she/they || Asian Pacific Islander || A blog about one bisexual mouse’s journey through polyamory || Names of people mentioned in blog were changed for purposes of anonymity
“I was crushing on a married man 😭🫠… oh wait, I’m married… I’m like double married 😂”
Friday, July 12, 2024
I love dancing. Specifically partner dancing. I was first exposed to bachata and salsa last year in March and I’ve become incredibly addicted to partner dancing ever since. I’ve taken lessons in bachata, salsa, cha cha, waltz, tango, foxtrot, east coast swing, west coast swing, and more, and I’ve gotten really comfortable attending social dances where I dance with complete strangers or familiar dance partners and dance all night.
Something that I really enjoy about social dances is meeting complete strangers and finding connection with them through dance. The only thing I might know about them is their name, but as soon as we step on the dance floor, we are communicating with the movements of our bodies and when it’s a good connection, it’s a good time for both of us.
Back in May, I had a business trip and reported onsite for my internship. I was there for a week and I love going dancing while I’m there because the dance scene is bigger and there are more experienced people in west coast swing in that particular area (as opposed to where I live). I decided to go to a dance studio that I frequented last summer and I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of familiar faces that I saw that recognized me as well.
Later in the night, there was this incredibly attractive guy that arrived a lot later and asked me to dance. I don’t know how to describe his face, but I can definitely say that he had these hazel eyes that were incredibly mesmerizing.
I didn’t get a chance to see how he danced before, but as soon as we started dancing, I was immediately entranced by him. There’s this one move where the leader pulls you in, spins you around, then pushes you back out, but he modified it a little bit. He pulled me in, stopped me, and then we slowly walked in a circle facing each other (with direct eye contact mind you) before he gently pushed me back out. IT WAS SO ATTRACTIVE.
I went home that night and was completely flustered by the whole experience and needed to tell all my friends that I developed an instant crush on a guy who I was certain would be someone I would never meet again due to the circumstances.
I ATE MY FUCKING WORDS LAST NIGHT.
I made another work trip up there this past week and decided I would take a lesson at another dance studio I frequented and also attend the west coast swing social dance later in the week as well. For the dance lesson, it was taught by this incredibly iconic teacher - she is super fashionable and her personality is a lot of fun. I’m bringing this up because when I attended the west coast swing social dance last night, I saw her again, but I also saw the guy I developed an instant crush on as well. I didn’t see them come in together, but I noticed that if he couldn’t find someone to dance with, she would come on the floor and dance with him. I also noticed them chatting a lot with each other when they weren’t dancing.
(When I was telling my husband this, I said, “Oh. They sure like dancing with each other a lot. And oh. They sure like talking to each other a lot.”
And my husband responds, “Oh. They sure like making out with each other a lot.” To which I rolled my eyes. He likes making fun of how oblivious I can be sometimes.)
Anyway, I was able to ask my crush for a dance and it was incredible (because he is incredible and he has been dancing for more than 5 years). But I was too flustered to ask him to dance again before he left. I go back home having all sorts of feelings and today, I decided, “You know what? I know his first name, I now know he is here in this city, so let me see if I can Google him.”
I literally typed in “<his first name> <the city> dance” and he was the first person to pop up. I also noticed that he shared the same last name as the dance instructor I took a class with a couple days ago, and I was able to confirm that they were married.
I was doing all this while on my lunch break, so I was telling my friend, “I’VE BEEN CRUSHING ON A MARRIED MAN 😭😭😭…. Oh wait, I’m married too. I’M LIKE DOUBLE MARRIED LMAO”
After I learned his last name, my friend was wondering if he worked at the same place that we did (it’s a big company and it’s easy to verify that by looking up their full name in our company directory). It turns out he does work for the same company as me and he is also an intern HAHAHA
When I told my friends all of this, they were asking me if I was sad. And honestly, with where I am at right now in terms of dating, I am okay with developing crushes on people and not doing anything about it. I’m glad that I can develop an attraction towards people, but I don’t have the goal of dating another person right now.
My current focus is trying to find a job to fund my expensive hobbies. And I don’t really want to date anyone else that’s not my husband or wife right now because I’m currently content and don’t have the mental capacity for adding another person with that sort of commitment to my life.
my ex-boyfriend got a police report filed against him
Last year, I expressed interest in this guy, Marcel. We hit it off, hung out, had sex, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I reluctantly agreed. While I was his girlfriend, it only took me two weeks to realize that there was something incredibly off about him, so I dumped him.
Initially, I felt bad because that was the shortest relationship I had ever engaged in. However, it was actually a lot of growth on my end because I have stayed in relationships far longer than I wanted to in the past simply due to my personal stigma surrounding relationships that don't last long. (A long time ago, I dated a guy for 3 months even though I lost attraction to him after a week of dating, and I was also in a shitty/toxic on/off relationship with a guy for 6 years despite not being physically attracted to him).
I'm hesitant to call anyone "crazy" or "psycho" because I truly believe that people aren't bad, they just exhibit bad behavior; and I also believe that the reason why people hurt people is because they're hurt and haven't healed from their hurt.
HOWEVER, Marcel is a fucking psycho.
The most recent update I have about him was that he got a police report filed against him, his friends reported him to the Office of Institutional Equity, he got fired from his job, and he dropped out of university.
Idk how to format this blog post because I have so much to say and it's essentially going to be word vomit, but I'll try my best to have some semblance of structure/organization.
I actually wrote a list of things down before I broke up with this man baby so that if I ever had second thoughts, I could refer to this list and remind myself that it is A TERRIBLE IDEA to give him another chance.
Marcel was incredibly insecure.
He lied about having covid so that he could take exams later than the scheduled date.
He thought that polygamy and polyamory meant the same thing until I corrected him.
He changed his mind too quickly about things.
He's a pathological liar.
He self-diagnosed himself with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, ADHD, anxiety, and depression. I advised that he seek professional help with regards to those issues since I think it's dangerous to self diagnose (AND our school offers therapy/counseling services FOR FREE). Initially, he said he would make an appointment. A couple days later, he told me he was never going to go to therapy.
He said something like, "People think I'm a liar because I change my mind all the time." (He never thought that people think he's a liar because he lied all the time.)
He was obsessed with this one girl (Bella) for over two years. I had spent at least 2 hours on the phone with him trying to comfort/console him over some insecurities he had related to his crush on Bella. I realized the conversation was going nowhere and he kept saying that he was never going to tell Bella his feelings. I sighed over the frustration of this circular conversation and he got sensitive about me sighing. I tell him I need to go to sleep because I'm tired and I value my sleep. We hang up. The following day, I find out he confessed his feelings to Bella 30 minutes after I hung up on him. (I was not upset about him confessing his feelings to Bella. In fact, I was strongly encouraging him to pursue other relationships because I can't be with someone that's obsessed with me. The 2 hour phone convo was me basically asking why don't you tell her how you feel if it's stressing you out so much??? I was upset with him changing his mind after he told me he was "never gonna confess" and he wasted 2 hours of my time trying to get me to comfort him over an issue that he was gonna solve himself).
He was okay with his friend referring to me and Bella as "his bitches." When I told him how I was uncomfortable with his friends calling me and another girl "his bitches," he apparently told Bella the story and tried to pass it off as me being too sensitive (not realizing Bella agreed with me).
We were talking about sex and experiences we've had, and when I was telling him about stuff that I've done with my husband, he got incredibly insecure and told me he wasn't comfortable with me talking about sex. I never talked about sex after he told me that, but he told everyone that I overstepped his boundary by talking about sex when he was uncomfortable about it. (His misuse of the term "overstepping boundaries" and blatant character defamation of me was really frustrating)
His hygiene was questionable.
When I asked him about long term friendships/relationships, he told me, "Everybody always leaves me." Later, I realized that this was very telling of his lack of accountability.
He decided to blow off a networking opportunity where all his expenses were paid (plane ticket, hotel, conference fare, etc) and go to a comic convention instead. (I found it incredibly unattractive that he did not prioritize his career or his academics).
When he didn't get accepted to an academic program (that would have made him move to another country to pursue), he called me and started the conversation off with, "You're going to be stuck with me for another year." (This was the tipping point and made me realize I was no longer attracted to him. I am not STUCK with anyone. I CHOOSE to be with my partners. We were only dating for 2 weeks and he was already talking about being together for a year and it was too much for a person like me who tries to think "One Day at a Time."
I broke up with him and I thought we could be cordial. But he kept on attending club meetings that he did not regularly attend, but knew that I attended. I felt like he was purposely intruding on my spaces to get back at me, so I decided to not attend those meetings any more. I also decided that we could not stay friends so I blocked him on all social media we were connected on.
I recently had coffee with Bella and she told me that shit went downhill last year after I dumped him.
Apparently, he was telling everyone that he was the one that dumped me and that he didn't even want to be in a relationship with me. He framed it as though I was the one that really wanted to be his girlfriend and just tried to make me look pathetic.
Other than that, Marcel and Bella had a weird situationship going on between the two of them after I broke up with Marcel. Bella is also bisexual polyamorous like me. She and Marcel lived in the same apartment and Marcel confessed to her about 4 months after she had moved in and she also had some feelings for him at the time he confessed to her. However, she told him that they couldn't date because her parents wouldn't approve of her dating her roommate. So they just stayed in this interesting limbo of "we both like each other, but we're not dating." (I think later... Bella realized that she didn't like Marcel the same way, but they were still living together and being honest about that would make things really awkward? Idk, it's complicated)
Marcel tried to play things off as though he was fine with waiting until after they stopped living together to start dating each other, but we all know that Marcel is too insecure to really be cool with that shit.
Anyway, fast-forward to November of last year. Bella was changing in her room and in the corner of her eye, she sees a figure through the blinds of her window. She freaks out because she realizes someone is trying to watch her while she's changing. This happens multiple times and she gaslights herself into thinking that she's imagining things. UNTIL...
Sometime in December, she decides, "I'm going to test this theory." She waters her plants and places her phone next to them in a way that it's inconspicuous, but can record whoever is trying to watch her change. She starts recording. She then announces, "Hey guys, I'm going to change." Queue Marcel being a FUCKING CREEP and trying to watch her change. He does what he's been doing for the past month, but then he notices the phone and freaks the fuck out.
Anyway, Marcel is caught on camera trying to watch Bella change. Bella sends this video to her other roommates and friends. Marcel, Bella, and the other roommates have a group conversation to talk about what happened. Marcel tries to play it off as though Bella is crazy and that he wasn't doing what she thought he was doing. The video is CLEAR evidence that he is lying.
He later realizes that he fucked up and basically begs Bella not to do anything or else she's going to ruin his life. (As though he wasn't the one who ruined his life by committing the crime himself??? Again, this dude does not know how to hold himself accountable and needs to blame his misery on everyone else but himself)
Bella files a police report against him. Marcel checks himself into a mental hospital (to gain pity???). He also tells his friends what happened and tries to frame it in a way where he's not in the wrong. His friends report him to the Office of Institutional Equity. He gets fired from his job. He drops out of school.
I dodged a bullet, but I still feel incredibly bad for Bella and the shit she went through. When I had to report a guy to the Office of Institutional Equity for being a creep and harassing women/femme presenting people, the guy particularly favored Bella as well.
After this whole debacle, it's really made me hesitant to engage in relationships, but I'm really grateful for my husband and wife.
A lot has happened since the last time I've updated this blog and I just wanted to post an update. I dated a guy last year and it was a total disaster because he literally turned out to be a psycho (I'll talk about it more in another post). Since then, I've been re-evaluating my relationship to polyamory, dating, current partners, etc.
I realize that my priority right now is to graduate from school and I'm also really happy and content with my husband and wife (platonic soulmate). Honestly, they've set the standard WAY TOO DAMN HIGH for me to want to actively look for other partners, which isn't a bad thing. But it does make it really hard to give anyone else new a chance...
My husband and I recently checked in with each other about how we're feeling with regards to polyamory. Both of us are on the same page in the sense that we're not actively looking for other partners (separately), but if we come across someone, we'd be open to dating them.
My wife called me today because she'll be going on a trip tomorrow and just wanted to hear my voice before she left. She's so fucking cute. I love her so much and I think it's hilarious when she gets flustered (she rarely get flustered, but I'm lucky enough to witness it every once in a while and I just think she is so fucking adorable).
I realize that the only kind of additional relationship I have capacity for at the moment is casually making out with someone. But of course, things are subject to change.
I've been talking to my platonic soulmate a lot more recently and something funny happened this past week. She was in therapy and her therapist was asking her, "Do you have someone in your life that you feel comfortable opening up to?"
She immediately responded, "<polymousecoco>! Oh, she actually just sent me a message on Twitter just now!"
The message 💀💀💀:
We can literally talk to each other about anything. 🤣
Being threateningly romantic with my platonic soulmate
Tuesday, July 5, 2022
I love that when I talk to my platonic soulmate, I don't need to have a filter. She just gets me and I don't need to over explain anything because I've never felt like she's misunderstood me (which is so important because I feel like I've come across so many people in my life that constantly misunderstood me, almost on purpose just to get on my nerves).
I find her presence to be so comforting and she puts me at ease whenever I'm riled up. Sometimes I'll have some really rough days where all my insecurities are dug out and I can't hear any clarity in my head, and she'll message me or I'll get to hear her voice and the shitty committee in my head shuts up immediately. She's so grounding and she balances me out (maybe it's because she's a libra and I'm a gemini haha). I'm so lucky to have her in my life because she's basically my rock.
Sometimes I worry that I don't provide the same amount of support that she gives to me, but yesterday, we had a funny conversation that reminded me of our mutual relationship together. It sounded like she was having doubts in her ability to produce something, so I responded to her by saying:
But like... we still got a long ways to go and I feel like you might come up with an idea and the motivation to come up with something before we both die
She started laughing and she kept on repeating "BEFORE WE BOTH DIE" and the more she repeated it, the more I told her it sounded threateningly romantic. And it seems like we shared the same sentiment because she responded:
It's kinda weird for me to think this, but like it makes me feel warm n fuzzy that you consider "us" in this journey and not just "you"
Anyway, the "before we both die" comment apparently 100/10 made her day, which in turn made my day because of course I'm happy when she's happy. 💕
"If you don't heal what hurt you, you'll bleed on those who didn't cut you." I think about this statement a lot because I am very aligned with the school of thought that "hurt people hurt people, but healed people heal people."
Because polyamory involves connecting with multiple people, I think it's really important to work on becoming the best version of yourself. I feel that if you have a good relationship with yourself, it's easier to develop a good relationship with others.
One of the most useful things for me to do when working on myself is to read self-help books. In an earlier post, I had mentioned reading some books focused on polyamory, but I also really enjoy reading books that help with trauma because I find that it's relevant to my own experience.
With that in mind, I have recently finished reading the following books and wanted to provide my thoughts on how they were helpful to me:
"What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing" by Bruce D. Perry, MD Ph.D and Oprah Winfrey
I started noticing feelings of resentment come back up towards issues that I thought I had previously resolved. Feelings of really intense anger and frustration had started to arise within me due to some conversations I was having with my family of origin. When I talked to my sponsor about the issues I was having, they pointed me towards this book.
What I love about this book is that it's a back and forth conversation between Oprah and Dr. Bruce Perry who is a specialist in studying trauma. Oprah provides the soul while Dr. Perry provides the logic and scientific explanation to what happens to you when you experience trauma. What I love love LOVE about this book is that they reframe the question, "What's wrong with you?" to "What Happened to You?" because most people aren't inherently bad, they might just exhibit bad behavior due to trauma they experience. I also really find the format of reading a conversation between two people because it felt very engaging and easier to digest.
"Love's Not Colorblind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and Other Alternative Communities" by Kevin A. Patterson
I had decided to read this book after my breakup with Katia.
Tl;dr My first serious relationship (after pursuing polyamory and opening my relationship with my husband) ended after 2 months because I felt like my ex-girlfriend fetishized me and displayed behavior that felt transphobic, misogynistic, and racist.
It's taken me a bit of time to say that out loud and to read this book, but I finally got around to finishing it and I'm really glad I did. The book is about polyamory from the perspective of a cisgender heterosexual black man. Most of the popular books on polyamory are written by white women, so this was refreshing as he touched upon the impact of racism in a community that already feels like a minority.
What I liked about this book was that he gave a lot of anecdotes and was able to talk about issues like tokenization and fetishization, AND he also talked about taking accountability. He was calling people out for problematic behavior BUT he was also calling himself out when he realized he made mistakes himself and I think that is incredibly important for self growth.
This book validated my experience as a polyamorous person of color, but I also liked the call to action at the end which encouraged me to continue updating this blog.
"Permission to Come Home: Reclaiming Mental Health as Asian Americans" by Jenny T. Wang Ph.D
I cannot shut up about this book. In relation to why I read "What Happened To You?" by Bruce D. Perry, MD Ph.D and Oprah Winfrey, this book was also extremely healing. I read about one chapter a day, but I will definitely be re-reading this book to revisit the exercises and rest stops provided.
This book was so incredibly personal to my experiences growing up that I cried several times throughout reading it. A lot of times, I'm hesitant to talk about my experiences as an Asian American around people who are not Asian because I'm scared someone will think I'm being dramatic or calling too much attention on that detail about myself. I've lived in Southern California growing up (where I was in an interesting Asian bubble) and then I moved to Tallahassee, FL for 3 years and got to experience living in the (racist) South. When I lived in Tallahassee, I remember feeling so much pressure to represent myself well because I was usually the only Asian person in group settings, and most of the time, I just wanted to fit in, and I didn't want to be treated as some exotic specimen so I tried to say things that wouldn't make me feel othered (even though my experience was VERY different from a lot of the people I was with).
As I'm working through some really big tough feelings, this book made me completely surrender to the fact that my experience as an Asian American is unique and valid, and I am allowed to acknowledge that, and I am not being dramatic for admitting that. Working on issues that come up from my family of origin will always be hard, but I know that I'm not alone and that I'm allowed to work on myself and thrive and be happy, despite whatever I was taught in my upbringing.
With relation to "Love's Not Colorblind" where there was a chapter where he talked about how sometimes BIPOC people paint polyamory as "a white thing," I feel like "Permission to Come Home" touched upon how working on mental health wasn't something a lot of Asian people did. So it was extremely beautiful to hear that polyamory and mental health aren't just for white people, it's for everybody.
Reading these books made me feel more at peace with myself.
Y'all. I know that there are a lot of holidays that capitalism really takes advantage of, but I fucking love Valentine's Day. As someone who identifies as polyamorous, I love Love. I love that I feel like my love is infinite and I love that I can share it with so many people I care about.
Since this was my first Valentine's Day identifying as polyamorous and being in an open relationship with my husband, I decided that I wanted to really celebrate by sending letters and baked good to my friends that I've been able to be my true and authentic self with.
I had a lot of fun baking these sugar cookies and frosting them with homemade pink and white icing! I packed an assortment of these cookies into Ziploc bags and into 4" x 4" x 4" boxes and it was really fun sending these to my friends who were so so so happy to receive them! <3
I think it's really important to celebrate love with chosen family because I don't know who I'd be without their support.
I also got to write letters and decorate the envelopes with Valentine themed stickers. Writing letters can feel so meditative because I can focus solely on what I want to say to the other person and try my best to formulate a message that can best convey how I feel towards them. Completing each letter and dropping them off at the post office was just so gratifying. I felt like a little kid making candy grams for their classmates lol
Other than celebrating Valentine's Day with friends, my husband and I went on a cute little date together, I exchanged very flirtatious letters with Angel, and I gushed together with my platonic soulmate and platonic partner about how much we love and appreciate each other.
It's been over a whole year since my husband and I have opened up our relationship and this past weekend we just celebrated our 5-year wedding anniversary.
Since it's been over a whole year since we've opened up our relationship, I just wanted to share that it seems like he's not very interested in dating other people at the moment since his career takes up so much of his time. I, on the other hand, have been enjoying the freedom of dating other people; and since a year has passed since opening up, we haven't really hit any huge issues and it seems like this arrangement works for both of us.
However, I feel that most of my recent entries have not talked about my relationship with my husband, so I wanted to share a snippet of what our relationship has been like recently:
I remember waking up the day of our anniversary and just being so happy. I'm so grateful for him because I'm not sure I'd be the same person without his love and support.
This is really random, but last week, we were watching TV together and I decided to look back at him and he was giving me the look. You know the look you see in when a man is completely smitten by a woman in a romcom and can't take his eyes off her? Yeah, that look. I love seeing his smile and I had to ask him, "Why are you smiling?"
He responded,
"I just… love you."
Y'all. This man makes me feel like I'm the main character of some romcom and I cannot tell you enough how much I am eating it up. I'm so so so grateful for him and as much as I love talking about the queer experiences I have, I feel the necessity to share that this man has embraced all aspects of me to allow myself to be my truest queer self and there's something so special about that.
He doesn't only spoil me on special occasions. He spoils me on a regular basis and it makes me feel like everyday is special because we have each other.
My platonic partner and I text each other very frequently, but we've only talked to each other over the phone once. Anyway, she called me at 8am this morning and I freaked out because she never calls me, and I also freaked out because I totally missed the call. I immediately tried calling her back, but it went to voicemail. I was super worried so I texted her asking if she was okay.
She replied
accidental call bb 😭😭😭 so sorry if i woke u up early
thank u for checking in so quickly 🥺💖
dhdhfs ur in my favorites list so its very easy for my sneaky little fingers to hit 😔
And I dunno. Sometimes I get worried that my feelings for her are unrequited, but then she tells me that she saved me as one of her favorites and it makes me realize that she values me just as much as I value her... And that makes me very happy.
I thought I was getting ghosted by the girl I was casually dating, but...
February 3, 2022
[[Note: This was saved in my drafts and I felt compelled to post it because I wanted to share all aspect of my journey in polyamory, even if they're all over the place]]
I was on TikTok the other day and I couldn't stop laughing at this particular one:
https://www.tiktok.com/@ricstevens/video/7050073923563572482
[Description:
Caption: "Dating as a 24 old in 2021 be like"
Person is holding their phone and reads out loud, "Read 3 hours ago." The person then throws their phone. They get their teddy bear and softly pet it, then say, "Fuck you man, I don't care if you ever message me again... bitch."
A couple seconds pass by and you hear their phone's notification sound go off. The person immediately grabs their phone and scrolls through saying, "Fucking love of my life, what's up? What's up?" ]
I think I was laughing because I found it super relatable. I had set up a third date with the girl that I was "casually dating" (let's call her Angel), but she had cancelled on me at the last minute. I tried to take the cancellation at face value because she said she'd "make it up to me," but of course, I'm human and after not hearing from her for 3 weeks I thought that I had done something wrong and that she was no longer interested in me.
At that point, I started going on dating apps again because I didn't want to get stuck on Angel if she really decided to ghost me. But as I had started swiping and trying to converse with potential dates, I got frustrated because I kept thinking about Angel and how much I wanted to see her again and I kept comparing my interactions to these other potential dates with my previous interactions with Angel. And that's when I realized that I *caught feelings* for her and that I also don't know what the definition of casual dating is even if somebody wrote it on a brick and threw it in my face because I don't just casually date people. I court the fuck out of them.
ANYWAY, so I'm frustrated with dating apps because swiping on people, matching with them, and having empty conversations can't fill the void you feel when you've made a genuine connection with another person who decides they don't want to contact you any more. Fine, that's cool. So let me just grieve my short lived romance with this person I thought was going to be a potential lover. Cool cool cool.
BUT THEN, my phone dings and it's Angel. She texted me again. And she said,
Hi cutie!!! Sorry I've been super busy lately. I hope you've been doing great and that school is going well have a good night!
So of course I'm over the moon and just excited to hear back from her and I forget all my angsty thoughts that I had in the past 3 weeks because none of them are true! She's still interested in me, she was just busy!
My dumb flirtatious ass decided to respond back by saying,
Good morning pretty lady!
Thanks for the lovely text - I hope you've been doing super well!
Sorry you've been busy lately, but let me know when you're available to "make it up to me" 😚
Happy Friday!
In all seriousness though, I'm joking about the "making it up to me" (unless...) 👀😏
But I'm really happy to hear from you
School is starting to make me busier but I've been managing to stay afloat
And Angel responds,
I'd love to make it up to you actually... in all seriousness. 😏
I miss you and want to give you a kiss. I love your lips :) hope you had a great day. I am busy these 2 weeks unfortunately BUT if something clears can I message you? If not, wait for me until then 🖤
So here I am, immediately getting off the dating apps because Angel gave me hope again lol
And honestly, I ain't even mad. I'm just allowing myself to ride this wave of queer flirting because I'm enjoying myself.
I had some incomplete entries in my drafts and at some point, I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue updating this blog. However, after taking a much needed break, I realized that I do enjoy sharing these experiences and that I only need to update this blog if I find joy in it. And I do. I'm trying to break away from any pressure that takes away the fun from things that I enjoy and I really do like typing out my stories.
So there might be an influx of entries being posted from me and I just wanted to write a short note as to where they were all coming from. :)
Side Note: I wonder if this is my accidental contribution to pride month haha... But also, "This Hell" by Rina Sawayama totally re-energized the pride in me lol
Last week was really rough for me - I was really irritable and took a lot of things personally. I experienced a bunch of uncomfortable interactions that compounded into one huge pile of anger and frustration, which lead me to a series of days where it was really hard for me to hold it all together, so I didn't (I basically cried to every friend I talked to).
With regards to this blog, I felt the need to share about a particular instance that hurt me last week:
At my university, I've been attending this meeting where the special interest is anime and everyone in the meeting just so happens to be queer as well. During the meeting, somebody thought it would be a great idea to share any unpopular/controversial opinions we had on anime, which made me extremely uncomfortable because I knew there was a huge chance for someone to say something I disagreed with. And sure enough, somebody said it, "I hate <insert popular anime>. Don't engage in the fandom because it's terrible."
I know it's silly to get my feelings hurt over this, but the reason why it was so painful for me to hear that was because 1) I love that anime (it's difficult for me not to take things personally when someone outright says, "I hate something you love.") and 2) I actually don't know if I would be practicing polyamory if it wasn't for this particular anime.
Let me explain the second point in more depth. My platonic partner (who I have yet to meet in person, but I've been talking to on a daily basis for almost 3 years) loves to read and has excellent taste in fanfics (or at least, her taste heavily aligns with mine). For this particular anime, she came across a fanfic where polyamory was explored and recommended it to me, and I was in awe of how much I loved it and thought, "Wow, wouldn't it be nice if this polyamory thing was something people did in real life and not just in fiction?" (I really thought it was some fantasy concept lol) And then I found out that people really do practice polyamory. It is absolutely something that is practiced in real life haha...
SO if it wasn't for this anime and if it wasn't for the fandom that my partner and I chose to engage in, I don't know if I would have ever looked into polyamory as a lifestyle... or maybe it would just take a lot longer for me to get to where I'm at today, who knows.
Anyway, I really needed to get out of the rut that I was in this last week, so I decided to take action. I forgot where I heard this quote from, but I kept it in mind when I decided to take action, "In a time of hate, love is an act of resistance."
I decided to reach out to the author of the particular fanfic I had mentioned and just tell them what their writing meant to me. Whenever I do things like this, I always ask myself, "Am I doing this for fun and for free (or do I have an expectation)?"
I told myself that even if the author doesn't respond, I'll just be happy telling them that the way they explored polyamory in their story allowed me to realize that it was something that I wanted to explore in real life, which lead me to seeking out resources that were focused on educating people regarding this lifestyle.
They ended up responding and telling me that my message meant a lot to them. Apparently, the author was actually questioning their own feelings with regards to monogamy versus polyamory, so it was their outlet to explore those feelings without engaging in it in real life.
Another thing I decided to do was to engage in fandom even more (maybe out of spite) by just leaving a bunch of nice comments on people's fanart or short drabbles they posted on Twitter haha...
I was also going back and forth between talking to the president of the club about my discomfort revolving around a segment specifically dedicated to sharing unpopular/controversial opinions (because I feel like that segment is just asking for people to argue with each other), but when I thought about it more, I felt like if I didn't speak up, I would just let that resentment fester and that didn't feel good at all. So I ended up talking to them and politely expressed my discomfort and they took note of it and said that they won't let it happen again... and it felt like an act of love towards myself, for being able to speak up for myself.
In that same meeting, there was another person that had a tendency to make comments about me being Asian and I didn't take their last comment so well. A week after their last comment, they made a joke about how they play violin "because they're Asian" (yes, the person making jokes about me being Asian was also Asian) and I guess I got fed up, so in a half joking half serious tone, I responded to that comment with, "Can you not?"
They immediately changed their demeanor and said, "I will seriously stop with the Asian jokes from now on." And I felt confused, but good?
I just wanted to share that I struggle to speak up for myself when I'm uncomfortable, so I'm really proud that I decided to speak up for myself (even though it took a whole week after the incidents occurred).
A friend in recovery told me that I should give myself more credit too. She pointed out that it only took me a week to speak up whereas other people may take years or may never speak up after an incident occurs. So yay me ^^;
"Love is infinite. Time and energy are not."
You'll hear this a lot in polyamory forums and discussions, and I think I've hit my quota recently.
Current Relationships: husband, platonic soulmate, platonic partner, and casual girlfriend.
I need to gush about how awesome my current relationships are...
Husband
I have been dating him for 8.5 years and we've been married for 4.5 years. He is my nesting partner, my travel partner, my partner in parenting our fur babies, my partner who I eat dinner with on a daily basis, etc. There have been many times he's made me cry... tears of joy and gratitude because of how lucky I feel to be in a relationship with him. You know that constant feeling that you've made terrible decisions in life and don't ever know when you'll be sure that you've made the right one? My husband makes me feel like I made the right choice in choosing to marry him, and I feel it on a daily basis.
Platonic Soulmate
She is my best friend and my wifey (we're married on Facebook). We had that really queer experience of growing up together in denial of our own queerness, only to come out to each other 10 years after becoming friends. She is my rock, my foundation, (my baobei), and without her, I don't really know who I would have become because she played such a critical role in my growth as a person. She balances me out and I can go to her for anything and everything. There are times where I can't get my mind to shut up and all I need is to hear her voice or read a message from her and it will bring me to the present and calm me down. You know those people that make you think, "It's so easy to be with them because they exude both comfort and strength at the same time"? Yeah, that's her.
Platonic Partner
The concept of making friends with people on the Internet is so crazy to me - there are billions of people surfing the web everyday, and yet you and another stranger in some other part of the world are browsing the same website, come across the same post, and end up interacting with each other in that particular moment. I don't remember exactly how we came across each other, but I have been talking to her on a regular basis for almost 3 years and it's gotten to the point where I can't imagine my life without her. Sending and receiving messages from her bring me joy and whenever I'm having a rough time, I'll hear from her and I'll think, "This life thing ain't so bad." And even though we haven't met in person, we'll randomly message the other person, "I miss you."
Casual Girlfriend
After my last relationship, I realized that I might have jumped into a serious relationship too quickly and I never really got to be in a casual relationship? So I'm currently seeing this girl and we've been on 2 really nice dates already and I feel like I've known her for a long time. I don't know how long we'll be in touch, but I'm just enjoying her company while it lasts. I'm amazed at how much of a flirt I can be when I'm around her. I hope she's enjoying my company as much as I enjoy hers. And I like how I don't have this end goal of trying to girlfriend her.
Even though two of my relationships are platonic, maintaining the communication that I have with them takes a good amount of time and effort, so I've taken my dating profile off my apps. I realized that if anyone wants to have a relationship with me, I better be super fucking attracted to them in order for me to take time away from the other relationships I'm fostering.
"The opposite of scarcity isn't abundance, it's enough."
Everyone's relationship with their family of origin is different.
My whole family (except my older brother) knows I'm bisexual. However, only my youngest sister knows about me being polyamorous. Coming out to some family members was easier than others and there are just things that I'll never feel comfortable disclosing with certain members of the family.
Growing up, my relationship with my brother was pretty terrible. Currently, I think my brother is trying to be better and he's trying to make up for how terrible he was, but I'm still very wary of whether he's being genuine or if he has ulterior motives (my skepticism is a form of self-preservation).
Anyway, I went back to see my family of origin and I got to hang out with my siblings. My brother has been having a rough time because he found his girlfriend of several years (now ex-girlfriend) cheating on him with another man. Apparently, she's incredibly insecure and justified her actions because she didn't like the fact that my brother would look at other women on Only Fans. When my brother was walking me through his side of the story, he mentioned that he was hoping that she was cheating on him with another woman (his ex is bisexual), because then it would be okay.
Comment Re: Only Fans - When I heard that this was the reason why she cheated on him, I got really frustrated. I understand that my views on relationships vastly differs from the majority of the population, but wow. Looking at porn is not the same thing as cheating on your partner. *screams*
Comment Re: Being cheated on with another man vs a woman - I hated hearing that. I hated hearing that so much. I hated hearing that so much that I wanted to yell. But I'm not that close to my brother, so I didn't say anything. That little comment bothered me a lot because it had a lot of misogynistic undertones to it.
"If she cheats on me with a woman, it's hot. If she cheats on me with a man, it's not." Do you know how many fucking times I've heard this as a bisexual woman?? Fuck. If she cheats on you with anyone, regardless of whether they are a man or a woman, she cheated on you. w|w relationships are just as valid as m|w relationships. as;ldkfjasldkfj
Thriver's Guilt Seeps In
I think hearing about this whole situation just made me feel really bad. There I was listening to my brother, sad about his relationship falling apart in a really ugly way... and here I am, completely thriving in the relationships that I've been cultivating over time.
So it's been almost 2 months since I've broken up with my ex-girlfriend.
I've been casually browsing around on Bumble and I immediately told myself, "Do not swipe right on someone you are not physically attracted to." I think my younger self would have probably judged me for being "shallow," but the more I open up about that, the more I've been told that it's okay to have a type and it's good to know who/what you're attracted to because it wouldn't be fair to the other person to only go on a date because they're attracted to you and you know that you don't reciprocate that. (Also, real talk, I'm done dating people that aren't physically attractive to me... My self esteem ain't that low any more)
Anyway, I updated my dating profile to reflect things that would help me filter potential partners. Under "non-negotiables", I wrote:
if you're a Trump supporter, a racist, an anti-vaxxer, or don't acknowledge the existence of white privilege, SWIPE LEFT. Let's not waste each other's time.
I also emphasized RECIPROCITY in relationships because something that bugs me about dating women... is the lack of assertiveness. I understand that being socialized as a woman has raised us in a society where we play a more passive role when it comes to dating, but I'm not interested in someone who waits for me to make all the first moves. So if I start a convo with someone and I'm the only person asking all the questions, my interest is greatly decreased and I usually stop and see if they initiate convo (they don't).
I think the accumulated experiences I've had has made me feel less afraid of rejection, so I've become a lot more straightforward and I'm pretty aware that one of the things that people seem attracted to about me is my quirky sense of sincerity. (Gotta play up your strengths, ya know?)
So those are some thoughts I've had regarding being on the dating apps again. However, I'm very happy to say that I matched with someone last week and I hit it off with them!
I got the feelings of excitement that made me want to ask them out on a date. I was a very forward and explicit when asking her out and basically said, "I have some questions: First of all, are you vaccinated? And if so, can I take you out for some coffee or milk tea? If you're not comfortable with an in-person meet up, can I ask you out on a video chat date." And she politely accepted.
She was offering to pay for my boba since I had to drive further to meet up with her, but I told her that since I was the one that asked her out, I would like to treat her. Right before our date, I noticed that my mind was fantasizing about a lot of crazy scenarios, but I slapped myself to remind myself to stay in the present and just accept whatever reality was going to throw at me.
I think my higher power was smiling down upon me because I was granted an excellent date. Our conversation flowed so naturally and she would touch me in a playful way every so often when we made each other laugh. We also agreed a lot on big picture items (she told me that when she read my non-negotiables, they were all green flags to her). What was also really nice was that she is a POC, so we related on a lot of experiences as minorities.
Ahhhhhh... I just can't get over how well we vibed. At one point, we were talking about something and we ended up saying the same exact thing and the same exact time 3 times in a row. She's looking for something more casual and when she asked me what I was looking for, I told her that I didn't really know, but I know that I wanted to take her out on a second date. I like that she's a very "go with the flow" kind of person, she's independent, she's emotionally intelligent, she's self aware, and she doesn't try to mold herself to make her likeable to other people.
The boba was really watered down, but the conversation was so great that I didn't mind the low quality milk tea. When we concluded our date, I asked if I could hug her and under my breath, I asked, "maybe a kiss too?" and she really liked that.
She said my lips were soft and I thought her lips were too. She later messaged me saying, "We could have done way better on that kiss... still like it though" which was a great set up for me to offer that we could experiment more with kissing on our next date. Hehe...
It's nice to be putting myself out there.
I don't know what the future holds for me, but I'm so grateful that I get to experience these things.
Follow up on: How to solve love triangles in media ¿Porque no los dos?
Wednesday, October 27, 2021
I previously complained about how I was bothered by love triangles in media in this post.
Well, I came across this blog called "Polyamory in the News" and they had a post about some books where the love triangles end in polyamory! You can read that post HERE
Ahhhh... so not only do I want to tackle the non-fiction books on polyamory, there are fiction books with polyamory embedded into the story!!!
So many books to read. What a great problem to have lol
