“Like that nightmare where you’re, like, holding a puppy and you keep dropping it” [x]
Phil has never been happier than he is right now. He was sure it had to be impossible for the smile to leave his face. He could practically feel his heart swelling with the love he was feeling at this moment.
He and Dan had just arrived home, Phil holding a Corgi puppy in his arms. The puppy yipped and looked up at the both of them.
And then it happened.
It seemed to happen in slow motion, yet fast enough for Phil to be helpless to the situation.
The puppy began slipping from his hands, falling to the floor, and Phil was powerless to stop it.
“Phil!” Dan exclaimed. “How could you, Phil?!” he shouted. “Phil! Phil!”
Phil shot up in bed, his heart racing, almost unable to catch his breath while tears stung the back of his eyes.
“Phil?” he heard and turned his wide eyes to Dan, who was sat beside him, a hand on his arm and his sleepy eyes apparent.
That’s when Phil realized he was in bed, in their dark bedroom, and it had all been a dream.
“Are you okay?” Dan then asked, clearly concerned.
Phil shook his head, trying to erase the remnants of the dream from his mind. “Just a bad dream.”
“It seemed more like a nightmare.” Dan said. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Phil wasn’t sure if he could utter the words, but he also knew if he could confide in anyone, it was Dan.
“Well, you were there.” Phil began. “And our puppy.”
“Our puppy?” Dan asked, a smile tugging at his lips. “I don’t see how this was a nightmare.”
Phil looked wide-eyed at Dan. “It gets worse.” he said. “We brought our puppy, a Corgi-”
“Of course.” Dan interrupted, fondly rolling his eyes.
“We brought him home and we were so happy, but then...” Phil trailed off.
“Then what?” Dan asked.
“I dropped him.” Phil said sadly.
Dan’s face softened. They joked a lot about Phil being clumsy, but he knew Phil truly did worry about his capability of being a pet owner, or a parent one day.
Dan didn’t say anything and simply wrapped his arms around Phil, letting Phil melt into the embrace. He pressed a kiss to Phil’s forehead before pulling back and looking him in the eyes.
“It was just a dream.” Dan assured him. “I promise nothing like that will happen when we get our real Corgi.”
Phil smiled a little before lying back down and Dan wrapped an arm around him.
“I can’t wait until we get Thor.” Phil said as he closed his eyes.
Dan cringed at the name. “Only in your dreams.” he said before going back to sleep.
Dan comes home from the Stop Speak Support event to a little surprise from Phil and they talk about their day.
Fluff ensues.
Words: 963
Cyber-bullying. Students. The Vamps. The Prince.
It was on the walk home that it all began to sink in.
Dan had just finished hosting and speaking at a Stop Speak Support event at a local school, alongside the Prince of all people. There were moments in his life he’d never understand and this was one of them.
He felt pretty proud of himself, despite his initial insecurities about fumbling over his words or tripping off the stage or being the tallest person there.
But as he walked home, the sun setting against the indigo London sky, he felt pretty good about this day.
When he made his video opening up about his depression just a few months back, he had no idea it would lead to him becoming an ambassador for Young Minds or speaking with the Prince or even helping a single person.
Cyber bullying and the affect it has on mental health has always been important to Dan, so to share his story with so many young people who could be going through something similar just seemed right. And if he was able to help people in the process, then that felt pretty damn good.
He finally made it to the flat and walked inside to see Phil sitting in the lounge, the TV on a low volume and glasses noticeably on his face. Then his eyes drifted to the takeaway bags on the coffee table.
“You’re home.” Phil said with a smile as he stood and pressed a kiss to Dan’s cheek.
“What’s all this?” Dan asked as he gestured toward the bags.
“I ordered your favorite.” Phil told him. “It literally just got here. I’m surprised you didn’t bump into the delivery man.”
“Oh, you didn’t have to order dinner.” Dan said.
“Well, of course I did. We need to celebrate.” Phil said as he wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist. “I already know you did amazing today.”
Dan had this way of responding with his eyes and Phil knew everything Dan was thinking just by the look on his face.
Just like how Phil didn’t need to say how proud he was of Dan; Dan knew just by the grand gesture his boyfriend had made of ordering him food.
“Come on, I want to hear all about it.” Phil said, unwrapping his arms from Dan’s waist, letting his hands give Dan’s sides a squeeze. “Let me just grab the milkshakes.” he said before heading to the kitchen.
“Milkshakesss?” Dan asked as he spun around dramatically.
“It’s a tradition now!” Phil called from the kitchen.
Dan couldn’t keep the fond smile off his face as he sat down on the couch.
They ate and talked; Dan told Phil all about the event, sharing little stories he’d never tell anyone else.
“And Prince William even asked if I was putting any of it on my channel.” Dan said.
“What did you say?” Phil asked.
“What am I supposed to say to that? It’s not like I brought a camera with me!” Dan said. “I guess I have no choice but to make a video about it now.” he said and the two laughed.
“So, do you feel good about how it went today?” Phil asked.
“I do.” Dan told him. “The best thing that came out of all this is the opportunities I’ve gotten to help people; whether its about mental health or just cyber-bullying.”
“That’s good.” Phil said. “Imagine if you had a Youtuber speaking out about this stuff when you were younger. It probably would have helped a lot.”
“Yeah, that’s exactly why I feel like it’s important that I do all this.” Dan began. “So many kids watch our videos and spend all their time on the internet. It’s not good for your mental health anyway, never mind if you get cyber-bullied by random strangers.” he said, shaking his head at his thoughts. “But anyway, how was your day? I wish you could have come with me.”
Phil smiled a little. “You know I would have, but today was the only day the optician could fit me in.”
“How did your appointment go?” Dan asked.
Phil let out a sigh. “I only have one week left with my eyes.” he spoke in the most serious tone.
“Oh my God, I’m sorry to hear that.” Dan played along. “What’s the last thing you want to see before you lose your eyes?” he asked.
Phil simply looked at Dan. They both knew what Phil was thinking and it caused a blush to form on Dan’s cheeks.
“But seriously, what’s going on with your eyes?” Dan then asked.
“They said I don’t have enough tears, so I need to wear my glasses at least once a week.” Phil told him.
“Not complaining.” Dan said as he took a sip of his milkshake.
“I will be. It’s so annoying wearing glasses.” Phil said as he fiddled with them on his face. “Oh! Want to see the back of my eye?” he then asked excitedly as he whipped out his phone to find the picture.
“Excuse me?” Dan asked.
“They took a picture of the back of my eye. Don’t ask me how, I have no idea.” Phil said as he showed Dan the picture.
“Eww.” Dan let out. “I mean, that’s kind of cool, in a weird, artistic way… but also kind of gross.”
“People on Twitter thought it was cool.” Phil said with a shrug.
“You tweeted that??” Dan suddenly asked. “Phil, that is cyber-bullying!”
Phil was usually the touchy one, despite being the little spoon to Dan’s big spoon. But tonight, Phil wants to try being the big spoon for once.
A/N: This is by far the fluffiest thing I’ve ever written.
Words: 1.2k
It was no secret Phil was quite a touchy person. He’d often pat his friends’ backs repeatedly out of excitement or annoyance; he’d hug his family members in anything from quick embraces to long, bear hugs; and he'd always make sure to kiss his mum on the cheek before he'd leave at the end of his visits.
But some touches, were only for Dan.
He did all of the above to Dan, of course. He’d pat his back and give him big hugs and peck kisses to his cheek. But there were some touches that were reserved for Dan.
Not just the obvious, like the slow hands caressing Dan’s body or the lips that found themselves on more places than just Dan's lips. With them, things weren’t always sexual, and that’s how they preferred it a lot of the time. Cuddles were better than kisses, anyway.
It was the soft knuckles brushing against Dan's; something Phil would find himself doing when he felt anxious and needed that physical reminder that Dan was there.
It was the knees touching each other underneath the table when they were in public and couldn't sit as close as they wanted to; something only very close friends would pick up on but never mention.
It was the way he'd let his head fall on Dan's shoulder while they watched TV, feeling at ease by Dan's side.
It was the little shoulder bumps as they scurried around the kitchen making breakfast and the comforting hand on Dan’s thigh when his boyfriend was feeling down and the countless times he’d reach gentle fingers into Dan’s face to remove stray eyelashes.
It was the way he’d hug Dan from behind and initiate tickle fights and boop Dan’s nose with any object he could get his hands on.
So, when it came time to go to sleep and they’d join in each other in bed, Phil would always feel a bit antsy when Dan instinctively wrapped his arms around him. He felt calm and safe in Dan’s warm embrace, but antsy nonetheless.
Dan was a natural. First, he’d drape his arm loosely over Phil, giving his boyfriend a minute to settle into bed. Then he’d scoot a bit closer to Phil so their bodies were touching and squeeze his arm firmly around Phil’s waist. Finally, he’d nuzzle his nose into the back of Phil’s neck, humming contently as they drifted off to sleep.
But, Phil was the touchy one, so when he was proven wrong by Dan being the ultimate big spoon - providing him with the softest and sweetest cuddles - Phil would always feel a tad lost.
Where do his arms go? What does he do with his hands without having Dan to touch? What does he do with his lips without Dan to kiss?
Phil lay there, feeling a bit uncomfortable, despite being extremely comfortable in Dan's arms.
“Can we switch?” Phil suddenly asked.
“Hmm?” Dan questioned sleepily.
“Can I be the big spoon?” Phil asked, trying to sound assertive but it came out a bit sheepish.
“Umm, okay.” Dan said as he rolled over and let Phil wrap an arm around his waist. Dan melted into the touch, as usual.
Phil secured his arm around Dan’s waist and pressed his body against his boyfriend’s, letting his face snuggle into Dan’s shoulder and hooking his leg around Dan’s leg.
He was doing it. He was finally the big spoon.
Since the day they met, Dan had designated himself as the big spoon and Phil was too lovestruck to object. Besides, he did like being in Dan’s embrace and he did make plenty of moves in order to touch Dan. He’d claw at him like the closet furry he was, playfully bite his shoulder because the thought of being a vampire intrigued him, let his head fall in Dan’s lap as they laughed, and he - on more than that one documented occasion - found reasons to tackle Dan to the floor. But later in the night when it came time to go to sleep, Phil somehow always found himself in Dan’s arms.
But tonight, he was happy to finally have Dan in his arms.
“Phil?” Dan suddenly said.
“Hmm?” Phil let out in response, finally ready to fall asleep.
“We need to switch.” Dan told him.
Phil shot his eyes open. “What? Why?” he asked.
“Because your arm is pressing into my hip and your nose is stabbing my shoulder and God knows what your leg is doing.” Dan complained lightheartedly as he maneuvered himself out of Phil’s embrace and sat up a bit to look at him. That’s when he noticed the frown. “What’s wrong?” he then asked.
Phil sighed. “I just wanted to be the big spoon for once.”
“Why? I thought you liked when I cuddled you.” Dan said.
“I do; I definitely do.” Phil reassured him. “But... I like touching you.”
Dan looked at him. “Well, you do.” he said. “The reason I like cuddling you is because I get to feel your whole body against mine. I get to feel your neck against my lips and feel you fall asleep in my arms. Every part of you touches me when I cuddle you.” he said and Phil smiled. “Plus, I’m sorry to say... you just aren’t as good of a cuddler as I am.” he then said, causing Phil’s jaw to drop.
“I did good!” Phil told him. “I did everything you always do!”
“No, you didn’t!” Dan said as he started to laugh.
Phil had it with his boyfriend at this point and did the only thing he knew he was good at.
“Rawr!” Phil let out as he tackled Dan down to the bed, letting his hands claw at his chest and his teeth nibble at Dan’s neck.
“Get off me, rat!” Dan said, though he couldn’t help the giggles that escaped his lips, followed by a fond smile as he looked up at his boyfriend. “God, did I fall down a wormhole into 2009?” he asked.
“Awrf.” Phil said with a nod.
“All right, I’ll go get the cherry lube out.” Dan said as he attempted to get up, but was stopped by his giggling boyfriend.
“Much like our shaggy, emo fringe, that is something that can stay in 2009.” Phil told him.
“Says the guy who still has his emo fringe!” Dan said.
“I’ve trimmed it!” Phil fought and the two laughed, Phil letting his head fall into Dan’s chest like the old days.
He rolled off Dan and curled into his side, allowing Dan to wrap an arm around him and kiss his head.
“I guess you are the better cuddler.” Phil said, giving in to Dan’s incredible cuddles.
“I know I am.” Dan said before rolling them both over and cuddling Phil to sleep.
Phil forgets the word for horse. Based on Phil's tweet.
It had been a long and productive day. They had a lengthy meeting discussing ideas they had for the tour, as well as getting to see the model of their set for the first time. It was all exciting, but exhausting. So now, in the late afternoon, they were both tired and hungry as they picked up some takeaway on their walk home.
Phil held the takeaway bags while Dan walked with his face in his phone, hoping he could trust Phil to be both of their eyes. They were just a couple blocks from their flat when Phil spotted it.
It was big and fluffy, making soft sounds as it walked down the street, guiding some people behind it.
Now, Phil loved animals, but in his sudden excitement could only manage to point wildly and stutter out, "Ah- I- Animal car!"
Dan shot his head up, mostly wondering what his boyfriend was on about, and that's when he saw the horse galloping down the street.
"Did you just call a horse an 'animal car?!'" Dan exclaimed.
Phil burst out laughing while Dan just looked at him with his signature what-the-fuck face.
"I forgot the word for horse!" Phil told him as he laughed.
Dan couldn't help but laugh now, shaking his head at his weird boyfriend. "You're a stranger person, Phil Lester."
Dan notices that Phil has changed lately and he hopes Phil isn’t going through something similar to what he’s gone through.
Trigger warning: mentions of depression
Words: 1.5k
No one could have seen it coming; not even Dan. But as he lay awake in the middle of the night, thinking back on the past few weeks, all the signs were there.
It was the way Phil didn’t upload many main channel videos. Phil was a lot better than Dan when it came to uploading main channel videos, so he was surprised when he was having more ideas and more of an urge to upload than Phil seemed to.
It was the way Phil stopped doing liveshows. He’d say he was busy or had a headache or sometimes gave no explanation, though he’d always make sure a gaming video was scheduled to upload instead.
It was the way Phil started to not care about putting his contacts in anymore. He’d lie and say it was because he was having eye problems; that his contacts weren’t working, but Dan, of all people, could see past it.
It was the way Phil seemed to laugh a little too loudly at times. Sometimes, something wouldn’t even be that funny, but Phil would laugh, almost as if he was trying too hard to find some humor. Dan realized now how mechanical it was.
It was the way Phil had been overly-touchy, talking in silly voices and making the most random jokes. Phil tended to cling to Dan’s side nowadays, on and off camera. He’d come up with the most off-the-wall jokes, almost as if his mind was in many places at once. But the biggest indicator was when Phil would change the pitch of his voice, randomly, for no reason as he made these jokes. Dan knew that was a tell-tale sign.
But what concerned Dan most of all? The way Phil had started wearing black.
Dan remembered a remark he’d made once about how if he ever started feeling happier, maybe he’d start bringing more color to his wardrobe. And he made good on this, wearing things like pastel pink jumpers and a blue, denim, bedazzled hat once in a while. Dan wondered if that could be happening to Phil, but in reverse.
He now found Phil wearing black jumpers on top of his already-black skinny jeans. He preferred his new, black sneakers and Dan noticed Phil’s attraction to mostly black t-shirts. At first, Dan liked how monochrome and matching they both were. But now, when Dan actually found himself wearing more color than Phil - who was usually bright, bold and popping with color - he was starting to worry.
It all reminded Dan a little too much of his old self and it scared him. Was Phil sad? Was Phil having a crisis? Was Phil depressed?
He shuddered at the thought. Phil was his rock. Phil was this happy-go-lucky ray of sunshine; in his life and everyone else’s. Phil had always been someone who was positive, laughing joyfully and smiling widely. He couldn’t even fathom the thought of Phil being anything but happy… but what if he wasn’t?
Dan needed answers and he decided he needed them now. At 3am. When Phil was peacefully asleep beside him. Although he wondered how peaceful Phil’s mind really was.
“Phil?” Dan let out, gently shaking his boyfriend out of sleep.
“Hmm?” Phil hummed, slight annoyance in his voice.
“Phil, can I talk to you for a minute?” Dan asked.
“What time is it?” Phil murmured against his pillow, not bothering to open his eyes.
“3am.” Dan told him.
“What’s wrong?” Phil asked, keeping his eyes closed.
“Phil, I really need you to wake up for a second. It’s important.” Dan said.
Phil finally opened his eyes, concern obvious on his face as he sat up a bit. “Are you okay?” he asked.
Dan smiled sadly. Despite whatever Phil might have been going through, he was still concerned about Dan. “I’m fine.” he told him. “But… are you?”
“Well, you woke me at 3am, so I’d say no.” Phil spoke sarcastically, though a smile tugged at his lips. Dan could tell just by the look in his eyes that the whole joke was forced.
“No, really, Phil.” Dan said, shaking his head slightly. “Are you okay?”
“What do you mean?” Phil asked.
“It’s just,” Dan began, unsure of how to bring it up as he played nervously with the duvet in his hands. “I’ve noticed you’ve been acting a little different lately, is all.”
“How so?” Phil wondered curiously, though he never had a very good poker face.
“Well, you haven’t made many main channel videos or done liveshows in a while.” Dan said.
“Yeah, so? I’m just having a little downtime.” Phil told him.
“You’ve also been so silly lately; making weird jokes and laughing a lot.” Dan said.
“So, now I’m not allowed to joke around and laugh?” Phil asked, his words coming off a bit more defensively than they were meant to. “I turn 31 and suddenly I’m not allowed to act silly anymore?”
“No, it’s just that…” Dan trailed off. “You just don’t seem like yourself.”
“God, why are you giving me the third degree? You actually woke me up for this?” Phil asked, a bit of anger in his voice as he whipped the duvet off of him out of aggression.
Dan was taken aback by Phil’s outburst, but he, more than anyone, understood lashing out at the person you care about. He was ashamed of the way he’d treated Phil at times when he was battling his mental health, but he also knew that he - like Phil right now - had no control over it.
“Yes, I woke you up for this, because I know it’s more than just having downtime and acting silly.” Dan spoke assertively. “I’ve noticed the way you’ve stopped caring about videos. I’ve noticed the way you’re not laughing the way you used to. I’ve noticed all you’ve been wearing is black!” he said, trying to maintain the emotion in his voice. “I’ve noticed because I’ve been there. You and I both know what these things mean. So, I’m not going to apologize for being up all night worried about you and waking you up at 3am because I need to know if you’re okay.”
Phil looked at him, trying to fight the tears in his eyes that he didn’t understand the reason for.
“Phil, what’s going on?” Dan asked, a bit softer this time.
Phil lowered his head, letting out a sniffle. “I’m not really sure.” he admitted. “I mean, my life is amazing, right? That’s my branding.” he said with a shrug. “I’ve got a really good career, I’m secure financially, we’re about to go travel the world together again… I’ve got so much support; from my family and friends and subscribers. And I’ve got the best boyfriend in the world.” he continued before closing his eyes in order to keep the tears from falling. “So why do I still feel like this?” he asked in a whisper.
“Feel like what?” Dan asked.
“Sad, I guess?” Phil said. “Not caring anymore; not enjoying things.”
“How long have you been feeling this way?” Dan asked as he looked at him. He could see the guilt written all over Phil’s face.
“A few months.” Phil admitted.
Dan’s heart sunk. He’d been suspecting this for a couple of weeks, but to know it had been going on for months.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Dan asked quietly.
“I didn’t want to bother you with it, especially when you still have your bad days.” Phil told him. “We can’t both feel this way. I need to take care of you when you’re feeling bad.” he said. “If we’re both depressed, we’ll just… break.”
Dan continued to look at Phil. He looked so lost and confused, much like how Dan was a few years back.
“Phil, I never want you to hide what you’re feeling for my sake. After all, I never really hid it from you.” Dan said. “Whatever you’re going through, I know you can get through it. Think about how low I was just a few years ago, and look at me now.” he said. “I want to help you, Phil. I don’t care if I still have bad days, I want to be there for you the way you’re always there for me. We can figure this out together, but only if you’ll let me in.”
Phil nodded. “Okay.” he said while Dan pulled him into a hug.
So, although Dan got his answer, there were still a million questions lingering above them as they went to sleep. Why was Phil feeling this way? What did they need to do to make Phil feel better? Should Phil give therapy a try? Was Phil actually depressed?
All these were questions for another day, because right now, they felt safe in each other’s embrace. Phil could sleep peacefully knowing his secret was out and Dan could finally sleep knowing that if he could get past his mental health issues, then so could Phil.
Dan and Phil are beginning the celebration of Phil’s birthday by seeing Hamilton and Dan hopes everything goes smoothly so he can give Phil his real birthday present.
Words: 1.5k
Everything must go smoothly.
They’ve been waiting for this day for a year now.
Dan knew how awkward and harrowing situations seemed to follow them wherever they went. But tonight? Tonight had to be perfect.
No booking taxis in the wrong timezone; no misplacing the tickets; no crazy drivers; no getting mobbed by subscribers who might notice them; no awkward moments in the theater; no people tripping over their long giraffe legs as they pass by their seats; no anything that could possibly ruin this night.
Everything must go smoothly.
This was more than just a play. This was more than just a night out. This was more than just a date.
This was the night they’d been looking forward to for a year. This was Phil’s birthday. This was Hamilton.
This is where Dan was going to give Phil the birthday present he deserved. The birthday present he’d been wanting. The birthday present he’d been waiting for.
Dan felt a bubbling in his chest as the realization hit him. He was finally seeing Hamilton, with Phil, and finally giving Phil something he’s wanted for years; something they’ve both wanted for years. He was excited and it wasn’t even his birthday. He hoped Phil was just as excited for tonight as he was.
What was he going to wear? What was Phil wearing? He hoped they wouldn’t clash. But he also wanted them both to be comfy, as they had to sit in the theater for hours. Black jeans and a jumper? Maybe that new black jacket he’d just gotten? That would do.
He got dressed and grabbed the tickets out of his drawer, where they had been for the last year. He then grabbed his present for Phil and slipped it into his pocket before leaving the bedroom to find Phil waiting for him in the lounge.
“Ready to go? The car just pulled up.” Phil told him as he stood from the couch, wearing his signature black, skinny jeans and his green fox jumper. It was so Phil and Dan couldn’t help but smile, ignoring the fact they were definitely going to clash.
“Yup.” Dan said, still smiling. “I can’t believe we’re finally seeing Hamilton.”
“I know. If I’m excited, I can’t imagine how excited you must be.” Phil said as they walked to the door, turning the lights off on their way out.
Dan giggled. “I am, but this is your birthday present, remember. I want you to have the best time.” he told him, letting his eyes linger on his boyfriend in true “Heart Eyes Howell” fashion.
“You sure you have everything? Tickets, wallet, keys?“ Phil asked.
“Yes, Phil, I have everything.” Dan spoke assuredly, but still patted his pockets to double check.
They hopped in the taxi and Dan was pleasantly surprised by their timely and seemingly antisocial driver. They arrived at the theater and Dan let out a breath. One thing down, now they just had to make it inside and to their seats and they were most likely home free. But he also knew that for Dan and Phil, that might not be an easy thing.
They got out of the taxi and stood by the theater. They watched as people made their way inside, the pavement they stood on being illuminated by the the glowing marquee that read Hamilton.
“We’re here.” Phil whispered excitedly, nudging Dan repeatedly.
Dan just smiled at him, hoping everything would go smoothly from here.
They headed inside and Phil gave their tickets. Dan internally cheered when they made it past security in a breeze and they both managed to not say or do anything awkward. Another thing down.
But there was still potential for disaster. This theater was buzzing with people. The last thing Dan wanted was to get recognized or get talked to or do anything awkward. It wasn’t an irrational fear as neither of them had a very good track record.
“All right, our seats are up on the mezzanine. Let’s find them and then I’ll come back down for drinks.” Phil said as he brushed his hand against Dan’s ever-so-lightly, unnoticeably. Dan was grateful for their psychic connection. Or maybe the fear was just written on his face. Either way, Phil knew and Dan needed to suck it up so he didn’t ruin their night.
They made it halfway across the theater before they heard it.
“Dan and Phil!” a voice called through the crowd behind them.
They both stopped and turned to see a young girl hurrying toward them. At least, Dan hoped it was just the one.
“Hi, umm, I don’t want to bother you guys, but could I get a picture with you?” the girl asked a bit sheepishly, clearly trying to maintain who excitement.
“Of course!” Phil told her happily and the three of them posed and her parents took the picture.
“Thank you! And happy birthday, Phil!” the girl said before walking off.
Dan and Phil both said bye before Dan let out a sigh.
“I hope that’s the only person who recognizes us.” Dan said.
“I’m sure it will be. Don’t worry about it. Let’s go find our seats.” Phil said with a small smile before leading the way.
They found the stairway that would lead them to the mezzanine. They made it up almost two flights when Dan decided to lightheartedly complain.
“I came here… to have a good time… but instead…” Dan let out, dramatically panting in the process. “I’m being forced to exercise!”
“Only one more flight, Dan! You can do it!” Phil said with a laugh.
They finally made it to the mezzanine and Dan truly did feel out of breath by the time they found their section. He was happy to see their row was still mostly empty; no one to scoot past and hopefully whoever needed to scoot past them would be normal and quiet and not clumsy.
“These are good seats, Dan.” Phil said as he looked down at the stage.
“I tried.” Dan told him with a shrug.
“Okay, I’m going to go get us some drinks.” Phil said as he stood up again.
“Are you sure your poor sense of orienteering will get you back?” Dan asked with a smirk.
“No, I’ll probably get lost and end up in the basement.” Phil said. “Or backstage! Maybe I’ll meet Hamilton himself!”
Dan would have face-palmed had they not been in public as he let out a laugh. It was one of those laughs that was reserved for Phil’s unexpected, funny wit.
As soon as Phil was out of view, Dan took a deep breath and let it out slow. The time was now. Once Phil got back with their drinks, he was going to do it. He slowly slid his hand into his pocket, letting his fingers brush along his present.
Phil arrived back with their drinks and sat down. “The queue was really long. I ran into another subscriber and then a strange man asked me if I like lemons and-”
“Phil,” Dan cut him off.
Phil looked at Dan, a hint of nervousness apparent on his boyfriend’s face.
“Yeah?” Phil asked. He watched as Dan reached into his pocket and pulled something out.
“Happy birthday.” Dan said as he handed it to Phil.
In Phil’s hand was a folded piece of paper. Phil opened it and read what Dan had written.
IOU
1 forever home
1 corgi
the rest of our lives
- Dan
“I wish I could have gotten you these things for your birthday, but obviously we can’t get them until after the tour.” Dan explained while Phil continued looking down at the paper. “So, hopefully an IOU will do for now.”
Phil finally looked up at Dan. He seemed to be lost for words, or maybe he just couldn’t say the words he wanted to say in public. But he didn’t need to. The look of utter joy, anticipation and love in his eyes said more than his words ever could.
It was then the lights began to dim. The theater went dark, spotlights lighting up the stage. Somehow in the darkness, Phil’s hand found Dan’s. Dan didn’t flinch and instead grabbed hold of Phil’s hand, feeling safe in the darkness, knowing everyone’s eyes would be on the stage.
As the play began, Phil couldn’t tear his thoughts away from Dan’s present. He’d have to ask Dan later about how the play began, as all he could think about was that list of things Dan planned on getting them in the near future.
Sure, he was excited for the tour. To travel the world with his best friend and boyfriend; putting on another stage show, meeting loads of subscribers and having the chance to make people laugh in real life? Of course he was excited, but he was even more excited for what comes next.
He managed to put it all at the back of his mind for tonight, wanting to enjoy this much-anticipated play with Dan. There was plenty of time to think about their future later.
One thing he was glad wasn’t on the IOU though was a ring, because come June, that would be Dan’s birthday IOU.
“Taking basic self-care very seriously, which sounds really stupid and obvious, but if you don’t, there’s no point in even trying... Having a shower, staying hydrated, trying to eat well and getting a good sleep every day.”
Or in which Phil takes care of Dan and reflects a bit on his responsibility to do so.
Trigger warning: slight mentions of depression
Words: 1.9k
Here we go again, Phil thought as he left the bedroom, leaving Dan lying in bed with the curtains closed and lights off. He wasn't belittling it or making fun of it in any way, he really wasn't. He understood more than anyone what days like these were really like. Sure, Dan had to live it, but Phil had to experience it right by his side.
Well, I don't have to, Phil thought. He thought about this sometimes; what it must be like for other couples when one of them isn’t well. How does the other person cope? Are they there for that person? Do they just up and leave when that person is having a day like this? Do they get mad at that person? Phil couldn't imagine such a thing. Sure, he doesn't have to do the things he did on days like these, but isn't this what love is?
Phil made himself productive all morning, which eventually became noon. He did some laundry, cleaned up the flat and answered some emails. Now, after giving Dan the alone time he knew he wanted, he returned to the bedroom.
“Dan?” he spoke softly. Dan was either about to groan or stay silent. That would indicate what kind of day this really was.
He heard a muffled groan come from under the covers. Good, Phil thought. Not so bad.
He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, placing a gentle hand on some part of his boyfriend that he couldn’t make out beneath the blankets. “Did you want to take a shower?”
Dan groaned again.
“Dan, you’ll feel better if you take a shower.” Phil told him.
“I know.” Dan practically whispered. This was their routine. Phil would want Dan to do something, Dan would object, Phil would ask again, Dan would give in. It was predictable. At least something about this was.
“Come on,” Phil said, sounding a bit too chipper for Dan as he slowly pulled off the covers and led Dan to the shower.
“I just washed the towels. They’ll be nice and warm out of the dryer when you’re finished.” Phil told him before leaving Dan to it. He always peaked back in to make sure Dan was actually showering. Most times, he was.
After showering and drying off with a warm, fluffy towel, Dan was greeted with clean pyjamas laid out on the bed. Gray sweatpants and an over-sized cat t-shirt was his OOTD. He’d ironically Instagram this if it was any other day.
Phil heard the padding of slippered feet make their way into the lounge and eventually plop down on the couch.
"Feeling better?" Phil asked.
“Soap and water won’t just wash away my depression, Phil.” Dan said.
“Nice analogy.” Phil told him. “Maybe food will.”
“Yes, yes it will.” Dan agreed. “Order me Domino’s?” he practically begged.
“I was thinking something a little healthier.” Phil said before he got up and went into the kitchen.
He came back moments later and set down a bowl of sliced fruit, big of enough for the two to share, and a literal vase full of water, just for Dan.
“You’’re kidding, right?” Dan muttered.
“Afraid not, love.” Phil said as he sat back down beside Dan. He grabbed the bowl of fruit and popped a grape into his mouth before handing the bowl to Dan.
Dan looked down at the fruit before looking at the vase of water. “You can't expect me to drink a whole fucking vase full of water.”
“Flowers do it!” Phil said.
“That’s kind of different, Phil.” Dan said.
“I do it, too.” Phil told him.
“That’s because you’re a vase-drinking weirdo!” Dan said as he reluctantly began eating the fruit.
“Just do it. It’s important to stay hydrated, remember?” Phil said, throwing Dan's own words right back at him.
Dan sighed before grabbing the vase and taking a sip of water. Phil had to hold in a chuckle as he watched Dan drink from the vase. Maybe it did look a bit ridiculous.
They got through one episode of anime and half the bowl of fruit before Phil decided to try and quickly edit a gaming video. With a kiss to Dan's head, he headed off, making Dan promise he'd at least finish the rest of that water.
Phil gave Dan credit for a lot of things, but when it came to editing Phil felt he was a master (literally). He was done in 30 minutes and headed back out to the lounge to find Dan lying down on the couch, hiding in a blanket. He also took note of the mere droplets of water left in the vase.
Phil plopped down beside his formless blob of a boyfriend. “How was your lunch?" he asked.
"Healthy." Dan muttered as he snuggled further into his blanket.
“I know you wanted pizza, so how about this: we can order pizza for dinner after we've worked up an appetite." Phil offered.
Dan ripped the blanket from his head. "Worked up?"
"Its time to exercise!" Phil told him, trying his best to sound excited about something he hated doing as much as Dan.
Dan glared at Phil. “You already made me get out of bed and take a shower and eat fucking fruit. There is no way in hell I'm exercising today!"
-
It wasn't long before Dan had found himself stretched out on a mat, now wearing a t-shirt, shorts and a sweatband - because sweaty curls plastered against his forehead was always gross - with Phil on a mat beside him.
“All right, are you ready?” Phil asked.
“Do I have a choice?” Dan asked.
“No.” Phil simply said. “Let’s stretch.” he then said as he led them in random stretches to warm themselves up for the exercise they were about to endure.
Dan did as he was told, not hiding how much he hated it as he groaned dramatically with every move.
“All right, now turn over and stretch your back.” Phil instructed.
As someone who had spent countless hours sprawled in his sofa crease, stretching his back was never an easy thing for Dan to do.
“Oh come on, you can do better than that!” Phil said as he looked at his boyfriend. He sneakily grabbed his phone and hit record, wanting to capture how cute Dan looked despite his struggle to stretch.
"Extend your spine, Dan!" Phil told him.
"Oh f-" Dan began before noticing the phone in Phil's hand. "Don’t tell me you're filming!"
"Don’t you want it documented the first time you ever do exercise?" Phil asked.
“You know damn well this isn’t the first time I’ve exercised!” Dan said.
"Yeah, but you just look so cute." Phil cooed. “You’re a good back-stretcher.”
“For fuck’s sake, can we just get to the exercise?” Dan asked.
“That’s not something I ever thought I’d hear you say.” Phil said before putting down his phone and the two began their exercise.
They got their hearts pumping and the endorphins flowing and an hour later, they both fell down on their mats, sweaty and out of breath but feeling noticeably better than before.
“You did good.” Phil said as he looked over at Dan, a glistening forehead and the beginnings of a smile apparent on his boyfriend’s face.
“It’s not so bad when I get the hang of it.” Dan said before turning to look at Phil. “And when you’re by my side.”
Now, Phil was smiling. “I think we deserve that pizza now.” he said as he rolled off his mat to go order their much-desired and well-deserved dinner.
Their pizzas later arrived and they found themselves back on the couch, enjoying their dinner, watching another episode of anime and Dan a bit closer to Phil’s side than usual, but Phil wasn’t complaining.
They spent their night watching Netflix, munching on popcorn and battling each in other at Mario Kart. Phil was happy to see Dan enjoying these things and even managed to get a few laughs out of his boyfriend.
Finally, around 11pm, they had just finished an episode when Phil turned off the TV.
“Want to head to bed?” Phil asked a tired-eyed Dan who was curled up against his side.
“Phil, it’s only 11:00.” Dan said.
“I know, but if you go to bed now, you’ll be able to get up early tomorrow.” Phil said. “And I promise tomorrow will be a lot better than today.”
Dan sighed softly. He wasn’t about to fight Phil on this, especially when he knew he was right. “Okay.”
Phil gave him a small smile before getting up and offering his hand to Dan. Dan took it and the two headed into their bedroom. They were soon in bed; Dan wrapped in blankets, silently asking for cuddles and Phil happily obliging as he wrapped his arm securely around Dan’s waist.
Dan remained silent as he took Phil’s hand in his. He slowly intertwined their fingers and that said more than any words ever could.
It wasn’t long before Phil could feel Dan’s breathing even out and the bed sink just a little lower and he knew sleep had overcome his boyfriend. That’s when he let out the breath he’d been holding all day.
Today could have been better, but it could have been a lot worse. Some days, Dan fought Phil on things like exercise and going to bed early, and some days Dan was so lost that he gave in to anything Phil asked of him. Phil had realized that this day was somewhere in between and he just felt lucky to have gotten Dan out of bed at all.
Taking care of Dan was a lot of work on days like these. He’d never complain, of course, but he also allowed himself to be selfish for a second. He was proud of himself for getting Dan to do these simple things like taking a shower and eating healthy, which could be ridiculously difficult sometimes. He wondered how other couples in similar situations did it if the person they needed to take care of was just as stubborn and sarcastic as Dan. Or maybe that was just them.
Need, Phil thought. He didn’t need to do anything. He knew Dan never expected anything of him, though he also knew Dan appreciated everything he did for him. He didn't have to take care of Dan, and they both knew that. But of course he did. Of course Phil went out of his way to make sure Dan had clean towels after he finally got him to take a shower. Of course Phil ate fruit for lunch when all he really wanted was marshmallows. Of course Phil took the time to learn a whole workout routine just so he could teach Dan and do it with him. Of course he found himself lying in bed earlier than usual and cuddling his sleeping boyfriend when he was so used to being the one getting cuddled.
And of course he hoped Dan would feel better in the morning, but would without a doubt do it all again tomorrow if he had to. After all, isn’t that what love is?
Dan gets a new hoop earring and is afraid Phil will accidentally rip it out. Based off Dan’s tweet.
Dan stood in front of the mirror. He couldn’t take his eyes off it. It was perfect.
He loved the way it shined, catching any light around him. He loved how it was a slight touch of color, but still went with his aesthetic. He loved the way it hung so perfectly from his ear.
A single gold hoop.
Did he look like Connor or Troye yet? He could only aspire to look as cool and fashionable as those two always did.
As much as Dan loved the look of this hoop, he couldn’t help the insecurities that flooded his mind. Did he really look good with a hoop? Was he cool enough for this? What would the internet think? What would Phil think?
But it wasn’t just Phil’s opinion he was nervous about, it was the entire situation. It was having to wear this hoop around Phil all the time. He loved Phil, he really did, but he didn’t love Phil’s wild, untamed limbs. His biggest fear in all this was how Phil could - accidentally, of course - pull out the hoop and inevitably rip his ear off, leading him to bleed out and kill him in a slow, painful death.
Okay, maybe he was overthinking this, but the fear was still valid in his mind. Phil could somehow find a way to get his hand or his foot or his fringe stuck in this hoop, Dan was sure of it.
Dan took a breath breath, taking one last look in the mirror before heading into the lounge to find Phil, wanting him to be the first to see.
Dan didn’t speak as he sat down on the couch beside Phil, who didn’t bother looking up from his laptop.
“Ahem.” Dan let out, hoping to get his boyfriend’s attention.
Phil looked up and his jaw dropped slightly. He noticed it immediately.
“Oh my God,” Phil let out.
Dan bit his lip. “Do you like it?”
“Like it?” Phil asked. “It looks amazing!” he said as he reached out to touch it, but was suddenly stopped by Dan.
“Whoa, whoa, Mr. Grabby Hands!” Dan let out as he gripped Phil’s wrists. “No touchy.”
“Why can’t I touch it?” Phil asked with a pout.
Dan looked at him. “Well, I guess you can, just... be careful, okay?”
“Of course.” Phil said before gently grabbing the hoop between his fingers, feeling the cold metal against his fingertips. He loved the way it added to Dan’s face. It was now the start of his incredible jawline. It sparkled in every light as it hung perfectly from Dan’s ear. It was simple but cool. There was no denying it, Dan looked outright hot.
Phil found himself playing with the hoop in his fingers. “So, why didn’t you want me to touch it?” he asked, unable to take his eyes off of it.
“I was afraid you’d accidentally pull it out and rip my ear off.” Dan told him.
Phil stared at him. “Dan, that’s not going to happen.” he said. “Not with my hands anyway.” he then said before suddenly pouncing at him. He secured Dan in his arms, making sure his boyfriend was unable to move before he suddenly locked his lips onto Dan’s ear.
Dan shrieked, both at the fear of Phil pulling the hoop out and at the feeling of having Phil’s mouth against his ear. He pushed at Phil, but it was no use. He’d just have to take it.
Phil ignored his boyfriend’s protests and kept the hoop between his teeth, letting his tongue swirl around it.
“Phil, stop!” Dan let out.
“You know you like it.” Phil whispered against Dan’s ear before he began sucking on the hoop.
Dan was cringing on the outside, but Phil was right, he did kind of like it.
“This hoop is so hot.” Phil growled, playing with the hoop with his tongue.
Dan found himself breathless as he gave in, letting Phil enjoy his new hoop the way he wanted.
Phil continued licking and nibbling on the hoop until he suddenly found the hoop between his teeth and no longer attached to Dan’s ear.
“Oh my God!” Phil let out as he held the hoop in his hand.
Dan threw his hand to his ear, feeling just an empty hole. “I knew you’d rip it out!”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to! Are you okay?” Phil asked urgently.
“I’m fine, you spork!” Dan said with a laugh. “I cant believe you bit my earring off.”
“Sorry.” Phil said sheepishly as he handed the hoop back to Dan.
Of all the things Dan thought Phil could use to rip his hoop out, he didn’t think it would be teeth.
“Making someone laugh after they’ve just finished crying, is one of the most painfully beautiful things to ever exist.” [x]
Trigger warning: mentions of depression and vague mentions of the science behind it
Words: 1.3k
Phil secretly loved science. He was fascinated with plasma balls and kinetic sand and DIY slime. He loved knowing that fire was technically alive and how taste buds regenerate every 7 years and being able to list every bone in the body. He enjoyed whacking out this random knowledge in videos or liveshows or when he was lacking in conversation.
But sometimes, Phil hated science. He couldn’t understand why some people’s brains were wired differently. He couldn’t understand why some people lacked necessary chemicals their brains needed to properly function. He didn’t understand how some people weren’t… happy.
Phil loved science, but sometimes, he felt betrayed. It wasn’t fair how some people were fortunate enough to have science on their sides, and some people just fell short.
It made him feel bad. It made him feel mad. Sometimes, he hated the fact that he was gifted with everything his brain needed to be happy, and Dan wasn’t so lucky. He couldn’t grasp the fact that Dan - someone who was so sweet, caring, loving and an all-around wonderful person; someone who at times could laugh so loudly and smile so brightly; someone who could be so funny and creative and incredible - could also be so depressed.
He couldn’t understand the way that particular science worked. How one day Dan could be happy and productive and filling the flat with laughter, and the next day be sad, non-moving and practically silent. How could something Phil loved so much hurt someone he loved so much?
These are the thoughts that ran through Phil’s mind whenever Dan woke up in “the hole,” as Dan liked to call it. Every time Dan would stay in bed, not bother to eat or stay hydrated or even speak. Every time Dan was taken away from him for the day by this thing that neither of them understood but had no choice but to live with.
Another part of science Phil didn’t understand was the concept of crying. He didn’t understand why when someone was upset, their eyes would leak. That’s all it was, after all. He’d googled this question time and again and he’d gotten a scientific explanation, but it wasn’t good enough. He needed to know what in Dan’s brain was causing his eyes to leak. He needed to know why Dan’s brain didn’t have what it needed to remain happy and instead caused tears to flood his pillow or the couch cushion or Phil’s shoulder.
Right now, it was a couch cushion kind of moment as Dan lay there alone with his thoughts while Phil was in the kitchen fixing them something to eat and filling a vase with water as he was sure Dan hadn’t drank anything all day. When Phil returned to the lounge, he saw the noticeable wet trail of tears leading from the cushion, up Dan’s cheeks and to his closed eyes.
“Hey,” Phil let out softly as he set down their food and joined Dan on the couch.
Before he even had a chance to offer a reassuring word or a comforting hand, Dan was already maneuvering himself so he was pressed against Phil’s side with his face hidden in Phil’s shoulder. He didn’t even bother trying to stop the tears that were escaping his eyes and staining Phil’s shirt.
Phil placed a gentle hand on Dan’s knee and let Dan cry. He knew Dan wouldn’t feel like talking, mainly because there wasn’t anything to say. He knew Dan wasn’t crying because he was sad. No, Dan didn’t do that. Dan was crying because he was angry. Dan was just as mad about his lack of chemicals as Phil was sometimes. The only difference was that Dan actually had to live with it, Phil just watched. And sometimes these thoughts crept up on Dan on days like these and left him so angry he’d be in tears, which is what Dan was going through right now. But again, Phil didn’t understand the science.
Dan sniffled before lifting his head. “Sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize.” Phil told him, giving his knee a squeeze.
“I just hate this.” Dan said, those all-too-familiar tears returning to his eyes.
“I know.” Phil said. “I hate it, too.”
At that, Dan let a few tears fall hopelessly down his cheeks.
“Please don’t cry.” Phil said, cupping Dan’s face in his hand. Dan instinctively pressed further into the touch, closing his eyes in attempt to stop the tears.
Phil hated the scene in front of him. It made his own eyes sting with tears, and again, he didn’t understand why.
“Come here,” Phil said as he pulled Dan back to his side, Dan resting his head against Phil’s shoulder once again while Phil ran a hand up and down his arm. “It’s going to be okay; I know it and you know it. Today’s just one of those days where it isn’t.”
Dan sniffled again. “I guess.”
“I know.” Phil countered. “Now turn that frown upside down.” he said, nudging him slightly, but Dan didn’t budge.
“Come on, you can do it,” Phil dragged out the words, hoping his tone would get a smile out of his boyfriend.
But to no avail, Dan’s expression remained the same.
“That’s it, I’m making it my mission to make you laugh.” Phil declared and Dan just sweetly rolled his eyes. “Did you know that fire is technically alive? It breathes and reproduces and creates heat.” he said, hoping Dan would break out into a smile and make fun of him for being so nerdy. But alas, Dan did not. “Or we could talk about the sound barrier. You know, I think you broke it when you screamed in our last gaming video.” he said with a smirk, knowing Dan couldn’t resist calling him out for not understanding the sound barrier. But again, Dan didn’t react. “Or, I could just do this.” he then said, his last resort being to let his tickly fingers wander down Dan’s side.
Dan jerked. “Don’t.” he said weakly, hardly trying to stop him.
“I’m afraid you’ve left me no choice!” Phil said before digging his fingers into Dan’s side.
Dan let himself fall into Phil’s lap, unable to control the giggles that escaped his lips. He tried pushing at Phil’s hands, but he just didn’t have the energy to fight off his boyfriend. And frankly, he appreciated what Phil was doing.
“You know, that’s another part of science I just don’t understand. Why does this,” Phil began before digging his fingers into Dan’s ribs. “Make you laugh so much?” he asked in a teasing tone, despite being genuinely curious.
Now Dan was full-on laughing as he squirmed in Phil’s lap. The sight made Phil’s heart flip.
“Stop!” Dan finally said, and Phil knew enough to do as he was told.
Phil watched as Dan stayed in his lap as he caught his breath, that gorgeous smile taking precedence over the tear stains that had begun to fade on his cheeks. The sight almost made Phil frown.
“I told you I’d make you laugh.” Phil then said.
“I feel like that was cheating.” Dan said as he looked up at him.
“Maybe.” Phil said. “But I still won.”
Dan smiled a little. “No, I won.” he said before lifting his head and pressing a kiss to Phil’s lips.
So, maybe Phil had a love/hate relationship with science. He’d never understand why of all things it was anger that would make Dan cry or how something as simple as touching his ribs would make Dan laugh.
He’d never understand why Dan lacked what he needed to be as happy as everyone else in the world, and he hated it.
And he’d never understand why the sight of Dan’s smile would make his heart flip or the feeling of their lips pressed together would fill him with such utter bliss, but he loved it.
Phil’s point of view during that week in March. (written in third person)
Trigger warning: mentions of sickness, mentions of medication
Words: 1.1k
Phil sat in the lounge, cringing at the faint sound of his boyfriend being sick in the bathroom. This was the second time Dan had to run to the bathroom today.
Three more days. Just three more days until Dan’s prescription was renewed and he was back to his normal self.
A part of him could kill Dan for letting this happen, but the more rational part of him knew that it was an accident and the last thing Dan needed right now was to be blamed for anything.
He just hated seeing his boyfriend go through this. He hated seeing Dan lying on the couch, staring blankly into space. He hated hearing Dan be sick every day. He hated feeling the rustling in their bed all through the night as Dan lay awake, unable to sleep. He hated having to walk on eggshells, never knowing when Dan’s mood would suddenly do a 180.
Naturally, all this resulted in Phil’s protective and nurturing side to kick in and he spent the week taking care of his helpless boyfriend. He’d made it his goal every day to make sure Dan ate something- however small - as well as making sure Dan stayed hydrated and got at least a couple hours of sleep. He was there to help Dan out of bed when he felt shaky and catch him when he inevitably fell over. He was there to offer crackers to settle Dan’s stomach and a caring hand on Dan’s shoulder, just so Dan knew he was there.
He never complained, of course, but it was beginning to take a toll on him. He loved Dan and would do anything to make sure his boyfriend was okay, but Dan’s sleepless nights were now becoming his sleepless nights and he was the one who had to take care of everything work related, including having to now film his new video on his own without his cameraman there for guidance.
The worst part was the timing. This had to happen this week? Aside from having videos to film, this week was booked full with meetings for their upcoming tour and the new board game they were working on. They had to meet and speak with so many people this week and Phil wondered how Dan was going to make it down the stairs never mind make it to town to go to all these meetings.
But again, he wasn’t going to complain, because no matter what he was going through this week, he knew Dan was having it a whole lot worse.
The sound of a flush pulled him from his thoughts and he decided it was time to check on Dan. He headed to the bathroom and found Dan sat on the floor, eyes closed and his head leaning back against the cool wall.
“Dan?” Phil let out, but Dan didn’t respond. “Do you want to go back into the lounge?” he asked, but Dan didn’t respond again and that was okay.
Phil walked over and sat down on the floor beside his boyfriend. Dan immediately rested his head against Phil’s shoulder, keeping his eyes closed.
“How do you feel?” Phil asked softly.
“Like I’m fucking dying.” Dan murmured.
“Could you elaborate?” Phil asked, the hypochondriac in him needing to know every symptom his boyfriend was experiencing.
“My stomach feels like it’s doing somersaults and my head feels like it’s literally spinning.” Dan told him quietly, squeezing his eyes shut a tad harder. “If I open my eyes, I’ll start seeing every single color in existence and then I’ll puke again. It’s a vicious cycle.”
Phil frowned. “Let me go get you something to settle your stomach.” he said, attempting to get up, but he felt trembling hands trying desperately to keep him there.
“No, don’t go.” Dan said, his voice breaking. Phil knew tears weren’t too far behind. “I hate this.” Dan practically whispered, pressing his forehead into Phil’s shoulder now.
Phil placed a hand on Dan’s knee. “You’re okay.” he assured his boyfriend, hoping to stop the tears before they started. “You’re going to be okay. It’s only three more days.”
Dan mumbled something against his shoulder, though he could only make out the words “fucking meetings.”
“I know we’ve got meetings, but please don’t stress about it. If you’re too sick to go, we can always reschedule.” Phil assured him.
Dan mumbled something else and Phil heard the words “world tour.” It was hard to believe at this very moment that next year they’d be embarking on a world tour together. It was hard to believe that this week would be far behind them by then. Right now, everything seemed a little impossible.
“Just take a deep breath.” Phil told him. “Don’t think about any of that. Focus on right now. Focus on trying to feel better right now. You can’t stay on the bathroom floor for the rest of the week, Dan.”
He could feel Dan’s body rise and fall with a breath before Dan finally lifted his head off his shoulder. He looked at Phil, his tired, glossy eyes looking almost cheeky. “Watch me.” he murmured.
Phil looked at his boyfriend. “I’ll take that as you’re feeling better?” he hoped.
“I think I can make it to the lounge.” Dan told him.
“Are you sure?” Phil asked and Dan nodded.
Phil stood up first before offering his hand for Dan to take. Dan took it and was pulled to his feet, but his wobbly knees and dizzy head didn’t agree, causing him to fall into Phil. Phil caught him, of course, and held him as he got his balance.
“I stand corrected.” Dan muttered.
“Stand?” Phil quipped, hoping to get a smile out of the situation.
Phil knew he succeeded when not only a smile, but a giggle escaped his boyfriend’s lips.
“I’m a fucking mess.” Dan said, sighing in acceptance.
“You are.” Phil agreed. “But you’re my mess.”
Dan smiled a little before it quickly faded and he dropped his gaze. “Thanks… for, you know… everything and stuff.”
“You don’t have to thank me, Dan.” Phil told him, though he had to admit, it felt good to hear after this long week.
“Yeah, I do. I know I fucked up your week too. I’ve left the work stuff all on you and I can’t help you film and I made you worry and take care of me and shit.” Dan rambled. “Just… thanks for always catching me when I fall… literally.”
Phil smiled. “Always.” he said with a kiss to Dan’s head before helping his boyfriend back into the lounge.
Dan has a depressive episode that seems to affect Phil more than it does Dan.
Trigger warning: detailed depression, the tolls of helping someone with depression
Words: 1.4k
Phil woke up thinking about the previous night and a smile instantly spread on his face. He and Dan had a night in after a long week of tour planning and video filming. They needed the night to decompress, and what better way to do that than with anime, pizza and cuddles? They spent the night curled up together on the couch, binging a whole season of the anime they currently found themselves addicted to while they ate an entire pizza and drank a little too much wine. It was fun and relaxing and Phil felt notably calmer this morning and he figured Dan would as well.
Phil was used to waking up in the warm embrace of Dan’s arms, but right now, all he could feel was the duvet covering him. He rolled over to see Dan’s back turned to him. He could tell his boyfriend was awake (after 8 years you can just sense these things) and decided to press a kiss to Dan’s bare shoulder.
“Morning,” Phil murmured against his skin.
Dan didn’t respond.
“I know you’re awake. Stop trolling me.” Phil said, shaking his boyfriend slightly, but Dan still didn’t respond. “Dan?”
A million thoughts started running through Phil’s head as he tried to figure out what was going on with Dan. Firstly, he wasn’t dead. He was lying right there beside him, clearly breathing. Could he be hungover? They hadn’t drank that much last night, although Phil knew Dan’s tolerance was significantly lower than his. What other reason did Dan have to not be speaking to him?
“Are you mad at me?” Phil finally asked, that being the only logical explanation to him at the moment.
Phil didn’t know it, but that question had sent tears to Dan’s eyes as he grabbed his phone from the bedside table and began texting.
Two seconds later, Phil’s phone buzzed from his bedside table. He took it and saw a new text from Dan.
“I’m not mad at you” it read.
“Well then what’s going on, Dan?” Phil asked. He watched as Dan began typing away at his phone before his own phone buzzed again.
“I’m sorry” the first text read before another appeared. “I just don’t feel like talking”
“How come?” Phil asked. “Are you okay?”
No, he wasn’t okay. He was far from okay, but he didn’t feel like trying to explain it to Phil, especially when he didn’t fully understand it himself.
Phil’s phone buzzed again.
“It’s just one of those days” the text read.
Now, Phil understood. This was worse than Dan being mad at him. Worse than Dan being hungover. It wasn’t worse than Dan being dead, but sometimes it didn’t feel much different. Today, Dan was depressed.
Even after all these years, countless therapy sessions and a journey with antidepressants - and even though Dan had been doing tremendously better lately - Phil knew that depressive episodes could still happen and sneak up on them when they least expected it. 8 years, yet Phil still couldn’t sense when this would happen.
He hated the unpredictability of it. They could have an incredible day and Dan could go to bed happier than ever, and the next day it could all be gone. No warning and no chance of salvaging the day. Once Dan was down that hole, there was no getting him out.
Even after all these years, Phil still found it hard to comprehend how Dan’s good moods could just vanish. He understood it was all part of depression, but still, it was a hard concept to grasp. Phil wasn’t an angry or aggressive person, but something he hated more than anything was Depression. It was the thing that hurt Dan most; it was the thing that would take Dan away from him without warning; it was the thing that kept Dan from being as happy as he deserved to be.
The worst part was that Dan was, in fact, doing tremendously better lately. Dan seemed to be in such a good place; with who he was, with what he was doing in life, with Phil. Yet Dan still had days like these; days where he wouldn’t get out of bed; where he wouldn’t speak; where he found it impossible to even manage a smile. Days where he was stuck in his own head and no matter how hard Phil tried, there was no getting Dan out. All he could do was watch as what seemed to be the empty shell of his boyfriend wasted away in bed, not eating or drinking or even speaking.
After having such a fun night with Dan, filled with delicious pizza and lots of cuddles and so much laughter, Phil couldn’t believe this was the day they were about to have. Usually, Phil would take a deep breath, accept the situation and do everything he could to make sure Dan at least did the bare minimum he needed to survive the day, then hope that the next day would be better.
But on this particular morning, it was all a bit too much for Phil to handle and he just couldn’t help it when tears filled his eyes and silently stained his cheeks.
Dan immediate turned over, concern on his face before he even saw the tears (because after 8 years you can just sense these things).
Phil hadn’t noticed Dan moved until he felt a gentle hand on his arm.
“Hey,” Dan spoke, barely audible. “What’s wrong?”
Phil sniffled before looking up at Dan. “I just hate this.” he said, his voice breaking. “Anytime this happens, I’m always so helpless. I try so hard to help, but nothing works and I have to just sit back and watch and wait until you’re better.”
Dan lowered his head. Phil had never reacted this way before and he hated seeing what this was doing to his boyfriend. “I’m sorry.”
Phil wiped at his eyes, shaking his head. “You have nothing to be sorry for.” he began. “I’m sorry. Here you are going through this and I’m making it about me.”
“No, don’t apologize.” Dan said. “I can’t help it when this happens, but I never really realized how much it affects you. I hate putting you through this.” he said. “God, the last thing I ever want to do is make you cry.”
Phil sniffled again. His tears had stopped but he could still feel the puffiness in his eyes. “I’m sorry, I’m fine. It’s fine.” he told him.
“No, it’s not fine.” Dan began. “I don’t want you to have to worry about me today. I’ll get myself out of bed and I’ll try to stay hydrated and eat something. Today, I just want you to be okay.”
“No, I need to take care of you. You’re the one going through this.” Phil said as he ripped the duvet off of him and attempted to get out of bed to fetch Dan some water or tea or more pizza if that’s what he needed. However, he was quickly stopped by Dan’s grip on his arm.
“Phil, stay.” Dan said as his face softened. “Thank you for always wanting to take care of me, but I’ll be fine. I promise. Just having you here is enough for me to be okay today.”
Phil stared at Dan, taking in every word he said. Every word he said. “You’re talking.” he realized.
Dan let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. “Like I said, just having you here is enough for me to be okay."
Phil smiled. "I could say the same thing about you.”
Dan couldn’t help but let out a laugh. “That was so cheesy.”
“It’s supposed to be cheesy.” Phil said with a shrug, knowing what PINOF references did to his boyfriend.
They were both surprised when Dan actually managed to smile.
“You don’t make it easy to stay depressed sometimes.” Dan said.
“And you don’t make it easy to stay happy sometimes.” Phil countered and Dan’s face fell a bit. “I guess that’s why we’re so perfect for each other.”
Dan’s smile returned. "You know, I’m not 100% better right now… and I know we just ordered pizza last night…”
“I’m already on it.” Phil told him as he grabbed his phone (because after 8 years you can just sense these things). Plus, pizza sounded pretty good after such an emotional morning.
And with that, the two spent yet another day cuddling, watching anime and eating pizza.
Dan's eyes were already rolling fondly at whatever silly thing Phil had decided to tweet now. He opened Twitter and his jaw dropped when he saw it.
aka The Black Jumper 2.0
Based on Phil’s tweet and selfie.
Dan sat in the lounge; a fluffy blanket wrapped around his shoulders, his laptop propped on his lap and his slippered feet kicked up on the coffee table beside a half-empty glass of water. He was in the editing zone, working hard to perfect his first video of the new year.
As he cringed at another meme someone had submitted for the video, his phone buzzed from beside him. He looked at the phone to see a notification from Twitter.
AmazingPhil just tweeted
Dan's eyes were already rolling fondly at whatever silly thing Phil had decided to tweet now. He opened Twitter and his jaw dropped when he saw it.
"This jumper is so comfy I want to legally marry it" the tweet read, along with a selfie of Phil by what looked to be their bedroom door, his head tilted back and a slight smirk on his face as he showed off the cozy, black jumper he was wearing.
Dan was expressionless as he put his phone and laptop down on the coffee table and unwrapped himself from his blanket.
He sat for just a moment before he jumped up from the couch and darted down the hall to find his cozy and clearly-confident boyfriend.
Dan found him still stood in front of their bedroom, looking down at his phone. Dan gave no warning when he pounced, wrapping his arms around Phil and sending the two of them tumbling down to the floor.
"What the hell are you doing?!" Phil asked from beneath Dan, wriggling in his embrace.
"Legally marry it?" Dan simply asked, annoyance obvious in his voice. "And the head tilt? And the fucking smirk??"
Phil smiled devilishly. "Is someone jealous?"
"No, Phil, I tackled you to the floor out of love." Dan spoke with the utmost sarcasm, though he couldn’t help it when his fingers began to roam the soft material of Phil’s jumper.
"Dan, if I had to choose between marrying this jumper and marrying you, you know what I'd choose." Phil told him and a sheepish smile formed on Dan’s face. "Which is why I'm leaving you to elope with my jumper."
Dan groaned and hopped off his boyfriend with a roll of his eyes before heading back to his editing.
"Wait, we need a witness!" Phil called as Dan walked away. "Want to be my best man? Don't you ship Phumper??"
Phil wants to get a real Christmas tree, but will no car, memories of the rave tree and the lack of a festive Dan stop him?
A/N: I hope this sort of makes up for not getting a festive ditl this year! ^-^
Words: 4.2k
It was that time of year again. A welcome chill was in the air, the whiskering Sharpie had been put away for another year and Phil was finally allowed to do this.
Phil sat in bed, the duvet thrown over his legs and glasses resting on the tip of his nose as he scrolled through the music on his phone. Dan was still fast asleep beside him, wrapped in a cocoon of blankets and in his own little dreamland. Dan always looked so calm when he was asleep and Phil hoped the younger boy’s dreams were as peaceful as he looked.
Phil finally found the song he’d been looking for and hit play. He began turning up the volume, letting that magical, festive melody fill the bedroom.
Dan began to stir, and Phil took that as his cue to begin belting out “All I Want For Christmas Is You” at the top of his lungs.
“Yeah? Did you name her too?” Dan asked sarcastically, but he knew that look on Phil’s face. “You frickin named it, didn’t you?! I swear to God if it’s called Susan I’m leaving you here.”
“It’s not Susan.” Phil told him. “It’s Treesa.” he said. “You know, like Ther-esa, but Tree-sa.”
Based on Dan’s tweet from 12/30/16 and Phil’s tweet from 12/30/17, after seeing them both in a post by @demonphannie!
Phil stood in the middle of the lounge, simply staring at the scene in front of him.
The lights were off and the blinds were closed, just the TV on as a small source of light and quiet background noise. There were snacks scattered all over the coffee table, anything from crisps to popcorn to Haribo, along with a few cocoa-stained mugs.
Phil could barely make out the formless blob that lay beneath a pile of fluffy blankets, but it could only be one person.
“Dan?” Phil finally said.
Dan peeked his head out from under the blanket. “Grrr.” he left out.
“Did you just growl at me?” Phil asked, pretending to be offended, though he couldn’t deny how adorable his boyfriend was being at the moment.
“Hisss,” Dan hissed this time.
“Okay, okay, I won’t bother you.” Phil said. “Can I at least join you on the couch?”
Dan didn’t say anything and simply opened his blanket as an invitation.
Phil hopped on the couch, about to cuddle his boyfriend, when he was suddenly stopped.
“Grrrr!” Dan growled again before throwing the blanket over the two of them, trapping Phil in his cave.
-
It was about 5pm. Dan had finished a bit of tidying and video planning. He felt it’d been a productive day. That is, until he walked into the lounge to see Phil spread out on the couch; lights off, laptop balanced on his chest and snacks surrounding him.
“Phil?” Dan simply said
“Hmm?” was all Phil managed.
“You do realize you’ve been in that same spot on the couch since this morning, right?” Dan asked.
“I’m having a lazy day.” Phil told him. “Besides, I’m mad at you.”
“You’re mad at me? Why?” Dan asked in confusion.
“For not joining me on the couch all day!” Phil told him.
“Well, sorry if someone had to plan out our next month of videos and clean up the flat.” Dan said, rolling his eyes.
Phil ignored him and simply reached his hands out for his boyfriend. “Be lazy with me?”
Dan rolled his eyes, though he was unable to hide his fond smile as he gave in and flopped down on the couch with his lazy boyfriend.
Dan and Phil have a quiet New Years Eve, spending the night cuddling and reflecting back on 2017 while thinking about their hopes for the future.
Words: 1.2k
Chinese food containers sat on the coffee table along with two glasses and an empty champagne bottle, mere droplets still sparkling inside. Beside those were party horns and two phones turned to silent.
The lights were off, just the glow of the fire illuminating the room. The occasional car zooming by could be heard outside and the sweet scent of Phil’s newest candle filled the air.
Dan and Phil lay on the couch, Dan with his head against Phil’s chest while Phil hugged his waist, running his free hand through Dan’s curls.
They could be doing a million things right now; anything from cleaning up their messy flat to editing that gaming video they’d filmed yesterday to preparing for the world tour they were embarking on in just a few months.
But that was all for another time, because right now the flat was quiet and calm, the clock read 11:50pm and all they wanted was to be in each other’s embrace and turn their brains off.
They lay in silence; their usual, comfortable silence and Dan’s body was warm against Phil’s. Dan’s curly locks were soft between Phil’s fingers and all Dan could hear was the soothing sound of Phil’s heartbeat. They were sleepy, but just awake enough to enjoy each other’s embrace and maybe they’d had a little too much champagne.
It’d been a while since they were truly this relaxed. It had been a long, busy and, at times, daunting year, but none of that mattered right now. All that mattered was that they were together, cuddling and about to enter a new year.
Dan turned his sleepy eyes up to Phil. “I was thinking,” he began.
“What happened to turning our brains off for the night?” Phil teased.
“Our?” Dan questioned. “Are you implying you’ve been thinking too?”
Phil sighed. “It’s easier said than done, I suppose.” he said with a kiss to Dan’s head. “What were you thinking?” he then asked softly.
“About us.” Dan said, unable to control the smallest of smiles on his face. “About the year we’ve had.”
“It’s been quite the year.” Phil said. “Remember when we said 2017 was going to be chill? I definitely didn’t think we’d end up making a board game and planning a world tour.”
“We had our chill moments though.” Dan then said. “Like our holidays to Florida and Singapore and-”
“Your trip to the Bahamas.” Phil added, leaving Dan with his jaw hanging open and Phil couldn’t help but giggle.
“There were lots of harrowing airport moments, if I do recall. Don’t forget about how we missed our flight to LA because someone booked us a taxi in a different timezone!” Dan said.
“It wouldn’t have been such a big deal if someone didn’t misplace their passport!” Phil said back.
Dan pursed his lips. “Let’s just accept that we are both rats who should never step foot outside the house.”
“That’s another thing that happened this year. We moved house.” Phil said.
“Finally.” Dan muttered. “More storage, more privacy,”
“Still no dog.” Phil interrupted with a pout.
“Yet.” was all Dan said and Phil smiled.
“You know, something you did this year was make your video about mental health.” Phil said.
“Oh, yeah, that thing.” Dan mumbled.
“You became an ambassador for Young Minds, helped so many people and somehow made me even prouder of you than I already was.” Phil said, giving his boyfriend a loving squeeze.
“Except for the whole forgetting-to-renew-my-prescription-and-being-a-wreck thing during that infamous Week in March.” Dan spoke dramatically. “I’m still sorry about all that.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. It was a lesson learned and I was happy to take care of you that week.” Phil told him.
“As was I, that day you came home from the gym after getting ill.” Dan said. “I could still kill that trainer.”
“I mean, it wasn’t Leon’s fault entirely.” Phil said with a chuckle. “Besides, stop being so negative. Plenty of good things happened this year. Like all the fun videos we made.”
“Fun?” Dan questioned. “You made me dress up like a Japanese school girl, you shoved a banana down my back, you made me wear cheese!” he ranted while Phil laughed, causing Dan to bounce a bit with the laughter bubbling in Phil’s chest.
“And it was funny!” Phil defended himself. “And if I’m not mistaken, you made me wear the cheese first. You wearing it was just the fortunate fate of a Dan vs. Phil.”
“That’s something else we did.” Dan began. “We uploaded a shitload of gaming videos this year.”
“Did you have a fave?” Phil asked curiously.
Dan thought for a moment. “Geoguessr was funny. And all of our Sims videos, obviously.”
“Obviously.” Phil repeated, knowing more than anyone how much Dan loved their virtual son and the family they’d made for him. “I liked the golf.” he then said. “And Fireboy and Watergirl.”
“You left a lot of lady doors shooketh with your fucking innuendos this year, that’s for sure.” Dan said while Phil giggled.
“I think we left everyone shooketh by how open we’ve been this year.” Phil then said.
“Yeah, do we just give no fucks anymore, or…?” Dan asked.
“I don’t think we do.” Phil said. “I like it.”
“So do I.” Dan said with a smile. “It’ll make it a lot easier to explain when we move into our forever home next year and get that Shibe.” And get married and have kids and grow old together and be two, old men still drawing cat whiskers on each other’s faces…
“You mean Corgi.” Phil suddenly said.
“Shibe.” Dan said back.
“Corgi!” Phil fought.
“Shibe!” Dan let out.
“Shiba Corgu!” Phil said and Dan laughed.
“If you can find a Shiba Corgu, then it’s a deal.” Dan told him.
“Challenge accepted.” Phil spoke assuredly. He mentally added Shiba Corgu to his list of 2018 necessities, joining things like a forever home and an engagement ring. “But we’ve kind of got the whole world tour thing to get through first.”
“Fine, if we must.” Dan said with a groan.
It was then the two noticed the clock turn from 11:59 to 12:00, indicating the start of the new year.
Dan looked up at Phil. “It’s going to be a long one.”
“It’s going to be exhausting.” Phil said.
“It’s going to be worth it.” Dan told him, unable to tear his eyes away from Phil’s. “Happy New Year.”
“Happy New Year.” Phil said before leaning in, but Dan pulled back a bit.
“Are we really going to do the cliche kiss at midnight?” Dan asked.
Phil glanced back at the clock. “It’s 12:01.”
“That’s better.” Dan smiled before pressing his lips to Phil’s.
When Dan gets mad at Phil close to Christmas, he learns his actions have consequences when he finds out what happens to their relationship after that fateful day.
Or the A Christmas Carol AU no one asked for.
Words: 1.8k
It was a week before Christmas. The tree was holding up as they had been taking turns watering it each day. Their final gaming videos were filmed, the last of the presents had been wrapped and “All I Want For Christmas Is You” was playing through their flat for the billionth time that month.
It was 10am and Dan rolled out of bed. It’d been a late night of filming and editing in attempt to get their Gamingmas videos done and ready to go before they left for their Christmas holiday. He was still tired and a bit grumpy and all he wanted right now was a bowl of cereal for a late breakfast, the latest episode of the anime they were currently obsessed with and a cuddly Phil to watch it with. He knew Phil had been up before him, getting a head start on editing the remaining videos.
Dan rubbed his sleepy eyes as he made his way to the kitchen and that's when he saw it.
He couldn't believe his eyes. He couldn't believe it was happening again. He couldn't believe Phil had done it again.
“Phil!” Dan exclaimed as he stomped his way into the lounge where Phil sat, a laptop in his lap and festive music playing as background noise.
“Yeah?” Phil answered, not looking away from his laptop.
“Oh, sorry to bother you, it’s not like I need to eat breakfast or anything!” Dan spat.
“What are you-” Phil stopped when he finally looked up at Dan, noticing the anger in his eyes and the empty cereal box in his hand. “Oh.”
“Oh? All you have to say is ‘oh?’” Dan asked.
“I'm sorry, I got hungry!” Phil said with a cringe.
It’d become a routine by now. The two of them would always buy their own, separate cereals, yet Phil had decided long ago that it was okay to sneak a handful of Dan’s every once in a while until the box was inevitably empty, leaving Dan with no breakfast. Dan secretly found Phil’s lack of self control endearing, but not today.
“You have your own cereal!” Dan exclaimed. “You always fucking do this to me!”
“I'm sorry.” Phil apologized again. “I’ll go run to the shop and get you some more.”
“No, don't brother! I don't even fucking want it!” Dan let out. “I’m going back to bed.” he muttered before stomping off.
“Okay, Scrooge." Phil snapped, sighing sadly before turning back to his editing.
Dan slammed the bedroom door shut before falling back into bed. He focused on his breathing, trying to calm down and not be so angry at his boyfriend. Deep down, he knew he was being silly, but his anger was stronger than his rationale at the moment and all he wanted to do was start the morning over. Or better yet, go back to simpler times when their relationship was new and fresh and they weren’t so predictable. Or, even better, skip to the future when this petty argument was long over and they were celebrating Christmas in their forever home with their Shiba Corgu. He buried his face in his pillow and closed his eyes.
"Dan?" Dan heard and blinked his eyes open.
"Phil?" he let out as he looked at Phil who was stood before him. "What are you doing?"
"I’m here to warn you. I’m here to tell you that you still have a chance." Phil told him. "You will be visited by three spirits."
“What the f-”
"Remember that there is still hope, Dan." Phil told him before gesturing for Dan to follow him out into the hall.
Dan’s face held confusion and slight annoyance as he got out of bed. What kind of bullshit was Phil up to now?
He followed Phil out into the hall. His eyes widened as he look around, remembering the small corridor he was currently stood in.
“I-Is this?” Dan let out.
“I am the Phil of Christmas past.” Phil said as he turned around, long, shaggy fringe hanging over a younger face.
Dan stared at the boy in front of him before looking around the hall. “This is your old flat.” he said. “This is...”
“Where we celebrated our first Christmas as boyfriends?” Phil finished Dan’s sentence as he led them down the hall. “Where we put up the rave tree together for the first time?” he said, gesturing to the flashback that appeared in front of them. The year was 2010, Phil and a long-haired Dan were hanging the rave lights on the tree.
Dan couldn't help but smile as he watched his younger self dancing around the room, singing some random song he'd made up about having a rave while Phil watched on, laughing.
“Why are you showing me this?” Dan asked.
“So you never forget our past Christmases, and how they were some of the best Christmases we ever had.” Phil told him.
Dan could feel the beginnings of tears brimming in his eyes. “Ok, I get it, I won't forget. Can I go back to 2017 now?”
“Certainly.” Phil said and with a snap of his fingers, Dan was back in the lounge of their new flat.
It was silent. The tree had begun to whittle and darken, looking like it hadn't been watered in days. There were no gifts beneath the tree and not the slightest sound of “All I Want For Christmas Is You” could be heard.
“Phil?” Dan called.
“Yes?” Phil responded as he appeared beside him.
Phil’s fringe was short with shaved sides and a more chiseled face.
“Hey, uh, what happened to the tree? And where are all the gifts?” Dan asked.
“I’m the Phil of Christmas present.” Phil told him. “The gifts are gone, along with me.”
“What are you talking about?” Dan asked.
“Well, after we got into that fight about your cereal, you were still really mad and I got so sad that I headed up North early.” Phil began. “You, on the other hand,” he said as he gestured toward the formless blob that was wrapped in a blanket on the couch and staring at a laptop.
“I'm in my browsing position.” Dan said.
“You haven’t moved from that spot since I left. You didn't even go to your family's for Christmas, and you definitely didn't join mine like we were planning.” Phil told him.
“I look like hell.” Dan said as he looked on at the version of himself that lay on the couch, messy hair and dark, tired eyes.
“I'm not doing much better up North, trust me.” Phil said.
“Is this really what happens?” Dan asked.
“You don't even know the half of it.” Phil said before snapping his fingers.
Dan was stood alone. It was dark and a shiver ran down his spine, due to both the chill in the air and the realization of where he was.
“W-Where am I?” Dan asked.
“I think you know where you are.” Phil’s voice was heard from beside him.
Dan slowly looked down at the gravestone he was stood in front of and read the name.
Philip Michael Lester
“Wait... you?” Dan questioned.
“I’m Phil of Christmas future.” Phil said.
Dan turned his wide eyes to look at Phil, his face withered and gray, sickly eyes and more translucent than usual. Dan felt his knees buckle at the sight and his breath catch in his throat. He turned back to look at the gravestone in front of him.
“Lester?” Dan let out, confusion and shock apparent in his trembling voice. “I thought you said you wanted to take my last name when we got married.”
“We never got married, Dan.” Phil told him. “After that Christmas in 2017, I never came back home. We broke up and we went our separate ways. We gave up on the gaming channel, cancelled our tour and we never spoke again.”
Dan shook his head. “No, that’s not true. That can’t be what happens.” he let out, but Phil remained silent. “Please! How do I fix this? How do I stop this from happening?” he asked. “This isn’t my future! This isn’t our future! Please! Please!”
“Please!” Dan let out as he shot up in bed. His breathing was rapid and his eyes were damp with tears as he looked around. He was in their bedroom, in their new flat. “Phil!” he called as he hopped out of bed and headed to the lounge. “Phil?” he said again, but there was no sight of his boyfriend anywhere. “No! No, Phil!” he cried. “What have I done?” he asked out loud.
Suddenly, he heard the front door opening and hurried over to see Phil walking inside.
“Phil!” Dan let out in a joyous exclaim as he ran up to his boyfriend and grabbed him in a hug, practically knocking him over.
Phil caught his balance before instinctively hugging back, a bit confused by this sudden embrace.
“Phil, I’m so happy you’re back!” Dan said as he pulled away.
"I only went to the shop. I couldn’t have been gone more than 20 minutes.” Phil told him with a giggle before handing Dan a shopping bag. “I felt really bad about what happened, so I went and got you some more cereal.” he said. “There may even be some apology Haribo in there as well.”
Dan looked from the bag to Phil. “So, we didn’t break up?” he asked.
“What? Where would you get a ridiculous idea like that?” Phil asked.
Dan was quiet for a moment, shaking his head. “Must have just been a bad dream.” he said quietly.
“Sounds like a nightmare.” Phil said.
“Yeah” Dan let out as he looked at his boyfriend. “Phil, I’m so sorry for getting mad earlier. I shouldn’t have, especially now. It’s Christmas.” he said. “After seeing what Christmas without you is like, I don’t want that to ever happen.”
“What are you talking about?” Phil asked.
Dan just smiled. “Nothing.” he said. “Because you’re here and it’s almost Christmas and that’s all that matters.” he said as he grabbed Phil in another hug.
Phil decided not to question his silly and sometimes over-dramatic boyfriend and wrapped his arms around him once again.
Dan’s chin was resting on Phil’s shoulder as they shared the embrace. He noticed out the glass windows on their front door was a ghostly Phil who shot him a wink before disappearing. Dan just smiled and hugged his Phil tighter.
“Are you okay, Dan?” Phil finally asked when the hug didn’t end.
“I’m better than okay.” Dan told him as he pulled away. “But I am starving.” he then said. “Let’s go have some cereal.”
