished painting, I see you, and you're not supposed to be there. I've never thought I'd have a muse, but you are mine. How does it feel?

[paperkiterandomthoughts]

People say you can choose who you fall in love with. You can choose whom you go out on a second date with and keep talking to, therefore you create your own storms. But people forget to mention that whether you get a sweet summer rain or a hurricane is completely out of your control.

[paperkiterandomthoughts]

Here I go again.

And guess who promised to never be in a long distance relationship ever again? Yepp, that was me. And guess who is currently in another long distance relationship? Me again! 

Guess who feels like her entire world about to collapse because there is no good solution on the horizon, a future together seems impossible. It would take a huge sacrifice from one of us, and I cannot expect that from my boyfriend, and I also don’t want to make that sacrifice myself. I don’t think loving someone is enough to be happy. Often loving someone with it being the only thing you have in common is one of the biggest pains a person can experience. Luckly, that’s not the case with us. We have shared goals and values, the only problem is, we have those goals in different continents. What the hell do I do. And why did I put myself in this situation again. Why can’t I just lean from my mistakes. Why do I go against my gut feeling. 

And why is he a better boyfriend that all of my exes combined. If he would be a shitty person, this decision would be easy. But it’s not. What if I break up and regret it for the rest of my life. What if we don’t end up together and then I’ll feel like this time was an unnecessary part of our lives?

It’s just if there seems to be no way to make it work on the long term, why fall deeper and deeper in love each day, just to break up one day and feel like you want to stop existing because you cannot bear the pain? 

[paperkiterandomthoughts]

What if you meet the right person, but he is still wrong for you? What if you meet the person that makes you feel so alive? And you've met so many people and no one ever made you feel that way. But he has also hurt you in ways no one had the power to. What do you then?

[paperkiterandomthoughts]

It's funny how the song that makes you cry over someone is the sometimes the same song that someone listens to, while crying over you

[paperkiterandomthoughts]

A certain no is better than an uncertain yes

[paperkiterandomthoughts]

There is something inexplicably magical about taking afternoon naps. The sun shines through the lids and you forget all of your problems. You are just you. Magical and happy.

[paperkiterandomthoughts]

You know that people are lonely when a simple act of kindness makes them fall in love with anyone

[paperkiterandomthoughts]

The saddest feeling in the world is when you still love a person and miss them so much, but you realize you don't want be with them anymore. And the realization just hits you, that if you can't even be together with someone you love and miss, how can you ever be in a healthy relationship and it just breaks you and you feel so alone.

[paperkiterandomthoughts]

The best kind of love happens when neither of you are looking for it.

[paperkiterandomthoughts]

When you realize your Dad was right about your love life all along...

It’s hard to admit that my Dad has an opinion about love, especially about my love life, and he is right. And it took me 6 years to realize it. 

So he said that you should be very careful when it comes to relationships, and to only date when you are sure, and you should never rush it, and give yourself plenty of time to heal after a breakup, and the less relationships, ergo less breakups you have, the better. Because they cause you emotional scars, which heal very, very hard, and they traumatize you for life. I never actually believed it, until now. 

I always jumped from one relationship to another and never really felt those emotional scars, I am a really strong person, and I heal quickly. Only that I don’t, I just didn’t realize that at the time. So every time we had these conversations I would end up crying and shouting at him, because I thought he was cruel, saying those things to me, it felt like he didn’t want me to be in love, and find ‘the one’. But damn, I was never so wrong. I felt like he is judging every single decision I was making in my love life, but he just wanted to protect me from what’s happening out there.

When I look around, all I see is damaged people. A friend, who was cheated on, always fearing it will happen again. Someone else abandoned when she needed her boyfriend the most, never actually getting anyone close. A girl traumatized of sexual assault, a guy not being able to move on of an out-of-the-blue breakup, a girl having eating disorders for years after emotional abuse, and I could go on, the story never ends. The only people I know who are not terribly damaged are the ones who are still with their first loves -it is the strongest. I think it’s meant to be that way, you are meant to fight for your first love like crazy, because love is hard and you need something to drive you to overcome all those problems .People these days are not made for fighting. When your  first love is over, you’ll never love that way again, that makes you want to overcome everything. You slowly develop a ‘thank you, next’ attitude, leaving yourself and everyone else even more hurt.

This is something to really think about.

[paperkiterandomthoughts]

Even though my whole world has collapsed and I had to start from zero, I feel like a phoenix, I feel like I'm being reborn from my ashes, and I am starting to find joy, because for the first time in a very long time, I feel like myself again. Don't get me wrong, I still feel empty, but maybe I needed that emptiness to give space for the real me to thrive.

[paperkiterandomthoughts]

This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you

Lewis Capaldi / Someone You Loved

[paperkiterandomthoughts]

Be Genuinely Happier...

Do you know the feeling of calm happiness? Not the rushed-one when you are excited because you are high on adrenaline, like passing an exam or going out with friends, but the calm one, when you’re not doing anything special, but there is a smile on your face, and you can’t explain why. And no matter what is happening to you, it tackles your happiness-balance, but eventually you’ll be calm-happy again. I want to share with you how can you get back to this state faster and how to have a more secure happy feeling.

BE MORE PRODUCTIVE – IT GIVES YOU PURPOSE

Creativity is key – especially for me. The more creative you get, the more happy you feel. And this has everything to do with your purpose. Everyone wants and needs to have a purpose. I’m not talking about your life-goal here, I am only talking about that you need to have some purpose. You need to feel that you left something important behind. Maybe it is a piece of art, a book, a blogpost like this, maybe you helped someone and they will tell that story to their kids someday, and just like that, you left a mark in this world. You did. And believe me, it will make you so happy, that you have achieved something big. Because it is a big thing. Everyone wants to be indestructible, but everyone will die someday. We can only hope that our creations outlive us. I encourage you to stop consuming so many things and start creating them, you will feel like you have are valued in this world, because you will be.

STOP FOR A MOMENT

Stop with social media. Use it as little as you can. You are constantly reminded of your insecurities. And you know they are lies. We see our friends post things like how much fun they are having. And you’ve been there with them, you know it’s not what happened. So why be miserable because of it? And it wastes so much time! Stop. Follow only people you truly adore. Painters, writers, poets, musicians, friends who inspire you! I only follow art accounts plus my closest friends and if I see a painting way better than mine, that inspires me. But when I see random people going on vacation when I have exams to study for and haven’t see the sunlight for days, damn that is depressing. And I scrolled for valuable minutes only to feel like shit afterwards? That’s not what anybody would want.

Stop with the movies. You have a limited free time. Spend it with something that will lift you up. Those can be uplifting movies. But I am very careful if it comes to my TV series and movies. I know we all need to shut our minds off for a few minutes, this is normal. But to watch a show every day? I used to watch 2 episodes per day, and while it was entertaining, now that I stopped and I only watch a TED talk, I can tell the difference. I have so much more free time, and I feel inspired every single day. This is true. I am still going to the cinema sometimes and if there is a new episode out of my favourite show, I’ll watch it, but I don’t watch 2 episodes per day just to watch something.

Stop listening to the music that makes you sad. Just stop. It’s okay to listen to your favourite sad songs every now and then, but create a happy or neutral playlist that you will listen to!

TURN THE DICE: FIND MOTIVATION DURING TIME-KILLING ACTIVITIES

If you are anything like me, self-development and hope is something that is essential. You just feel like a useless pile of rose-petals without them. So while you are walking to your campus, workplace, doing your groceries, cleaning the house, listen to some great audiobooks. It will fill your heart with hope and joy and you will evolve so much. It won’t even take extra time and the work will feel so much better. You will even look forward to it.

MOVE!

Seriously, move. Go out and move. Walk your dog, walk with friends, bike. Frustration builds up slowly inside you and if you can’t take it out on a punching bag in the gym, you will take it out on your loved ones. Since I started exercising regularly, I’ve rarely taken out my stress on people. You don’t have to hit the gym every single day, but do yourself a favour and move your body as much as you can, your friends and family will be thankful, trust me.

BE KIND – THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE

Kindness is something that fills everyone with joy. And after a time, you will find so much joy even in relocating a ladybug that was in your way while you were gardening. It will.

FEED YOUR MIND, BODY AND SOUL

What you feed your mind, body and soul has a huge impact on your well-being. Eat healthier and exercise (body). Consume motivation and inspiration and ditch everyone and everything that brings you down (mind). Spend less time with people that put you down, and be around creative, kind, amazing people. And have goals. Don’t be afraid to reach them. You will be so proud if you do, and if you don’t you will be proud that you tried (soul).

AIM FOR IMPERFECTION

“Perfection is not a human quality, and a lot of girls and a lot of women pretend like it is. It is not. Let go of it. Do not even aspire to it. Just be good enough and show up with your self-confidence and show up with love” - Courney Ferrel

This is so helpful, especially for artists like me. I used to stress so much during creating a painting, fearing I would mess something up, but now I am calm and I don’t care how many ‘mistakes’ I make, because that is exactly what makes my art so unique, real, and most importantly – mine.

Allright busy bees, go create something with amazing people around you, and don’t even look at people that don’t inspire you. But most importantly, be kind. Always.

Share your thoughts in the comment section! Have a wonderful, meaningful life. ♥

[paperkiterandomthoughts]

"Perfection is not a human quality, and a lot of girls and a lot of women pretend like it is. It is not. Let go of it. Do not even aspire to it. Just be good enough and show up with your self-confidence and show up with love

Courtney Ferrel