I WAS WRONG

personal entries merlyfe.tumblr.com

[eyesofwolf94]

[preyintruth]

The last time I prayed to god, I asked for strength like most people do. I was sitting at a lake by a church, just down the street from my house. I begged god to help find relief. My only escape was through self harm, and I wanted it to end. Of course, in the end I took to the blade. 8/9/15 2:00am

[preyintruth]

I learn that one thing only is more tragic than suffering, and that is the life of a happy man.

Albert Camus, Myth of Sisyphus 

[preyintruth]

Berthe Morisot French (1841–1895)Reading (La Lecture)1888Oil on canvas

     Impressionist in the late 19th century, sought to express the world in a subjective perception; rejecting art academies, and the idea of a fully rendered subject. Focus was placed on heavy brush strokes, and the experimentation with color. In Berthe Morisot’s “ La Lecture” the viewer notices heavy handed strokes, and contrast in color and light. The girl placed in the center of the frame, is rendered in glowing yellows, with reflected blues. Around the young girl is dark chaotic background drenched in blues and greens. With a closer look the viewer notices that the harsh surrounding is a simple room- seemingly harmless.  The girl is unbothered by the shades of the room as she dives into the pages of her book. The hands holding the book, and the face so carefully  examining it, is rendered patiently. This shows the contrast between the innocents of the young girl, and the world as the viewer knows it.  Strokes of blue slash into her blouse, almost to shamefully express the inevitable; but there are hints of yellow within this dark room, showing that she also reflects her light. 

[preyintruth]

I’m tired. I hate feeling the way that I do. I have felt this way my entire life. The only difference is that I learned how to distract myself from my own mind.  The past few months have been impossible in doing so. I read that a great way in moving forward with depression/anxiety is telling loved ones about it-asking for help. When I did I was right in their reactions. I made everyone extremely uncomfortable, and no one wanted too talk about it. Just made it worse. I felt/ feel so alone. 

The thing is I dont want to be sad, I fucking hate it. I wanted to change instead of just covering it all up. Unfortunately I’ve realized that I was right. People can not handle these types of conversations. 

I’m going to have to find the strength too distract the hell out of myself until I can get real professional help. I cant keep ignoring the truth. I dont want to feel this way when facing the truth. 

I have to do it. I have to make myself happy. Even if it fake, I have to do it. I have to try and hold out as long as I can. I have done it before I can do it again. I think. I know I’m going to fall back into this cycle until I get help. I just hope I can get that help before I want to kill myself again

6/24/2015 4:17 am

[preyintruth]

My friend was watching a video, so I decided to sit and see what it was. I was surprised at the content, it’s not something she would normally watch. At first I was worried at the fact that it reminded me of how I grew up. I thought of the kids, how insane the situation was. I thought of how the children felt, how they probably felt they deserved it. Then something even more shocking happened. I broke down. I felt like I was eight again. Hiding from them trying to protect myself. Knowing that if I didn’t take the pain now, it would just be worse later. I heard every word as theirs. Everything they would say to me. I could feel it. I could hear the piercing of the screams, and heat of their breathe on my face. I could smell the the stench of that apartment. I was there again, and I felt just as helpless as ever. I quietly left the room and ran outside. I kneeled down, and firmly covered my ears. my hands were shacking, and I was nearly screaming. Just like it was that’s never happened before. Whenever I think of what has happened I just except it. Move on. This is was diffrent. I just re lived it. I’m scared my past will haunt me forever. I thought I was stronger then that.

6/18/2015 3:39 a.m.

[preyintruth]

I've always felt that I thought of things a little different. I vowed that I would never be an artist. I could have a creative idea, but never artistic. I wanted to be a biologist, understand the amazement of this life. Nothing excites me more then that. I was turned off by the art world while in an art program. Cyclically I was turned off by stem field in college. I'm lost. I'm realizing I'm neither an artist nor a scientist. - what I am. I no longer know. Both subject mean so much to me. They mean too much to me. I talk to piers within both fields, and just become disapointed. Though I am not well skilled, or highly knowledgeable- I truly feel that I understand the essence of the arts and science. [....] I think I'm hiding from myself. I can't say for sure. 6/4/2015 4:07 a.m.

[preyintruth]

I pray this will fade

5/24/2015 12:59p.m.

[pahbow-blog]

Akio, CyberTween; Madipk 2015

This kiddo on the internet bugs the shit out of me. He’s obsessed with Momotarō, lilac wine, and his “condition”. don’t fall for pretentious assholes with thick accents over skype. we dont talk atall anymore. this so embarrassing woops.

[pahbow-blog]

S!LLY M3, CyberTWeen; Madipk 2015

I have a hard time with boys. I haven’t had a boyfriend in yrs. I might as well just rule that guy out 2. I just feel like that one really ruined it for everyone. He doesn’t have control over me, but I have this fake barrier I created. So i just, need control- I have no control. oh well silly me

[preyintruth]

why am I so afraid of someone who doesn't matter anymore ? 

5/31/2015 1:10 am

[pahbow-blog]

Seul, Cybertween; Madi pk 

 I mean tbh, i really wanted 2 date him.  Funny story, he rejected the hell out of me. Its whatever, we still talk sometimes tho. I just don’t feel so alone around him. i aint mad really. I’ll just sit here alone I guess. 

[preyintruth]

I wish I could tell you how happy you make me

5/31/2015 1:11 am

[preyintruth]

I pray this will fade

5/24/2015 12:59p.m.

[preyintruth]

This kid came through my line today, he sounded just like you. I felt everything all over again, and hated every minute […] It’s one thing to know I can never listen to certain music, or admired those artists- but When he said my name, I knew you had taken much more. No one says my name like you did, and he mimicked the sound perfectly. I couldn’t even bare to hear my own name. You’ve taken my core.

5/23/2015 11:14p.m

[preyintruth]

Jacques-Emile Blanche French (1861–1942)Contemplation1883 Oil on canvas

    Contemplation. A gaze that remains forever unsettling, and left unknown. When examining the piece in its entirety, one is drawn to her delicate hands. This emphasis is only lived through the detail placed on the form. She leans over the table, demanding attention-her presence is known. looking to her eyes in recognition is impossible. Her eyes are smudged, creating a barrier between the viewer and subject. Blurred eyes censors what she has said; body language suggests what’s too come.      I wonder why Blanche decides to focus on her hands rather than the eyes and consider the task. In order to fully develop her eyes, Blanche would have to then recognize her.  I imagine the difficulty of that with such intimidation. This moment captures the instant of waiting for a response.  Left hand extending forward, right grasping a fan. The tension is unbearable,   awkwardness I can not explain.   Rather than acknowledging her, she is dismissed. Blanche allows himself time through the distraction of her gentle hands. The viewer is hangs for a response; this we will never know, forever living in contemplation. 

[preyintruth]

Lamentations 1:12

[preyintruth]

I’m afraid of failing. It’s easier to have no responsibility. 

5/17/2015 1:11 am

[preyintruth]

I will no longer feel sorry for what I could not control.

5/16/2015 12:22 am

[preyintrutth]

Dare I say it 5/14/2015 1:27am