3 A.M. peanut butter (and solace) cravings

[peanutbutterandsolacecravings]

Accepting the fact is never easy. There are a lot of life pills that are hard af to swallow, especially nowadays. I have always kept my dreams high, ever since I knew I had a hard-knock life. I've always seen my future self as someone big, valuable, influential, successful, and of course, rich. I've always believed that I was born to be that; that my life is meant to be lived like that, and that I could be that after I finish college on a prestigious school and with an expensive course. It was never easy. I thrived so hard to survive and fit in to my chosen course, Bachelor of Science in Physical Therapy. Although, along the way, I admit that I was able to have a good grasp in it and still find it acceptable. Hence, I was able to finish it with no failing grade, my greatest achievement, says no one else but me. I even worked my ass off as a PT for 2 long years. It was a battle and a struggle, a love and hate relationship, (well, mostly hate), wherein whenever I achieve something, I cry out of happiness, but whenever I fail or do worst, I also cry and almost wish I never got the job; thinking that this is not what I thought I would/ should be. Then, when these small inconviniences piled up, voila, resignation letter. I was an instant jobless/ unemployed degree holder with no savings or insurance, and milking money from parents. I am slowly realizing how that profession is really not for me, and would really not bring me satisfaction. Also, my dream of being someone grand, is really not what I am going to be anywhere in the now and in the future. From being a self-pr workaholic to being a useless couch potato. To add up to that, I also had episodes of me having bipolar DO (also self-pr); somedays I'm enthusiastic and motivating, but most days I am annoyingly grumpy and yes, a piece of shit. LIFE WAS AND IS HARD, RIGHT? I could not imagine how my parents and sisters were able to deal with me as a daughter/ sister. But then there's me, accepting my facts, accepting myself. Sure there are a lot of bitter pills I had to swallow in my whole being, but I had to do it because no one else will. I cannot ask anyone to swallow them for me. I am the sole person capable of understanding myself without the complexity of needing to explain to other people. This time, I'm going to be myself more, be in the moment and stop thinking of the future, stop relying to other people by any means, for goodness sake. I am done thinking straight. LIFE IS NOT LINEAR! Live now or die now.

[peanutbutterandsolacecravings]

Yayyyy!!! Finally!! From those underwhelming lipstick shades, and drying formulas, to a much more acceptable, compact, and satisfying multi-pot!!! Saved tons of money. But brace yourselves, it's gonna get a little too messy. 😜🤗

[peanutbutterandsolacecravings]

10:15 PM On feeling enough, and being enough.

How will you be able to be enough, if in the first place, you don’t feel enough? 

A lot of times we are too quick to define and judge ourselves, by our own standards. Standards on what is enough, to what is not. Standards are sick, and always demeaning. It underestimates possible potentials and strengths. 

We are in constant battle with the voice in our head versus what we really are and what the truth is. We are in constant need to become good by trying to be good, instead of finding the goodness that is already within us or within people, and awakening it. (Oprah, Supersoul Conversations). 

Feeling enough, is being enough. It all starts within us. We may be redefined by other people, but our sole definition only lies within Our Creator. The void that we may be feeling within us, could solely be filled by Him. The only valid standards are those that come from Him. And in His eyes, we are enough. That’s what truly matters.

[peanutbutterandsolacecravings]

Although you may look you’re too tiny from afar in this universe that is too vast, you are very much able to take up space and matter. Do not ever let others define you. 

[peanutbutterandsolacecravings]

Reduce speed. Do things one at a time. Savour every moment. Live for today.

[peanutbutterandsolacecravings]

One of our boss once said, "How do you want to be remembered during your eulogy?"

And then it hit me right through my core.

[peanutbutterandsolacecravings]

6:37 AM

I slept too late, and woke up too early. Sleeping is the only way I could escape everything that worries me. It's the sole reason for my survival in this unfortunate life. Sleep is the only thing that keeps me sane. But it is taken away from me that instant. Now I can't even put myself again to sleep. I can't even condition my mind to sleep soundly, knowing that it will soon be cut short again and I'm gonna be left with wanting for more of it. I cannot enjoy sleeping as I used to. I am deeply worried that the only reason I survive is slowly helping me die.

How am I gonna put an end to this cycle? I guess, I won't.

[peanutbutterandsolacecravings]

Being not alone makes me even lonelier.

I have failed to see the good in having someone with me. Either I end up hating them, or hurting them. I even regret opening-up and voicing out my thoughts, as I’ve always hated it when people try to console me with non-sense and too much insensitivity. I’d rather keep them to myself, or write them down and not be bothered by anyone. But the downside is that I have sudden occasional bursts of emotions, and it makes everything even worse.

[peanutbutterandsolacecravings]

All I have is myself at the end of the day. But shouldn't that be enough for me?

Olivia Rodrigo

[wishbzne-deactivated20210526]

…because the people I most strive to please do me the worst injuries.

Sappho, from Come Close (tr. Aaron Poochigian)

[quotemadness]

Even in the loneliest moments I have been there for myself.

Sanober Khan (via quotemadness)

[peanutbutterandsolacecravings]

Words can either be consoling, or destroying.

[qvotable]

Sometimes all you can do is lie in bed, and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart.

William C. Hannan (via qvotable)

[qvotable]

I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away.

Shauna Niequist (via qvotable)

[peanutbutterandsolacecravings]

7:30 PM

Here I am. Sitting beside my overly dimmed light, laptop heating on my lap, playing Beautiful Life by Bebe Rexha, and wondering how people get to consider their lives as beautiful. Is it by how happy they are? By how much they have achieved? Or maybe what influence and position they have now in their company or work? Or probably just by being alive? 24 years, and I am still in dire search for that BEAUTIFUL LIFE. Do we really need to search for that? Does it come naturally? Or maybe we have that already, but we tend to overlook it from the bad experiences, sufferings, inconveniences, and pain that we had and is still having. 

Lately, it has been rough for me. For the past 7 months, I have lost everything I have. Love, trust, family, friends, job, communication, faith, dreams, passion, drive, will, myself and all else in between. It was indeed a struggle to look for whatever beautiful that’s left in my life. I hunger for appreciation, love, and validation from other people, when I can’t even find it within myself. I cannot love myself. I cannot appreciate the things that I do. I know that I was, and am not myself. No amount of bible verses, inspirational quotes or movies can tame that void that I have within me. Where is the beautiful life? 

[peanutbutterandsolacecravings]

6:28 PM

I’m back again to not understanding things. I cannot find comfort in the things that I used to enjoy. Although I may still have those grand dreams that I used to have before, I have lost all my will to try and do things to get close to achieving them. Or I have the thought that I don’t have any opportunity to get close to them. I felt like I fell back thousand times from where I used to be. I find it too burdensome to even carry myself to wake up in the morning.There was this one time when I had the courage to open up depression to my sister, but she turned a blind eye on it. And now I have lost the only person I thought I could turn to. God knows how much I cry at night and never wanted to wake up from my sleep. I’m feeling that this may be my end but I am not to put it in my hands.

[peanutbutterandsolacecravings]

10:32 PM

and slowly recuperating. This is me, realizing that I won’t be able to get over my feelings, my demons, by sulking and physically hurting myself, and through avoiding conversation or interactions with people. I have decided to go out, converse with the person who truly cares, and attend Victory service this Sunday, even when my body is refusing and giving me unreasonable reasons not to do so. I ate my favorite food, drank my favorite coffee, and buy things that I doesn’t necessarily want or need. I heard God’s word. I did things that usually make me happy. I am slowly, and finally grasping my worth, my purpose. Although not completely, but I will get there through Christ. Here are my notes from Pastor Rico’s sermon from the series, Imago Dei:

·         Your identity will determine your purpose.

·         If you don’t know the purpose of a thing, you abuse it.

·         Don’t listen to what the world is saying. Go back to what God is saying.

·         What matters is about who we are in Christ.

·         Our identity comes from God.

·         Bloom where God has planted you.

WOW! Just wow! Very timely. God truly knows what you need, and when exactly you are ready to hear it.