All The Stars

Where we came forth, and once more saw the stars

[problemattic]

》 Corvid - adult - he/it (no they)

☼ Self harm addict. sober but by no means recovered

✻ Feb 1, 2025 <- my stop date

☼ minors kindly DNI

[problemattic]

lol antipsychotics have been giving me a ton of weight gain and lowkey I think I'm going to revive my eating disorder on a low level. being on an antipsychotic with high weight gain risk qualifies you for glp-1 agonists so I plan to ask my psychiatrist about one tomorrow. I don't want to lose all my weight because I'm trying to get my buff boy body so I need some weight... I just want that weight to be muscle

I feel like crawling out of my skin. I have so much fat on me now and it's in a lot of places that make me dysphoric. everyone says the weight looks good on me but I hate it.

[problemattic]

it has been a year (well, tomorrow technically) since I last self harmed :)

[problemattic]

this joke is going here and not my main blog

if you asked me which is worse: my chemistry classes or my years of self harm addiction? I would say "give me back my razor blades pls"

[k1ttysposts]

[problemattic]

I am desperately in need of a razor blade

[problemattic]

I want to go back. but. I just got back in school and I know I will rapidly spiral out of control. this is my last chance, if I fail more classes I'm just done

[mentally-ill-loser-rants]

Venting to people?? ❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌

Cutting myself?? ✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅

[problemattic]

addiction is so ingrained in my brain that 6½ months later I still find myself grabbing gauze and alcohol wipes only to remember that I don't even own razor blades anymore

[problemattic]

my class schedule is giving me 17 hour long days. how much money are we putting on me being destabilized and relapsing during the semester? 😹

[problemattic]

officially 6 months but also I'm still scrolling this blog practically daily. I don't feel like I'm healing at all.

[problemattic]

I need the feeling of blood on my arm again

[hel7l7]

I'm drowning in my past and I don't know how to get out!

[problemattic]

daydreaming about self harm and/or killing myself literally every free moment I am in hell

[problemattic]

I keep doing pros and cons of going back to self harm and like there really aren't many pros besides "feel better" but that is starting to really outweigh everything else. yeah, it would ruin my tattoo plans and worry my friends and possibly put me in the hospital if it gets bad and I would spiral out of control it wouldn't be "just once" but... I would feel better. even if it's temporary. because I'm fucking tired y'all and this is better than actually killing myself

[problemattic]

sometimes I want to cut myself so badly I get nauseous thinking about it. why am I even trying to stop? I don't see a point.

my plan: wait my year so I can get a tattoo on my arm right near my wrist. go right back to cutting. that's the most dangerous spot, I won't cut over the tattoo.

but at the same time I don't want tiny sad scars under that tattoo. once the tattoo is there I can't move it. I can't temporarily store it away while a deeper cut heals. hhhh so maybe I continue, get deeper scars, and then "recover" and get my tattoo

[jumpgun]

"how do you cope" i dont . im a man i kill myself like a man every day i wake up and kill myself 100 times . for lunch i take 300 painkillers and die . dinner time ? i die . dont ask me shit