nobodies first choice. jennifer/25

trying things out here

[pretendhead]

it took two years of solitude for you to be presented to me

the first year was strange

i was remembering who i could be alone

i met new friends

lost some

tried new things

learned about myself

started forgiving myself

the second year was fast

i took care of myself

i thought about myself more

and i wonder about you all the time now

when you’re not here i’m sad

and when you’re with me i’m not sure what to do

i’m remembering what it means to be important to someone

i’m wondering what it means to be important to you

please let this last

please

i’ll do whatever i can

i’ve barely had you and i don’t want you to go

i’m ready for the fights

i’m ready for the tough decisions

because

well

you make them seem less intimidating

so please

let’s keep going

let’s keep trying

i know one day i’ll get upset at you

and you’ll be mad at me

but i’m hoping that night

we both crawl back into each other

say we didn’t mean it

but then say we did

find the common ground

and go to bed with your arms around me

we’ll wake up and feel tougher

i want to become hardened with you

i think you’re someone i want for the hard things

will you let me be there for you?

[pretendhead]

none of it matters

what i did today

what i said

none of it matters

what my life will become

what mistakes i will make

none of it matters

none of it matters

none of it matters

none of it matters

what becomes of me in the end

what becomes of us in the end

it won’t change the world

it won’t change what happens

none of it matters

i’ll live today

then i’ll live tomorrow

i already accomplished yesterday

none of it matters

[pretendhead]

one day you’ll truly be gone

no one will remember you

no one will have known you

i’m mourning that death now

no longer mourning your physical one

the one that happened

but this next one

where no one knows your laugh

your words

your person

your love

where no one will know how much it hurt me

when you passed

how for years i still cried

and just when it starts to stop

it happens all over again

[pretendhead]

last night you put your head on my chest

you listened to my heartbeat

i can’t remember the last time someone did that

if anyone ever has

i told you i could feel yours on my stomach

you laughed

so did i

you said you liked the sound of my heart

that you want to be the only person i think about

that i make you happy

it’s new

it’s so new

i’m not sure what it will amount to

if it will burn bright and fast

or if the fire will need stoking

and the embers will still be there glowing the next day

i’m not sure

but it’s cute

so i don’t worry

[pretendhead]

Is it bad that I don’t think I want to get married? Is it bad that I don’t think I want to be in a relationship ever again? I’m not sure why I am having these thoughts, but today it all just sort of hit me head on, and I can’t stop thinking about what I actually want for my life. Maybe it’s just too much time spent alone, but it seems like every time a man wants to meet up with me I panic and think about how much I don’t want to actually do that. The idea of caring for someone whom I probably won’t even love the way they love me seems concerning at this point. I thought for so long what I wanted was to be loved and thought about, but now I like this animosity that I have curated for myself. I like being able to just be alone, and be flexible for other people.

The idea of being in a relationship with someone is so daunting and almost overwhelming to me right now. I’m so selfish though as I keep trying to find men on the internet, and for really what reason? I’m being vain and conceited by finding the ones that will match with me, but then when it finally comes down to actually accomplishing these tasks such as meeting one of them I don’t want to do it. I want to continue to hide behind my phone until it becomes a second attachment of my body, where then I will just continue to hide behind the realness that is my life. Being out here with no one who really knows me gives me just a blanket of comfort that I can really just do what ever I please without having to worry how it affects other people, which is so shamefully selfish.

Maybe what it comes down to is that I am selfish and don’t really see a future for myself with anyone. I care about my friends and parents and that’s really it. I like being alone. I like sleeping alone. I like eating meals alone. I like being able to host a friend and there isn’t the expectation of any sort of romantic interest between us. I don’t have to worry about pleasuring someone because I can pleasure myself just fine. Sure there are material and physical things I miss from a relationship, but I never liked the other parts of it. I don’t want to share my life with some person when I just enjoy sharing it with myself.

But maybe at the end of all of this I just can't comprehend that my own existence can matter to others.

[pretendhead]

i want to be there for you

but i’ve started to not understand you

we pull away from each other

like the sea pulling back from the shore

you keep changing faster than i can imagine

you’ve become the best version of yourself

and i’m

well

i’m stuck somewhere five years past

i’m clinging to who we used to be

the thought that were different

that we might not get along like we used to

it scares me

but i love you too much to not let you

so become as big as a tree

ever growing and winding through the skies i look up at

so even when i’m not sure

my place in your life is uncertain

i know that i never held you down

when i look up at the trees i’ll know you became as large as you can be

[pretendhead]

do you remember the plans we would make?

how you said you would come over

spend time with me

get to know me

you would tell me what we would do

what you like

and i’d prepare myself

i’d pull out every unsatisfactory hair

pinch and squeeze at my skin

put myself through minor pain

wipe down every surface

make my space look better than i let it look for myself

do you remember that?

i would wait all week for that faithful day to come around

my whole life would revolve around you for that day

and i’d ask

when are you leaving?

and you’d open the message

read it

and leave me there

you’d say something vague

and keep about yourself

and i’d wonder when you would arrive

something that would never happen

again

again

again

you played with my life

watched me turn it around for you

only for you to never arrive

but you would say something to make up for it the next day

and i thought it was fine

but

you didn’t account for me following through with you

you had me meet your family

your friends

you had me do everything like that

you’d call me on your way home

talk to me for an hour

but i was what?

just a body

just someone for you to manipulate

at the end i had grown tired

i allowed myself to prioritize someone who didn’t care about me

we never truly said goodbye

i just stopped responding

like you did to me

on those days you were supposed to be here

do you remember this?

[pretendhead]

if i could i would have stayed with you until the end

i would have let you tear me down and build me again and again

let you drink my own water before taking some for myself

given you the shirt i wanted to wear just so you could have it

i would have done all of it for you

but that was me then

me before i got to know you

me before i saw who you really were

me before i realized all of those feelings were fleeting

but that doesn’t mean they weren’t genuine

it means i grew up

grew out of your reach

tall and wide and seeking new things

and you just couldn’t keep up

[pretendhead]

i am constantly trying to hold onto moments

moments that i thought i would never chase

they are times i've only heard about longing for

but i was in them when i was told i would miss them

i never understood that

how could i miss it

i was in it

i was right there

but i get it now

if i could grab a memory to relive i would

now i just hold onto the ones that come back to me at random

the smell of the air before summer

the sounds of birds in early fall mornings

a sunny day on the coldest of winter

spring mornings that feel hopeful

those are the memories i get to relive

[pretendhead]

i want to experience romantic love

i want it to hurt me

make me angry

make me blissful

make me tear at my own skin

i want it to change the course of my life

i’m not sure if i ever will

but if i do

i’ll tell you how it is

so when it happens for you

you won’t be scared

unprepared

you’ll be able to love that person with such ease

and that will be enough for me

[pretendhead]

i hope we never grow apart

i hope there isn’t a day where i wonder what your life is like

what you’re cooking for dinner

what friends you saw that week

because

if that ever happened

well i hope i wouldn’t be around

i don’t want to know what my life would be like without you

it’s worth every fight

every laugh

every cry

so please

just don’t leave me yet

at least not until i’m gone

[pretendhead]

i’m dreaming of a time when it’s still summer

i’m ten years old

i’m nearing the end of my childhood

i spent a whole summer

swimming

going to dance class

loving my friends

and when i wake up

i’ll still be twenty five

i’ll still be alone

i’ll still be getting ready for work

but

there

in the back of my mind

a part of me has finally learned

understands

what they meant when people would tell me to savor my youth

to savor a time

when expectations didn’t exist yet

when the hardest decision was popsicle to lick on the deck

when i still didn’t know what it meant to be sad

what it would be like to watch those friends leave my life

growing is hard

because change is hard

[michaellangdons]

Spirited Away (2001) dir. Hayao Miyazaki

[tennant]

Hereditary (2018) // Midsommar (2019), dir. Ari Aster

[hoe4byron]

sorry bro can't go out tonight. i'm stuck in an eternal state of melancholy

[lavalamps]

[mienar]

animation + painting practice of food!

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