pre-op girls often get really worried about dilation, so here's a frank little post about it from someone who is over half-a-decade post-op.
i haven't dilated in a few months, i'm not sure exactly how many but i think it's been about four months? i'm years after surgery, so this is honestly fine, but i also haven't done penetration more than once since the start of this year. because of that, i knew it would be tougher than usual, certainly tougher than early post-op dilation was.
today i felt super down and exhausted, so i decided to do some self-care to feel more connected to myself.
that self-care was dilation, because dilating is itself an act of caring for your body! it's a bit boring and mundane (especially since tension, excitement, or laughter are disruptive to it so being bored is the ideal mental state during it) but it's good for you.
and yeah, it'd been four months. so i was a little slower to get to depth than if it had been less time, and it was moderately uncomfortable with a few brief moments of tension that were fine, normal penetration stuff. your body going "oof, inflexible solid glass" is normal.
i did the full time with the medium and the full time with the large, then got out my favourite dildo and enjoyed a couple of tired little orgasms as a reward for getting it done because at that point i'm warmed up and it's an easy switch. you know when an orgasm makes you cry but it's really cathartic and a relief? good stuff! dilation works as buildup if you want to do penetration, but by itself it's very intimate; you're very focussed on your body and your feelings and self-control. trying to dissociate from it means you're not doing it properly, so you are very attentive to the physical feelings and movements, the little motions and control, and the responses of your body.
dilation is, and has been since surgery, one of the most profoundly intimate things i do with my own body. it is much more involved and patient and caring than, say, masturbation. enjoying that act of care for yourself is important to motivate yourself through the tedium of spending most of an hour on it.
then i took a shower, cleaned the dilators up, and had a lie down for a bit to rest.
i'm a little sore and a bit stiff when walking now, a couple of hours later, but dilation was always consistently slower and tougher for me than a lot of girls i know (likely related to my mobility/joint/ligament issues, your perineum has quite a lot of ligaments and there's two that can be pretty resistant to penetration, for me!). so i'm a girl for whom dilation was always pretty tough, but you just have to do it.
it's really not a burden, and people get too scared about it before surgery. if you're post-op, one day you'll feel like i feel right now. you did a chore, but it's a blessing too.
i feel much more grounded and connected to myself and more relaxed now than i did before that session. it's like i've pulled the cork on the depression and my emotions are flowing properly again. i feel real, my body exists tangibly rather than smeared by the fog of exhausted apathy. i still feel depressed, but i feel steady, satisfied, and i did something good today that i've needed to do for a while.
dilation is a mundane task, for a while it's a chore, it is not 'fun'.
but it's really not scary, and even on a bad day it can be a good thing.
dilation is about loving yourself.
and i think we don't talk about that enough, as trans women.
