Ponderings with Luna

Ponderings is a blog about processing thoughts and feelings. I am creating this space to dive deeper into soul and connect with myself on levels I have yet to. In the lng run, I intend for this to grow into a collaborative podcast.

[ponderingswithluna]

This past weekend we had a full moon and lunar eclipse in Scorpio. I have been feeling very intentional and slow paced these past few days. I can see the miscommunication and technology issues with Mercury retrograde but they are quite manageable and I see them for what they are, which is nice. I’m noticing this moon phase a presence I’ve only experienced in short bursts before. This time it’s lasting and I am able to see the planets and transits in action and it’s allowing me to surrender to the flow. I’m also noticing a push for connecting with others and sharing experiences. I can’t say this is a collective energy but I personally have been trying to create conscious community and open doors to vulnerability and honesty with loved ones. There are some heavy energies being activated and I hope everyone is safe, with loved ones and feeling comfortable. I’m getting the vibe it’s time to buckle up? Secure yourself, ground yourself and try to encourage loved ones to do the same. Community and connection will be a key component to creating real change. -Luna anahata

[ponderingswithluna]

the sun feels warm on my face

There’s an expansion in my belly that feels different than before, like the drain has finally been unclogged. Breaths are deeper, faith is stronger, and my drive feels grounded and centered. Recently, I’ve been listening to my body more and sitting with my feelings instead of trying to take action to “resolve” them. This shift feels tied to a few things and one of them is planet alignment. I am feeling very activated to release what no longer serves me and the transition is smooth. Another is the intentions I’ve been nurturing for years are beginning to break through the soil. From these seeds, my intuition is blooming and circumstances and mindsets are beginning to shed. I’ve let go of trying to do things normally, I’ve let go of my need to understand and see my path and I was let go from my job that had no fulfillment in it, for me at least. Naturally there is a lot of fear surrounding being let go from my job. Security affects my mental health tremendously but I am noticing that a job that doesn’t uplift my soul is worse than not having a job. I’ve many a time been without a job and have tried to create something sustainable for myself but as I reflect, I see then my attempts were engulfed in fear and survival mode energy. What I’m noticing this time is there is an unusual calmness to my approach. I am writing with purpose, I am creating with purpose and I am recording with purpose. The purpose this time though is to show up organically and honestly, to do the damn thing just to do the damn thing. I am sharing from a true desire to create, express, and release without security at the front of my mind. Before, security was what led the party, with all my dreams and hopes following behind. They were present, but blocked by fear and a scarcity mindset. Now, I’m diving head first into the ocean. No lifeline, no back up, no what-ifs. I am choosing myself and my drive to express and create. If I really had to pinpoint what's pushing me towards myself, I’d say its the thought, “It’s now or never.” The crossroads are being presented with a clear view and I am choosing the path towards myself. I just started but I can say the sun is warm on my face again.

Luna Anahata

[ponderingswithluna]

some freewriting from class today

“What I love about writing is...”

Writing has changed my life completely. It has been my catalyst for self-discovery. There is power and potency within writing that many, sadly, never tap into. I feel school has affected written expression and hopefully the masses pick up a pen just to pick it up. Not in hopes of some prophetic writing which will alter their reality. I love writing for its ability to center in on what’s plaguing the mind. If there are feelings and cyclical thoughts that won't shut up, I promise writing it all out will release you of that incessant chatter, even if just momentarily. I love writing for its ability to ground me and connect me with my truth. It centers me and allows me to release the excess. The excess fear, the excess joy, the excess doubts. Taking pen to paper has changed my relationship with myself and the world. It has deepened my connection with spirit and gives me a lens into the intangible, the untouchable. Writing has a magic to it that is similar to spoken word. 

“What’s hard about writing is...”

What’s hard about writing is tapping into that thought juice and turning it into a solid fruit. There is such depth and complexity to thought and trying to pull those words, feelings, ideas to the surface is like fishing at night. You are peering into the dark sea, waiting for a glimmer to grab onto and pull to the surface. Sometimes you get a big fish, a juicy thought articulated so well you think, “Damn, this should get published,” and sometimes you get a little bit of seaweed that is nutritious, but very common. I’d say my biggest struggle with writing is doubt in myself. I struggle with really loving what I write but the fear others will judge or shame it overshadows that love. It’s hard because we all want to be accepted and heard but self-doubt seems to knock me down a peg and I don’t share what I’ve written. It’s hard articulating heaviness, constriction, tension, release, light-heartedness into words. Yes, I put it on the page but, do you feel those things? Have I stimulated a physical feeling, related to what I’m trying to express? That is what I find hard about writing, stimulating empathy.

“I would do more writing if...”

I would do more writing if my basic needs were met. If I had my own space, that I am comfortable and free to pursue my hobbies, I would write multiple times a day. This past winter I barely wrote, I had a series of heartbreaking losses in August 2021 and it created a disconnect between me and my feelings leading to me not being able to write. I had to survive this winter and keep my head above water and I wasn’t able to connect with myself like I usually do. This winter showed me how much not writing affects me and how when I’m forced into survival, I step into a scarcity mindset. “Not having enough,” is the energy of this mindset. So, I didn’t have enough time for myself. I am writing regularly again and the biggest influence of this is New moon in Aries and losing my job. The universe knew I couldn’t quit what was killing me so it cut the cord for me. I have time to write again and I am starting the journey back to myself, to my heart center. There is a story called La Loba that Clarissa Pinkola Estes shares in women who run with wolves. It’s a story about the woman in the desert who collects wolf bones and at night sings over them bringing them to life. When they wake and run toward the horizon, they laugh into women. The bones represent what makes us, us. I am collecting bones.

-Luna Anahata

[ponderingswithluna]

What Was the Last Story You Heard Called?

The past two weeks there has been a strong intuitive pull towards stories. There’s medicine asking to be digested in the myths and legends passed down the generations. Throughout this past week, I found myself coming across the same message:” the stories we tell create our reality. What story have you been telling everyone? What’s the tone?” This emphasis on personal story started to stir something within. I needed to hear stories of magical nature. There was an energy of youthful curiosity that would only be satiated by the phantasmal fairy tale. Sadly, modern day entertainment seems to depict magic mainly through visual media such as movies. I don’t remember the last time someone shared with me a myth or legend they recently heard, let alone sat down and told me the story in all its grandeur. I knew I could find the stories I seek in “Women Who Run with Wolves,” by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, but sadly I could not read while working and going to trade school. Thankfully though, podcasts are available and are reigniting the power of spoken word and storytelling. I was able to search for a variety of fables and quench this thirst for magic, mystery and medicine. And the medicine I received from listening has revealed how deep and important legends are. It takes community and connection for stories to be born and survive the sands of time. There is something encouraging and motivating that lives within stories and it cultivates a sense of hope and purpose. With these feelings in mind, I hosted a Full Moon celebration to connect consciously with loved ones. After a veggie-filled soup and some laughs, a group of lovely humans and myself sat around on the living room floor to share stories. Since probably elementary school, none of us have sat around to listen to stories told by another so it was new and a bit foreign to be doing it again as adults. After good conversation and getting a bit more comfortable, I began to read from “Women Who Run with Wolves.” The air shifted from a light jitterness to a deep presence. Even with my focus on the words, I could feel everyone’s deep listening. It’s hard to describe being in that place of conscious listening with so many people, fully present. We are all here, together, with this story... I would read another story and then tell one from memory I had heard this past week. Telling a story from memory was equally fun and challenging. Having to fill in the blanks and throw some improv in when a detail you forgot was crucial was difficult but expanding. As we do this more, I hope it expands into everyone sharing a story or two, one read and one from memory. For now, I am eternally grateful to have shared that space and experienced that energy with everyone who came. Storytelling with a group created a sense of divine connection that I wanted to try to share. Find stories, listen to them and listen well. So that when it’s time to share, you tell a story worth remembering and, if you’re lucky, sharing.

~Luna Anahata

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Not Always Love and Light; Shadows Exist Too.

Recently, I’ve been struggling with my inability to actualize my goals. There are so many things that pique my interest and inspire me. Reiki and natural healing are the fields I feel most drawn but I also  love writing and theorizing. I love physical movement like running and dancing, I love creation, art and metal work. I love community and networking, connecting and collaborating  together. There isn’t one direction my head swivels toward and at times it feels like it’s going to snap off before I actually commit to creating something. Society isn’t built for adventurers and explorers; they want slave workers, numb and depressed. They want workers so concerned with trying to survive they’re unable to pull their heads above water long enough to realize even drowning. I’m struggling to survive and on top of that I’ve been struggling to align with what pushes me higher, pushes me closer to myself and my soul..  It seems every step I’ve taken has been abruptly stopped short. Chaos seems to find me no matter how far I run. I read in a breakdown of my chart once that if I try to take the normal route, chaos will find me and stir the entirety of my existence. Normalcy isn’t in my path and I keep trying to force it in. The chaos keeps finding me and I feel I’ve been starting from square one my entire life. There isn’t a grand epiphany here, I guess I’m trying to say it’s been hard. And if you aren’t reaching your goals and feel a bit discouraged, you are not alone. It’s hard to exist in this reality right now. The state of Gaia, the economy, of humanity in general is pretty alarming and stress inducing. I think if you’re doing your best and showing up for yourself, that’s what’s being asked. Honor yourself and your heart, show up for yourself physically and metaphysically and it should all start to align. Blessings to you all, thank you for your time.

-Luna Anahata

[ponderingswithluna]

Release from the Burden of Self.

    Roles are expected to be performed and performed well. But what would happen if you began practicing stepping away from that role? What if you stepped out of the mold society, family, or peers pushed you into? To achieve this, I've slowly integrated a practice referred to as non-attachment. This practice can be applied to many areas of life like relationships or outcome and has helped me break free of the molds. In short terms, non-attachment is the releasing of our grip on defining every aspect of our lives. The more you try to define it, the more you confine it. This practice has strengthened my belief that I am a soul navigating the physical realm using the tools given to me: the body and the brain. I am bits and pieces of many things forming a mosaic of ME, all unique and separate but still intertwined. 

          During an exploration of divine interconnectedness, I came across a show called “Initiation with Matias De Stefano.” He was teaching about the different dimensions. He reaffirmed the idea that I am a multifaceted being trying to navigate the unknown. In one episode the host, Matias, had gone into a discussion on the purpose of life. During a channeled meditation Matias did, he asked his guides “what is the purpose of life?” The response Matias received was, “To learn things by doing things.” This simple statement had such an impact on my perspective of releasing attachment to self and outcome. This idea I resonate with, that life is valued and honored for simply being, felt so validated and understood by another human being. When another person comes to an idea or conclusion similar to yours when you two have no correlation, it feels like alignment. Like a divine wink at that theory you have. He would follow this with talking about ego and our need to identify and label everything. How releasing our attachment to the roles we perform can create a lot of freedom and self-compassion. 

       Non-attachment to identity allows one to not get caught up in what one “should” or “shouldn’t” be doing. There are no expectations put on someone to behave or show up a certain way. There’s a weight that comes with committing to the role given to you; people expect you to always perform it. If you break character, it’s likely you will be judged and questioned. Seldom questioned with care or curiosity, but always a bit of shame or guilt. When you release that hold on being a good person or being a hard worker, you also release those expectations to fulfill that role. You become just you doing your best to experience life. 

     When you aren’t attached to your role you are able to explore multitudes of hobbies and trades.  A belief that has combined with non-attachment is “do the thing to do the thing.” The results don’t matter, you don’t need to make a career out of every craft you try. Buy the canvas and paints and just barf out a painting. Go run or hike that trail you drive by and ponder daily. Obviously, be smart and paint where you won’t stain carpet, make sure you bring your phone and water bottle before hitting the trail, safety is important. Sometimes what holds people back is attachment to their role or to the outcome of an endeavor. Our fear will keep us in a box just so we aren’t persecuted for trying something that seems odd.

      As with all things, there is a line that can be crossed leading to overconsumption or radicalness. Within this journey I have struggled with opening my heart to possibilities out of fear of becoming “too” attached. This creates a feeling of unfulfillment and a disconnect from the heart center. I will neglect or avoid what I truly want to prevent disappointment. Cultivating self-awareness and balance to navigate these waters of non-attachment has made sailing much easier. One must be prepared for the fluidity in this practice for it can stir an uneasiness within, leaving one who needs grounding unstable. Self-reflection and awareness are integral to mapping your course with non-attachment. I’m learning there is a need to maintain some sense of self so I can function in society, but I am not a personality trait or work experience. On the hard days when I feel alone and like a drifter, it is self-reflection that creates an opportunity for non-attachment. I remind myself, “this moment isn’t forever and it isn’t who I am, I will find connection and community again soon.”

      This perspective has affected me in many ways, but the most impactful way is the freedom I’ve found from just letting go. Letting go of being the oldest sibling (surrogate mother) or a naturopathic doctor has allowed me to explore other realms like energy healing and metalcraft. The release of the burden of expectations and obligations creates a sense of relief that no amount of achievement in my lifetime would give me. This perspective has also changed my view on success. Success isn’t a job title or multitudes of expensive objects, success is freedom and peace of mind. Success is being able to remain compassionate when the world feels against you, success is being able to give with no expectations on receiving back. Success to me has become emotional maturity, not an accumulation of titles, awards or toys.

     As time goes on, I drift further and further from the confines of society's labels. I’m sure there’s many things I could be labeled as, I struggle to pick any. I resonate most with being a channel or vessel; but that is not an identity, simply an experience. Humans have so much more to them than their job or daily role. Most of us haven’t even been given a chance to try something we might like because our roles are so forced on us. People have been indoctrinated into this toxic belief that work is necessary for survival, but creativity is just as necessary.  I’ll be able to tell you who I am, probably in the last journal/book I write of my life. But at this time, I AM. And that is enough for me.

- Luna Anahata

[ponderingswithluna]

Where To Start

I was talking with my partner last night about where to begin the healing journey. and trying to pinpoint one singular starting point felt impossible and daunting. When I think about what kickstarted my healing journey what mostly comes to mind is me being fed up with complacency. There were behaviors and patterns that I no longer resonated with and honestly began to shame and judge. I was ready to outgrow these unhealthy tendencies like emotional reactivity, ghosting, growing distant to avoid conflict instead of communicating my emotions. I became aware of what was stagnant and unconscious and begun to do my best to accept things as they are and make conscious decisions when the moment presents an opportunity to. Say you’re driving down the road and you get cut off. Perhaps you have a history of road rage and before deciding to be more present, you would have honked your horn and cussed them out. Well, here you are now, being cut off and you feel the rage begin to fill. Pause. Acknowledge the rage and CHOOSE to breathe through it. CHOOSE not to behave the way you normally would out of emotional reactivity. It takes time and the cultivation of remaining present in moments of high emotions but eventually it becomes second nature to be conscious in each of our decisions. In short, I guess the place to start would be where you find complacency and stagnation; accept where you are in life and in each moment you’ll be presented an opportunity to do something differently than you have before.

Luna Anahata

[notwar8]

[ponderingswithluna]

Creating Something New.

Fear loves to surface when our hearts ignite. It’s like it can’t take the heat and is trying to squirm its way out of our body. To get through the discomfort of it all, one needs just a smidge of bravery and a lot of compassion. When you face fear directly (bravery,) it begins to morph into a scared child, and you begin to see yourself in them. When you see your inner child fearful of failure or commitment, you are given an opportunity to show compassion and walk together towards the goal. But before any of this, you must be able to recognize when you are letting fear override and that takes self-reflection and awareness. You must learn the feeling of fear and learn the feeling of excitement to know the difference. If you find yourself with lofty dreams but are struggling to actualize them, return to self and learn the cues of your body. Learning how to listen to your body deepens the connection to our intuition and instincts. Listening to your body will let you know if you’re headed in the direction aligned with your highest good. So, when creating something new, practice self-awareness through the process. When fear arrives, greet them at the door and hold their hand. Listen to it and decipher if it is intuitive warnings or just the fear of change and the unknown. Decide if those are waters you want to trek and if yes, take your time on the journey. Pay attention to waypoints and check in with yourself; ask if this is still the dream you want to actualize. It could have evolved into a new dream through your journey, and it is more than alright to reroute. Just don’t let fear drive the ship, you won’t make it out of the harbor. 

-Luna Anahata