Everyone has a different idea of death and what happens after we die. But in reality, no one really knows. And I guess that’s why people are often scared of death, becomes it is unknown and it comes with uncertainty, and humans like being in control. But I guess we will all find out when the time comes.
And of course, like everyone else in the world, I have thought about death and how life will be like after it. And to be honest, I also, like others, don’t like the uncertainty that it comes with.
When I was little, I was fed this story that when you die, there is a hell and a heaven. And of course everyone knows that bad people go to hell and good people go to heaven. And so I was told that if I am a good person in this life and I don’t lie and don’t steal and don’t do bad things, I will go to heaven. So as a kid, I was always scared to do the wrong thing. And whenever I did something that didn’t feel entirely right, I feared that my fate was set and I would definitely go to hell. It wasn’t a pretty imagination. But I guess in a way it helped me be good and not do things that I wouldn’t feel good about.
Obviously, today that isn’t the case. And even though I strongly believe that there is no heaven and hell, I am not certain that there isn’t one. But that hasn’t stopped me from not trying to always do the right thing. I think regardless of what the afterlife consists of, everyone should always try and do the right thing.
Anyway, my grandmother always said that when you go to heaven (which was where I would be going according to her) I get to make wishes and live whatever life I want. Obviously that is what every human being dreams of.
Now when I thought about my wish, thinking it’d only be fair if I got the one, otherwise I’d be too spoiled, I struggled to come up with something good.
And believe it or not, even back then I didn’t want to wish for toys or money or whatever the common wish is. Because I think when you’re old enough, you learn that there is no guarantee that there will be a tomorrow. So I had to start thinking about my wish. And so I did.
I’m not sure when, or how, but one day, somehow, I came up with the greatest wish I could ask for when the day came. And to be honest, in my head, it sounded so good that I wanted to die already to get this wish. And I don’t think I was very young at this point.
And I didn’t share this wish with anyone. Not even my grandmother. Maybe because I was scared that someone would copy it or that maybe it wouldn’t come true. So I kept it to myself. But even then, I wasn’t sure if this truly was the one and only wish I’d ask for when I died. But at the time, it seemed good enough.
And now, years after, and I think I truly came up with the best wish. And here is is:
When I die, at which point I hope I have lived a long happy life and had a family of my own, I want to be able to watch my life from the very beginning as if it were a movie. I want to watch it from the very moment I was born to the very moment I die. But I don’t want to watch it from my perspective, I want to watch it from the perspective of a ghost that let’s say never left my side. I want to see how I grew up to be the person I was the moment I died. I want to know where I did the wrong thing in life and how I made people feel in certain times. I want to understand my life more than I ever did living it. I want to see the bigger picture. I want to see the times where I was clearly loved by others, I want to see when I was brave, when I was cruel and when I was sweet. I want to re-watch all of the great memories I have and feel the happiness once again. I want to feel my heart ache as I spent countless nights crying my eyes out for god knows what. I want to remember every single second of my life, I want to see how I was as a baby, I want to watch all of the memories that people tell me about but I was too young to remember.
You know when you are really truly happy and then you stop and think that in a few hours this will be over and you can never go back to this exact moment ever again, and your heart just sinks a little bit? I want to go back to all of those moments. I want to re-watch the first time I ever fell in love, my first kiss, when I get married, and god knows whatever great or disastrous things that await me.
It’s like going to a high point, top of a mountain, and instead of seeing life from a supermarket or a restaurant, seeing it from the top of a mountain, all of the city and its people. It makes you realise that life is so much bigger than the small things, not that they don’t matter. But it gives you a different perspective to look at life from. Somehow, everything has more meaning and you don’t feel as sad. That’s kind of how this idea came from.
Now I know it’s crazy to ask for this when I’m sure there is so many other things I could ask for in one wish, things that I could use or whatever. But honestly, the more I think about it, the more I want this wish. When I die, I just want to sit and watch the life I lived and make sense of it all, maybe even watch it from god’s perspective (or whoever is in charge of this life) to help explain why I got my heart broken by that person or why I got this job and not the other. I just want to know what is was all for.
