Power in Meaning

I begin graduate school to earn my Ph.D. in Psychology and Law beginning in September 2014. The focus of my research is to alleviate (hopefully eliminate) prejudice and racism in the legal system. I want to live in a world where we spend more money on education than on prisons, a world where we love instead of damn, a world where we all get a fair chance.

[powerinmeaning]

Grad school wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't so overwhelmed with doing work for other people.  I am a TA for four classes which involves lots and lots of grading.  One class has 42 students, five 1,000 word papers, and then a large paper at the end of the semester.  Another class has the same amount of students and also has five assignments.  A third class I have to grade 25 students papers, with four due during the semester.  

I am in four classes, each requiring around 100 pages a week of reading with two page thoughtful responses for each of them.  Not to mention, my statistics homework takes hours and taking notes on that reading is crucial for my ability to retain any of the information.  I tried to spend most of my day reading today but ended up napping first because I am already sleep deprived.  Once I started reading it was impossible to concentrate because I was so stressed out about how much I had to get done.  

I am angry with grad school.  Almost to the point of tears.  Am I not supposed to have a boyfriend?  Is finding 90 minutes to work out and more than six hours of sleep selfish?  Am I supposed to be working from 9 am until midnight all week so that I can have a Saturday?  It's not fucking fair.  I don't hate grad school, but it breaks my heart what it is going to do to my life.  

[powerinmeaning]

I haven't had internet for over two weeks because my tree branches appear to be in the way for installation. No one wants to deal with it therefore I'm looking into renting a tall ladder and a chainsaw. I don't need no man 'round here, although my boyfriend may be disappointed that I didn't ask him. I'm impatient now. I can't blog!

[sandandglass]

[powerinmeaning]

If we don't do something, the military could be coming to a town near you too.  Don't stand for this. 

[afrobluess-deactivated20140925]

The Howard alumni who was shot in the head made a speedy recovery and she was able to tell her side of the story. The police said that it was a drive by conducted by a group of black men and that it was fatal. They didn’t expect her to survive and talk.

[houseofmack]

Listen.

[socimages]

Nope!

Brain studies find that concern for justice and equality is linked to logic, not emotion.

By Lisa Wade, PhD

A new study finds that people with high “justice sensitivity” are using logic, not emotions.  Subjects were put in a fMRI machine, one that measures ongoing brain activity and shown videos of people acting kindly or cruelly toward a homeless person.

Some respondents reacted more strongly than others — hence the high versus low justice sensitivity — and an analysis of the high sensitivity individuals’ brain activity showed that they were processing the images in the parts of the brain where logic and rationality live.   “Individuals who are sensitive to justice and fairness do not seem to be emotionally driven,” explained one of the scientists, “Rather, they are cognitively driven.”

Activists aren’t angry, they reasonably object to unjust circumstances that they understand all too well.

Image borrowed from Jamie Keiles at Teenagerie, who is a high sensitivity individual.

Lisa Wade is a professor of sociology at Occidental College and the author of Gender: Ideas, Interactions, Institutions, with Myra Marx Ferree. You can follow her on Twitter and Facebook.

[powerinmeaning]

I'm getting nervous for grad school. Tonight the thought crossed my mind that I could just be a full time investigator. That's dangerous to think about.

[powerinmeaning]

The most exciting part of packing was finding so many articles that may still be relevant to me for a thesis. We shall see.

[powerinmeaning]

I finally got the guts to ask Lloyd if we are going to continue to see each other after I move.  He said he hadn't planned on anything changing.  I have settled all of my business now.  All I have left to do is the physical move.  I am excited but anxious.  I don't know what to expect other than my life to get extremely hard.  My mentor said he doesn't doubt my ability to be a great graduate student and academic.  He even thinks I can do a better job than him.  I hope I live up to the hype.  Failure isn't an option for me, I don't know how to fail.  That scares me most because I may fail, and then what will my identity be then?  Would I just be a shell of the person I once was?

I can't think about that.  I will kick grad school's ass.  Also, I have someone I can lean on when shit gets hard.  I don't have to do it alone, even if he is 90 miles away.  And I have some great friends, some of which are in school now for the same things I am going for.  The Universe will take care of me, I can feel it.  

[powerinmeaning]

Sleep, Sleep, and More Sleep.

Today I woke up at 11 and then took a nap from 1 until 4.  I think from 9 until 11 I hit snooze every 9 minutes and then I hit snooze from 2 until 4.  I don't think I did this because I was tired, I did this because that feeling of "I have 9 more minutes" was sensational.  

[powerinmeaning]

Accepting more student loan money

At first I was thinking this is a bad idea, another $16,000 is really bad:

But then I thought what it will be like to tell my parents I don't need money from them during grad school: 

And I won't have to struggle every month to buy health food:

Staying healthy during graduate school is really important to me.  I don't do well when I don't sleep enough, eat right, or exercise.  I understand sleep may sometimes be out of my control, but the other two I will not wiggle on. Good luck to me.

[powerinmeaning]

Last night I jokingly said to Lloyd: "Someday you'll like me back." He said "I like you a lot, like a 9.3 out of 10." :)

[powerinmeaning]

This. I am a defender of the public. Speaker: "Why do you do what you do?" Investigator: "Money." Me: "To advocate for those who cannot advocate for themselves."

[powerinmeaning]

I went to the jail today and saw two of my clients.  One client that I have worked closely with has been struggling because I have cut back on the time I spend with him.  I had to remind him that I won't always be here and that he has to go to prison alone.

 I worry what will become of him when I won't be there.  I worry enough that I wonder if it is worth getting a P.O. box so he can write me.  What worries me is that he will be forced to be released in the same community that got him in this situation.  This is just another example of how the system has failed.  What sense does it make to not give inmates opportunities to relocate somehow, particularly gang members?  I think if he went somewhere else, anywhere else, he would be fine.  I wish I could say "You know what, in 30 years just find me, I will give you opportunity to reinvent yourself so that you can have a life outside of everything you know."  

But, that would be naive given the hundreds of other obstacles he will face on the outside.  Who is to say he will be able to get a job with a felony record and a lengthy prison sentence?  Also, who leaves prison after 30 years and just happens to be fine?  How can I trust that the system didn't help to create someone I should fear?  Maybe I should fear him anyway for the things that he allegedly has done, but that isn't the person that I am.  I believe in everyone.  I believe that where there is darkness, you must drag everyone into the light.  If I don't believe that, then what the fuck is it that I think I am doing?  What would I be trying to accomplish?  

[powerinmeaning]

I was waiting to see a house and the current tenant came outside. Real sassy lady! I decided to live two blocks away from her. #wyoming #laramie #laradise #nature #deer #wildlife #rockymountains

[powerinmeaning]

When I am trying to think of research ideas after a year out of school

[powerinmeaning]

Just did some investigating of my own.  It is amazing how much information I can find out about a person by searching for their demographics on dating websites.  My stalker has moved back to Pueblo and out of Laramie.  My little house on the prairie isn't as scary anymore.  WOOOOOOOOOOOOO what a relief!!!!!!!!  Now I can just be afraid of people I don't know, monsters, aliens, Bigfoot, bugs, animals, super volcanos, tornados, and other things that happen to small homes on little prairies!  

[powerinmeaning]

I found a cute little house on 3/4 acre. I'm so excited to live there. My roommate, who gave me 20 days to find a house and gtfo, had once offered me a couch to sleep on so I could work in August. Yesterday he didn't recall that and essentially told me to fuck off. My man friend/ significant other/ person said he's reluctant to offer me a place to crash for a few weeks because he has a 13 year-old son. I understand that on some level, I don't have children so I can't fully understand it, but regardless, this means I'll be broke and have to quit my jobs in two weeks after losing $2,400 to move in. But I have a cute house to move in and make my home. I'm excited to make new friends, expand my mind, and feel that wholesomeness of feeling like I have the opportunity to do and be something meaningful. SCIENCE!