Hi

I’m Emily I’m 21 and I’m a heckin mess

[stimman4000]

happy pride month kings

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

he was fucking just eating cookie dough alone on the dance floor I can’t handle this

[cephalos]

I need you all to understand that HONY censored it because originally he bought a bag of coke and was snorting coke dhdjdjhdjd

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

IM GONNA YELL

[shitpostempire]

[pochacco]

[sailorflorana]

I’m crying this is so good, quality content right here

[memeuplift]

[silverhawk]

sometimes i forget that there are wild hamsters

like

they…..they are wild. no hamster wheels. no water bottle to drink from. no cages. they are free.

[gluten-free-pussy]

No gods. No masters

[catsbeaversandducks]

“Bran our Ravens idea of having fun this morning, he holds on just enough to keep hold without hurting me.”

Video/caption by Lloyd & Rose Buck Bird Specialists & Handlers

[maramahan]

Please turn on audio it’s adorable

[whenvesselruled]

My uncle once won first place in a lying contest, and I feel like this is a rare true story that needs to be told. So here it is.

My family, for as long as I can remember, has had these “adopted uncles” who are my mom and dad’s friends from college/highschool. There’s like five of them, and none of them are related to us. They are awesome, fun guys, and I’m best friends with their daughters (of the ones that have kids). I love hanging out with them, and when I do, I hear lots of hilarious stories that they and my Dad love to recollect whenever they’re together.

My uncles are interesting guys, and there are a lot of interesting stories. One of them is part of Switchfoot, one of them hung out with Taylor Swift on several occasions, and one worked on the Power Rangers. It’s all very interesting. But I think one of the funniest stories they’ve told me, far from meeting celebrities, or getting lost in the woods, or luring bears into their campsite (yep, they did that) is how one of them (let’s call him S) won a lying contest. This is how it went:

S and my dad, and some of his friends decided to go up into the mountains for a day. They drove up the winding roads, pine trees flashing past their windows, singing to Tom Petty the whole way. My dad and S have a great sense of humor, and I’m sure they were both in a laughable mood.

When they got to their destination, they saw a large banner over the road that read “Annual Lying Contest.” I kid you not. This little town in the piney mountains was so devoid of excitement that they legiterally hosted a Lying Contest every year.

My dad and S thought this was the FUNNIEST thing they had ever seen. They HAD to go watch the contest take place. They pulled into the parking lot, found their way to the stage, and asked someone about what was happening.

Apparently, the lying contest is an annual contest put on by the city, to see who had the most believable lie. Contestants would spend months coming up with elaborate lies, that were sure to convince people in the crowd. At the end, the judges would rank the lies on most convincing to least convincing. The winner of the contest recieved a home baked pie, and some other prize. Some of these lies could take fifteen minutes or more (remember this).

So anyways, S and my dad found a seat, and were ready to hear some lies. Later, my dad told me that it was hilarious to watch. There were lies about Bigfoot sightings, about bear wrestlings, army experiences, ghost hauntings, and more. My dad and S were cracking up the whole time, while marveling at how unique the demographic of the town was to enjoy something like this.

Finally, the last contestant stepped down from the stage after a 20 minute elaborate lie about an alien abduction. The judges took a sweeping look over the crowd, and spoke loudly into the microphone; “are there any other contestants?”

Before my dad could stop him, S stood up and raised his hand.

“Well, come up sir!” 

S climbed the steps to the stage. He looked over the crowd seriously, and desperately tried to come up with a lie in time. His mind was blank. Empty. But S had no shame, and I’ve known him long enough to know this was 100% something he would do. The man throws himself into every awkward situation ever.

He took a step towards the microphone. His hands were clasped in front of him. He looked around at the people watching, the trees surrounding them, and said in his most serious voice into the mic;

“I was born a fish.”

That was it. The audience lost it. There was no build up, no elaborate detail, no story behind the lie. Just 1 ½ seconds, and he had told his entire lie. It was hilariously short, and there was no plot holes, or inconsistencies. Just purely, seriously, “I was born a fish.”

S left the stage in the midst of roaring laughter, as the audience, judges, and my dad tried to contain themselves. It was one of his proudest moments, that one second lie.

And guess what? He won first place.

First. Place.

A true inspiration, imo.

[watermelonsadwitch]

This is very inspirational.

[demareth]

Im crying

[lesbianshepard]

what is it about a retail uniform that makes boomers lose all empathy or critical thinking

[lesbianshepard]

i was grabbing something to eat at whole foods and one woman started shouting “excuse me?! excuse me?!” and I ignored her cause I don’t know her. She then came up to me and grabbed my arm and went “I was calling you! Can you help me find something?” and I was like….I don’t work here? And she rolled her eyes and went “Well can you find me someone who DOES?” and when I said “No, sorry” she got all huffy. like…..bitch I don’t work here and I’m not on the clock. I need to eat.

[bisexualgambit]

You know….. sometimes mom humor? It slaps hdjdbxkhfkfjfodjkx

[liquidstar]

it’s really frustrating how you have to wait like, 2 weeks before you can drink milk after you buy it. i know you gotta wait for the date on the bottle but like why cant the store just sell the milk thats ready?

[liquidstar]

[bigcatslions]

Hercules - is a rescued Lion that lives at the Wild Animal Sanctuary in Colorado, and like other lions there, he sometimes dreams of roaring while he is sleeping

[obeekris]

He sounds like a pull cord lawn mower that won’t start up

[silvysartfulness]

This is very important.

[ampervadasz]

[myothertardisisonthemun]

I sent a letter today - something I haven’t done for years

It’s full of plastic bread clips

It’s for Science

[myothertardisisonthemun]

At the risk of loosing some mystery, I think I should add some context:

There’s this website-I mean, scientific organization called the Holotypic Occlupanid Reasurch Group.

They are a group of abiologists who study and classify Bread clips.

I found a species that has not yet been described:

Yay for citizen science 👍

[numberlover1729]

wtf?

[myothertardisisonthemun]

Update:

[meckamecha]

Apparently HORG is widely appreciated by pediatricians since knowing exactly what kind of Occlupanid a child may have swallowed makes removing it safely much easier

[gallusrostromegalus]

HOLY SHIT HORG IS BACK ON MY DASH!!! Also I’m so glad that they help pediatricians, that’s very nice.

[notreewaits-deactivated20200806]

Toddlers are so pure. She doesn’t understand that we help her with certain things because she’s little. She thinks that everyone just helps each other like that. So she tries to blow on my food and cut it up for me and tries to help me put on my shoes.

[pussysoupforthesoul-deactivated]

i was giving little wagon rides to a baby around the backyard one day and all of a sudden she hops off and slaps the seat of the wagon telling me to get on because it was my turn and i was like no it’s ok im too heavy and she was like NO ITS UR TURN and kept tugging on my hand so i would sit down. eventually i got on and it was just a little 2 year old trying so hard to push me around on a wagon not understanding why it wouldn’t budge but still so determined to let me have my turn lol

[llywela13]

I don’t think I’d realised how many casual compliments we pay to our toddler until she started casually complimenting us back, because experience has taught her that’s How Social Interaction Is Done, and there’s nothing quite like a very earnest three-year-old solemnly and sincerely informing you that you look wonderful and smell nice to make you feel really good about yourself

I tell her she’s my best girl. She tells me I’m her best auntie. Then we both feel good about the world!

[ladyofatraditionalkind]

Teach them kindness.

[just-shower-thoughts]

Maybe four leaf clovers are so rare because for generations people have been picking them. Making their already dwindling numbers even smaller.

[tiktoks-we-like]