Dear Men Writers
Lesser known facts when writing women:
High heeled shoes donât become flats if you break the heels off.
The posts of earrings arenât sharp.
Nail polish takes a long time to dry and smudges when wet.
You canât hold in a period like pee.
Inserting a tampon is not arousing or sexual in any way, ever.
Feel free to add your own.
- Bras leave red marks on the skin under and around boobs and it is a magical experience when taken off.
- Make up can take anywhere from 5 to 25 minutes depending on how skilled you are.
- Taking hair out of a ponytail after wearing it for hours does not make it perfectly straight when it comes down.
- Hair when wet sticks to the skin it no longer flows, idiot.
-When women with long hair kiss, turn around, do anything, their hair falls in the way.
- Stockings are itchy and tear like wet paper bags.
- Pantyhose, tights, leggings, and stockings are each different. - Waxing hurts and leaves red skin for a while afterwards while shaving leaves stubble - Most canât run in heels unless they have been VERY worn - Insecurity in appearance doesnât mean âbuy me a drinkâ - EVERYONE HAS DIFFERENT TASTES IN EVERYTHING
-Having large breasts sucks. It sucks beyond belief. Â If a garment happens to fit your large chest, odds are it wonât fit the rest of you. Underboob sweat is real and terrible. Bending over for extended periods of time will tweak your back out. Running can be painful due to boob turbulence. Bras are hella expensive. Big breasts are not fun.
Putting a tampon in isnt a quick bend-poke-done kinda deal. It involves cubicle yoga, messy hands, numerous curse words as you realise it isnt in correctly and have to take it out and start again with a new one.
Yes to all of this. Â But also:
If her hair is in an updo, one does not simply remove a hairpin to send her hair cascading down her back. Â No. Â If her hair is an updo, it will take at least an hour and an extra set of hands to remove the 137 bobby pins that are holding her hair in place. Â Furthermore, thereâs probably a canâs worth of hairspray in there, intended to withstand category 2 hurricane winds. Â Thereâs no cascading happening here - the best you can hope for is a misshapen nest of hair to clump and poof unattractively in the back while it still remains flat against her scalp.
This is one of the funniest posts Iâve seen in a while (especially if you read all the comments), but also really depressing because at 42 I still judge myself as having failed for not matching up to all these mythical stereotypes despite knowing theyâre impossible
^^^This though
The odds of a woman having smoothly shaved legs and armpits are directly proportional to the amount of skin her clothing bares and/or the amount of fucks she gives at that particular moment.
GLASSES ARE NOT COSMETIC. Â If we whip them off, we do not become gorgeous fashion models. Â We become squinty.
-most women wear bras. Yes, even when they are trying to dress sexy. Because bras make boobs look perkier and rounder, which is something men apparently find sexy, so being a seductress or femme fatale is not an automatic reason for a female character to not be wearing a bra.
-a good bra will hide headlights, or at the very least drastically reduce their noticeability. A women with enough pointy nipple issues will opt for a padded or molded bra to hide them.
-womenâs nipples do not automatically become hard pyramids visible through any and all layers of clothing the second they become even slightly aroused. They are not the female equivalent of boners. And even if their nipples do get hard, the bras they are almost certainly wearing (because even a goddamn succubus with big, honkinâ knockers for seducing men is gonna have those painful puppies in some kind of boob sling) should keep those pointy nipples from being visible to every other character in the scene, JIM BUTCHER. YES, EVEN LARA RAITH WOULD WEAR A BRA ONCE IN A GODDAMN WHILE.
if youâre being tied up and tortured in a freezing underground dungeon, then you probably have more important things to pay attention to than how hard somebodyâs nipples are, jim butcher
- Wearing a bra that doesnât fit HURTS. Itâs not sexy to wear a bra thatâs âtwo sizes too smallâ, itâd make your clothes hang oddly and youâd have a weird, uncomfortable âquad-boobâ effect and your back would hurt, BEN AARONOVITCH.
Also, after removing a too small bra, thereâs gonne be angry red lines on the boobs and ribs and the lady is not going to want them to be touched by anyone for a good long while
-Not all women wear heels. Those things hurt and are hard to balance in. They can also mess up your feet and back pretty bad.
-Lips arenât just naturally red âas if sheâd been drinking wine but they were just like that without makeup cause sheâs so perfect,â my dear little Kvothe from âName of the Windâ. Also, girls do not naturally smell like fruit or flowers, itâs either perfume or something sheâd been eating recently.
Iâve been appreciating this post but now itâs back very specifically calling out my problematic faves and I donât think those male authors realize how much it totally takes me out of the story for a moment when they commit these errors. It does nothing useful for the plot and is annoying for half of the audience
Is it weird that Iâm female and wasnât aware of a solid third of these?
I mean, all writes take note. I basically live in man land when it comes to protagonists so I donât know half these things despite being a woman
(Most) Women do not look at themselves in the mirror and compare their breasts to fruit. Any sort of fruit. Especially melons. Please save us from the melons.
Also we are not aware of our breasts at all times. I do not walk down a flight of stairs and think âoh golly my breasts are bouncing so much right nowâ. They are as much as natural part of our bodies as arms. Do you constantly think about how your arms are moving? Sure you may be aware of them, but paying full attention? Doubtful.
Also: women working out are almost never sexy. Theyâre not glowing or glistening or (kill me) *sparkling*. They are red and sweaty and gross just like all the dudebros doing their time with the dumbbells. Stop ogling fictional women at the gym, TOM WOLFE.
Iâm dying here đđđđ.
Adding in a few for those male writers I know who shall remain namelessâŠ.
1. That ânatural sunkissedâ look? Skillful make up. We sure as hell donât wake up looking like it. Real women are not Instagram photos.
2. Speaking of waking up, morning breath is a real thing. Please donât subject your characters to it on a first date. Not pleasant.
3. Who in Godâs name thinks tampons are sexy???????????
4. Thongs are not sexy. They are very expensive instruments of the devil.
5. When a woman puts her hair up, she usually adds enough styling product to withstand the apocalypse. Therefore, guys, an updo does not just âcome cascading downâ. It sticks. It looks like crap when you take it out, and it hurts.
