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Cold Business - Chapter 4 (CONT'D)

This is a is part of the Frozen AU fanfic “Cold Business”. (#CBElsa)

Written by peculiarbraindeer Additional story and editing: siraphan

Chapter 1 - The Scottish Princess (Part 1, 2, 3) Chapter 2 - The Ice Queen (Part 1, 2, 3) Chapter 3 - Anna of Arendelle (Part 1, 2, 3, 4) Chapter 4 - Angus (Part 1, 2, 3)

Chapter 4 - Angus - Part 4

[Disclaimer – the description of panic attacks is not something everyone wants to read, so I hereby warn you that this part of CB-Elsa contains such. If you do not wish to read about this in detail, feel free to visit *this page* and read a brief description of this part.]

Blue faces under a white shell. Panic. A cry in her dry throat. Wet stains on her clothes.

Mama! Papa!

Once she had left Merida behind, Elsa had put her sunglasses back on and stoically endured the taxi ride, tossed a few bills at the driver without caring what they were and accidentally dropped her keys three times before she managed to open her door. Bag, coat, glasses – all of them fell carelessly to the cold floor, but she could not bring herself to pick them up. Everything in the apartment seemed wrong and sterile – the tiles were too white, the surfaces too shiny, and the sun was bouncing off the floor in sparkles. Everything was just too much like ice and the coldness that engulfed her threatened to take her breath.

Elsa tore the sliding doors to her patio open and stumbled onto the clean wood. A handful of New York’s rooftop bees went about her cranesbills as if the day could not be more beautiful, but Elsa could not feel their careless happiness. To her, the air was stale and thick with a stuffy heat. It drew the oxygen from the air around her, as if a hungry fire was competing with her lungs. At this point, she did not remember the shopping bag she had lost to Merida’s grip nor could she recall the face of the taxi driver or the roads he had taken. She wished she could call upon these useless details right now to fill her mind. Instead she had other memories from a time long past, unwelcome and painful, invading her mind with no hope for escape.

It was for these episodes that she had Anna on speed dial – but it still cost her a considerable amount of effort to hit the right buttons with her shivering hands. Anna was quicker to pick up than last time Elsa had called in such desperation, kneeling on her office floor. Yet, demanding Anna’s emotional support so desperately, tearing her out of her careless college world for her own selfish needs – it was a strain on Elsa. The emotional battle tore her mind apart, making it jump from past to present and back again without much sense. Anna had to ask her sister to reiterate herself more clearly over and over again, and that made Elsa only more upset and even less coherent.

Her own sentences seemed to melt together, leaving only single words standing in her mind.

Merida… Ice skating… Memories… Pictures … I’m sorry – I’m so sorry still.

Thus, she turned into a complete mess of tears and pain. Her merciless mind would not stop pushing her back through all those years, swamping her with images and emotions until she was merely sobbing apologies to people who would never hear her.

Anna let Elsa sob until she had run dry and exhausted, unable to take deep breaths without shuddering. She had run out of words, too, leaving room for Anna to speak. The tidal wave that had overwhelmed Elsa had caught her sister as well, but Elsa only realized this now, as Anna’s strained voice spoke sweet words of empathy to her – empathy that was so deep, it could not come from someone who had merely listened. Elsa felt like she had dragged Anna down under´the ice … again.

“I’m sorry, Elsa… I wished we’d never have to go through that again.”

Despite being swamped with new guilt for what she had just done to Anna without even realizing, Elsa found it impossible to free her voice of the pain that still lingered. “I shouldn’t have called… I should have let you be and dealt with it myself,“ she admitted, but it was way too late.

“Elsa…!” Anna reprimanded, as if to remind her of the many times she had clarified that she’d always be there. The insistence to drop everything and put herself through those memories, only because her older sister had instigated it, only fanned Elsa’s guilt. As the older, she should have been the strong one, but wasn’t.

“Just-“ Elsa continued, “I was so angry! How could she do this to me? Why would anyone do this?!” Maybe, at least, she could get away from the past by concentrating on the here and now.

Anna sighed. “Elsa..! She probably didn’t know.”

“Everyone knows, Anna! Everyone with a stupid TV set or a computer knows - and she has both. How could she?” Concentrating on Merida surely worked for Elsa – the pain shrunk away to make room for anger.

“I don’t think she is the type to buy glossy magazines and watch ‘Celebrity Report’, Elsa. In fact, she probably doesn’t read the Manager Magazine or the Financial Times, either.”

Elsa wanted to believe her, but she couldn’t. “It’s not like she needed to come across my name by accident. She knows who I am. Google or Wikipedia would do,” she argued. Who would have blamed her, anyway? There, Merida got to know one person with power and money, wouldn’t it be tempting enough to research a little to make sure her own influence on Elsa was sufficient to—

“I know you’re angry, Elsa,” Anna cut through Elsa’s thoughts before she could finish them, sounding more like their father than she ever had, “but you’re misjudging her… and you should probably get to know her better.”

“Anna, I know how people work, I have spent-“

“Merida is not ‘people’. Do you know what she told me when I ca—“ Anna coughed, “when I talked to her? She said she consciously refuses to look up things about people. She said something about it not reflecting their personality or so, and that she’d rather find out for herself.”

Elsa hesitated. She couldn’t even imagine. Knowledge was power, wasn’t it? Knowledge about people even more so. Was Merida’s world so different as to be free of the rumors and images that Elsa could not escape from, no matter how hard she tried? Why would all those stories fly past Merida so easily? Wouldn’t they catch her attention when she came across them?

Elsa could not flee from the media flinging her past at her, even when she desperately wanted to. Why would Merida, who had no reason to run from another person’s juicy life story, even wish to? Wasn’t she so social – wouldn’t people around her be gossiping about anything and everything, come across “Elsa of Arendelle” at some point? Or was she too vain to believe that her name made it into the dark bars for New York’s underground?

She could hear Anna take a deep breath. “Elsa,… don’t take this the wrong way, please – but I think you should apologize to Merida.”

“Apologize? Elsa began again, immediately feeling defensive. “But she purposefully—“

“No, Elsa,” Anna cut in calmly but firmly. “It was an unfortunate, stupid, bad thing, but I really don’t think she wanted to hurt you. Why would she want to?”

Elsa pressed her lips together. After hearing Anna’s words, she was first angry, angry that Anna would protect Merida who had hurt Elsa so much. She could think of a million reasons why people would play with her wounds like this, but even as she tried to formulate them in her head, she knew that none fit to the quirky bar owner with the careless laughter and sunny spirit. So far, Merida had been nothing but fun – in her obnoxious, carefree way –, grateful and honest. Elsa had no reason to assume that Merida had ever meant to provoke her. It dawned on her that Anna had a good point, something unfortunate had happened between them. She also remembered that she had told Merida she had ice-skated when she was little, but she had also neglected to tell her how she had no intention to ever set foot on the ice ever again.

An accident? It was possible.

“You both seemed to have a good time before this. I know this isn’t pleasant or easy, but please don’t throw everything away because of a misunderstanding,” Anna continued when Elsa failed to respond. She could not know that Elsa’s thoughts had slowly begun to flow in sync with hers. “You seemed happy to be around her. It felt good to see you that way.”

The words were well-meant but jabbed at Elsa’s heart. Of course Anna would appreciate the casual bond that was forming between her sister and Merida – after all, every trouble that Elsa ever faced was eventually carried back to her little sister’s freckled shoulders. Whatever Elsa did, she always seemed to pile up an extra burden on her sister, regardless of what Anna might have on her back already. Elsa knew that she often selfishly demanded Anna’s help and attention, never even asking what she had pulled Anna away from. Her sister always patiently took the time to take this weight, no matter how much her own life might be pounding on her. She never piled her own troubles on Elsa, never demanded a favor in return for sharing Elsa’s pain. It must have seemed like a welcome chance to Anna to bring someone in who could at least be a distraction for her sister. And here Elsa was, blowing it all away because she had lost all connection to a world without skyscrapers, stock markets and business suits and did not know how to handle herself outside of that environment anymore.

For Anna’s sake, she should at least make an effort to find some other outlet and distractions for her pain.

As she pondered this, she failed to realize that she still had not spoken to Anna for the last minutes.

“Elsa…? I can call Merida if you want… but I really think that you should do it,” Anna insisted.

Elsa took a deep breath, the words passing her lips with more effort than she had anticipated: “I will try. I promise.” For Anna, she reminded herself, and for those who had left them alone in this rough world.

---

Many of Merida’s regular visitors claimed that the Scottish princess just ‘knew how to deal with people’, but that was not true. All Merida ever did was be herself, but that seemed to do the trick often enough. She loved people. She enjoyed harmony, a good conversation, a good joke and how everyone she spoke to understood things differently, reacted in a different way and made her act a little differently herself, without ever changing her own personality. Some people needed to put in their place with a verbal poke and a smile, others dealt better with politeness. Some people preferred to be given the chance to apologize for any trouble they had caused, others would try to act like it never happened and feel relieved to find out that Merida was not a person who harbored feelings of resentfulness.

So when Elsa called, it came naturally to Merida to listen to the businesswoman’s brief apology, weighed with the effort it had cost the woman to even pick up the phone. Yet, when Elsa fell quiet, probably waiting for a reply, for blame and anger from Merida’s side, it came naturally to the Scottish Princess to simply suggest that Elsa join her on a long-planned ride away from the city, if she felt like it. In Elsa’s reply, she could hear the relief that Merida was not going to discuss that unfortunate ice skating event any further.

On the plus side, the poor woman felt so guilty, that despite her worries about riding on a motorbike, she did not dare refuse the invitation. Good for her – that lady obviously needed to get out more, so what was better than a little trip into nature?

This time, Merida had told Elsa beforehand that they were going to a park to enjoy a simple picnic. She had no desire to repeat the surprise-gone-wrong act and find out that Elsa also had problem with parks, bees, trees, or had a phobia of ducks in a pond. The picnic idea had prompted Elsa to bring a bit of Tupperware.

“I did not make it myself – I cannot cook to save my life – but my housekeeper is very good at providing little treats.”

Merida laughed. “Yanno, I don’ care who made it, as long as it tastes alrigh’.” She dropped two bottles of water next to the food into Angus’ saddlebags, then added plastic dishes and a blanket. Afterwards, she reached out next to the bike and picked up a black leather suit and a few other accessories she handed over to Elsa.

“Tha’s my old gear. I keep it as mah spare. A bit worn, I reckon, but perfectly capable of keepin’ ye safe ’n’ warm.”

Elsa lifted a broad, black piece of heavy cloth with thick strips of Velcro at both ends. “What is this…?”

Merida laughed at Elsa’s confused face, and took the belt from her. “S’a kidney belt,” she explained, stretching it and pulling it around Elsa to close it tightly. “Keeps yer kidneys an’ belly warm and cozy.” She patted the belt above Elsa’s kidneys, deciding it was a good idea to wrap her tightly as she was only wearing a thin sweater, and her figure was so frail and thin she’d be chilled to the bone in no time without the proper gear.

Merida busied herself checking Angus’ breaks, lights and tires, while Elsa awkwardly got into the old leather suit. Maybe she should have offered Elsa a room to change in, but it had not occurred to her that someone could be unhappy slipping into the one-piece biker suit right there on the doorstep of the Scottish Princess. Elsa needed no further help with the helm or the gloves, though she seemed a bit weary getting onto the bike.

Merida grabbed Elsa’s hands and pulled them tightly around her own waist. “Hold on tigh’ly, don’ move ter much, lean into the turns, an’ … most importantly – trust me,” she instructed through the open visor or her helmet.

From behind her, she heard a faint “…uhn!” which was probably affirmative. Yet, as she started the motor and slowly navigated Angus onto the street, she could feel Elsa’s hands tighten a little more around her. She would be fine, though – Merida and Angus would see to her safety. And so they turned onto the big streets and headed towards the warm early afternoon sun.

Some people would claim that the biggest advantage – and similarly the biggest disadvantage – of riding a motorcycle with a passenger was the forced physical closeness, but Merida thought otherwise. For her, biggest advantage was that with a helmet on her head and the wind blowing past them, there was no room for conversation. Instead, there was the beautiful scenery to take in, the sunshine to enjoy and the feeling of flying past it all with her rumbling machine, leaning softly into curvy roads and sneaking past bulky cars stuck in traffic.

Of course, there was some physical closeness – but it was separated by thick layers of leather, just good enough to take off that edge in a slow, patient way, when things had recently become awkward. By the time such a ride was done, the gap between two people could be significantly smaller because clinging to each of their own thoughts, lulled by the steady hum of the motor, they had relaxed together.

Any remaining awkwardness after arriving at the park was eliminated by being forced to work and decide a few details together: Where would they put up the picnic blanket, where was the best protection against the wind, and how long would they stay before it was time to head back. By the time everything was set up for the late afternoon lunch, Elsa felt like an old friend to Merida, who was just different enough from her to be entertaining.

They had set themselves under a wide oak tree and while the wind tossed Merida’s mess of a mane about, Elsa felt the need to brush her hair (much to Merida’s amusement). While Elsa tidied her already tidy hair, Merida was busy fending off a tiny army of ants that had developed a huge passion for the peach wedges.

“Okay, ye’ buncha bugs – yeh get one wedge an’ me an’ Elsa will keep the rest.” She laid a piece aside, but the ants did not seem to care.

“I don’t think they heard you,” Elsa chuckled.

“Greedy!” Merida laughed and brushed them off the blanket, then built a wall of Tupperware in their path.

Once the onslaught of the six-legged army was properly diverted, Merida and Elsa ate, falling back into comfortable conversation patterns and learning that no matter which branch of life you walked around, the same stereotypes seemed to appear in people everywhere — - and a lot of things in both their worlds were surprisingly similar, while others seemed miles apart. The teetering between finding similarities in their experiences and being intrigued by major difference made for an interesting and entertaining conversation that stretched on for a good long while.

Eventually, with pleasantly stuffed bellies and a summer breeze in the air, they fell into silence to fully take in the scenery around them. There was lush green grass, broken only by a careful assortment of trees, a sparkling lake with oddly patterned geese taking their rounds and the occasional squirrel hasting from one hideout to the next. Merida closed her eyes, let the breeze comb through her hair, and listened to the orchestra of birds around her.

When she looked at Elsa, it seemed the blond woman was doing the same, though she might have looked more elegant doing so.

There was something in the air – or was it in Elsa’s face? The little look she sent Merida, the edge of a frown on her perfect eyebrows… Merida looked away intuitively, giving Elsa the time to fully reflect on whatever was on her mind. Oddly enough, Merida’s heart seemed to pound a little harder – she could feel Elsa’s eyes upon her. With every pore of her being, while looking over the park, she tried to convey that it would only take a word for Elsa to get her attention.

And then, Elsa spoke – softly and carefully, as if taking the first steps on frozen water.

“When I was little…” she paused, as if to give Merida the time to turn her head and look at her, which she did, “Maybe around four or five, I started ice skating. I won many trophies for many years – and my parents always supported me.”

Merida decided not to interrupt, but let her speak and wait.

“They always supported me, came to all of my contests and performances, no matter how busy they were. Soon, Anna started to follow me and my mother to my practices.” There was a subtle, restrained smile on Elsa’s face. “Wherever she could, she imitated me, her big sister, sliding around on frozen puddles and pretending to be a dancer.” There was a pause that prompted Merida to turn her eyes away for a moment, giving Elsa room, as she was searching for the right words, eyes sparkling with internal struggle.

“A year or two later, our little brother Olaf joined her as soon as he could walk, holding her tightly with both of his little hands. They spun around on the winter ice in the backyard imitating every move I did during training in that clumsy toddler sort of way. At the time, Anna was only five, Olaf was three, and I was eight years old.”

She raised a hand to her bright braid, looking at the thin elastic band as she spoke, almost seeming unaware of Merida’s presence. Yet, she had to take a deep breath before she could continue. Though the story was – so far – a collection of seemingly happy memories, Elsa was struggling.

“That day - I don’t know why I did it. Maybe I thought the puddles were too small to fully enjoy their ice, maybe I did not know how to buy tickets for the ice rink, or maybe I just sensed an opportunity… but…” she hesitated, “While my parents were busy, I took Anna and Olaf to the lake in the nearby park all on my own, where in the depth of winter everyone danced and skated together and had a lot of fun. Only… that morning, it wasn’t the depth of winter.” She took another deep breath. “I sat down on the ice, saying I would dance for them… and… when I was done putting my skates on, Anna and Olaf were no longer there.” She spoke calmly, but the quiver in her voice played testimony to the effort it cost her to speak of this.

A cold shudder ran through Merida’s body, despite the sunny afternoon. She could see Elsa swallow as she paused, but did not dare to interrupt. A spark of sunlight reflected off those large blue eyes, breaking into colors on a single salty droplet. Then, Elsa she turned her head down again, combing her elegant fingertips through the tip of her braid.

“I honestly don’t remember much of it,” she admitted. “Not much but the fear I felt, and how I realized that we were completely alone. What I do remember… every day… is Olaf’s face. They did not want me to see, but I of course had – long before they arrived, when I tried to pull him back to that hole he had fallen through, so he’d find his way out. They managed to save Anna just in time, but Olaf - I could not reach him, before he --- before---“ Her voice broke and she turned away, too dignified to break into sobs, but too little in control to keep the tears at bay.

Merida swallowed, captured by Elsa’s pain. Against her own will, she remembered one of the images from that stupid expose she had seen on TV at McGuffin’s place – fluttering yellow crime scene tape, people in white suits at a frozen lake. This new knowledge gave meaning to those images, and tore mercilessly at her heart.

If it affected her so, what did these memories do to Elsa?

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