[pingsthoughts]

this is just my vents blog, /pos, /neg, and /neu vents, just personal stuff im not comfortable sharing on main, im fine with anything being reblogged as long as everyone is respectful etc.

you can call me Ping and i use it/he

my tags are:

#neg vent

#pos vent

#neu vent

#other

[pingsthoughts]

we wanna look at people but we feel like we arent allowed to. it always makes them nervous but we dont know how to do it any other way

[pingsthoughts]

im not a system but it feels weird to consider myself as like. jsut one guy. im not two or more guys but im also not just one guy. blob of guy that has exceeded the set perimeters for one guy

[pingsthoughts]

headmate voice. this guy doesnt even knowww

[pingsthoughts]

WE???? QUESTION MARK???? WE ????????

[pingsthoughts]

headmate voice. lol. lmao even. this guy doesnt even knowww

[pingsthoughts]

being a teenager sucks ass. youre having these earth shattering realizations every fuckin five minutes and then you have a biology review due tomorrow. fuck off and die

[pingsthoughts]

wish i could talk about calories normalstyle without all the diet culture connotations getting the way. something being called low calorie should be saying its basically the nothingburger of energy but could have nutrient stuff. thats Substance thats The Ooze the fuckin Mist. man

[pingsthoughts]

SWAGEVER. SWAGEVER. WE BALL.

[pingsthoughts]

my cycle #mycycle

[pingsthoughts]

the endless cycle of i will never die -> i need to kms Stat -> i will never die -> i need to kms Stat -> i will never die -> i need to kms Stat. should probably get that checked out

[pingsthoughts]

the know the family relationship is bad when youve given up on caring about how you treat them. like yeah i know its not Really their fault and it would only make things worse to actually try to hurt them, but have you considered I Hate Them

[pingsthoughts]

never ever getting over my ex partner i think hashtag i made part of you part of me and that shit is Not coming out. Ever

[pingsthoughts]

tfw someone scares you and then you get mad at them for scaring you, not even the action in the first place

[persistence-and-adaption]

I never hear about anyone talking about how mild chronic pain creeps up on you.

When I was young and it hurt, it's dismissed as growing pain. So much I stop bringing it up. And eventually it goes away, so maybe they're right?

But it keeps coming back. Coming and going, slowly building pain tolerance as I refused to use pain meds unless I couldn't hide it.

And the "normal" pains were mixed in. Cramps and side stitches from running, soreness from exercise, period cramps and ect... Of course period cramps were not normal, and I knew that, but they still seemed normal enough at the time. Complaining got me nowhere with it regardless. I was always told to wait and see if it went away, medication wasn't even suggested. I had to get it OTC myself, and restock it when we ran out. Although I hardly touched it because I was more concerned about the side effects than a level 5 pain at the time.

And so on it went. I can't even tell you when I was able to tell the abnormal pain apart from the rest. Or when it grew more common, louder than the rest. Perhaps after I moved out?

It's so funny, without even realizing it I've built my pain tolerance to the amount that I don't always even recognize when it's a general blegh feeling day or pain unless I take a pain med on a whim and it goes away. A sudden, "huh... I didn't think that would work."

Back pain, knee pain, joint pain, what kind of sick song is this? Like some pokemon collection I never wanted.

An ache here, a pain there. Ignored, not even treated, just pushed through and dismissed.

Until slowly, eventually, it gets to a point it's always there, like background noise, more days than not. Relief when my back gets a break from it despite my knees being in more pain instead. Appreciating when each body part individually aches less than the others. Like some twisted +2 mood buff I'm not complaining about.

But then, how bad is my pain, really? compared to someone with none. Would they be able to move? Would they... Be able to sleep? Would stretching and moving about provide any relief to them at all? Or sitting down? I wonder how me from 10 years ago would feel with the body I have now.

It's all so strange. how the body adapts, even to the abnormal, to its own pain responses. I remember a doctor asking me to rate my pain on a scale of 1 to 10, and I was surprised. My default answer was 0, but when I stopped and thought about it, at the time it was a 2. She asked me how I managed it, and I chuckled and said I forgot it was there.

Right now? I can't forget it. It's little pop rocks under my skin around my joints going off, like the candy except less pleasant. You don't realize just how varied pain can be until you feel it every day. or, I didn't. I hope you never do realize.

I've broken 2 bones. I've shattered my nose, and I've broken my finger. My finger didn't even need Tylenol. My nose didn't need anything until after the surgery to fix it.

But I know what pain is concerning and what pain isn't because I live with it all the time. And the bone breaks sent me into shock both times, so I think that's my tell for 'hey that broke something'....

I don't think someone with chronic pain should ever be dismissed when they go to a doctor concerned about it. It happens too often. Even once is too often.

But yeah, it took me awhile to realize what I experienced was chronic pain. I was in denial about it partly because I didn't even understand it. I thought it was a lot worse than this. Chronic pain just has to be... Chronic. It doesn't have to be severe. It just has to be there more days than not. It doesn't have to be in the same place all the time. It can change how it feels, where it's at. But it's there most of the time, or all of the time. That's chronic pain.

You don't have to put up with it like I am. It's okay to get help. You're no more tough or macho for refusing to do things to reduce the pain. All you're doing is making yourself suffer more. there is no shame in pain relief.

Don't be upset with yourself if you get tired quicker than you used to before the pain, if you have a before. Pain is exhausting all by itself, it's like a leak in the gas tank, you won't go as far.

Being mad at yourself just takes more energy and it worsens your mental health. try to replace those judging thoughts with understanding ones. treat yourself when you can, even if it's a little thing like making your meal look a little more fancy.

[pingsthoughts]

hate how easily just the mention of shots can make me freak out. especially if its in reference to a severe illness' treatment

[pingsthoughts]

CRASHING OUT. I NEED TO GET OUTTA HEREEEE

[pingsthoughts]

CRASHING OUT. my trypanophobia is at the level where just thinking about it for too makes me start like. crying uncontrollably ?? and im so so scared that when im an adult and im not forced to get vaccinated i'll just never do it and then get horribly sick and DIE or never get diagnosed with something because it would require blood draws and DIE or i wont manage a disease because it would require it and then DIE and i cant go to my parents about it but I NEED THERAPY SOOOO BAD MAN. I HATE HAVING A PHOBIA

[pingsthoughts]

i am so. so sick and tired of having to fight for anything good in my life without even knowing if it'll amount to anything. i'll do it of course but gods do i hate it