The Great Thing About Being a Quiet Person
My coworkers say the darndest things and I have a virtual truckload of out of context quotes from Chipotle Employees:
-“they’re smoking cigarettes together they must be fuckin”
-“everyone’s a little gay and if your not you’re either Catholic or lying”
-“…see a painting around the house and be like ‘ooh that sexy ass little artwork’l
-“I am the meat master.”
-“where is the spouty boi?”
-“He wishes he had a stick up his ass.”
-“I know. I love guacamole so much I would literally bathe in it.” Sir please don’t
-“he’s an informant. Look at the people he’s sitting with. That guys an assassin.”
-“what makes you happy?” “…other people’s pain”
-“there’s a snake in my boot” “what the fuck”
-“it’s so fucking stupid that I have to be here until 3” “language” “I just want some fucking validation”
-“I just needed to pee.”
-“I’m allergic to eggs so could you wipe down the line please.” “We don’t use eggs here.” “There’s eggs in ranch dressing” *points at sour cream*
-
-“I texted Ben to let him know and his response was “good job me”
-“I genuinely hated you until you slammed me into the walk-in”
-“Guack. You want some guack. I got some guack for you.”
-“are you going back to school?” “January” “have you very thought about…not?”
-“we don’t have bandaids so I’m just gonna have to bleed.”
-“my favorite is the time she called him a bitch ass weenie”
-“this check is bullshit”
-“there’s Whoopie pies in the office” “why?” “I don’t know.”
-“we could shoot each other.” “No that wouldn’t work, I’d be less inclined to shoot you than I would myself.”
-”Jesus was a zombie.””zombieism is caused by a virus” “and Jesus had it” ”THAT WASNT A VIRUS IT WAS THE HOLY SPIRIT”
-”I thought about trying drag once.” “Spencer says you put it on and you feel beautiful”
-”My dad threw a terrarium at my head.”
-”my mom voted republican.”
-“are you a fuckboy Meg?”
-“have you ever seen a dead body!”
-“crack is holy right?”
-“I bet the Devil gives great blowjobs.”
-“my entire body hurts.” “Do your toes hurt?” “Yes.” “What about your heart?” “I don’t have one.”
-“Gay of the Dead: Drag me to hell. Gay of the Dead: Drag Queens Rising. Gay of the Dead: Catwalking Dead” *catwaks across kitchen* “yeah I know how to do that.”
-“oops. Sorry Meg.” “Stop apologizing to me.” “Sorry Meg.”
-“You’re so pretty when you smile.” “You’re so handsome when you bleed.”
-“You make tea hot Pete!” “Yeah. But not in a fucking saucepan.”
-“Did you know there was something Hitler hated more than Jews?” “What?” “Asparagus. He hated asparagus.”
-“Hypoglycemia is just pussy ass diabetes.”
-“that’s some shit only someone who’s gay as fuck says.”
-“if you don’t get your dick sucked by a man at least once in your life have you even lived?”
-“Ive never thought about George Clooney sucking my dick.”
-“…people are going to church like ‘I’m gonna go worship Jesus’ meanwhile I’m being buttfucked in a truck.”
-“…boners in the walk-in.”
-“Buzzfeed is what white People yell when they get into fights.”
-“…once you suck a dick for free money is just an added bonus.”
-“have you ever seen a dildo so big your like who the fuck would use that?”
-“there’s zucchini’s that are like moderate size. They’re not massive.”
-“…of the one where the guy rips his ballsack open with a screwdriver.”
-“…people were like taking meat cleavers and chopping their dicks off.”
-“Can y’all imagine if polio was an STD?”
-“her tumblr feed is about to get so dark if she’s writing this shit down.” “It was bound to happen.”
-“I hate field trips and Chads”
-“I took a picture of my cats butthole.”
-“Halloween Hack: if you want a slutty costume just buy a kids costume instead.”
-today’s whiteboard
-“don’t eat ass. And god if a boy tries to put his index finger in your ass don’t let him.”
-“Sometimes you just pass out while shrimping.”
-“it’s only love if you eat ass.”
-“only eat ass of it’s a girl. They can’t get you pregnant.” “Also girls assholes are usually not as hairy.”
-“I just got this knife and it already sounds like a bag of dicks.”
-“we’ll drink a thing of box wine out of my pumpkin. Have a great time. Dress Kyzair and Spencer in drag.”
-“how are your tomagotchis. You still feeding them taking them for walks?”
-“I’m going get a tumblr and make it asthetic as fuck and I’m gonna follow you.”
-“I didn’t go to college. Do you know the constant of gravity?” “No.” …”but gravity doesn’t exist.” “Peter I swear to god I’m gonna steal your teeth.”
-“my everyday costume is someone who’s okay.”
-*sneezes* “bless you.” “Thank you. Oh my god that piece of steak is shaped like a perfect heart. Adorable.” “Aww. Perfect for Halloween.”
-“I accidentally just said a racist thing and I feel weird about it.”
-“is it broom or broom?”
-“All the way hard core nonstop all night.”
-“I’ll piss my pants and I don’t care. It’s a burrito.”
-“I killed my parents. Buried them in the backyard. The dog helped me. He’s the one who told me to do it. I said ‘mr stinky I’m not gonna do it.’”
-“I wish her all the happiness in the world, but away from me.”
-“Whoo! That’s hotter than Satan’s butthole.”
-“any salsa?” “I’ll have mild, mayonnaise, and some cheese.” “You…you mean sour cream?”
-“dumb bitches want dumb things”
-“wow these chips taste like ass. But not the good kind of ass.”
-“see I want a kid because in a few years they grow up and they’re goats.”
-“I know my sisters the lesbian and you can’t count on her for kids”
-“but I’m the half-gay kid”
-“I heard the egg joke and then I left.”
-“I need a cigarette.” “I need a marijuana.”
-“serious question. How much money would you suck a dick for?” “What?” “Like, if you liked the guy how much money would it take for you to suck his dick.” “It would have to depend.” “On the guy or on the dick?” “Uh????”
-“were smoking a fat joint…!”
-“did your parents ever tell you not before marriage?” “My parents never actually gave me the talk.” “What?!”
-“life is meaningless.” “I don’t think you’re a Christian.”
-“my three goals in life are to meet Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Become President and then get assassinated.” “How much money you got?” “Seven dollars. Why?” “I’ll do it right now for seven bucks.” “You’ll assassinate me right here, right now, for seven dollars?” “Yes.”
-“Dwayne Johnson is at real.”
-“smash or pass. Sofritas.”
-“Fuck Marry Kill. Steak Barabacoa Chorizo. Go.”
-surprised me with the love of my life Travis. God I love this place.
-“say skrtt skrtt. Just once.”
-“skrtt.” “OH my God she did it!”
-“I just want her to say ‘Eskeddit’” “Yeah That’s not happening.”
-Bailey really wants a roomba.
-Meg is watching and she is not pleased. Do better.
-“were trying to get Travis to cuff you.”
-“what are the base colors for your wedding gonna be?” “Yellow.” “Are you sure Travis is gonna be okay with that?” “He’s going to have to be.”
-“what flavor is your cake going to be?” “Uh…chocolate? Why is this a discussion we’re having?”
-“I’m a disappointment to you just like I am to my God damn father” “I’m not your dad!”
-“is today Monday or Tuesday?” “Wednesday.” “Oh shit…. I don’t remember Monday.” “Gotta stop doing the hard drugs.”
-“friends don’t call other friends white supremacists!”
-“all I want is some consistency from this darn towels!”
-“you didn’t like the post I tagged you in!” “I was working! I’m sorry!”
-“could you imagine if I was pregnant?” “Yeah it’s called fetal alcohol syndrome.”
-“your opinions are completely valid.” “You’re on tumblr too much.”
-“…but because I have a penis I can’t be the little spoon…”
-“we got some fat citrus today. Thicctrus is what they call it”
-“I’m trynna YEET my wheat my way out of here.”
-“we’re having children but in a stylish way.”
-“murder”
-“my moms name is Kim” “is she a bitch?” “My mother is a wonderful lady!”
-“you guys have made me so angry that now I have to poop.”
-“thanks mom.” “Never say that again, please.” “Okay Daddy Meg.” (That’s so much worse btw)
-“bitch”
I know what it is. I’m an adult. I went to public school I’m not an idiot. Nick can get it he can take it he can give it he can have it.
-tried to convince me Ben (General Manager) was dead in February
-Ben actually left back in February and told Emily not to tell me. I am currently two weeks away from being back, found out two days ago.
-I’m not even mad.
-“you can’t just send my dick pic to people.”
-“stop lying! We know you don’t have eyebrows”
-“I don’t get enough calories. I need the yolk!”
-“you put on a PUPPET SHOW?!”
-“lying in school? Are you lying right now?”
-“Dont be a bitch.”
-“that’s not very cash money of you”
-*prolonged eye contact* *like extremely intense prolonged eye contact* “are you here for your check?” “It’s 10:15 in the morning, why would I be here for my check?”
-“I WAS DRUNK!” “YOURE NEVER DRUNK ENOUGH TO TAKE IT FROM BEHIND BRAH”
-“he probably cries after sex because it’s emotional for him to be inside a vagina.”
-“…the laugh of a man who doesn’t care if you live or die.”
-“are you high Jon?” “Yeah. High on Christ. High on the Holy Spirit.”
-“you dont eat ass with your eyes.”
-“if you can’t trust your nuts wear a fucking condom.”
-“can you tell God I’m sorry for sucking that dick when I was 19?”
-“do you think Meg’s pretty?” “Uh. Sure?” “Okay back off!”
-“do you think everyone in the Simpsons had jaundice?”
-“…it’s just unrealistic, Ryan Gosling wouldn’t be that bad at football.”
-“it’s the trololol song”
-“that’s three generations of teenage pregnancy”
-“I need to staple my pants back together.”
-“he threw an onion at my ass!”
-“Meg we need your weird muscles.” “Yeah! Strong women!”
-“I guess two years of lifting a cheese shredder will do that.”
-“You’re seven weeks pregnant?! Congrats!” “No”
-“military Meg is what they call her.”
-“Meg is the female chuck Norris.” “No. Chuck Norris is the female Meg. “Ew.”
-“You’re such a Dad.”
-“where did you get the newspaper?” “Starbucks. I didn’t pay for it.”
-“Pete honey how ya doing?” “‘Honey? You’re such a dad Meg.” “Okay champ. How ya doing son?”
-“everyone knows I am Megs firstborn son.”
-“have you peed yet?” “Yes. You sound like my mom.” “I am your mom!”
-“The big ol’ bubbly boi.”
-“we raise warriors here.”
-“I’m starting to really like tea so I’m either getting old or I’m becoming British.”
- *whispers to self* “one pot done. Good job Tristan.”
-“one of your shirts says black beans matter. Black beans do matter! BUT NOT CARNITAS!” *walks away*
-“circumcised or uncircumcised? What do you think?” *me who has never seen a penis before* “Uh I’m indifferent.” “SHES STAYING NEUTRAL.”
-“is this your ring?” “Yeah?” “You’re Irish as fuck!”
-“they call me kawaii in the streets… and senpai in the sheets.”
-“at least Shane Dawson pleasured his animals.”
-“I do not identify as daddy.”
-“Lauryn once asked me what the dog’s name was in Scooby-Doo.” “LAURYN!”
-“Of The Scooby-Doo characters who do you identify as?” “Velma.” “Good. Because if you has said any other character you would have been fucking wrong.”
“…that video of the girl helicoptering….I don’t know if it’s her butthole or her vagina….”
“Is Iggy Azeala still alive? I think about her sometimes.”
-“My dad voted for Trump.” *walks away*
-“DONT get Brenna started on Italians.”
-“BECAUSE they sided with Hitler in world war 2. She dont like ‘em.”
-“Cut me a banana.” “What?”
-“I have done many a thing for a dollar?” “WHAT?”
-“I had a thingy in my throat.” “Was it a frog?”
-“we once had a guy try to sneak a snake into the pool and the ice cream lady snitched on him.”
-“…better than the guy that shot up batman.”
-“hey guys you wanna go larping? No what are you a fucking faggot.”
-“Chad?” “You don’t know who Chad is?!”
-“sometimes when life gives you lemons you just gotta listen to Justin Bieber.”
-“when life gives you lemons, you’re a man sometimes.”
-“will you change your Instagram handle to thick skinned avocado”
-“my name is daddy.”
-“it got me! Corn juice!”
-“sounds like a pirate from pirates of the Caribbean.” “Yeah! What’s his name? Barbados?”
-“all I’m saying is you’ve never seen me and The Rock in the same room.” “I’ve never seen The Rock in person.” “Okay well you’ve never seen me and The Rock on TV at the same time.”
-“BEYONCE?!”
-“who does that shit? Like just fucking sit down if you can’t aim!”
-“I don’t vibe with that, Alice.”
-“hey no homo but I love you.” “We are not the same gender, there is no homo here.” “Did you just assume my gender?” “What if I assumed MY gender?”
-*points at customer walking away* “hey meg, you should date THAT guy. He’s tall.”
-“I want to be a morphine addict.” “No you don’t.”
-“have you pooped yet?”
-“Amish people don’t wear yarmulkes.”
-“my mom Brenda was a S A V A G E”
-“stop screaming at me.” “Rawr”
-“when I left yesterday I was damp from my nipples to my knees”
-“she was a dick but she was my dick.”
-“I’d like to get my lobotomy done at Claire’s.”
-“I’m not a dog, but sometimes I’m a bitch.” “Ha! Get it? Because bitch is another word for a female dog. Ha!”
-“it is biologically impossible for you to be my father.” “That’s racist.”
-“whos megan?” “Oh! That’s me!”
-“don’t shout a number unless I ask!”
-“when guys are mean to you that means they like you.” “Are you flirting with me?” “I am the exception.”
-“when I used to have white friends…”
-“Jazmin I swear to god!” “You swear to him honey!”
-“I fell asleep on my broken futon.”
-“you’re just really comfortable to bump into. So I keep doing it.”
-“don’t be a bitch.” “I’m not being a bitch. I am a bitch.” “Oh okay. Go off.”
-“here’s some flowers where’s my blowjob?”
-“you’re weird and straight.”
-“I think the dentist keeps calling me.”
-“I’m an adult lady with adult acne.”
-“we play competitive lego Harry Potter.”
-“we are all the shiny spoon.” “That was oddly inspirational.”
-“I was born a bitch and I’ll die a bitch.” “No you’re not.” “You don’t know me!”
-“I told my girlfriend I was dating Meg.” “And you’re okay with this?”
-“how’d you get so many tips? Was it the mask?” “Her tiddies.”
-“you get me during the day and she gets me at night. How does your dad feel about this?” “I haven’t told my parents. I don’t want to give them hope.”
-“what’s in West Virginia? Anyone got any landmarks?” “The Alamo.”
-“…Meg with the long arms.” “What?” “She’s lanky.”
- “what’s your favorite movie?” “Disney? Or not disney?”
-“punch me daddy.”
-“isn’t that hitlers last name?”
-“UWU crew!!”
-“Emily called them fat daddy onions.”
-“wait, you have a female lover?”
-“how goes it my good bitch?”
-“Chris Evans could…meet my mom.”
-“You and Lean are gay for each other. Haha homo.”
-“I dipped my boob in adobo.”
-“CHANGE MEEEE!”
-“wheres rachel. Rachel’s pooping.”
-“it’s my fault for being large.”
-“finish that poop up.”
-“oh poopy potatoes!”
-“why do you know Russians?”
-“Russian men are annoying.” “So why do you know Russians?” “business.”
-“did you know the ideal shade of lipstick for a woman is the color of her nipples.” “What?! How do you spell pepperoni?”
-“wild card bitches!”
-“I was accidentally nice to a Trump supporter and now I’m upset.”
-“Ben was a bitch.” “That’s how I like ‘em. Short and bitchy.”
Special shout out to:
-a full blown 20 minute screaming match between me and my work boyfriend about which movie in the Cars Franchise is better. This happened in front of customers on a Saturday afternoon.
- “beep beep.” “What make and model are you?” “…Lightning McQueen.”
-“fuck yeah make me crumb!”
-“yeah I care you dumb bitch!”
-“I look like a garden gnome.” “Yes but a cute garden gnome. Make all the other garden gnomes make happy horny garden gnome sounds.”
-“break out the simp sauce.”
-“he kissed me like I KISS MY MOM”
-“that gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “come Holy Spirit.”
-“I’m so pissed about my mancala beads. I knew I shouldn’t have left them on my dashboard.”
-“I was like fisting the drain.”
-“who dropped all the condoms!” “What?” “It’s a condom fiasco.”
-“THAT IS THE MOST BETA BITCH SUBMISSIVE EMOJI I HAVE SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.”
-“you’re the light of my life.” “Yeah I know.”
-“I missed you so much!” “Stop lying.”
-“you’ve fucked her too many times.” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, he has never fucked me.” “Liar.” (WHAT!?!)
-“you never bit into a cool ranch Dorito and been like this shit is limey?”
-“you can play that pussy like a flute.”
-“I made my ex boyfriend have an anal orgasm using just my tongue so I must have done something right.”
-“I like to put my hand into wet clammy holes.”
-“I love being sexualized by customers.” “What?” “You heard me.” “But did I want to?”
-“Fuck bitches. Get money…I don’t fuck bitches but I do get money.”
-“do I look like I fuck bitches?”
-“look at me. Do I look like I suck dick?”
-“you text and drive if it’s for some PUSSY.”
-“hey! Don’t get my butt on my caterpillars!”
-“Cinco de Mayo is the day white people decide they want Mexican food and then eat Chipotle instead.”
-“spaghetti is straight until it gets wet.” “I’m only gay in the shower.” “I’ll meet you there.”
-“You seem like the type who would enjoy pegging a guy.”
-“You are twenty two fucking years old. You should know better than to piss your pants at work.”
-“She sends me pictures in her bra!” “Okay FIRST OF ALL it’s a sports bra! And he sends me feet pics!”
- “ you look like you smell like swamp ass and red Gatorade”
- “There’s my Bill Clinton impression.”
- “Mambo No. 5, more like President 42.”
- “Pray to the Lord I do not say anything forbidden.”
- “I’m not gonna judge pussys because all pussys are cool even the Arby’s brand ones”
- “I saw mad pussy without asking on tumblr”
- “Fun fact: Bowling For Soup also sang the theme song of legendary Disney Channel Original show Phineas and Ferb.”
- “a minor just full on locked eyes with me and said “Tyler I need cock.””
- “God why am I so sexy?” “Well you exist so…”
- “Big dick bear. Big bear dick. Hung like a horse. I’m hung like a horse. I’m part horse.”
- “This song makes you think yeah fuck Tom Brady?” “This isn’t my Tom Brady playlist.”
- “Just like Will Smith is your god, Adam Sandler is my god!”
- “Sometimes a bitch need to scream.”
- “Do you ever just be wearing a bra and it gives you indigestion”
- “Be gay in this box with me Tyrese.”
- “If Meg Thee Stallion would you be Meg Thee Italian?” “I’m not Italian.”
- “No you cannot fuck Chippy. I’ll have to file an HR complaint.”
- “Hottest Disney dad? Go.” “Is Shrek a dad now?”
- “I can’t make circles! Now you have wonky nipples!”
- “No! There is no sexual tension in this restaurant today!”
- “As long as you bang your boyfriend in socks it’s not gay.”
- “If there’s a hole, somethings coming out of it.” “Girl what the fuck”
- “TOUCH MY FUCKING KNEECAPS!”
- “I don’t want your saliva on my sleeve! This is not a thing I thought I’d say to anybody!”
- “And I have therapy tomorrow, which is good because I’ll be having corn beef and cabbage”
- “My pants are normal length! I just have slightly too long legs!”
- “You’re not my mom. But you are my mommy.”
- “We just touched butts! I think that means we’re married now!” *gagging sounds*
- “Do you ever game so hard your balls sweat?” “When I game hard my balls sweat”
- “I have never trusted a meteorologist. There’s a reason we call them weatherMEN. and that’s because we can’t trust men.”
- “Jesus is 5’1 so that’s the definition of a short king.”
- “His mom still cleans his room! How can he be a stepdad?”
- “In missionary, am I doing too much?”
- “Kachiga my nigga”
- “I WANTED to be Rick rolled”
- “You are twenty two fucking years old. You should know better than to piss your pants at work.”
- “When I get cold I expand.” “That’s adorable.”
- “You can do whatever you say your mind to. Including God.”
- “You kinky piece of shit. Get out!”
- “I’m gonna put you in time out tomorrow.”
- “If you can’t guarantee that you’re going to have a cute baby, that will turn into a pretty adult- just don’t have one”
- “Tits=banana”
- “Tits=ddddanger”
- “I need to stop sleeping like a pretzel”
- *about MILFs* “They’re like marinated with life.”
