Poetic Ramblings

Profound thoughts are meant to be shared, for they are wasted on one person who stays silent.

[poeticrambler]

I am tired

Its easy for me to say

But hard to truly articulate

How im tired in every way

I feel it in my bones

Its present in every breath

Each step i take, each move i make

Sinks me into a new depth

As I crawl up out this hole

The walls crumble beneath my feet

This pit grows wider and wider still

And all I feel is my defeat

It is not supposed to be this way

At least that is what I am told

There was a future once for me

Where i grew happy and strong and old

Now all that is left for me within my feeble heart

Is to grow myself or remain in my hole

But i feel too tired to start.

So here i sit

Rot in my bones

An illness in my soul

I want to close my eyes and rest

Im too tired to climb out of this hole.

[poeticrambler]

Loyalty is a chain that shackles me to you

I will take your beatings with a smile and with joy

For all of my efforts and all that I do

In the end Im once again reduced to your toy

[poeticrambler]

I bought a pair of nice green pants

The comfy sort that fit me right

I loved to style them many ways

In all the fashions that I liked

But every time you saw the pants

You made your dislike known

No matter how I wore the pants

You wouldn't leave me alone

Too boyish, too flowy, too edgy, too big

Nothing I did stalled your rants

So you nitpicked and nagged and tore me apart

All because you hated my pants

I look back now and see it more clearly

There have always been green pants that you claimed to hate

But the true common factor was that I was wearing them

So I suppose I should accept this as fate

Too boyish, too messy, too edgy, too rough

All that I did was never enough

Too lazy, too tired, too bothersome, too strange

The things you take issue with aren't things i can change

I bought a pair of nice green pants

Like many others I've had before

Nothing I do is ever enough

I'm not sure why I try anymore

[poeticrambler]

Happy birthday

I'm no longer 6, waking up on the couch in my pink santa hat dad got me the week before watching you leave with him and my little brother to spend the day at your ranch while I have to stay home. Little brother didnt even like horses. But that was ok.

Happy birthday

I'm no longer 6, sitting next to you by chance at dad's graduation, showing you the sparkly fairy book he'd got me as a birthday present. You didn't know how to show intrest in it, and tried to pass me off to grandma. You were a cowboy, not a fairy expert. But that was ok.

Happy birthday.

I'm no longer 7, sitting at the front row of your funeral as dad struggles to speak through the words he'd written on his note cards. Mom and Grandma and Granny and my aunts and uncle, your children, sniffle and hide tears from me. As if I wasnt wiping those same tears the last time I saw you in that casket right before they closed it.

Happy birthday

I am no longer 8, wondering why you never made time for me, your eldest grandchild. Wondering why it was so hard to love me when you seemed to do fine with the others. I dont remember your touch. Your smile. Your warmth. The others recount it to me, but I have a hard time believing it ever existed.

Happy birthday

I am no longer 10, hating myself for hating you. The loathing as I see what you did to my daddy. How you hurt him and took away his family long before you'd left this earth. Dad isnt mad. He understood. I didnt. I didn't understand how you made him grow up too fast. How he took care of himself. How he learned from you that you cant rely on others because they let you down. You let me down, too.

Happy birthday

I'm 20 now. I graduated. I tried college. Wasnt for me. Dad says it wasnt for you either. I don't know if I like that comparison, but it dosent make me feel sick anymore. I have a job. I've had several. I cant drive yet. But neither can you now I guess. Sorry. That was rude.

I dont think you'd be proud of me. But I don't think that hurts as much as it used to. I don't think I want your kind of love. But I'm not mad. It's ok. I understand now.

Thank you, Grandpa. For my dad. For my uncle. For their strength and love they've shown both because of you and in spite of you.

You'd be proud of them. I know that for sure.

Happy birthday. I love you.

[poeticrambler]

Something beautiful in the way you smile

Something angelic in the way you talk

Something gorgeous in the things you make

Something graceful in the way you walk 

Something beautiful in the way the sun shines

Something angelic in the way the stars sing 

Something gorgeous in the way the moss grows

Something precious in every single thing 

Beauty and grace can be found in your face

In the way that you cry, sneeze, giggle, and grin

Until it is lost, you never can know 

The value and depth of the beauty within

Insist all you will, and fight as you may 

But your eyes see distortions of what is untrue 

You can not see the beauty that lies deep in your being 

But others can and will see and feel it in you 

Your heart a warm fire, your mind a fine gem

Your dignity and elegance is clear for all to see

You may never recognize this truth for yourself 

But you will always be more than beautiful to me. 

[poeticrambler]

Some day I hope you grow to understand

The demons I face to simply hold your hand

For while my instincts scream to bear my teeth and hide

I defied my very nature to keep you by my side

[poeticrambler]

Sweet little child so desperate to be saved you let yourself believe this new hell was your salvation

[poeticrambler]

Into the new year with blood on the ground, the celebration feels hollow without you around

But onwards we must go. Into the new year we must stride, carrying with us all those who we've had to leave behind.

For even now, though I know you're not here, I know in my heart that you'll always be near.

Although this day is hollow, the memory of loss is sharp, we'll carry you into the new year in all of our hearts.

[poeticrambler]

The monster you saw is the one I came to be

The name that i was given became my destiny

You saw what you wanted, a warped illusion, a crooked view of reality

And so I grew to what I am now, your self fulfilled prophecy

[poeticrambler]

Put away your monstrous ways

Conceal the rot deep within your bones

Hide the emptiness of your undead gaze

Only once you look human will this be your home

[poeticrambler]

Do I entertain you

Do you like what I provide

Am I so easy to obtain

That you push me to the side

Should I grow cold and detached

Remove myself from your grasp

Will you care to seek me then

When I become what you can not have

If I took back what I provide

Would I be worth your time then

Would you take notice of my absence

Or would you find a new funny friend

I will sit and I will wait

To see if something might change

But even I do not care for my life

Why should I expect you to do the same

[poeticrambler]

You will always deserve much more than I can ever provide

But though it is a selfish wish, I keep you at my side

For even though I'm well aware i will never fill your heart

The simple thought of losing you is tearing me apart

[poeticrambler]

In the nights when I'm alone, I think about death

When this life will be over, and I will breathe my last breath

I welcome it always, with arms open wide

And yet, every time, it passes me by

All those around me suffer and mourn

When all I can feel from death is it's scorn

Of all that I have, my life I would gladly give

And yet I remain here to this day, doomed to live

[poeticrambler]

Weeding a garden is a necessary task

A job to be done for a garden to last

Removing the weeds, the thistles and thorns

Clearing the clutter for new plants to form

But sometimes this weeding isn't the end

Some plants will need pruning again and again

Others still will flourish, while other plants will die

Some will become stagnant, though you won't quite know why

Weeding the garden is a form of care

But be sure to know of which plants to beware

The roses that grow do look good in their season

But prick you and scorn you without rhyme or reason

Weeding is an analogy, one that could go on without end

For in truth, this garden poem is all about friends

[poeticrambler]

I hate the way you made me whole

The way you hid your mind control

The lies

The tricks

The false hope and doubts

A years long game of cat and mouse

You were the balm that soothed my aches

You were the worst critic of my smallest mistakes

A gentle hand, an iron fist

Without your gaze I did not exist

So now I see, with regret and hate

That you were indeed my first mistake

But a child doesn't know, how could I then

For you were always my only friend

I see it now, your harm and deceit

To love you killed me, yet made me complete

[vio-starzz]

Standing atop the plane of existence

A burden passed by generation

The balance of peace,

broken by desire

A road to cross, broken by fear

Instead the bridge

Leading to mind of purity

Cracks embedded in law

The shatter of perfection

Thoughts of despair

The lies of mind

Misleading all known

Broken and shattered

Misshaped to defection

Unable to cross, a broken bridge

The pain of blood

Running along scarred hands

The burdens passed by parents

The words burning like flame

Laughing of deception

A mask to lay ahead

Feelings decayed and left

A flower left to die

Wilting without the sun

A child left to grow

Without the guidance of truth

Broken and buried

Beyond the clouded skies

A sun shielded by defect

The blanket of protection

Memory lost

Scattered without recalls

Lost by time forever

Shielded by the pain

Gone to better places

Dreamed in another

A new life to create

Forming a new leaf

Brought to light

Blooming in sky of eternity

A hope on darkened sky

The nights pass once again

Clouds of rain pour till none

The sun shone bright through day

A new hope

For another day.

[poeticrambler]

Unlovable creature

A burden to bear

Too hideous to gaze upon

Too monstrous for care

Parading around

Inside a humans skin

Hiding the horror

That lies deep within

Protect those you love

And push them away

They can't get too close

You know they won't stay