Iām angry. I have been, for weeks now.
I didnāt want to make a post or say anything because I donāt think enough people will notice or care. But fuck that, because Iāve got something to say.
Iām a fanfic writer for Haikyuu, Iāve been one for over a year; going on two. Iāve written 50 fics for this fandom, and Iāve been posting one fic or chapter update every week since the beginning of this year.
I write because I love writing, because I have a lot of ideas, and because I love the characters. I post my work because I think other people might enjoy my work, too.
But Iām also sick of it.
Iām sick of spending all my free time on writing only to get ten notes max on my fics on tumblr. Which, you know - it might just be that people donāt like my work. But itās not just me.
Iāve participated in events, and if you look at the pages for any fandom-related project that includes artists and writers, I can assure you that youāll always find the same thing: art with over a thousand notes per pic, and fics with less than twenty.
Donāt get me wrong. I love the art that people are creating in the fandom, just as much as the next person. I buy every zine I can get my hands on. I commission artists when I can.
Recently, I commissioned a writer. I didnāt even know that was a thing until a couple months ago, and even then, Iāve seen writers offer 1k words or more for as little as 3$. Are you fucking kidding me. I paid 25$ for 4k and I wish I could have tipped more.
I guess what Iām saying is that Iām done with this.
Iāve been thinking every single day for the last three weeks that I want to just say Iām not going to be writing anymore. Because Iāve got no more energy for this. Iāve got enough other shit going on, and constantly being angry about how writers are treated is not helping, and itās not something I can turn off. Every day Iāve been thinking āyou should just go. For your sake. Stop this shit.ā
I canāt do that. When I finally reached that point, and made the decision today that Iād stop, Iām done, Iām out - I immediately felt AWFUL. I love writing, and I love the friends Iāve made through it. I get really sweet and supportive comments sometimes. I feel like my work has maybe impacted a handful of people.
But I hate this. I hate the way the fandom treats us. I hate getting 1k hits and 2 comments. I hate getting 20 notes, only one of which is a reblog. Whoās going to see my work? No one. I hate it, and I donāt know what to do about it.
I guess thatās all. Expect a new fic from me next week, as always. Because as much as I hate it, I canāt leave. But Iām done pretending Iām not angry. Because I am.