pinky and the brain - s1e2: of mouse and man
episode summary: brain needs money to build a perpetual answering machine to occupy everyone in the world for long enough for him to take over. to do that, he needs an absurd amount of money, so he decides to get a job in an office!
and then fake a nondairy creamer accident that turned him into a mouse, because as we all know, brain has to take the most dramatic path he possibly can in life, or he dies.
we open with pinky showing off his ass.
PRODUCED BY PETER HASTINGS. i assume that means the episode, and not the ass. the ass was initially produced by pinky’s parents and then helped along by the warner brothers’ dietary experts for their. mouse actors.
brain isn’t feeling it right now.
instead, as he plucks a rib from the lab’s anatomical model of a human being, and uses it to unpick his cage, he angsts - WRITTEN BY PETER HASTINGS - he angsts over the Dark Side Of Man, that has built war machines and pollution spilling factories and
as pinky continues to stick his ass out (though onlyfans wouldn’t be launched for another twenty one years) brain runs through his latest plan, which, of course, involves voicemail.
look at those wiggles. this is a rough draft episode.
anyway brain intends to reroute all telephone conversations into his confusing, recursive, voicemail service that, he claims, will keep the human race occupied for “at least seventy two hours.”
“more than enough time for a well prepared mouse to seize control of the planet.”
“i see! so all we need now is a well prepared mouse.”
brain is unhappy. i am not surprised.
“i am a well prepared mouse, pinky.”
“oh. well. there you are, then.”
unfortunately this plan comes with the pitfall that it will cost.... one million, six hundred and fourteen thousand dollars. which is a lot of money, or, as pinky puts it, “a lot of money!”
as brain wonders about how to raise these funds (”without running for congress”) pinky pinkys off to watch some tv.
HAVE YOU BEEN INJURED IN AN ON THE JOB ACCIDENT
YOU MAY BE ENTITLED TO HUNDREDS, THOUSANDS, EVEN ONE MILLION SIX HUNDRED AND FOURTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS IN COMPENSATION
LENNY PARVIK GOT ME TWO HUNDRED AND ELEVEN DOLLARS
EVEN THOUGH I’M NOW NINETY PERCENT FUDGE, IT’S OKAY BECAUSE LENNY PARVIK GOT ME ONE HUNDRED AND FOURTY TWO DOLLARS SIXTEEN CENTS AND SOME CHANGE
<LOUD, INCREDIBLY DISTRESSED CRYING>
“pinky, are you pondering what i’m pondering?“
“i think so, brain, but i get all clammy inside a tent.”
anyway so brain’s new plan is to get a job, stage a
and then sue them for one million, six hundred and fourteen thousand dollars in workers compensation.
this episode also has a lot of faces. god, but these mice are so bloody cute. youtube has not yet been invented, but one day it will be, and all brain has to do is sit in front of a camera and nom some corn and go O:O with his face, and everyone will be crying over him within minutes.
it’s so sad that he doesn’t know that.
but for now, he has a job interview to go to. good luck, brain! can’t be any worse than that time allsaints forgot about me and the manager acted like it was my fault.
“impressive credentials. you’re certainly qualified. are you married?”
“oh, yes, i have a lovely wife and two beautiful young children.”
“oh that’s too bad. we’re looking for someone who has no life. thank you.”
as family man walks off, dejected, in comes a completely unsuspicious fellow looking for an honest living honest living, just like in rent the musical.
his arm is acting up, a bit, but it’s fine.
“very impressive resume. princeton, harvard, six years in the industry-- tell me, mr brain, what are your long term career goals?”
“i plan on taking over the world.”
“you have drive! i like that! but confidentially, taking over the world is my job, hahahaha.”
”now. brass tax - are you married?”
“i do have a roommate. but he’s very busy with his own activities.”
“but. one more thing. about your head. isn’t it rather small?”
“no! no, of course not-- and your people are such... good... cooks... with their tiny heads, uh. please. excuse me for one second.”
“carol! send everyone else home! i got myself a minority person!”
anyway. brain gets the job.
“mr brain! welcome to the world of re-reinsurance!”
back at the labs, he plots his untimely demise at the hands of re-reinsurance,
stating the accident “could be bluffed by altering the mollecular matrix through a substrate platform of microwaves.”
pinky’s response to this is “look brain, i made a choo-choo.”
“oh, and me without my video camera!”
in simpler terms, he explains to pinky that he will stage an accident, “utilising the microwave oven and the non-dairy powdered creamer.”
“because”, to pinky’s apparent horror, “nobody really knows how a microwave works.”
“but why the powdered creamer, brain?”
“nobody knows how that works either.”
(and then, i guess, there’s a scene where some guys jump him on the train for some reason,
i’m only putting it here because this guy is like “oh, you’re funny, you’re a regular gallagher”
and brain’s like “you think gallagher is funny?”
anyway then he ties the dude into a pretzel and throws him off the train.
bonk. it adds nothing, but it’s very funny.)
“this is your cubicle right here. if you need any office supplies, ask the office manager and she should have them over in two or three months.”
it’s brain’s first day at work! his boss reads him the company policy on
vacations, personal phone calls,
“don’t worry about it. you’re safe if you avoid all contact with other humans.”
as brain unpacks the things that pinky has packed for his “home away from home,
his nosy cubicle neighbour inquires about brain’s “pet mouse,”
elaborating that he keeps mice! haha! to feed to his pet snake!
to be fair this is also me around snake people. more understandable in brain’s case, being that he is, actually, a mouse, and i am a human person who may be slightly obsessed with tiney small flofys.
(they play tennis on their lunch break and brain sets him on fire, so it’s not too bad.)
upon his return from the office, pinky, who has dolled himself up to the nines, presents brain with a Yummy Dinner of Food Pellets With Food Pellets.
i will say i think it’s really cute how this show keeps pushing the narrative that pinky just really, really wants to be an old timey housewife. he just spends his time watching i love lucy (when Fish TV isn’t on) and stuff like that and he’s just obsessed with the idea of dusting something alluringly but ineffectively and making brain little dinners.
and it’s so fucking cute!!! what??? it’s adorable. as soon as they get the world pinky better get a little dollhouse kitchen room with lime green everything and a functioning oven.
“please, pinky. i’ve had a very tough day.”
“oh, you have? you’ve had a tough day?”
“what about my day, brain? we always hear about your day, but what about mine?!”
“DO YOU EVER ASK WHAT I DID TODAY???!”
“very well pinky. what did you do today?”
“well, now i know how american gladiator stays on the air.”
the next day, at work, brain is vexed by the fact that nobody has refilled the coffee machine.
“sorry. that’s my fault. hey, you’re cute.”
“you know what they say. big ears. big earmuffs.”
unfortunately brain’s mechanical arm chooses now to malfunction.
brain maintains that it was a mistake, and he doesn’t find her attractive at all, because brain knows how to talk to women.
she is no longer into it.
horrified by his semi-accidental fuckboy behaviour, brain heads out as quickly as he can, only to be immediately called into his boss’ office.
despite brain’s claims that “the young lady appears to have misunderstood me,” which i’m sure will hold up well on twitter,
mr boss man reveals that he has done some fact checking, and there is no record of brain attending harvard or princeton.
he is given the ultimatum that he either produce his diplomas, or HIS CAREER IN RE-REINSURANCE IS OH OH OVER!!!
looks like it’s time to stage a workplace related accident.
he pours the creamer everywhere, discards his suit, and runs up to plonk himself merrily into the pile.
HELP, HELP. A TERRIBLE OCCUPATIONAL DISASTER. I’VE BEEN MAIMED BY AN ON THE JOB ACCIDENT REQUIRING MASSIVE WORKERS’ COMPENSATION.
as others in the office crowd around to look, brain makes his dramatic reveal.
“i’ve been turned into a mouse!”
obviously mr boss man won’t pay that kind of money.
so, as brain emphatically tells him, I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT.
as the goodfeathers sit on justice’s head, and bitch about jury duty,
The Man From Washinton asserts that brain’s claim that he is a mouse is preposterous.
good thing brain has xrays to prove it! they “clearly” define his “mouse skeleton!” wait a sec and he’ll grab them.
(”there really is only one conclusion here.” says a local doctor.
“then i’m afraid the only conclusion here, doctor,”
“is that you have never seen these.”
“i trust this might keep you quiet.”
(BRUH/???????????????) (if boss man is out here bribing people with lingerie, he could have tried that way before this got to court.)
egged on by the lack of evidence in Mouse Corner, christopher walken produces the artefacts from brain’s office cubicle.
“i ask you, when was the last time you heard of a mouse winning a bowling trophy?”
turns out pinky is here because “they’re not covering this on court tv,” but does advise brain that “it’s a good thing they didn’t find the mechanical suit, eh, brain?”
“pinky, you must go to the office and get that suit from the kitchen closet. do you understand? if they find that we’re sunk.”
“oh! brain! you want me to help!”
(he sneaks into the snack delivery.)
(unfortunately, he gets delivered straight to the vending machine.)
“well. yes. i had noticed his... small, furry head, but i assumed that was normal for his people.”
“and what people would that be.”
“i’m not sure? i think they’re from europe?? maybe france.”
“the size of my head and whether i was a man before the accident is not the question, here. the fact is i am now a mouse.”
“try the fruit rollups. they’re yummy.”
“oh, i am doing well. poit.”)
“so how exactly did the accident happen, mr brain?”
“some bizarre thing involving a microwave oven? i don’t know exactly-- no one really knows how they work.”
“incorrect! in the oven, a magnetron produces microwaves which cause water molecules to align, and reverse alignment, producing heat, and not mice.”
“the accident also involved a.... nondairy powdered creamer.”
pinky attempts to drive.)
“mr brain, in your experience with other mice, are they intelligent?”
“exactly. your honour, i contend that mr brain is simply too intelligent to be a mouse.”
pinky tries not to get hit by a car.)
“but-- no, noo, i’m not intelligent.”
“i am a simpleton! yes. like any average mouse!”
that’s mean, brain, considering the aforementioned narf is on his way to save your gay little ass right now, but whatever.
“so you would have no problem with me saying that albert einstien was a champion surfer.”
“or that the temperature of the sun is a comfortable seventy degrees fahrenheight.”
“or that the fermi-dirac’s distribution function is a soup kitchen?”
“that’s preposterous! your honour, the fermi-dirac's function is, for any system of identical fermions in equilibrium,”
“the probability that a quantum state of energy -- E -- is occupied!”
“my word, man! don’t you know your quantum statistics!”
and what a blunder indeed! the judge decides to rule that brain’s intelligence proves that he is “not a mouse, and that being the basis for your claim, i now dismiss charges against fiero and company.”
“.....very well. i’ll go now.”
“i’m afraid not. i find you guilty of fraud, perjury, and appearing naked in a public place. take him away.”
good thing they have human man sized handcuffs for this human man! brain looks incredibly perturbed, despite the fact he could probably swim in them. and also that he... kind of lives in a prison anyway, if you think about it. oh, cool, can’t wait to evade that cage so i can go live in my other cage.
luckily, pinky arrives to save us all from that particular moral quandry.
“i got the suit, brain! i got it!”
the police attempt to intercept pinky,
so he knocks them over. hoo hoo.
attempts to enter the suit through the shoe,
and is squoshed for his crimes.
faced with a veritable army of police, at this point,
pinky activates the emergency protocol,
and fucks off out of the courthouse.
unfortunately brain got a fair few ouchies during his prison break, so pinky bandages him up. it’s very cute.
anyway, i’m giving this one to brain, on account there were, yknow, a fair few ways that could have been mitigated. fiero fucked him over, though, so i’ll give him that.
brain: 5 ½
pinky: 6 ½
outside influence: 10
“egad, brain! brilliant!”
“but isn’t that horribly illegal?”
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