Griffin: [as Jenkins] A witch kissed me and cursed me so that anytime anybody yells a secret word, I have to attend to their every need, and that word is my fucking name, Jenkins.
Justin: [snickering]
G: Are you naming your goddamn wizard Taako?
G: Oh- shit. Oh, god, oh, god, where’d it go, oh no, no, no!
G: If possible, I would love to- to avoid a shitting-based solution? Uh, A, because I don’t want to know what exists beyond the explicit tag in iTunes? [Justin laughs] I don’t- like, is there a fucking NC-17 rating? I don’t wanna- I don’t think I wanna be a part of that. But also-
Justin: [crosstalk] Hey!
G: I would also not like this scene to drag on out as long as- as a human being’s digestive cycle.
G: [background laughter] Fun show, fun show games!
G: And I think I just described a plant orgasm. And this has been Fifty Shades of Green [Clint laughs], starring four idiots.
G: So the end of that sentence that you cut off was- and I- so I won’t be able to put up with any shit today, but the problem is I already have? Now people will stop tweeting about me that I said one of Barry’s favorite things is swimming in a cold lake on a hot day, and then in two episodes later say he didn’t know how to swim.
G: ‘Kay, you and the box both drink POISON! And you survive, but the box has died.
Clint: That means it’s open, right?
G: Yes, with that the box pops open and it has 900 gold pieces inside.
Everyone: Yeah! [cheering]
Travis: I get it.
Justin: Damn, that’s a good door!
G: No, it’s- [yelling] let me finish describing what happened to the door! I’ve been trying to tell you what happened to the door for like ten minutes!
Travis: I tap it with the Glutton’s Fork and I swallow it.
Justin: [muffled wheezing]
Griffin: What the fuck!
Griffin: [laugh-crying] You’re gonna turn him into a man tube? [wheezing] You- you’re gonna turn him into a bag or a shelf with the rock sitting on it-
Griffin, loudly: What the fuck?! [audience laughter]
Travis: Double damage is- 4 and 3 plus 4 and 1.
Griffin: I didn’t give Marvey HP!
Griffin: Is the stapler in here? Anyone want the fucking stapler?
Griffin: Oh, Jesus, you love this shit! [Travis, crosstalk: I’m sorry-] It’s your- You’re a fucking pervert! Fetish- you’re exposing everybody to your fetishes!
Travis: I’m so sorry!
Griffin: Uh- it is an uneventful climb to the twentieth floor. And, uh- as-
Travis: Floor twenty!
Griffin: as- as- What?
Justin and Travis: [snickering] Floor twenty!
Griffin: [pause] We’re not gonna say anything better than that-
Travis: Griffin, we have to fight some weeds at floor twenty.
Griffin: We have thirty minutes to go, and we’re not gonna say anything better than that. Did you even think about that?
Justin: I grow bored with this fight. [laughter]
Griffin: Okay. [crosstalk]
Justin: I’m- I’m casting polymorph on myself-
Griffin: Oh, fucking- wow.
Justin: Griffin, I’m texting you- [Griffin: oh]because you’re going to need this information.
Griffin: Oh my god, Justin.
Justin: Yes.
[Wonderland music starts]
Griffin: Taako’s arms sink into his chest, so that he’s just got, sort of, little arms, and his head gets really big, and really long, [Clint laughs] and his teeth get very sharp, and he grows a tail, and he turns into a tyrannosaurus rex.
Griffin: [yelling] Oh, NO! Are you keeping track of how many times you rolled as well?
Clint: [crosstalk] To be honest the educational system in Huntington, West Virginia sucks-
Travis: Twenty-five! Twenty-five! Four, four! Twenty-five! Twenty-seven! [overlapped with Justin]
Griffin: it’s dead- STOP! Stop! You’re killing him!
Travis and Justin: Thirty! Thirty-six!
Griffin: Stop! He’s already dead!
Travis: One more, one more, one more- [Clint: C'MON!]
Travis and Justin: Thirty-seven! [A pause as the audience laughs]
Travis: His parents feel it!
Griffin: You fucking- you fucking- this turtle’s- this turtle’s parents-
Travis: [crosstalk] Is that where the turtle’s brother dies?
Griffin: -forget about him. This turtle was a successful turtle author, and the words on his books fucking vanish. [audience laughter] You have erased this turtle from existence.
Travis: But my butt-
Griffin: [yelling] Come on, I’m in hell! [crosstalk] I’m dead and in hell now! You opened the door! You built the fucking door! Out of wood! Shitwood! Shame on you and shame on us!
Justin, as Taako: Garfield?
Griffin, as Garfield: Yes?
Justin: I have something I think is really going to interest you.
Griffin: [yelling out of character] OH MY GOD!
Justin: This is the Slicer of T'pire Weir Isles [background laughter] and I notice that you have a really cool sword. It’s a Flaming, Poisoning, Raging Sword of Doom, I believe it’s called.
Griffin: Oh my god…
Justin: And- I’m looking at your entire stock and it does seem to me that’s your most valuable posession, would you say that’s accurate?
Griffin: [laughter, as Garfield] Yes, it’s absolutely the most valuable thing in the store!
Griffin: [very tired] I didn’t expect it to go like that. [audience laughter] Um- and-
Travis: What did you expect to happen?
Griffin: [yelling] For you to catch a fucking fish in my fish mini game! [audiene cheers] Is that so- Am I out of my mind? Is that an unreasonable expectation? To give them a fucking fish mini game- Taako makes the lake float, Travis jumps in with a rapier, like, “let’s get it done!” and Dad makes, the- the fucking shit teleport away! [audience laughter]
Clint: Welcome- welcome to The Adventure Zone, Griffin.
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