In the process of loving someone, I've come to understand how there is a long road ahead towards loving myself.
I can’t give you what you deserve, not without due respect to myself, my potential, my ability to come forward and speak about those things that hurt.
I want to be good. I want to actually love. Not love because I want to be loved, to be absorbed into something.
I want to be a healthy presence in someone’s life, a contributor to their goals, purposes, path.
But how can I achieve that without becoming better for myself?
It’s so much easier to direct onto others than it is to claim yourself as an answer.
Loving can be an answer. But what is genuine love if it’s the abandonment of your own heart, if you’re only ever doing things to get some sort of reaction and warmth in return, to fill that void of nothing?
Even if love is a give and take,
How should I ever know what to give and what to take, without knowing what I need and what I have to offer first?
There are more conflicts within me, than there are conflicts in us, or in our love.
What is painful is to realize my own immaturity, to deal with my own frustrations and short comings, to hurt others, to overthink and perpetuate traumas that are ghosts in my mind.
A new love is sort of scary. Kind of like a blank canvas.
It’s sort of like I’m outside my own body, watching everyone else’s efforts, but I still can’t feel or show them how I feel.
I get these thoughts that despite all efforts, they will leave. That even if they say they love me, they might not.
I get trapped onto the feeling of being sucessful, having a job, stability, providing for someone as they equally provide for me. In practice, I fail to do that. Will I still be worthy of love?