pennywishpoems

poems for processing

[pennywishpoems]

still here

[pennywishpoems]

To my OCD as it tries to sabotage everything that's good for me.

I bought a watercolor tray the other day and

Thought I’d paint your face and then without a trace

You'd disappear from every single page. And that’s okay.

M

[pennywishpoems]

Hearse Haiku

They took your body

But left the hospital bed

The ghost of you sleeps

M

[pennywishpoems]

i must write

I’m muting my mind with music too loud

All of my friends are sick of this narrative

And my trauma glows in flames of doubt

That healing’s essential, urgent, and imperative

I must speak

I must sob

I must submit

Even amiss

i must write

m

[pennywishpoems]

i've been trying to write this grief poem for an entire year.

i want to talk to you so desperately that i’m about to cry.

i want to wring your doctors’ necks because- why the fuck- why?!

i want to scream into the woods where all the trees have fallen.

i heard them land; they felt me sink; they know all about depression.

i want to walk with you so painfully that i wish i could die.

klonopin, garage door shut, drifting toward that flatline.

honestly i’m only here because my dog would never get it. 

he’d wake and pace the hardwood planks, in some sort of prison.

i want to go back in time so fiercely that i kick the walls at night. 

some cashier saw those men but didn’t think to try?

you'd catch me at 10, under the bridge, waiting at 711. 

instead i attend your funeral; Lana says yes to heaven. 

m

[pennywishpoems]

& i need it

i crave your connection

tonight i almost beg

the slightest bit of motherly affection

cures my ache and wakes the dead

pen

[pennywishpoems]

You Would’ve Lived a Beautiful Life

I hope you’re running

manically through heaven

just as your father says

you are.

You’re sprinting through obstacles

like my beating heart.

Dodging magical icicles

descending into the dark.

Remember the Christmas

decor?

‘member reaching for mama’s

hand

at four?

only to tragically let go at five;

you held too much magic

for this timeline.

M

[pennywishpoems]

A year ago

I hope you’ve run manically

In heaven as fast

As you sprinted wildly through

My beating heart

Pen

[pennywishpoems]

milkweed

now i’m crying over washed out seeds

upturned plants means you’re further from me

i’d rooted these to bring butterflies and bees

so that i’d always know you’re still with me 

but this house doesn’t have gutters

they were blundered, stubborn, under

the winds and the rains; i’d be the same

if i hadn’t made a pact to recover

m

[pennywishpoems]

2013 tumblr

i miss this place

when it was 2013

and i had friends

connection

loneliness wasn't a thing once viral

and to think

i tore it all down

all of the sudden

i miss everyone

[pennywishpoems]

haiku

so easy to think "would they all really miss me?" i deserve this hell.

m

[pennywishpoems]

Ahaha I am not gonna make it in this world for much longer

[pennywishpoems]

Crossfaded

Now I’m crossfaded on a Wednesday night

Believing my mom will die tonight

My partner states it’s the disease’s game

But I just can’t put up the fight today

Burnt out, defeated, deflated

Text messages from my therapist

Hospital referrals at my fingertips

I thought i was surviving this

He shouldn’t love me

He doesn’t need me

Why the fuck does he love me

But I need him to love me

There’s panic entwined 

In the pity party that is tonight

I think i’ll starve for the hell of it

My skipped meals fuel the depression

Leave me be to suffer and grieve

Feed me nightmare fuel, ruin my sleep

I’ll take it with persistence and grinding barred teeth

To think I just want you next to me. 

& I can’t help it

m

[pennywishpoems]

but you’d still love me, right? 

after holding my hair as i vommited

the anxiety pills 

and the sleeping pills

and all the other pills:  the

ones in your medicine cabinet

and my purse pockets

and i’d say sorry

so many times

‘til it’s no longer a word

sorry.

sorry.

m

[pennywishpoems]

the worst

some nights at the forefront of my dreams

lies a facade; it’s some version of me

broken but masked beyond belief

refusing to let vulnerability speak

awake in recovery, i brood by the creek

to cope with flashbacks i fall into deep sleep

i’ll do almost anything to bolt from anxiety

like shoot myself in the mouth, slit open an artery

and why are my innermost words so depressing

eight people read them if i’m that lucky

the night is long and the sleep is lonely

unless i swallow the pills sorta meant to sedate me

drift off into nightmares- but at least it’s sleep

crashing out like a ship in broken open seas

i don’t stand a chance against the threat of the reef

bet i’ll haunt the halls of your most holy of memories

or maybe you know exactly what i mean

when i fantasize about the cliff in the trees

you wanna let it out that desperately

then you can find me; you can join me

m

[pennywishpoems]

modern day sylvia plath

he won’t let me go

maybe he knows

but god if i’ve ever felt disobedient

and desperate

and delusional

and manic

this night would be it. 

barely outrunning psychosis

end it where it started

that was where my life imploded

i haven't recovered in years since

so i want the cliff

i want the hike

wanna be what they’ll miss

after this joke that’s my life

m

[pennywishpoems]

waiting for my therapist's call

i hurt myself tonight

out of the blue, yet so routine

risk an overdose, i might

i’ve got a bottle i’ve been saving

& this isnt a fear tactic

just musing, it’s how i feel

beaten, forced to laugh and kid

dead inside like it’s no big deal

m