Things were relatively silent between Barry and Caitlin and they both hated it. Neither made a move to address anything and now things were awkward between them.
After checking Maggie to see if she was asleep, Barry turned out early for the night and barely looked in Caitlin's direction, leaving the room with an unsettling feeling in his stomach. Caitlin was aware Barry checked on her and frowned. Things were weird alright, and Caitlin had a feeling they were only going to be weirder as the weeks went on.
She knew her way around the house to finish getting settled in. The room she stayed in was plain and needed some life. But right now she wasn't feeling up to doing much of anything. She went through the motions of getting ready for bed. She figured she had to sleep if she was going to keep a level head the next day. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath as she put away the last of her clothes from the suitcase.
She slipped over the covers and leaned over to turn off the lamp on the night stand. She crawled inside the covers, pulling them below her chin. She was feeling a slight draft but she didn't want to say anything and did her best to fade away for the night.
Barry was the first one to wake up, like always. Coming into Maggie's room, lightly touching her her face until she opened her eyes but not without some grumbling from her end. Barry told her that he put chocolate chips in the pancakes and that did the trick.
She had her morning ritual and Barry was patient with her antics. She was due at her day care center at 7am. They were more or less late and Maggie always wanted to take her time getting ready. Barry concluded that she was stalling because she loved to stay home and play as opposed to being an environment that she didn't like that much. Barry knew he was raising an introvert as time went on and he accepted it.
After driving Maggie to the day care he drove back and realized he never told Caitlin about today. He hoped she wouldn't mind. Maggie spent most of Saturday at the center then around the middle of the day Barry, very rarely was it Adele, would pick her up. It was a weekly routine.
Barry bit his lip and opened the door, closing it behind. Just as he was shrugging his jacket off Caitlin came downstairs fully dressed, her hair was pulled off to the side in a soft braid. Barry's hand was aching to touch the gentle strands of hair that fell from it but he came back to himself. Caitlin gave a kind smile and he returned it back.
"Morning."
"Good morning, oh...where's Maggie?" Caitlin asked, her brow raising.
"She's at day care; preschool. She goes every Saturday around 7am. I'm sorry for not telling you."
Caitlin paid it no mind, she raised her shoulders, "It's OK, well, was sort of hoping to spend some time with her today."
Barry nodded. "You will. Her time there is until the afternoon. I have to go into work soon. I made breakfast. I can meet you in the kitchen."
Caitlin smiled. "Sure, thank you."
Caitlin took a plate and served herself some food, it all smelled good. Barry clearly knew what he was doing. She can't imagine how many times he has cooked for Maggie on his own, when his Grandma wasn't around to help. She watched him read the paper and sip from his coffee, he somehow looked older to her. Very strange. She shrugged and began eating silently.
Maybe it was just her but she had a feeling Barry wanted to say something, possibly about last night, the weird behavior was on both sides. Maybe if they don't mention it then things wouldn't be so awkward as they are now. The only sounds heard were Barry sipping his coffee and Caitlin's chewing.
She suddenly stopped to take a drink of juice and sat back, her breathing sped up and Barry noticed. He looked at her and placed his attention right back on the paper. Maybe if he ignored the elephant in the room, then it never happened. Things were growing tense and before Caitlin knew it, she found herself staring at Barry. He flipped over the paper, acting like he was reading the articles but bit his lip. He could feel her eyes siring his skin.
"Look, Barry, I—" He stared at her finally, fearing her next words. "I don't want things to be weird between us."
He nodded. "Yeah," he dropped the paper, "It's not, is it?"
She didn't look too sure. "I just don't want silences like this. It feels like there's distance now. I don't want it to be that way."
"You're right." he began. "It won't be," he didn't want to do it but he felt it come up, "I'm sorry about last night. If I did something, said something to hurt you, I apologize."
Caitlin mulled over his apology and felt even more upset. She couldn't allow herself to believe he wouldn't care about her completely. She was his caretaker, he had to trust her. She was slightly mad that he apologized, not because he upset her, but because she was feeling something she shouldn't, something she saw in Barry's eyes beyond just being polite.
He didn't hurt her, it was the opposite. The euphoria was hitting her full force and she stood up to take her plate to the sink. She rinsed it and placed it in the dishwasher.
She turned around with a smile on her face. "No worries. Do you have a list of things for today?"
Barry didn't buy this act but he left it alone, for now. "Yeah, let me go get it."
Caitlin was glad Barry didn't press her, but she wasn't out of the woods yet. She lived with him now, there was no way they were going to keep pretending everything is OK for long. She hoped that he wouldn't treat this as anything beyond just a job.
Barry appeared holding a short piece of paper. "Hey, umm, this is it for now. Not including picking Maggie up from day care."
Caitlin nodded as she checked out the list. "Thanks. When are you leaving for work?"
"Soon, probably in twenty minutes. Do you have any questions or...?"
Caitlin shook her head almost instantly. "No, it's pretty clear."
"Great." Barry backed away and waved her off as he jogged upstairs.
Caitlin hesitated before taking another look at the list. If she got started now then she would be better off. Barry made sure to give her simple chores until she picked Maggie up at noon.
And that's just what she did, she pulled her hair up out of her face and began work. She tried not to think about what happened last night but the memory was too fresh on her mind. Maybe if she distracted herself with her playlist she'd finish most of the list before Barry came back. She did have a few hours before he was coming back to collect Maggie, it gave her plenty of time.
Even though she felt at home here it still had a strange feeling to it. Like so much has happened here, so much she didn't know happened; or Barry wouldn't share with her or what's maybe more challenging, he would. She noticed all or most of the pictures were of Maggie and Adele, same with Barry throughout the years. No trace of another family member, a few she noticed had an older man which she assumed was Adele's husband, they looked close and he didn't look so well.
Caitlin supposed Barry didn't want to keep pictures of Maggie's mother around to not trigger her emotions. She still had no idea what happened but she can't assume it was good memories from the complete erasure of her mother. Perhaps Barry had pictures but they were hidden in a box. Maybe for a day when Maggie would ask about her mother, Barry would go into the one box that kept those pictures, but something told her she didn't think he would do that. Barry stricken her as the type of person who would try to keep the peace even if his child wanted to see images of her mother; he would more than likely shield her from the inevitable hurt and pain those images caused; maybe from his standpoint.
Caitlin was speculating more than she should and she tried to focus on the next task after the dusting. She turned up the volume on her playlist and drowned out any and all thoughts of curiosity from the Allen family history. Sure, she presumed she might grow closer to the family, but to involve herself personally, ask every single question circling her mind, that was overstepping her bounds. Nannies don't necessarily need to involve themselves more than just employee, she had to keep reminding herself of that as she moved to the kitchen and began working on keeping it spotless. There wasn't a whole lot to do, Caitlin twitched as she thought Barry gave her this section just to tidy it and not overwhelm her with too much work.
It annoyed her that maybe he was making it a little too easy for her to actually do some work. The other chores on the list had mostly to do with laundry and tidying up. She couldn't help but think he was being lenient on her for whatever the reason, she almost didn't want to know the real reason.
Her phone vibrated as she pulled off her ear buds and read the text.
Hey, just checking in. I'm picking up some food for lunch. I hope you like Mexican.
-Barry
Caitlin bit her lip as she answered.
Sure, see you soon.
-Caitlin
Everything OK?"
-Barry
Yeah, everything is fine.
-Caitlin
Awesome. I'll see you soon, it's a short work day.
-Barry
Caitlin put down her phone and looked at the clock briefly. More than half passed eleven. She didn't realize it was basically brunch time and realized her list wasn't completed. Maybe she shouldn't stress finishing so soon. Barry was going to have the next job lined up but she didn't want to disappoint him on practically her first day of chores.
Just take a look at her, stressing about mundane chores. Her father's voice echoed around her anywhere she went. She wasn't used to living without it. Barry didn't strike her as the type of person to expect her to be on same level as her father. She let it go, it was distracting her work momentum.
The house felt bigger when nobody was around, nice, sure, a bit haunting. She began to get uneasy when she checked the time again. Suddenly she was feeling stranger, she was after all, a stranger in this house.
Her cell phone rang just in time, she was thankful who it was.
"Hey," she said to Anya with relief in her voice.
"How are you doing sweetheart? Adele told me you've already moved in. How's it been going?"
Caitlin shrugged, "I guess fine. I haven't had a lot of time with Maggie. It's mostly been chores and stuff."
"Oh, is Maggie not there?"
"No, she's at a day care center. Barry and I were going to pick her up together after lunch."
"Oh? How's everything else?"
"It's alright. Feels weird, being here. I never lived at work before." She pursed her lips and sat on the couch.
"I'm sure it's different for you. Barry appreciates all the help, they do need you there. He already does so much for his little girl."
Caitlin nodded. "I know, he tells me this, I'm trying to make it easier for them. It's only temporary though, right? Until I find something better."
Anya coughed. "Uhm, well, we did agree that this was going to lead to something more permanent. I've been calling around just to see what's out there. I said I would let you know when I've found anything."
"I trust you. I haven't had a second to look. I'm afraid that Brian and his connections are sabotaging whatever opportunities are there for me. I've been there a long time, too long. You know Brian, I told you about what happened."
"I remember honey. Such an awful time, but it shouldn't scare you from getting what you've earned. Even he can't stop that."
Yes he can. "Sure, Barry's coming back soon. Do you wanna call tomorrow maybe? I have a feeling I won't have much time to talk when Maggie comes back."
"Of course, we'll talk then, take care honey."
"Bye Anya." Caitlin clicked off shortly after.
The door opened and she heard bags rustling. "Hello, Caitlin? I'm home."
Barry's muffled voice came through the foyer as she jammed her phone away and walked to where he was in the kitchen. She observed him juggling his brief case bag and the take out food in the other. She came forward and offered to help.
"Wow, this is so nice, thank you." She said as she took the bags off his hands while he placed his work bag on the back chair.
"Oh don't mention it, I almost forgot this place closes early. I usually have it delivered to the office. Hope you like it. I didn't know what you prefer, so I got both meats and a vegetarian just in case."
"Oh, wow, thank you, that's a lot of choices." Caitlin paused before taking the chicken burrito out. "This is good."
Barry nodded and they brought over their food to the table and started to eat.
Moments passed and things were quiet again, why did Caitlin feel like she did at the restaurant last night. She shook her head and wiped her mouth on a napkin. She felt like she should say something, apologize, Barry was the one who apologized, but why? He hadn't done anything wrong. Caitlin was the one who made things uncomfortable...for Barry. The truth was she didn't know what was going on or why she was feeling this way or what exactly she was feeling.
She placed the last portion of burrito in her mouth and washed it down with the drink next to her. Barry was already finished and made eye contact as he grabbed another burrito. She blushed and looked down. He wasn't on to her, but he did gesture to the rest of the food.
"You can have more if you want. Go ahead."
"Oh no, it's OK. I'm good with this one. I liked it very much."
Barry was busy halfway through his second helping when he laughed suddenly. "Sorry, I'm being a pig. I have no manners when I eat, get it from my dad. He was always hungry, not matter what my mother cooked, probably because of how he grew up. He would eat in his sleep if my mother allowed it."
Caitlin returned the laugh, recalling her own family and eating. "My father didn't eat enough. My mom was the complete opposite, she ate everything she could get her hands on but somehow, I don't know, by some miracle, she never gained weight from it. My father could stand to gain a ton. That was the last I remember it. So it's OK, I guess I'm just like him too, we are who we are."
Barry's phone buzzed and he rolled his eyes before seeing the name. Adele. What a way to ruin the moment, he thought. There was no way he was going to answer anyone right now. He turned his phone off and wiped his hands from the salsa that stuck on them.
"Was that important?" Caitlin asked, curiously.
"Oh, no, it's nothing. I usually try but always fail at it to turn my phone off on Saturday mornings. No one ever calls me anyway, or I tell them not to. They still do, it's always some random thing other people can take care of. No worries." He smiled brightly as he watched Caitlin relax.
"Trust me, this one isn't important. Besides, Maggie has another 30 minutes until she gets picked up anyway."
Caitlin looked at the time and blew a big chunk of air she held inside. "Oh, I didn't realize that, I guess I went pretty quickly with the chores. I assumed it would help in case you had more for me to do. I'm sure there's always more. I'm just gonna stop talking. Yeah..."
Barry laughed deep in the pit of his stomach. "Please don't, it's more charming than you realize."
She blushed. "Charming?"
"I mean, yeah, it's funny, cute, whatever, I mean, yeah. We all do it. Like right now. OK now I'm gonna stop."
She sipped her drink and looked at him with a smirk, "Yeah, I see what you mean. It's hard to shake that growing up. I thought it'd be easier, turns out, I just get more annoying, or charming, whatever you say. Rambling. Jeez, it really is hard to stop, isn't it?"
Barry finished the rest of his food and laughed. "I've very entertained here, think we can both agree on that."
Caitlin gathered her wrapper and napkins and stood up but Barry stopped her.
"Let me, I got it." He reached out and she placed the trash in his hands.
She smiled as she watched him throw everything away and clean up the table. She felt awkward. Shouldn't she have helped him? Or just done it herself? Doesn't she work for him?
"Caitlin?" Barry called. She paused and shook her head. "Did you hear me?"
"Oh, sorry, can you say that again?"
Barry filled the tea kettle as he looked at her with a kind smile. "Would you like some tea?"
"Sure, yes. No choice, you pick." He nodded and picked the same one he was having.
It whistled fairly quickly and Barry fixed the tea and brought the mugs over to the table. Things were silent again, Caitlin was curious if Barry was waiting for her to say something. He just stared off, randomly looking at the refrigerator magnets. She felt so guilty. Maybe if she tried to make it right, things will finally relax.
"Barry, I have to say something, about last night..." She spoke gently.
He jerked his head in her direction, "Oh?"
She pressed her mouth in a line and went for it. "I feel so terrible about how I acted, you were...so kind to me. I guess I don't see it often, the support. Maybe I did feel uncomfortable, it's not because of you. I shouldn't have run off like that. It was wrong. I should have taken your jacket, I really was kind of cold. I just...my mind was somewhere else. I guess I don't see kind gestures often. And when I do see them, I get a little afraid. I'm sorry, sounds like I'm making excuses. Please forgive me, I don't want it to be weird either between us."
Barry swallowed slowly. That was a lot of take, he didn't know what to say and he knew she wanted him to say something. But if he said what he really thought, what he really wanted to say, things would get very weird between them.
It was until she placed her hand over his that he cleared his throat.
"Caitlin, everything between us is fine. It's better than fine actually. Trust me." He smiled gingerly and held her hand for reassurance.
The warmth she felt radiated off his skin sent waves of electricity to her heart. It began to race, faster than she thought possible. Her lips parted as Barry locked eyes with her. His thumb circled over her hand slowly, it was getting increasingly hard to focus now for both of them. Her breathing rose to a shallow area and she found herself squeezing his hand in response. Her thoughts were becoming cloudy, Barry's free hand moved her hair from her eyes. She was hiding behind it, like she always did when she felt nervous.
Barry froze, what was he doing? He couldn't, no he shouldn't be doing any of this. When he saw Caitlin moving close he didn't question anything anymore.
The space between them near closed until they pulled apart at the sound of the front door opening. Dropping their hands and returning back to reality; they didn't have time to process what just happened. Caitlin shared a small look with Barry until they heard a strong voice call out.
"Barry? Hello? Are you home?" Adele came rushing in holding Maggie's hand. "Oh, Barry, I sent you texts, did you receive it? I was coming to pick up Maggie instead, I was on the way. I left you messages."
He rubbed his head as he stood up and walked to pick up his daughter. "Sorry, I got sidetracked. Caitlin and I were planning on picking her up. I didn't know. Sorry."
Barry was rambling and Adele looked between them and Caitlin scrambled to think of something to say to save the situation.
"I asked Barry to help me, I still don't know my way around here. It's not his fault."
Barry looked at her, partly shocked, a piercing stare that Caitlin caught but Adele narrowed at her eyes at Caitlin. She didn't look that convinced but dropped it out of courtesy. Caitlin was never going to win with this woman.
"I see, well, anyway, Barry, keep your phone on you at all times. Do it for your daughter. Go on sweetie, go wash up and I'll start dinner."
Caitlin winced as Adele brushed passed her, she just wanted to buried her head in the sand. "Pardon me."
"Caitlin! Hold up." Barry said, following behind her.
She turned around as he caught up with her upstairs. "I'm so sorry about her. You don't have to do that for me. I should have answered that message. If only I..."
"I'm gonna go take care of Maggie." She said, turning away from him and went upstairs.
Barry almost went after her, but now wasn't the time to make a scene. He glared in the direction of the kitchen: Adele, why the hell couldn't she have backed off? That wasn't Adele's style, but that didn't stop Barry from going back to the kitchen and confronting his mother-in-law.
"Who is Maggie's father?"
"Would you grab me a sauce pan so I can begin dinner? I need it for the main course." She asked, ignoring him.
"Answer me? Who's responsibility is she?"
The older woman paid no attention as she gathered the materials and began boiling the water.
"She's mine. And she's also Caitlin's. If I needed your help, I would have called you for it. I don't want to argue with you, these are my rules. You rarely pick up Maggie over the weekend, in fact, prior to the message sent, oh, 10 minutes ago, you hadn't told me you were going to be near Maggie's day care. So I don't care what your reasons are, she's our priority, not yours. Understood?"
Adele sighed heavily and went back to her cooking. "Angela will be home soon. You may not need me or Caitlin anymore, I know you don't want to hear it but I believe she'll be home, with her child, the way it was meant to be. Isn't that what's best for Maggie? For her mother to come home? I know you lie to her, but you're hurting her every time."
"What? What are you saying? Angela's in rehab, she's not coming home. And you know why I do what do. I have to do it."
"You're lying to her, Barry."
"And you're a broken record, I know that. Do I know there's a chance? I don't know. She has to want to change, but even then, too much damage is done and enough time has passed. She can't come back. Not right now. I can't do that to Caitlin. She's amazing. I know you don't care for her—just let me finish." He held his hand up. "Stop getting involved, I'm sick of it. Maggie doesn't need more drama."
Without another word Barry jogged upstairs as he heard two voices in conversation together. He didn't want to bother their moment, but he couldn't help but listen in.
"...and I think mommy's gonna come back. Grandma keeps saying." Maggie spoke, playing with her gaming device as Caitlin sat Indian style near her.
"I hope she does." She said, but it was more solemn than hopeful. "I'm so sorry we didn't pick you up. I'll make sure to do it myself from now on."
"Hmm, OK, Grandma likes doing it. Daddy doesn't always have the time."
"He's here now. Do you want me to call him?"
"No...I just wanna play."
Caitlin's frown came back as Maggie moved away from her. Barry bit his lip, once Maggie was like this, she stayed in this mood. There was nothing Caitlin could do and she realized it in the moment as she stood up and slowly walked away from the situation.
Barry backed out of the hallway and scurried to his room pretending to fiddle with work papers he already read. The door was ajar but he could practically feel Caitlin's soft knock.
"Come in." He said, eyes back on the papers.
Caitlin hesitantly entered his room and briefly looked around. "Maggie wants to be alone."
Barry looked between her and the papers and dropped the act. "Yeah, the subject of her mother does that. She wants her to come back."
She took a seat in the corner and awkwardly crossed her arms. "I see, what do we do?"
He placed the documents away and sighed. "Wait. Maggie will come around. I won't be surprised if she gets fussy at dinner. You don't need to deal with this, it's my problem."
Caitlin nodded and watched his body language. He was nervous, maybe being around him wasn't a good thing for her. She was sitting a good 8 feet from where he was, but it still felt too close. More than she needed right now.
"OK, I'm here if you need me. For everything else...just let me know what to do. Seeing her like this...it's hard. Maybe her mother will come back."
Barry's face turned red. "No!" His outburst startled Caitlin and she immediately stiffened. He winced. "I mean, it's complicated. Adele does this. She brings her up like it's so easy. Like people can just change. Doesn't work that way."
Caitlin's hands were shaking and Barry noticed. She was afraid of him again. She never saw this side of Barry, an anger deep in the abyss of his past surfacing unexpectedly. She began to regret coming in his room, getting involved beyond her pay grade. She was growing too close to the family. It was starting to hit her now, and she wished she could have said no to Anya, her friend, would have never pressured her to take this job.
She was so wrapped up in her thoughts and emotions she didn't notice Barry coming near her, kneeling to the ground. He slowly reached out and placed his hand over hers. Familiar, comforting, inviting, nurturing. The look in his eyes made her surrender her anger, sink into solace.
"You weren't supposed to know that, I didn't want you involved in this much drama. I'm sorry I overreacted." He squeezed her hand gently.
"I'm sorry if I did anything to—"
"It wasn't anything you did. It's me, it's always me. I tried not to tell you because I didn't want the conflict but Angela—my ex, there's always problems involved. And I can't shield Maggie from any of it anymore. I'm so sorry you're in the middle of this. I don't want this job to be stressful for you. Please understand, also, and I'm not forcing you to, but if you have any questions, what I mean is, if you want to know, just to know, I can tell you."
Caitlin's mouth went dry, was Barry allowing her to know his secrets? Most housekeepers just know more about children and their duties. Anything beyond that was sacred. She'd have to be incredibly trustworthy to be permitted to know beyond what she should. Caitlin held her breath, this was getting too overwhelming.
"You...you trust me that much already?" Caitlin asked, incredulous to believing those words may be true.
"Yeah, I do. You're part of the family, I'm just so sorry you saw that side, it was wrong. None of this has to do with you. I just wish all the past drama was gone, it's just...sometimes it's not. Like now, with Adele here. I apologize for her behavior. She needs to be more respectful."
That being one of many issues among Maggie's mother. Caitlin bit her lip, uncertain of how to solve that one.
"Do you think she will?"
"She has to, or she doesn't see my daughter anymore, she knows that."
Caitlin bit her lip, so much drama in front of her and Barry's pleading eyes staring back at her made this a difficult decision. Is it worth it to stay in all this emotional drama? Did she need more of it? No, absolutely not. But she promised herself whatever good things happen, she was going to commit to it. No matter how hard, how intense it may be. That's life, Anya used to say that. Life is hard, accept it, live with it, make the most of any situation. Barry could have easily picked someone else to help raise his daughter and care take for his home, but he chose her for a reason. Maybe this was that reason. Maybe he saw something in her that was strong, resilient. Someone who can handle anything the world throws at them. She'd never have anyone believe in her like that.
"I'll be honest, it's not been easy so far. But, I promised I wouldn't let you down. You and Maggie, you're all that matters."
Barry's smiled perked up as he took her in his arms, hugging her like he didn't want to let go. "Thank you Cait, thank you so much."
She hugged him back, being this close to him, she was reminded of last night. Those feelings, she didn't know what they were yet. She knew they were strong and intense.
Caitlin reminded herself not to be swayed to stay because of those feelings. When Barry pulled away he stared into her eyes and smiled. He stood up and offered his hand to her. She took it, following him back to the lion's den.
Caitlin's left skate was tighter than the other and she knew she had to halt everything and start over. She grumbled over to the side box and huffed as she adjusted her skate. Typical day. She blew some hair that fell over her eyes and speed skated back to her position.
She'd give anything for a cigarette right now but she had to control herself if she wanted to make it to nationals. She checked the time and cursed at herself. Maybe after she would reward herself with a nice long drag of the pack she had inside her gym bag.
She shook her arms and cracked her neck as she took a seat on the bench, adjusting her troublesome skate. She checked her phone knowing it was low battery but she didn't care, it wouldn't hurt to see one message. Something. Someone had to care about her. Not Jack, anyone but him. Same goes with her parents. The last thing she needed was a lecture that claimed they were right; which they aren't.
Jack included into that. When they first met he asked her why she was doing this, she told him straight off, "to make something of herself." That never stopped being true. If she wasn't going to excel in something, then why was she here? She rolled her eyes and wiped her face with her sweat towel, throwing it back in the bag. She covered her face with damp her hands sighing heavily.
"What are you doing in here? The rink is closed." A gruff voice boosted from the exit.
Caitlin's position started, she wiped her eyes before pulling off her skates. She knew who it was, they seemed to have forgotten her. Jack had always booked her sessions so she never needed to speak with anyone for practice time. She forgot how often Jack would actually get away with having the rink just for Caitlin's lessons. No, she wasn't going to get affected by him leaving or drag him back into her life.
"Lady, I gotta lock up OK? Time to go." He said in a normal yet slightly annoyed tone.
Caitlin grumbled to herself as she tied her laces together and took up her gym bag. The door was left ajar but the lights have shut off. The only source of light was in the hallway. She knew it was going to be freezing outside so she bundled up to prepare. She had enough money to stay at a motel and it wasn't raining but bitterly cold. She would have to find a taxi quickly.
She checked her phone and dialed for a ride. Normally they would take more than 25 minutes but this cab arrived in half the time. After she got in and gave the directions to the motel she sat with her hand under her chin. She was wondering when this was going to change. When her life, her real life, was going to start. She knew she was good on the ice, she believed she was good enough to go all the way. Even though it seemed like something she could obtain, it still felt so far away.
She paid, got out of the cab and looked at the neon light sign of the motel that read "vacancy." She would stay here sometimes when she could, it was better than sleeping in the studio again. And she didn't need to be caught now. She would have to stay for a few days on what she could afford for now. Which would take care of the next few days, but after that, she wasn't sure.
It was a challenge having to do everything herself but if she was going to survive until nationals, she would have to. She entered the motel's office and the worker reading a magazine looked up, almost surprised he had seen anyone. He greeted her. Caitlin mumbled wanting a room for a few nights. She paid him ahead of time, he gave her the key card and waved her off.
While walking to the room she blew a sigh of relief when she opened the door. It felt good to be in an actual room for once. It was plain, no frills, just the essentials. She needed a shower first, then she was going to figure out dinner.
After feeling slightly refreshed she wrapped a clean towel around her body and sat on the bed. She was shivering as she gripped the towel closer, feeling the fabric cover her wet skin. She looked to the phone number of a local pizza place and food menu that lay near the phone and hesitated getting up to call. She was hungry but something distracted her.
She sat for a long moment thinking, that guy she saw that night, the guy at the diner, why did he do that for her? He looked like someone completely out of her world. He looked...accomplished like he didn't have to try at anything, he was just given it all. His demeanor, confident but not arrogant. Slightly abrupt but protective. She had never met him in her life and probably won't again but in that night she knew more than she wanted to know about him.
She dropped the towel grabbed her warm clothes to put on. Being that it was in the 40s she made sure to add layers to her wardrobe, even indoors, the cold can still hit you. The room had just an AC near the door, the best way to keep and stay warm was the coffee maker.
She thought about it for a moment and checked how much money she had left. Sighing deeply, she already paid for the room so that was taken care. The good news is it wasn't raining, just frosty outside. She closed one eye before going through her phone to search for what she wanted.
Caitlin found what she was looking for and dialed the number.
"Hello, are you open? 24 hours, alright. I'll be there." She hung up, grabbed her purse and walked into the sharp cold night.
Caitlin came to the entrance of the only diner she knew near the skating rink. She called just to make sure they were 24 hours and they were. The place was slightly busier than they were that last time she came. She was grateful for that, June, the ginger hair waitress spotted her and immediately waved her over.
She felt a little better than just ordering a pizza. There was something about this place that welcomed her without judgments. It didn't feel real, it was utopian, something she wished life was more often. The atmosphere was bustling and she moved away from the commotion. She took the table she sat in the last time she came. The cushions hugged her as she grabbed the menu tucked in the far corner.
"Heya darlin', welcome back." Caitlin looked up seeing June, the red head waitress standing above her.
She held a cup of coffee and a fresh pot, ready to go. She gestured and Caitlin nodded as she filled her cup.
"What can I getcha?"
Caitlin looked at the menu again before looking back at her. "A Number five, with fries and slaw. Thanks."
June winked back at her as she wrote down her order, "Be right back hun." She turned away leaving Caitlin alone.
Caitlin huddled her shoulders before adjusting her jacket and placed both hands around the cup to get warm. She looked around the diner and smiled slightly. It had looked better with more people in it, last time it was abandoned, scary, almost looked haunted.
She had a feeling the guy she met, Barry, was going to be here but she pushed that thought away. It was a small town and sure, he could just walk in but why would he want to come back here? Her food came before she could ponder that notion.
After she thanked her she dove right in, not paying attention how clumsy she was being. Nobody was here, nobody knew her here. It wasn't like there were any skaters that recognized her from state nationals. She took a big bite from her burger and washed it down with her coffee.
She closed her eyes and sunk into her food. She was enjoying every minute of this for the time being. It will be some time until she could afford steady lodgings and meals. She didn't want to bother with the soup kitchens, they were there for her but she didn't want to admit it to herself. She wanted to earn her living and live off of her hard work. Nothing in life is free, she was beginning to realize that the more she was on her own.
"Thought I'd find you here." A deep voice commented.
Caitlin turned to the voice mid chew, immediately flushing red.
She wiped her mouth and swallowed the remaining food. "Hi, um, Barry right?"
"That's right."
Barry looked as if he was dressed for the night out. His black leather jacket hugged his sculpted torso perfectly, she couldn't help but stare at his tall frame, maybe she didn't realize it that night but he had a god-like build. She shook her head when she took a more normal look at him.
Barry smiled as he gestured to the seat across from her and she nodded. "You come here often?"
"Sort of, seems convenient enough. Do you?" She asked with a raised brow.
Somehow she didn't buy him just being around the area. He had that culture shock expression written all over him.
"It would seem so. Usually I order in, I've gotten used to that. Kinda like this place."
Caitlin raised her eyebrows as she sipped her water, there was an awkward vibe that set in and Caitlin for a moment didn't know what to say. Barry was just here, randomly.
"So..."
"So..." Barry mimicked.
"What are you doing here?"
Barry looked at her oddly, "Clearly to eat, why? Am I not allowed here?"
Caitlin rolled her eyes, this guy was getting annoying. "Never said that. Go where you please. Just weird that you'd come back here. At this particular time."
"Again, it seems like I'm not supposed to. Am I bothering you?"
Caitlin's skin turned stark white. "Umm, no, whatever. Just something I thought."
"Oh yeah? What's that?"
"You just seem like you're not from here. Or, I don't know, really not from here. Are you?'
Barry pursed his lips, wearing an amused smile. "No."
The waitress came back with Caitlin's check to drop it next to her. She looked to Barry and gave a familiar smile. She asked him if he wanted anything and he told her he wanted to think about it first. She turned away, smiling back at Caitlin telling her to take her time.
"You're not hungry?" She asked him when the waitress left.
"Actually, I am, I don't know what I want though. What's good here?"
Barry grabbed the menu from the stack behind the napkins and checked it out silently. He gave his order to the waitress and handed her the menu. Things were awkward again.
Caitlin cleared her throat as she glanced at Barry and around the room. A group of girls were looking in their direction and covered their mouths while giggling. One of them took out their phone.
She sighed, dropped some money down on the table and stood up.
"Where you going?" Barry asked, standing up with her.
"Leaving. Enjoy your meal."
Barry moved to get up, "Wait, Caitlin. Hold on." She paused but moved slowly.
"What?"
Barry shrugged. "I'm sorry. Look, I'm sorry if I'm invading your privacy."
"You're not, I could care less. I just wanna go home." Caitlin fixed on her jacket.
"I can drive you back. Unless you have a car."
Caitlin glared at him, "I don't need a chauffeur."
"I get that, just offering. It's late, just in case. I feel like last time, I made you feel uneasy. I'm not trying to."
She sighed as she checked her phone. It wasn't too late, but it was light enough to bum a ride or walk back. Caitlin was too proud, she hated to lose, even asking for help. What did Barry get out of this though? She was a nobody, Barry was too clean cut to care this much. His type seemed more stable, or at least less chaotic than her situation. She was full of drama and she didn't want to involve anyone in her mess. If Jack can leave, so can this guy. Why was he so persistent?
"Look, it's nothing, you don't have to do it. I barely know you, I don't need a baby-sitter. It's not that far anyway." She said, wincing at a sudden pain she felt in her ankle.
She tried to hide it as she began to walk but she was feeling it now, great she thought. He saw, now what?
"Whoa...you OK?"
She waved him off and pushed through the pain. "Yeah, fine. It's not even that late, don't worry about me."
She could gravel to Jack, it was a risk, she'd have to admit she was wrong, which wasn't true. Dealing with him was the last thing she wanted to do. But she was desperate. Barry was just there, offering something she needed, but she didn't want to burden him. Not again, not this time.
"I'm not forcing you, for me it's not a big deal. Maybe I just wanna make sure you're safe. I've seen that same injury before, a while ago. It can't be good putting pressure on it."
Caitlin wanted to be offended but she couldn't. "It's not an injury, it's, whatever...you're not gonna give up, are you?"
He flashed a quick smile. "Probably not." He reached out to her. "What do you say?"
For the first time he thought he saw her crack a smile, it was a small one, but a smile nevertheless.
"Can we stop at my room first? I planned on checking out the next day."
"Sure, do you wanna get your stuff?"
"I only paid for the night. It's seedy, I'd like to avoid it and go somewhere else."
Barry frowned but understood. "Well, again, don't want to freak you out, what if you crashed at my place so you don't have to stay the night somewhere dodgy?"
"I don't think that's a good idea." She said, turning around to exit the diner with Barry following behind. "So, are you driving me back to the room first?"
"Yeah, let's go."
They got into Barry's car and he instantly switched on the heater. Caitlin preferred riding in the back. Barry frowned. He didn't want her to feel uncomfortable.
"Sure you don't wanna ride up front?"
"I'm good here. Thanks."
He shrugged and turned to the motel Caitlin stayed at. When Barry pulled up to the dodgy lodge he winced. She wasn't kidding. This place was bottom of the barrel. Caitlin unlocked the door and got out before he said anything.
"OK, I'll just wait here." He said, gesturing as she ran inside her room.
She emerged a few minutes later, dropped her key off at the office and made her way back toward the car. Caitlin closed the door behind as Barry looked at her.
"Everything OK?"
"What?" She asked, surprised. "Yeah, um, just, that was...never mind, thank you for doing this...I plan on leaving early in the morning, I have practice."
"Oh OK, well let's go. You thinking of practicing on the injury?"
She raised her brow, "I'm not injured, my skate was being weird on me. I just need to re-wrap my sole."
"OK then, let's go to mine and we'll get that fixed for you." Barry said with a smile.
Caitlin gave a small smile as Barry pulled out of the parking lot and drove back to his place.
It was a good 20 minutes but it felt quicker, virtually nobody was on the road and they were both grateful for that. Caitlin was beginning to fade away but she forced herself to stay awake. She felt Barry's eyes on her before he pulled inside a private parking garage with all kinds of shiny sports that looked brand new. That woke Caitlin up. Barry lived here?! Her mind was reeling. He just seemed like a regular guy, she never got the impression he was well off. Especially not the way he dressed. Sure his car was new too, but it was modest and not flashy.
Barry cleared his throat as he watched Caitlin look around, he smiled and blushed. Of course she didn't know, he didn't flaunt his earnings. Good thing she didn't recognize him or he wouldn't have offered to help her out.
"What is this a sports car museum?"
"Probably, I own none of them, I barely know anyone here, people keep themselves here for the most part. Come on, let's go." He directed.
Caitlin followed behind him as he led the way to his apartment, once in the elevator Barry pushed the top floor casually. All Caitlin could do was stare, was Barry someone well off? Was he one of those trust fund babies that dressed as a commoner to throw people off his ritzy scent? Hard to tell. She had only met him twice and she truly never got the impression that he came from money. Unless his family weren't the ones with the wealth, was he?
What the hell was going on here?
"Caitlin?" Barry asked, waving a hand in her face.
"Oh yeah, yeah, sorry." She said, slightly rubbing her head.
"It's OK, it's late, I'll be really quick with it and let you rest. Here, I can take this and put it in the spare room."
It just hit Caitlin that she was officially staying over. She opened her mouth and nearly protested but held back, it was too late and she was too tired to make any decisions. Besides, she couldn't go back to the motel, she had a feeling Barry would try to convince her to stay the night. Didn't she already agree to this? She couldn't remember, the faster her head hits the pillow, the better she'll feel.
"Alright, thanks for umm, doing this." She said, following behind him to the spare room.
He turned around and smiled as he flipped the light on. It was plain, looked like people stayed but it felt ghost-like. Barry walked in first and set her bag down.
"Here it is, sometimes when my relatives visit they stay here. I haven't had many who come over recently. Anyway, let's uh, let's go to the bathroom."
She let him lead the way as she took in her surroundings, the hallway, picture frames of Barry with a team of guys, wearing hockey jerseys and all the padding that came with it. Was he a pro? Caitlin wasn't going to rack her brain over this one. It's obvious he played the sport, maybe as a hobby, but she didn't get the impression he was in the big leagues. He demeanor didn't give that off.
"You can sit on the chair in the corner over there. I'll go get the supplies. Make yourself comfortable." Barry said, disappearing shortly after.
Caitlin realized she needed this treatment now more than ever as she walked, more slightly limped to the chair. She sat down and took a small breath. This bathroom was cleaner than she assumed from a hockey player. Two sinks, a separate bath from the clear doors of the shower with a shower head that looked like one of those rain machine devices found on movie sets. There was an aroma of flowers permeating through the scented plugs at each corner. She already felt comfortable and began to relax as she stopped hugging her shoulders.
"Hey, back, umm, here, I've done this on myself multiple times and I'm used to the pressure, I'll go gentle on you, let me know when it hurts." Barry said, coming forward to kneel down and placed the wrap beside him.
Caitlin watched as he brought out some icy hot gel. She didn't think of that before, mainly because they never used to work on her. Her body rejected it. Her ankle was never going to be the same again since she. Maybe that could change with Barry. He seems to know what he's doing, it was almost eerie.
"Here, just relax, let me know when I hit a nerve, it helps when you're as still as possible." He paused and looked up at her. "When was the last time you were examined?"
The last time I could afford it, she thought. "Ugh, last month, I think, my trainer, Jack off-Jack, I mean, he took care of all my physical therapy. My ankle started acting up last week, I haven't followed up on any new check ups."
"Oh...that's too bad." Barry sighed, pausing to ask why but kept his thoughts to himself, "Sorry, was that too tight?"
It was a little but she was used to it irritating her, "Not really, it's actually starting to feel a little better. That stuff doesn't normally work on my injuries."
She probably uses the generic brands, he thought. "Well this stuff is special, my physician imports these from Europe, I forgot where, I think Sweden? Finland? Actually, Switzerland, sorry, it says on the label."
The corners of Caitlin's lips curved up in a small smile. "Well, it's working, wherever it's from. Oddly..."
"You gonna be OK, no worries. Here, let me secure it so the medicine stays on your ankle. Airborne tends to remove it quicker. Just want you to feel it longer so it heals in no time."
As he took the pins to lock the bandages together he come up from the floor to place the medicine under the sink. "It'll be here if you need more, just let me know."
"Thank you," she replied softly, watching him reach out to her.
"Let me help you to bed, it's probably best you don't put any hard pressure on it for now. Here, give me your hand, I can carry you if you want."
Caitlin's mouth pressed in a straight line. "OK, I'm sorry you have to deal with this, with me...you never had to—"
"I wanted to, it's gonna be OK Caitlin, you're safe." Barry locked eyes with her as he smiled gently. "Lean on me, I got ya."
Caitlin moved slowly as she supported her body against Barry's, she ignored how rock solid he felt against her sore and soft muscles. Felt like she was protected, even if he was just a stranger to her.
"Thanks..." She managed to say as he carried her over to the bed of the spare room. "This is all too much Barry, I don't really know what to say."
The truth was, neither did he, but he was compelled to her, call it sympathy or what have you, he saw it as an obligation to help others when they need it, especially athletes like him.
"You don't have to, I want to do it...here, lift up your ankle slightly. Just needs more support. You can't lay it flat. I know it might be uncomfortable, just needs to be elevated for a little bit." He said, stepping away to sit on the upholstered arm chair in the corner of the room.
Caitlin adjusted herself so she wasn't too stiff, Barry made sure she was comfortable and he wasn't lying, she was. He just placed her on the softest mattress ever, she could feel the gentle textures all over her body. Everything felt like being wrapped inside a baby's bedding. She almost giggled at how relaxed she felt, instead a smile came to her lips. She felt Barry's eyes on her and blushed.
"What? Are you OK?"
That made her turn more red. "Yeah actually, everything is...perfect, yeah."
"You sure?" He prodded with an unsure nervous smile.
"I'm just not used to this, I have a trainer, my coach I mean, I don't think he's ever taken this much time, not like—"
"Not like this? Well, I wouldn't be able to play the way I do if I didn't get the best treatment. Even if it's off season. Still..."
"I just...never mind...I'm sorry, I just met you, I don't normally let anyone h—"
"Help you? Yeah, I can tell, you let me know a few times so far. I admit, I do like helping people but, I don't know, anyway, are you comfortable?"
A little too comfortable, she thought. "So far, yeah, just didn't see my night going like this."
Was that good or bad? He thought, but dared not to ask her. Instead he smiled into a soft laugh. "Hopefully your foot will feel better soon. I'll be in the next room if you need me, just, knock on the wall or something. Or just call for me, I'll be here."
Caitlin shivered at the medicine beginning to work its way all over her entire foot, she took a deep breath and looked at Barry with thankful eyes.
"Thank you, I appreciate...everything you've done." She said softly. "Goodnight Barry."
Barry hesitated before stepping away to turn off the lights and gave a small wave in her direction. "Sweet dreams, Caitlin."
Closing the door with a soft click Barry shook his head. He was wondering how far he was going to take this? He was just helping her after all, what did he need to worry about? Getting close to her was the last thing he needed, especially since he made a promise to himself that he was going to just play hockey and avoid drama in his life.
But Caitlin didn't feel that way to him. He had to control how he spoke to her, treat this like any other physical therapy session. Soon as her ankle healed, it was no longer his problem. No women, keep your head straight, live your dreams and chase the glory in front of you.
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Caitlin Snow took off her dirty apron and threw it outside to be washed for the next shift. She didn't care for the job but it was what she needed for the time being. It was something she had to or she would still live with her parents; that was the last thing she wanted to do. Blocking their number seemed to seal the deal between them. After the fight she'd had with her mother, she wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes things just don't work out the way they're supposed to.
The ocean breeze hit her face as she walked aimlessly thinking when the hell is she going to find her big break? It wasn't that she was insecure, who wasn't? She just didn't know how long she was holding out for a miracle. She looked across the coast wondering what the hell she was doing in a foreign land, thousands of miles away from where she's from.
Proving her parents wrong? Proving something to herself? Making sure she was next line for the wealth and fame the city was bound to give?
Living the dream? Maybe that one, forget the rest, that motivated her to make the decision to hop the next Greyhound to Hollywood Hills, California. She lit a cigarette, taking a puff of small relief. What she really wanted was some reassurance. Not knowing how this was going to happen or when.
Walking along the docks seemed great right about now. She let her body relax against the winds that picked up suddenly; her long sandy blonde hair flowing in the misty air. She hated how hard this was. Living day to day not knowing what to expect, living on so little and just a dream.
Caitlin took a long puff and turned her attention turned away from her issues to someone strumming near the performance area. She never really listened to anyone in particular. They were just like her, starving for a big break. Hoping one day someone of value could give them a chance from their daily struggle. She let it drown out in the background as she took a long drag and closed her eyes. This was it. This was her life.
Living in Los Angeles was starting to take its toll. Too much has happened yet not enough has really progressed. Trial after trial, the priests back home did warn her how hard it was to change everything to live your purpose. She hated how right everyone seemed but she wasn't going to let it derail her. She could hear their voices pounding in her head but the longer she stayed where she was, the less they got to her.
Just a few months into her living situation, she would often find herself looking to the sky for answers. Hardly religious but she felt spiritual each time she stared at the blinking lights above. Like there was some kind of miracle up there she never knew existed.
She walked the longer way to the lot. She always liked her time near the ocean mist, feeling the crisp cool air fan her face after a long day of overly entitled customers. She loved that this cafe was near the shore. It was practically empty, aside from a few lifeguards coming inside, they began to wrap up for the night.
She walked a few steps to her car, one of the last ones in the parking lot. Usually when it was her time to leave everyone else had gone home. It was like her manager purposely made her schedule so she was counting the minutes until it was time to leave. She closed early a couple times and got in trouble. One more strike and she was gone, she couldn't afford that, and she needed the job. Sure, she could find another barista position, there are thousands in Los Angeles, but this one was in the heart of the city, next to a studio lot. She couldn't abandon it. Especially since she practically served movie and TV stars daily, that was the awesome perk.
Her roommates are more than likely off at some social climber party in some kind of clear glass house owned by a son of or relative of said known producer. They always invited her but she found herself wanting to run away from all the literal smoke and mirrors of that world. But that was the thing, if she wanted to make it in the business, she would have to network herself. She hated that part. Putting herself out there for judgments. But wasn't that the whole point of being a star? What if they didn't like her? What if she didn't win anyone over in the audition room?
She groaned internally, the dreaded audition room. The worst wait of her life. She couldn't shake the feeling she had before or after the audition day. Most of the time the producers weren't even watching you. They were either on their phones, ordering lunch, talking over you, or the worst one: interrupting your scene. Just anything to avoid paying attention to anyone's audition. Caitlin didn't think she was special or anything, she was sure it happened to other people, hell, she lived with 3 other aspiring actresses who were probably drowning their insecurities in the newest tub of ice cream, bingeing some new show on Netflix, wondering why they can't ever catch a break too.
Begrudgingly she walked around and found her way back to her street. It was easier this way, she and her roommates insisted on keeping this apartment as long as they can afford it. They were lucky they found something so decent. Thankfully the original owner left them a good 9 months on their lease, it was an offer they couldn't refuse. The rest of the story is history.
Caitlin has pined so much to be a star in Hollywood since before she could remember. Ever since she was a child she had dreamed of seeing her name on marquees and posters as a leading actress. She'd fall in love with the craft of acting in middle school, putting on plays that her parents rarely support; that was until she met like-minded people with the same dreams and aspirations. At least living in la la land had its perks, not to mention, the best weather anyone could ask for.
Tonight's forecast: warm and warmer. Caitlin wouldn't have it any other way. Better than bitterly cold or the extreme humidity back home. She's the walking cliché, small town girl with big dreams from East Jesus Nowhere. Her story isn't original, but it's unique because it belongs to her.
She patted her purse gently as a reminder that her rent is coming up. She was just squeaking by with her portion. The other girls weren't struggling as hard, of course they weren't, they were much prettier than her and they networked at those parties. She hated admitting that, especially to herself, but she knew the truth. Her look isn't commercial and she had to try much harder to create an image for herself that didn't resemble a plain Jane best friend look. It's not an ugly image, just not what sells. Her friends offered plastic surgery but she declined. As much as she wanted to be beautiful and perfect, she couldn't do that herself, even for her passions.
She sighed deeply, realizing where she was...home. Hollywood, the land of dreams, delusions and actual stars. This is the place where everyone starts, but will she make it?
That's for fate to decide. For now, all she can do is turn the key and pray that her dreams will finally touch reality.
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Oliver gathered the last of his arrows, one for each plan he mapped out and shoved them into the case. He had done this so many times before but this time he was feeling anxious. He didn't want to face the next moment he would see Emiko, his hands shook as he grabbed his bow staff, knowing he could have ended everything right then and there.
Tommy Merlyn appearing to him under the trapped rubble wasn't a coincidence...or was it? Oliver didn't know nor did he care. All that mattered was the mission, defeating Emiko, whatever the means, salvaging what's left of Star City. The weight of the world has been carried enough, time to focus, time to move on from his inner conscious. It was too late to convince him otherwise.
Emiko has to die, it's the only way.
Letting her get away was the last thing he wanted to do. Oliver checked his phone and Felicity still hadn't answered him. He was getting worried. This wasn't the life he wanted for Felicity or his unborn child. This is not a life at all. It's time to end it.
"Oliver." A gruff, familiar voice said behind his shoulder.
Just as he was about to leave he almost crashed into the body. Robert Queen, the voice, the man, the father he'd never forget, not for one second of his life.
"Stand down, son. Stand down." He spoke gently.
Oliver complied but only because he knew he was hallucinating again. This was another trick, another ruse to prevent him from taking a stand against justice.
"You're not real." Oliver croaked out, his voice trying to be level but wanting to break at the sight of seeing and hearing his father again.
"No, I'm not. But that isn't why I'm here."
Oliver looked up, daring to stare in his father's eyes, knowing he'd failed him, as a tribute, a legacy, an avenger. He looked at his own blood, a weak man, a desperate attempt to cling to an ounce of hope.
"Sit down, son."
Oliver sat down, the nerves settling in as his father made eye contact with him.
"I never asked you to do any of this." He said simply.
"But this was your purpose. You've known it for a long time, since Lian Yu, that day...I wanted a better life for you. Much better than I could have given you."
Oliver said nothing for a few seconds but then it came out before he could stop it. "Instead you left me nothing but the guilt I felt when I came back."
Silence made the answer clear enough.
He stared in his father's stoic direction. "Right?"
Robert took a couple steps closer to Oliver and sat down. "It was never my intention to blame you for anything. I loved you more than my own life. So much that my own had to be taken away. And it had to be by my hands. One day you'll understand why I had to make that sacrifice."
Oliver stood up and began collecting the rest of his equipment. "I don't need this right now."
"You don't have a lot of time left Oliver. While you're here, you can still stay on this path to redemption. My legacy isn't yours, remember that."
Oliver turned around and his father was gone. Typical. The moment where he could use better words of encouragement and his father had to abandon him even as a ghost.
He drew back his bow at the noise nearing him. A shadow. Under the darkness he could see what was standing near the specks of light that seeped through the ceiling.
"Thought I'd find you here, come on, let's get out of here."
"Laurel? What are you doing here?" He said, his voice dropping into a whisper. He closed his staff, moving the arrow back in its holster.
Oliver didn't know if this was another hallucination or reality playing before him but it felt like a mix of both. Even though she wasn't his Laurel, she did remind him of a simpler time. When the weight of the world wasn't strung on his shoulders. But when he looked upon her now, even in his current situation there was a sense of calm in the air. Much like he had felt when his Laurel was still alive. He never cherished those moments and now they're gone. But it suddenly felt like they returned again.
Oliver hesitated before taking a few steps toward her but she helped ease the discomfort by slowly moving toward him. Oliver kept a slight distance.
"You were always afraid of me, even now, you're shaking." Laurel spoke, closing in the gape between their bodies.
"I don't know why," He said, swallowing roughly. "It's the sound of your voice that always gave me comfort, even in the worst of times."
Laurel's features softened. "You always said that to me, my Earth you. And you always returned it with the look you're giving me right now."
He looked down as she reached out to touch his face, like he remembered her doing many times before.
"Oliver, I'm scared too. But we can't afford to waste time living in fear. We're better than that. All these voices you hear, telling you what to feel, you know in your heart what the answer is. You've always known."
He blinked harshly, finding it difficult to focus, "Maybe, and maybe I'll always be a killer. Just like the city thinks of me."
Laurel watched him crouch down and sat down with him. "You know what you need to do. Sometimes a hero has to make hard choices. Even if it means avoiding the inevitable. Look inside Oliver. What's it telling you right now?"
He paused a long moment before picking himself back up. He straightened his back and grabbed his staff by his side.
"I know what I have to do." Oliver said, turning to look at Laurel who was still there.
She wasn't a ghost, she was real. He could touch her, just like he did before. Looking at her gave him hope that there were second chances in life. That he didn't have to turn to the darkness. There was light, he knew it, in that moment, being with Laurel cemented his purpose all over again.
He leaned forward and brushed his lips against hers. Surprised at first, she responded with her own sensual flare, pressing her mouth against his. When they pulled away, their foreheads touched as they caught their breath.
Kara Danvers brought out a new set of flowers she purchased at the local market earlier that morning. It was a crisp spring, clouds were in the sky but you barely knew it, the sun had come out for the rest of the day brightening everybody who lived in the neighborhood. She enjoyed coming outside, not just to set plants in their garden homes, but to just soak in the calm of the day. Suburbia was kind again. She smiled as she finished tending to the bouquet.
Donovan was home and she better get back inside to start on dinner. It annoyed her that her own husband was pushy with the whole housewife role. She loved being at home, taking care of it, cleaning, cooking, brightening the spirits of anyone planning to visit. Kara tried so hard to make her new life with Donovan worthwhile. She didn't want to hold regrets and wonder what if; what if they happened met that day? The day he swept her off her feet, he was charming above all else; charisma coming out of his ears. She never forgot that day.
But lately, she's been noticing her husband coming home late, and when he did, she learned not to press him over why he was so late. She had gotten used to it after a while. Marriage is about compromise and trust, she would just have to accept his work schedule as it is. Although, if she had any small requests, it was to bring back those days where it seemed like time stood still. When love was brighter than the sun itself. When life around didn't matter, only that look two people had shared that meant the world to both at one point in their lives.
Not that Kara thought he didn't care much for her, he did. He always made sure to have a roof over their heads, bills paid, whatever she needed whenever she needed it. All the essentials of life…everything but the compassion that came with it. Kara shook her head and banished those thoughts from creeping up again. She didn't want to go back there, think negatively about a man she promised herself to. She shouldn't worry so much. Donovan would come around; he will see his ways and realize what's been missing.
She stood up when she noticed she was over watering the grass and blushed. She hoped no one in the neighborhood saw; that would have been embarrassing. Thankfully no one did.
She was pulled out of her trance when she heard a car pull up in the driveway, it was Donovan's, he came back early.
Kara smiled as she walked toward the car watching her husband grab his work case from the back seat. He probably didn't know she was standing there.
She knew she wasn't going to get anywhere now; it would have to take time. "I can take that."
"Eh, it's alright, I have it. Let's go back inside." He only barely looked at her as he went first toward the front door, leaving it open for her.
Once she closed the door, she leaned up against it watching him fuss around cursing to himself. This was the worst time to bring up anything, let alone have a conversation with him.
"Kara, hello?" Donovan waved his large hand in front of her eyes.
"Oh sorry, what'd you say?"
"I was asking about dinner? Are you starting on it or are we going out later tonight...again?"
She twitched at the way he said he word "again" like he blamed her for eating out. It wasn't like he couldn't afford it; he preferred to stay in most nights than others.
"No, I haven't started it yet, I will. I'm sorry."
He sighed heavily, "I'm exhausted, I'll be upstairs. Rather have dinner at home. Can you get it started?"
She nodded as he turned around and disappeared upstairs. Kara's nose twitched. He had been usually tired from work but this was different, it seemed like he was mad at her out of the blue. She knew dinner was important but if it was late they would try to get to take out or go somewhere to eat. Donovan hardly ever made a fuss over it. Sometimes he thought it was the easier option. His demeanor was off tonight. She couldn't put her finger on it but something was wrong and she had the feeling he was hiding something.
"That's so silly." She shook her head of that thought and walked to the kitchen to begin cooking dinner.
Her shoulders huddled for a moment. She grabbed an apron and tied it around her waist. This gnawing feeling, it was same one she had whenever she saw something that didn't feel right. She checked the clock over the stove and bit her lip. She had only thirty minutes until he would be out, and usually he did get ready shortly after his showers. Soon he was going to be downstairs. That wasn't enough time.
She wiped the sweat off her brow and pulled her hair back in a ponytail and did everything she normally had done many times before at a speedier rate. She didn't like it but she didn't want to see that look in his eyes again. She brushed it off as him being exhausted and she was going to stick with that reason.
She gasped herself awake. It was that dream again. A nightmare. They just wouldn't go away. Evangelina Warren brushed her hair out of her eyes and wiped the sweat that formed across her forehead. It's happened again, the dreams, the visions, she tried brushing it off as if it were nothing but they were too strong, too real. Like another force was trying to hold onto her and never let go.
She slowly glanced at her alarm clock and sighed heavily. This was going to be a long night ahead. Tomorrow is the day she leaves. Everything she knew, her friends, family, it all comes to an end tomorrow morning. She didn't see it as a good thing, it's just, her parents didn't know any better.
The school they were taking her to, Sword and Cross, a special school for people like her. The damaged. The forgotten. Fallen from society and given to state elites who probably couldn't careless about curing whatever Eva had. She clutched her pillow and buried her face wanting to suffocate herself already. She can only imagine just how downcast she was going to feel before stepping through those doors. Her parents spoke very little of it, which made her feel worse. Either way, she wouldn't feel safe.
She shut her eyes and tried to keep any ill thoughts of tomorrow at bay. The worried lines appeared between her eyes then forced out by her own will. She was going to force herself to deal with her situation.
She would worry about it tomorrow, the next day of the rest of her new life.
Barry made his way down the corridor and stopped before entering the main control room at Star Labs.
He'd been doing a lot of thinking, mostly about what happened last night, all the people that were hurt because of Rainbow Raider's influence over his behavior. He was a man of truth but this was taking it to an extreme. And it was all his fault, for walking into something he knew he couldn't handle. What happened was truly unforgivable but he had to try.
He was the type of person to hold his feelings in before exploding. That explained why he erupted so harshly on his friends, everyone felt the wrath. It was like waking up from a bad dream, one that he wanted to wake up from. Barry shook his head, trying to compose himself before he took his first step back into the lab.
It was late, he checked the time which read past working lab hours. He had a feeling she would be here, it would be unlikely if she went home early. Knowing what he knew of her so far, he had her figured for drowning herself in work for distractions. His eyes wandered the room until he found her.
Swallowing slowly he had a better look of how she was when she thought no one was looking at her. Barry observed her eyes pinned to the paperwork in front of her, unflinching, completely focused. Her hair was done up with a pencil, he rarely saw her like this. Normally she would be styling her tresses but it looked like she only cared about finishing work to making sure she looked perfect. Which didn't make much of a difference, she still looked beautiful.
That was the thing, she didn't have to try, she was perfect, in Barry's eyes. She was...she felt like...Barry couldn't put his finger on it but he knew she was something special. Just glancing her way, staring at her in her natural work environment, almost nakedly, he felt like a voyeur.
Barry licked his lips and stuffed his hands into his jean pockets as he walked inside, trying not to startle her but wanting her to notice him. Funny how he wanted this; in the moment he knew he probably wasn't going to be forgiven for what he said, what he did to make her upset. It wasn't really him, they both knew that, but did she really? He watched her hands reach inside her make shift hair clip, pulling the long pencil out as she shook her hair, flipping it as her fingers passed through the middle.
He found himself staring at the way her hand moved gracefully through her hair, part of him wondering what that would feel like for him. He pushed those thoughts away and made a noise to clear his throat. Watching as her head picked up, her mouth parted but she immediately turned back to working. Her jaw and cheekbones were reacting but she made no knowledge of his presence. Barry sighed, he knew this was going to be rough and he had to repair their friendship, he just knew it was the most important thing to him.
"Caitlin, hey..."
"Hello." She said in a monotone voice without picking up her head, jotting something down.
Barry walked over to get a better look at what she was really doing. It seemed like more test results were coming in on his own speed and she had been saving the records. Caitlin was the brains of his anatomy, Caitlin was the first person he allowed to touch him and now it appeared she didn't want to examine him anymore that way. It was going to be a strained piecing back together what they had. In a short amount of time they had grown close, almost sometimes a little too close and for sure closer than he thought he would with someone he just recently met.
"I—uh, how are you?" Barry said, trying not to stammer but failing.
Caitlin slowly blinked, keeping her composure for the time being. Her mind reeled back to yesterday when Barry said what he said to her. Her memory flashed back but she shook it away as quick as it appeared. She could feel Barry move closer to her.
"Fine."
Barry swallowed; she doesn't sound it or look it. In fact she looked like she really didn't want to see him again. Watching her face struggle to keep composure made his efforts more of a challenge. He knew he had to try though.
"About yesterday..."
"Can we not..." She paused, sternly turning to face him. "...do this?" She quietly but assertively affirmed, putting her attention back on the paperwork; she did her best to ignore him.
Barry sighed, placing his hands on the desk near her. "I need to say something. I know you don't want to hear it but I have to."
Caitlin clucked her tongue; her jaw grew tense as she ground her teeth. Barry was beginning to press her buttons.
"I need to you know that yesterday, that me, the guy that you saw saying those awful things, that wasn't me. I could never...live with myself if I hurt any of you guys. These past months have been hard, for all of us, without you guys I would never be able to help people. You guys gave me that. And you...Caitlin, you have to realize I didn't mean any of those things I said."
Caitlin rolled her eyes, she wasn't buying it. "Sounds like bullshit."
"Which part?" Barry dumbly asked, silently cursing himself as she narrowed her eyes, stopping her pen from moving.
She looked directly at him, piercing his eyes with hers to the point of daggers shooting his way. "You looked right at me and said what I didn't want to hear. You said exactly what you felt, what does it matter if you hurt me or not? It was the truth, or whatever, what you think is the truth. There is nothing left to say anymore. Let's just forget it."
"But that's the thing here. It hurt you. It was wrong and Caitlin, you need to know how sorry I am. You have to know I didn't truly mean it. That wasn't me."
She stood up abruptly, moving past him as she went inside the testing lab, absentmindedly staring at the chemicals in their flasks. She closed her eyes and prayed this wasn't happening, that he never really came by. That they were eventually going to forget it happened. But what she was more mad at was not that he hurt her, she'd been used to getting hurt, but how much truth what he said actually held. The weight of it was pushing her shoulders down as she slumped over the counter. She'd been so stable up until this point. So calm, so together. She held herself beyond what she believed she had inside her.
But Barry, him being here. The sincerity in his tone, the brief moment where she looked in his eyes and saw who he really was. It was all too much for her to handle.
"I'm not just going to let this go Caitlin. I know I can't make you believe me when I say how sorry I am for the things I said about you. But we are still working together, I don't want something like this to affect our work, I want you to at least know how I really feel."
Caitlin's eyes started to water, she shut them before any tears fell down. "I already know."
"No, you don't. You can't even look at me right now."
She pretended like she was storing something away as he followed her around the lab. Barry was so close she could hear his breathing and felt it fan her naked neck when she pulled her hair out of her eyes, swiping it to the side. She hoped he didn't see her with that pencil in her hair, nobody can know how broken she is that couldn't even take care of herself.
"Barry, go home."
"No, not until you look at me."
Caitlin's eyes narrowed but still kept her back turned. She figured he'd take a hint and leave like she hoped. Instead what happened was the moment she moved to leave the room herself, he touched her arm before grabbing it gently.
"Cait..." Barry said softly, unaware that his voice dropped volumes near her.
She didn't know what to do. She couldn't find it in her to look him directly in his eyes; that would be too much. What he said, and what he's saying right now, she wished he would have just let it go.
"This silence is killing me, please say something. I can't continue to work with you like this. We have to go on but I don't want to like this. You know, deep down we can't. There was a reason why I almost couldn't do this, but knowing how much I hurt you, the look on your face, it's still so fresh. I can't live with myself. I couldn't wait any longer. Please, do you understand me?"
Caitlin swallowed roughly; she had no choice but to look at him. He was being gentle with her but he was also closing in the space between them. She was aware of how much space he closed in when she drew in a sharp breath. Unable to mask it, she acted as if it didn't happen.
"Barry...you...I, you need to just let this go. Forget what I said. Forget everything. For all our sakes." Caitlin barely managed to get out.
He wasn't having it, he wasn't going to give up but his grip loosened around her arm. He didn't want to pressure her, it was just killing him. Seeing her in so much pain. Knowing how much she's lost, he felt personally responsible for making things worse for her.
"This wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't true. I don't want you to think that. I said so much shit yesterday."
Caitlin's eyes shifted, she couldn't face him. The more he denied it, the more it became true. The more she was just going to be eternally like this. Helpless. Lonely. Longing. Recycling old emotions and projecting them onto people that didn't deserve them.
"But it was my fault. I shouldn't have..."
Barry grew brave and cupped her face, they were moving beyond even professionalism. "No, you were right. About it all. I was reckless. I was the one who went in head on, you were concerned for me. You were being that way with me because you meant it. I know it was because you were worried. I wasn't thinking straight. To bring up...I shouldn't have. I am so sorry. Caitlin," his hands took hers gently, "please, you did nothing wrong."
Caitlin caught herself before she made herself go further. She swallowed roughly and backed away from Barry, keeping her intense emotions inside. This wasn't going to happen here, not now. Not when she cried herself to sleep yesterday.
"I think...I think you should go." Caitlin brought her eyes to his, crestfallen. "Like I told you, there's nothing else to say."
Barry bit his lip, hesitating before questioning her statement. There was something bothering him about the way she said that. He was giving her another chance to come forward.
"Caitlin, you don't need to deal with this alone. No matter what, Cisco, Dr. Wells, all of us, we're here for you when you need us. Me...I'm here right now."
She closed her eyes slowly before opening them just as slow. The rapid blinking effecting her emotions, she wouldn't cry, she couldn't. No one sees her cry. No one can know just how deep the cuts run in her flesh. Each someone brings up Ronnie, what happened to him. She now understood what wives, fiancés, girlfriends go through of soldiers who die in the heat of sacrifice. She was living it. And Barry was taking a sledgehammer to the wall she'd built since the tragic accident.
"Look, I don't need you to remind me of what I've lost. I don't need anyone to for that matter. Forget it, OK? I'm through with hearing about this and talking about it. Leave it alone Barry. Just...go home." Caitlin whispered the last part.
Barry heard and felt the anguish in her last strangled words to him. He swallowed slowly, not leaving as she wished but not advancing forward to scare her anymore than she already is.
"Cait..." he started but she nearly glared at him when he used that name she secretly wanted to hear all the time but wouldn't allow herself the gesture. She was mad at Barry and was trying to let him know it but it was failing her. The calm serenity in his voice was easing her personal demons. If she allowed him to get closer to her, god the pain—the pain—would only be her detriment. "Caitlin...we all have this...there's this pain we all carry but it feels different for all of us because it can be too much to take. We all deal with it in our own way, but please; you need to know you don't have to take this all on your own. Please, I'm asking you to forgive me and to trust me."
Caitlin's tears got the better of her as they slid down her cheeks. "You think it's going to be easy?"
"No, I know it's not but I still want you to. I know I hurt you the worst. I do know that now..."
Those were hard words to swallow. Caitlin just wanted him to leave, if she faced everything now she would be worried if her sanity ever came back.
Barry reached for her hand suddenly, his hand other wiping the tears that spilled down her cheeks.
"I know why you said that and I—I know you think I was thinking of Ronnie, but, to be honest, for the first time, I wasn't."
Barry's brows tensed. He wondered what she meant by that. "What do you mean?"
Her eyes grew and she tried to get away from him but he sped right next to her.
"You know you can't run from me." He said, moving closer to her, unaware he was doing it, more shocked she was letting him.
She couldn't bring herself to look at him.
"I don't know. I don't know what I mean." She said, unsure if she should have said that out loud. She was sure she thought it before but actually saying it in front of Barry of all people.
"Caitlin, what is it? What's wrong? You're shaking."
Barry was now holding her shoulders gently, Caitlin was aware of him doing this and she tried to get away from him.
"Stop it, just stop it. You can't just do that..."
Barry held his hands up, his eyes growing wide. "Doing what? I don't know what I'm doing. Caitlin, I'm trying to apologize to you, why can't you believe me? You know me, you know who I am."
Caitlin slowly stared up at Barry, his eyes were mirroring hers, the glazed look catching up with hers. He looked beyond confused and empathic, it was like he felt exactly what she did. "Why are you doing this to me?"
"Doing what? Caitlin, I don't know what's going on? Would you please tell me why? I'm lost here." Barry's voice started to crack and Caitlin was barely hanging on as it is. "Talk to me."
"No..." She mustered out in a breathy voice.
Barry was beyond confused. "Caitlin, what?"
She swallowed roughly.
He took a step closer, she wasn't pushing him away just avoiding his eyes. He brought his hand to her cheek, brushing it gently with the back of his hand. He looked closer into her eyes, feeling a mixture of confusion and a strong power he didn't recognize.
"I could never leave you." Barry said.
"He did!" She cried softly and closed her hand over his, holding on gently. "Every time you leave, you do."
Barry relaxed his tense expression, holding her hand as they sat down together.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know how much you...cared more than I thought. I never thought, I guess I never really knew how much I mean to other people. To you."
She was silent but he smiled at her. "You are my personal doctor, after all."
"Yeah, I am."
Caitlin found the strength to look into his eyes, holding his gaze for a moment. "I never know when it's the last time. I can't help but think I've lived this before. It makes me feel so useless, even as a doctor, your doctor. To know that every time you go out there, without thinking, going straight into the line of fire, that it might be the last time I see you. I just don't want to hear it. Not this, not again. It would be my worst nightmare coming true."
Barry sat closer so she wouldn't have to lean and strain her body.
"I guess when I was in that awful mindset I knew how you really felt. I remembered everything, I would give anything for you to forgive me.
Caitlin thought over this for several moments, Barry was patient with her until her eyes made contact with his again. His body almost shook at the amount of vulnerability she showed. He bit his lip nervously waiting for her answer.
"Yeah, I can. I needed to hear it though. Because it's true, all of it. I'm in love with you Barry Allen."
Barry's heart beat faster, even as a speedster, and he suddenly found it hard to swallow. A myriad of feelings came rushing on every corner and inch of his body and he found himself in a daze.
He was too busy in his reverie that he didn't notice Caitlin standing up to put away her papers silently. Barry sped, turning her around as he smashed his lips against hers without another word. He felt her relax as she responded back tenderly, they had no idea what was happening and they didn't care. All they wanted to do was stay like this, for as long as they could.
"I knew that already." Barry said, smiling against her lips as he went in for another soft kiss, sinking in the moment as she followed his lead.
We have received so many nominations that we have now locked up a handful of categories early, you still have time to nominate your favorites. Here are the current categories that are closed from nominations.
Best Caitlin Snow, Best Barry Allen, Best Killer Frost, Best Romance, Best Drama, Best AU, Best Mature, Best Angst, Best Dialogue, Best Series, Best One shot, Favorite Author.
Categories still open:
Best Dark, Best Fantasy, Best College, Best Original, Most Realistic, Best Love Triangle, Best Sequel, Best Mini Fic.
Keep nominating guys! We’re getting close to the official announcement!
Hey guys!
Just thought I’d introduce an official awards to the Snowbarry fandom to celebrate and congratulate all the dedicated hard work us underdog writers deserve for creating art with our stories.
My mission statement has been that writing, for the most part, is extremely hard. It’s a personal struggle that cannot be described, but it is very frustrating when the words aren’t coming. And when it does happen and you post it publicly, you want acknowledgement for every single second, minute and hour you poured into each word.
I know this firsthand because I myself have struggled to reach an audience. Let me know tell you, when you are a new writer struggling to gain an audience for multiple chapters you worked hard on, it can be disheartening to continue writing.
My creative writing teacher always told me, write, just write, that is its own reward. The truth is, we want feedback, we want praise. We want to know somebody heard and understood us, this means the world. So here we are, the first official launch of the Fall 2019 Snowbarry Fanfiction Awards.
I made a form for you guys to start nominating on and spread around the fandom. Read the rules and if you have any questions, send me a message. Pass it along to your friends, readers and anybody you know in your heart that deserve a reward for all their hard work. Thanks guys! Keep the Snowbarry Pride Alive! Happy nominating!
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