FORGIVEN- Brian Otis Zvonecek
Summary: You and Brian haven't seen each other for months, distanced by pain and resentment, but the past comes back to knock at the door a night like any other (but not without the help of Brett and Joe )
Warnings : Mention of Panic Attack and past abusive relationships
"For the last time, Sylvie: I don't intend to come at any double date with... her." It's been about ten times that Otis has told her this, yet his friend hasn't stopped pestering him since the morning.
"It's not a double date!" Sylvie replies "You are just coming to the the Street Food Expo with me, Joe and y/n."
"And I bet it's a coincidence that we are four people and two of us are a couple and then there's me and y/n. If this isn't a double date..." He mutters, shaking his head.
"Come on," She pleads "if you'll come, y/n won't be hanging around me and Joe all the time but at the same time she won't be in danger being alone at home. You know, since she has broken up with that asshole, Marcus, he follows her everywhere. He has even stopped by my apartment a few times, we haven't opened the door but it was scary as hell."
Otis tries to ignore the painful pinch in his chest at the mention of Marcus and the fact that he is now your ex. He tries to stop the anger that boils in his veins at the idea that someone could even think of hurting you. "Right, and you can't ask anyone else?"
This is not how he wants to say it, he doesn't know why words escape his lips like this. "No Otis, I can't and you know it too. You were her best friends, you still are." He shakes his head again, Brett nails him with an accusing look. "Come on, I'm begging you. If you don't want to do it for her, do it for me."
And truth is, Brian would do anything for you.
He has already done it, everything.
He has tired to save you for two years from that toxic and wrong relationship you got yourself stuck into, getting a door in his face and a broken heart in return. When Marcus has forced you to choose one day, you've chosen him.
"I don't even like the expo" He replies but now he's already convinced to come and Brett knows it.
"Pick us up at half past eight, be punctual and..." "But I do not -"
"Be on time and wear something nice, okay? You never know what can happen" After lingering for several seconds and insulting himself with at least fifteen different offensive expressions, in fact, Otis sighs and gives up.
"Oh thanks!" Sylvie throws her arms around his neck, euphoric
"Thank you, thank you, tha â"
"Let's be clear about one thing, though" he interrupts her without breaking away "first: you owe me a favor, and secondly... You are aware that if this is a move to clarify things between me and y/n it won't work, right?" Brett giggles in amusement, pulling away but still holding him by the shoulders.
"Don't worry Otis, this night is for me not for you."
And Brian doesn't know why, but when Brett leaves a strange feeling pushes between in his chest and throat, something like an itch that he can not soothe. "But if you still want her, I'm sure y/n needs you"
This perhaps makes him feel almost worse.
Friday night is almost as sacred to you as Christmas to your mother. Although practically everyone thinks of you as a pub girl, you love to spend Fridays at home, on the sofa wearing only a tank top, bra free, with sweatpants, a glass of wine and Marcus by your side back during the good old days, when he still was the guy you fell in love with in high school.
There was another time then when your Friday nights - but also your Saturdays and Tuesdays - were the Mollys.
Brian, to be more specific.
Your Fridays has been Brian at one point. When with Marcus it was all ups and downs, all messed up and sad and pathetic, you have found yourself there more and more, with that sweet, nice fireman you had slept with once, during one of the many breakups with Marcus, and who then somehow had became your best friend.
A friendship you've always paid dearly for.
A punch once. A kick in the ribs. A glass on the head yet another time. Every time Marcus has remembered that Otis was still part of your life, it has gotten worse. And you have accepted everything, without saying anything to Brian, because you were sure that if he knew that what you were going through was somehow his fault - of his texts and his calls- then he would have felt guilty forever and you didn't want to. Also he was going to kill Marcus, and you didn't want that too. He would have tried to save you. Indeed he did it to be honest, after two years of friendship, after two years of lies and subterfuge, after two years in which you swore you had left Marcus so many times.
"It's really over" but then you always came back to him and Brian could only watch you self-destruct in the name of your sick love, of a life you didn't deserve, a man who have convinced you that you're worthless without him.
And that's how you feel now: worthless and pathetic.
Brian has tried to save you, even putting Antonio in the middle and reporting Marcus.
He did it without your knowledge, while you were still unconscious in a hospital bed, after Marcus threw you down the stairs.
A concussion, bruised face, broken rib and arm. Even that wasn't enough to make you give up.
"I fell" You have said to the police, saving his ass again one time.
"You didn't have the right" you have yelled at Brian, later, with an IV still in your body. He couldn't look at your swollen and pale face, he couldn't touch your cold skin. He couldn't accept that the best person he knew, the only woman in the world from whom he had willingly accepted a friend-zone because he would have wanted you in his life in any way, the person he called at the end of every difficult shift and knew how to calm him like no one else in the world, you, his precious y/n were a mess of bruises, tears and broken bones.
In his heart he blamed himself for everything, because he should have stopped it, he should have killed Marcus, he should have asked you out after your first -and only- night together instead of waiting days just to find you with him again.
He should have understood sooner that he was the right man for you, gathered courage and stepped forward.
Brian could not understand that you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.
"I can stand up for myself"
"Oh I. see it. Fuck I'm tired of finding you like this, I'm tired of standing still while you let that son of a bitch kill you."
He raised his voice and waved his hands in the air gesturing in a way that for some reason scared you and covered your face to protect yourself.. Your body instinctively reacted to the only thing it knew by now: violence and Brian looked at you with the biggest eyes in the world, scared of himself.. He brought a hand to his face, trying to hide how much that gesture of yours struck him, then he leaned towards you and gently as if you were made of glass, he embraced you.
When you met again, Brian was at your door. When you met again, you had just discovered that no, he hadn't given up on the Marcus investigation and had continued to put Voight and his bloody cop friends in the middle.
"I did it because I'm your friend y/n fuck"
You opened the door just enough to see his face collapse as you yelled.
"Then maybe you shouldn't be. I don't need you"
It's been four months. Somehow you found the courage to leave Marcus when you saw him try to lay hands on Sylvie, one evening when she came by to see how you were doing.Â
You've moved in with her, you've taken your life back in your hands . You've never seen Brian though.
"Hurry up y/n" Brett intimates.
"Take it easy, Joe will surely be late anyway" You reply, putting on your lipstick.
"There's been a change of plans," Syilvie says hastily, pulling on her black boots.
"Joe and Otis will be picking us up in a bit."
"When were you going to tell me he's coming too?" you scream, your voice high-pitched, smearing lipstick in your cheeks in anxiety. You clean yourself quickly, so hard it feels like you want to peel off your skin and you try not to notice the way your heart has started pounding at the mention of his name.
You tell yourself that you can do it, that it's okay, that you're ready to see him again even if you know it's not true. For a moment a little voice whispers in you ear that you shouldn't go with them, but you can't: the idea of being alone still scares you.
"Please wipe that depressed look off your face" she begs.
"You know what's depressing? The fact that you have invited him because I can't be alone, at my age. It's all so absurd."
You shake your head, trying to smile
"Of all the people in the world you had to invite him? You couldn't invite... I don't know, Kelly? Dawson?" You ask, putting on your favorite jacket at full speed.
"Because he's your best friend and you miss him more than you care to admit and he's the only one you wouldn't be ashamed to tell what Marcus is still doing to you. Besides, I know he's the only one you could bear to spend some time with right now, he's special to you." she replies, bringing out the best of her innocent expressions, while you roll your eyes and just pray that it will end quickly.
You like less and less the fact that deep down you know how right Sylvie is: Brian Zvonecek is without a shadow of doubt the only person in the world who has managed to understand you, he was also the only one to touch the deepest strings of your heart when you thought it was made of stone after all the years with Marcus.
He has crushed your soul in a way no one had before and he did it with kindness and delicacy, without having to do anything more than be himself.
He has taught you to still believe in good people and in true love, the one made of caresses, of sharing, of sweetness.
You've figured it out too late and repaid him treating his like he didn't matter, like he wasn't important.
You know it's his greatest fear, being abandoned, being left behind, being less important to others, being the last wheel in the cart and you hurt him in the worst way.
No matter how much Sylvie and Joe keep telling you that it's not true, that in cases like yours it's a normal reaction, that Marcus has manipulated you for a long time, that Otis doesn't see it that way and that he will understand if you talk to him: you just can't look at his face now.
"I still don't understand why I can't be in the front sit." Otis mutters, turning to look out the window at the Chicago nightscape.. It's just the beginning of the evening and he's already tired of the palpable tension between you two, he's tired of having to keep his head turned away because he can't bear the sight you, he's tired of feeling your eyes on him.
"Come on man. Sylvie 's my girlfriend it's normal that I make her sit here, Have you ever heard of gallantry?" Otis shakes his head. "Yes right, gallantry"
Sylvie turns towards you, she gives you a look to give you courage but you don't speak, you remain silent, you throw a few glances at Brian from time to time that he doesn't reciprocate and you are here, still, to torture your hands wondering if you should have stayed at home.
He hates you and you can't stand it.
When Cruz's car stops suddenly to avoid colliding with another car you are thrown forward hard. It's an instantaneous gesture, so quick, fast and natural that he doesn't realize it and maybe not even you. Not really.
In a second the fireman's arm is in front of you, as if to protect you, keeping you in your place, avoiding any kind of danger.
You don't even hear Joe and Sylvie's curses, you and Brian are still in your moment, still In the instant in which after so many months your bodies are touching again, and under layers of clothes you can both feel a shiver shaking your bodies .
"Everything Okay?" He asks, his voice shaking, realizing what he's just done. He withdraws his arm slowly, reluctantly. He hates to admit it, but he would like to stay like this forever.
This little contact, it seems enough for him and he feels like a fool.
You nod. "Everything fine?" You ask, looking directly at his face for the first time. You've missed his dark eyes so much that you can't quantify it in words, so much that the world exists only in his gaze and you wonder how you haven't realized before all this, how wonderful and big his eyes are.
How much you need his gaze on you.
He reciprocates with an intensity that scares you, that doesn't seem real. Marcus has never looked at you like that. Not even once.
Not even at the beginning.
Brian, he has looked at you like that all the time.
If he's still looking at you like that then maybe he doesn't hate you.
But then, as soon as he comes to his senses, his gaze returns hard, cold, distant, all hope is lost.
When the car starts again, he turns around and puts a distance between you two. The world is suddenly colder. He shifts his eyes to you, again and again, being careful not to be noticed.He thinks you are beautiful. He thinks you're beautiful and you seem better off without that asshole.
He can't help but be happy about it.
"It's going to be a long night," Joe murmurs softly.
I'm sure of that too, Otis thinks, still looking at you sideways.
He's never been lucky with love, of course, but with you it's something that goes beyond love, beyond friendship, beyond everything. Something he can't describe or name, but still hurts terribly
Brian doesn't hate y/n, at all. He could never, not even when you have decided to cut all ties. What makes him angry is never being able to fully understand you.
You are a mystery, even though he knows you so well. One second you're a strong and independent woman, the best he knows, the most talented, the liveliest and nicest, the next you're Marcus' puppet, silent at her side, submissive, afraid and dull.
Sure, it's not your fault, but he can't help but get angry to see how you let an ordinary man shut down someone as amazing as you, it angers him to know how little respect you have for yourself to think you deserve something like this. No matter if it's over, Brian will carry this anger with him forever maybe.
Brett goes out of the car, clutching Cruz's arm, announcing that they're going to go for a walk on their own.
"No" You say instinctively. "I mean, I thought we were supposed to be together." You continue then, hoping you haven't offended Brian.
"We need to discuss something, then we'll catch up with you" Brett replies winking at Otis and walking away before he can reply.
Cruz doesn't know if his friend has the strength to do it anyway. He is confused and upset to have you here again, Joe knows this and isn't entirely sure of Brett's plan.
"You're crazy" Joe whispers.
"They both need it, I can't take it anymore"
"You realize we're pretending to still be together just for them, Sylvie, you're crazy"Â Joe shakes his head.
"it's crazy that those two don't talk to each other anymore"
Brian watches you, the way you bite your nails tense, the way you move your knee, and bite your lip. You are agitated and something more: scared. "Everything Okay?" He asks, his voice hoarse.
"Yes, yes, don't worry, it's just that I haven't imagine a night like this"
"And how have imagined it?" He asks. You shake your head, smile just letting your hair cover your face red with embarrassment.
"I didn't expect to see you Bri, I wasn't ready"And he almost wants to yell at you that you drove him away, and he doesn't need to talk. You know the face he makes when something makes him nervous, recognize it and remain silent. "I think we should go" he says he points to the stalls.. He starts walking then he stops and turns to you.
"I knew you'd be there, but it doesn't make it any easier"
You nod. "I'm sorry, I'd give anything to..."
The words dies in your throat.
"Me too y/n" he replies, hinting for the first time a smile under his mustache that you like so much.
"Come on, let's go get something to eat" he whispers.
It's not all solved, but it's a start and for now it already seems almost a miracle.
You see him everywhere, it takes your breath away.
Marcus is in every shadow, in every man, in every corner and you can't help but tremble with every step you take. Your hands are shaking, your legs are limp and you're breathing hard but you don't want Brian to notice.
Marcus is in your head, just in your fucking head.
"Do you prefer ketchup or barbecue?" Brian turns to you, wallet in his hands, an almost serene expression on his face. It takes you a while to answer, to understand. You remember that you're at the hot dog stand, that everything's fine, that you're talking to Brian and Brett and Joe will be back soon and it'll be even better.
"I ... Nothing" You whisper, your voice trembles, your eyes move from side to side looking for something that can justify your fear, the shiver down your spine.
"You sure? Oh girl that's fool" He comments, giggling. You place a hand on his clutching wallet.
"No Bri, there's no need"
You don't want him to pay. It's not right.
"Look, it's okay. I'm still mad at you, but I'm also happy to be here and it won't make me broke" You don't even smile, you keep looking around you and you feel the air getting heavy, almost oppressive.
"Dude" One of the guys from the truck intervenes."Watch out for your girlfriend, she doesn't seem so well" Otis doesn't bother to say that you're not his girlfriend, he gently pushes you out of line as soon as he realizes you're shaking like a leaf and looking paler than ever.
He hates himself for not noticing it sooner.
"Ei ei y/n, what's going on?" You shake your head.
"it's nothing, it's All Right"
You can't tell him. You can't reopen this wound. Brian would freak out, look for Marcus.
What if... If he is really here?
He would put himself in danger for you, you know he would. You can't let it happen.
"I just need some air" You move away but Brian, quick as lightning, grabs you by the arm.. The gesture takes you back in time, where the hands holding you are not those of the fireman and they are not delicate at all but mean, cruel. You stiffen and Brian realizes it without you having to speak.
He seems to read your mind, he's always been good at it.
"You didn't do anything Bri. I'm not made of crystal, you can touch me"
You start walking again trying to erase the fear from your heart and he stops you after a few seconds, looking you up with his big dark eyes as if the whole world dependeds on you and you alone.
"Don' t look at me like this"
"Tell me what you have then"
You feel the tears tingling in your eyes when yet another shadow takes the form of your ex and feel your chest tighten and you want to die.
"Why? Damn Brian you should hate me! Stop worrying about me, I don't need you"
The man looks away, his jaw clenched and his brow furrowed.
You realize what you've said:
You take a step towards him and try to grab his hand.
"I...I didn't mean...I" And you wonder how it's possible to mess it all up again so easily.
Otis' hand trembles in anger under your fingers.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."
"I will never stop worrying about you okay? I've tried and I just can't! It would have been wonderful to do it, to forget about you in a hospital bed bacause of that son of a bitch but there isn't a single, fucking day that I don't think about it and there isn't a day where I don't wonder what I could have done to stop it. And God, there isn't a day that I don't regret not making you fucking leave him earlier. For months I've spent every fucking second wondering how you were doing. So no, it's not about you. It's me. I, I need to know. Tell me what's wrong with you." He raises his voice but Brian doesn't scare you.
Come on, he's different and the way he looks at you... he's not angry, not really, it's something different and maybe worse: disappointed, desperate, scared even.
Terrified of realizing how his life depends on you.
"I see him everywhere" You confess in a faint voice, looking at the ground.
"I see Marcus everywhere and I'm terrified that I won't be able to figure out when he's really there and I'm scared of him, and I'm with you and he hates you so much and I'm scared he might hurt you. To you and the others and me.... I just want to erase him from my life but he's everywhere no matter what.
I left him he's everywhere and he'll never stop" Brian pulls you to him without thinking about it, as if months haven't passed, as if not a single day has passed. He squeezes you tight, you melt into tears with your face against his chest, sobbing like a baby.
"I'm sorry for how I behaved"
"Shhh it's okay, it's okay I know, I know don't worry I'm not angry. I swear it's okay"
He kisses your hair, kisses your forehead and every piece of skin he can reach and you've never felt as much at home as with him now.
"Marcus isn't here, and even if he was I wouldn't let him get near you, ever" This is exactly what scares you, but you don't say it, you don't have the strength.
"I don't deserve it" He shakes his head. "No, you don't deserve it. But I would do it anyway, even if you were the worst person on earth. And you're not" You smile as he slides his fingers through your hair.
"I think that Brett and Cruz have abandoned us"
"Actually, I'm kinda cold and I've never finished Galactica you know? " You confess.
He laughs, just moves away from you.
"You're so full of surprises" He fixes your hair and dries your tears with his tumb.
"Wanna go home?" He asks."
"No, I...God I don't know. I...I want to be with you. It doesn't matter where." You reply. You don't wanna rush things. The smile he gives you is priceless, you would spend hours looking at him like this, perhaps all the rest of your life if possible. You only care about him, the way he gazes at you and is so close, the warmth of his skin and the sparkle in his eyes.
The realization falls on you like a Boulder. How can you only notice now?
It has always been so clear.
"Oh, seriously?" Laughs Otis "So how about we take a Taxi?" You nod smiling.
"As I said I need to finish Galactica"
