You can find Juwi at JuwitheMad.wordpress.com
GREETINGS! I’m Juwi and I’m going to burst your wonderful romanticized bubbles of what Britain is like.
First things first: a geography lesson
Great Britain= 3 countries (Scotland, England & Wales)
United Kingdom = 4 countries (Scotland, England, Wales & Northern Ireland)
Republic of Ireland-its own country. Not part of the UK
I do live in London but no…London isn’t the ONLY city in the UK I mean you HAVE heard of Manchester (Manchester Utd?) and Edinburgh has PANDAS in their zoo. Also Bath is where Jane Austen is from and Cardiff is wear they film a lot of stuff. J.K.Rowling is from Scotland. Yes that’s right Harry Potter is British.
Whenever I go to South Africa and meet new people this is how the conversation usually goes:
Me: yeah I live in London
Person: OMG YOU LIVE IN LONDON. HAVE YOU MET THE QUEEN? HAVE YOU SEEN ONE DIRECTION? I JUST LOVE YOUR ACCENT
Me: um I don’t really have an accent and no I haven’t met the queen or One Direction.
SADLY I HAVE NOT BEEN INVITED TO HAVE TEA WITH THE QUEEN AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE. She thinks we’re all peasants. (just kidding. I don’t know…maybe she does. All I know is she really loves her corgis)
I haven’t met One Direction (thankfully); but sadly I have yet to bump into any other celebrity like Tom Hiddleston (Loki) or Dan Howell (danisnotonfire) or Sam Claflin (Finnick) on the tube.
No they don’t all look like Alex Pettyfer or Max Irons. DO YOU THINK GREAT BRITAIN IS FULL OF MODELS? Well there are lots of models but the Average Joe is not a model I’ll; have you know. Luckily for me I live in London so I can go to Oxford Street and see cute guys (if I’m lucky). So it’s not like you can just walk on the street and randomly bump into this amazingly well dressed guy who is intelligent and has this charming smile and whatnot. No. That ONLY HAPPENS IN BOOKS. AND MOVIES.
Excuse you but no YOU DO NOT LIKE ‘BRITISH’ ACCENTS you like the ‘English’ accent and by that I mean the ‘proper’…Queen’s English.
Hate to burst your bubble but I’m pretty sure like 2% of the population (not an actual statistic) speaks with that posh accent…
When people say they like the South African accent they aren’t talking about the Joburg accent. No offence. When people say they like the American accent I’m pretty sure they aint talking about the southern accent ya’ll.
So let’s get this straight. We all know the UK is huge. Do you like the Scottish accent? Because that is British. Or maybe have you heard the Scouser accent (Liverpool)…I’m sure you’d LOVE the Geordie accent (Newcastle). No seriously you should meet a chav or someone from ‘up north’ and then tell me how much you love the ‘British’ accent. (I don’t mean to insult you just say you love the Posh English Accent).
Something they don’t tell you about London: Pigeons. If you love pigeons, London is the place to be. I mean we even have seagulls AND THERE IS NO SEA…just the River Thames (you can go on boat rides woop). Like I remember in school the pigeons and seagulls used to just hover around us waiting for our food. Gross. There are lots of hovering pigeons. You have been warned.
The great thing about London is THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING TO DO. Sure I love staying at home with my laptop and books and cat and food but hey ho I can go out and watch a musical or go to the cinema or go for a walk in the park or go to a museum. There is always something going on, some event, premieres, concerts, book events, and festivals whatever you are interested there’s probably something you’ll find to do. Not everyone goes out drinking every night. Okay a lot of people do but I guess that is part of ‘British Culture’.
Ah Tea. We love our tea. Not everyone but usually people will feel better once you give them a nice ‘cuppa’. But then it’s also about being a tea snob and which brand of tea do you prefer? Tetley? PG tips? Twinings? I’m more of a green tea and jasmine girl myself (black with honey-how pretentious of me).
There’s a NEW boy band in town. They actually PLAY instruments. The Vamps (Brad, Connor, James and Tristan) They’re pretty cool. Check out their song Can We Dance. Also Lawson are another cool band. I mean there ARE other people you’ve heard of apart from One Direction right? Ed Sheeran is one of the coolest most awesome musicians out there right now (I don’t care if he is ginger!) I mean you’ve obviously heard of Adele right? She’s British as well as Ellie Goulding. So we have some pretty cool musicians who are not 1D.
Some British Authors you may (or may not) know: J.K.Rowling (Harry Potter), C.S.Lewis (The Chronicles of Narnia), Roald Dhal, Enid Blyton, Louise Rennison (Georgia Nicholson series), Malorie Blackman (Noughts and Crosses), Patrick Ness (Chaos Walking trilogy), Neil Gaiman (Stardust), Ian McEwan (Atonement) and Alexander McCall Smith (The No.1 Ladies Detective Agency) to name a few.
I can’t write a post about ‘British’ things and NOT talk about the weather. So I live in London. It rains. A lot. I’m surprised it’s not raining right now to be honest.
If it’s not raining it’s dull. Like full cloud cover no sun no blue sky nothing just dull grey to match the dull grey buildings. Lovely. I like to wear bright clothes in winter sometimes to bring colour to the dreary streets. And I have a cute blue umbrella.
But umbrellas…they can POKE YOU IN THE EYE but also BETRAY YOU. If there are gale force winds YOUR UMBRELLA IS NO MATCH FOR MOTHER NATURE. On days like those you see many discarded umbrellas in the bin. It’s quite sad really.
Winter. Ah winter…those months from December till February (then again this year it snowed in April). The thing about snow is that it’s all fun and games until you’re actually IN it. Oohh pretty snowflakes like each one is unique wow and that’s all great from the comfort of your heated home. But once you step outside even if you are wearing five layers and thermals and wellies (wellington boots) and 2 pairs of gloves. It’s cold. It’s freezing. IT IS SNOWING. You try to make a perfect snowball but alas it won’t form a ball and your gloves get wet and the cold starts to seep in and then your fingers start to get numb. By this point you can barely feel your nose. DO I HAVE A NOSE? AM I VOLDEMORT? (These are the questions I tend to ask myself. This is what the cold does to me…)
So I AM SORRY (not sorry) to burst your bubbles. Snow isn’t that great. Making a snowman is fun but like when it all melts it turns to black sludge, which is gross, and I feel like a penguin whenever I walk because it’s more like an awkward waddle and then the fear of slipping it’s just not good.
Okay I’ve babbled enough. I shall leave you with some tips on how to be ‘British’. Yeah maybe wearing a trilby and talking about how much you love Zara and Topshop might work but it’s all about the slang.
British Slang: (not everyone uses such words, some are specific to South London while others are used all over)
Trousers- pants (funny story. I moved here when I was 8 and I said to this girl ‘oh and I have these LOVELY new PANTS and the look of horror on her face. And then MY FACE when I figured out pants was UNDERWEAR!)
Trainers- takkies/sneakers
Knackered-tired/exhausted
innit- isn’t it (innit bruv/blud)
Crisps- potato crisps (walkers crisps are like lays)
Chat up-pick up/flirt (chat up lines)
Bits n bobs- random/various things
Chav- white trash (ginormous gold hoop earrings, likely to live in a council flat, wears tracksuits, loves Primark, shops in Iceland, only speaks slang- MASSIVE STEREOTYPE)
Bob’s your uncle- there you go (and Robert’s your father’s brother)
Nicked- stolen (he nicked my pen)
Nutter/bonkers/mental -crazy person (see Dizzie Rascal’s song ‘bonkers’)
Quid- £ (some people say you got a fiver (£5))
Fancy- like (‘I fancy him’)
Bagsie- dibbs (bagsie the window seat)
Ketchup- tomato sauce (HEINZ KECTHUP IS THE BEST OKAY)
Chap-bloke/guy (‘old chap’)
Cheers- thank you (everyone says this)
Chippy- fish and chip shop (off to the chippy)
Chucking it down –pouring with rain (a term used frequently)
Dodgy- shady/suspicious (he’s a bit dodgy standing in that corner…’
Fizzy drinks- carbonated drinks (sprite/coke etc )
Fringe- bangs (I think I might get a fringe)
Grass- snitch (don’t be such a grass)
Gob- mouth ‘(shut your gob’)
Gutted- thoroughly disappointed
Jim jams- pyjamas (I’m gonna put my jim jams on)
Jolly- very (jolly good old chap)
Jumper- sweater (autumn and winter is jumper season. Ooh I love Christmas jumpers!)
Leg it- run away (and then we had to leg it)
Chinwag- talk (I love this word so much)
Nip- pop ‘(nip to the shops’)
oi/oy- hey ( ‘oi you’, ‘oi fam’ to get someone’s attention…usually someone you know)
fam- your peeps/see them as family (also famalam)
Choong Ting- pretty/hot/beautiful/sexy (she’s choong ting innit blud)- I don’t know if people still say this. I never did.
Fit-hot/sexually attractive (omg he’s so fit)
Snap- ditto (me too/same)
Taking the piss- making fun of
Waffle- ramble (and the food)
Alright love- how are you
Typical chav phrases: ‘why are you looking at me though’ ‘did I ask you to talk?’ ‘are you staring at me? ‘I didn’t do nofink’ ‘can I aks you sumfink?’ ‘u wot mate?’ ‘nah mate’ ‘can I borrow 50p?’
Sometimes you’ll see a Chav drinking a whole carton of juice on the bus and eating a packet of crisps for breakfast.
So all in all your British stereotypes make me laugh and if you DO meet a ‘typical English gentleman’ please do let me know.
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