(1/2) So I’ve been in a poly relationship w my boyfriend for a while now. He has a boyfriend and the relationship is open (all consensual), n I just told the first person outside of the relationship abt it and they said they’re glad I found somebody “EVEN if it’s an open relationship”. And that just really hurt my feelings? Like they thought my relationship didn’t mean as much because it didn’t fit the mold of mainstream relationships you know? I care abt this person but I’m really unsure on how
(2/2) to approach the topic without it seeming like I’m overreacting. Which I might be and I’m sure they didn’t mean it like that, it just feels really shitty of them, you know? I mean if you have nay advice on how to approach the topic without putting them off it’d be greatly appreciated. Even if u don’t thanks for letting me vent ig lmao
Monogamous people - especially ones who aren’t familiar with what polyamory is - have a lot of internalized bias against nonmonogamy. Our culture bombards us with ideas about monogamous fidelity being morally superior. It’s all nonsense, but very few people are ever given a reason to examine why they think that. It’s completely valid to feel frustrated, angry, disappointed, or hurt when someone devalues your relationship (or anything that’s important to you), especially when you care about that person.
If you would like to educate them from a safe distance so that you have minimal risk of coming off too strong, you might consider giving them a copy of More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, or The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. If you want to go even more casual (and free) than that, you could just drop them a link to MoreThanTwo.com or even the Polyamory section on Wikipedia, which is surprisingly depthy.
It can be very difficult to educate someone directly about a controversial subject when you have a personal stake in it. If you decide that you want to approach it that way, the best advice I can offer is advice I’d give when approaching any situation that rose from conflict. Start off gentle, avoid accusatory statements like, “You hurt my feelings because you think my relationship isn’t valid,” in favor of personal ones like, “I felt hurt by the way you spoke about my relationship, it felt to me like you were implying it wasn’t as good as a monogamous one,” and make it clear that your intention is to educate, not argue, because you weren’t angry, your feelings were hurt.
Either way, the most important thing here is that you’re happy with the relationship you have and that you would like for your friend to support you, which, in my opinion, is a fair thing to say to them verbatim.
I hope that helps, and I’m sorry it took me a minute to answer, I don’t tumble as much as I used to. :)