Summary: After the loss of his son, Hawk is dancing close to total self-destruction and begging for Tim to come to him. It takes everything in Tim to say no, to keep his distance, but how long can that possibly last? (Spoiler alert: not long.)
Warnings: see tags on AO3 (this story is heavily influenced by canon & nsfw)
Series masterlist: and so with the sunshine (the fire island chronicles)
Setting the scene:
Chapter One: Hawk is flirting with danger on the island
Chapter Two: After months of pleading, Tim decides to go see Hawk
Chapter Three: Tim gets settled on the island and comes to find that he's not entirely welcome
One-shots:
nowhere's home and i'm all wrong / dinner date gone wrong
Say what you want about Hawk, but it is so impressive to me that he got through a lie detector test, not raising his heartbeat once while wearing the tie Skippy gave him. I genuinely could never.
the sun hit the sharp lines of Hawkās chest and collarbone, illuminating him like something sacred, like something Tim had only seen in his dreams. It was gorgeous.
Hawk looked wrecked, he looked ruined, so full of bliss that it hurt.
and it was the most breathtaking thing Tim had seen.
Hawk at the time is flirting with death trying to kill himself, and see if he has the courage to swim out far enough that he can't make it back. And he pushes himself that day and then he gets to the beach, and there's the love of his life waiting for him. And it brings him back to life.
Matt Bomer and Jonathan Bailey, in conversation at 92NY.
You'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling
You'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling
You'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling
Fandom: Fellow Travelers
Characters: Hawkins Fuller, Tim Laughlin, Marcus Gaines
Pairing: Hawk/Tim
Rating: T
Words: 2.958
Summary: After leaving San Francisco, Hawk cannot resist to write Tim one last letter.
A/N: Tho I liked the ending of the show, I just needed to write a fic where Hawk and Tim continue talking to each other for a while longer through letters. Just to warn you: This fic ends on a tragic note, so if you're looking for comfort after watching the finale, this is NOT the right fic for you
[you can also read it on AO3]
Hawk had always wanted his freedom and peace. He had never realized that freedom could feel so lonely.
It had not even been a week since he had returned to an empty home. He had tried to reach Lucy, hoping to make amends, but there had been no luck. Perhaps it was for the better. He knew that she deserved better, yet he still wished she would give him another chance ā if only to cure his loneliness.
Kimberly had reached out, but Hawk had told her that there was no reason to worry, and that she did not have to come by and visit him. He would love to hear his granddaughterās laughter, but right now, he knew that his dismal mood would only ruin everyone elseās fun.
So he remained alone ā alone with his thoughts. And the only person on his mind was Tim.
There were many things he wanted to tell him ā many things he had never said. And he knew that Tim did not want to hear most of them, but Hawk still wished they could have shared a longer conversation.
He had asked Tim not to write, but with each passing day, his own need to write him a letter grew stronger until one day, he sat down on his desk, an empty piece of paper in front of him and a pen in his hand. He stared at it for what felt like an eternity, until finally, he began to write.
Dear Tim,
I know that I have asked you not to write, but I didnāt make such a promise and I needed to write you one last letter. It might be another act of selfishness on my part, as I know that you have asked me to make it easy ā but Iāve never been good at that, nor at keeping my promises. Maybe you didnāt even open this letter. I wouldnāt know, as I donāt expect a reply from you. But I had some time to think about our last conversation, and I could not just leave it at that.
Iāve come to the realization that maybe, in the end, youāve been the stronger person all along. You were always the more compassionate person ā the emotional one ā and in all honesty, I have always admired that. But maybe Iāve also admired your strength and resilience. I wasnāt aware of that when we first met, but the many years that have passed since then made it impossible to ignore. You have been braver and more determined than I have ever been. You once called me a coward for not believing in anything and not caring about anyone, and you were right. I was a coward. You are the one who has always chosen to fight. Even now, Iām almost relieved that you have sent me away ā have set me free. I wouldāve stayed with you until the end, but Iām almost glad that I didnāt have to.
Iāve always known that you are too good ā too good for this world, and too good for me. I have always known that you deserved better, but I couldāve never left you alone. And despite everything I have done, you came out of it even stronger, while still keeping your beliefs and compassion and love.
I guess what Iām trying to say is that Iām glad ā glad that you didnāt let me corrupt you. And I am glad that you donāt regret meeting me. Because I donāt regret meeting you either. There are many things I do regret, but meeting you is not one of them. But to be honest, perhaps the main reason I donāt regret it is because youāve told me that you feel no regret either. And I am grateful for that.
I know that you are surrounded by people that love you ā fighting the fight you were always meant for. My presence would only disturb you. I guess you donāt need me anymore after all. And I am grateful for that as well.
You have asked me what my reasons for my visit were, and to be honest, Iām still not quite sure. I knew that I wanted to see you ā needed to see you. I guess that some part of me hoped that you were not doing as bad after all. And I also hoped to make amends of sorts. Then I stayed because ā I believe I stayed because I needed to. Maybe it was an attempt to make up for lost time, I donāt know. I do wish we couldāve spent more time together. It was my fault that we didnāt, I know that as well. Maybe, in the end, I visited because I could never truly let you go either. And this was my chance to see you again. And I am glad that I took that chance.
Sincerely,
Hawk
He read over it several times, wondering if he should send it. Those might be his last words to him, and maybe he was only disrupting him again. But Skippy could always decide not to open it.
He folded the letter, put it in an envelope and made sure it would be sent by tomorrow.
//
The days passed. Hawk had decided to visit Kimberly one day, and it had helped ease his mind for a moment ā but only a moment. After it, he had returned to an empty home again. It was quite strange. Several times, he had the urge to call Lucy, if only to inform her what he had been up to, just like he had always done to calm her mind. But then he realized that she did not care anymore. There was no one that cared.
Then, one day, a letter arrived ā by Tim.
A smile appeared on Hawkās face. Of course he had not been able to resist writing back to him. He went inside then, hastily opening the letter.
Dear Hawk,
I guess Iām not good at keeping promises either. But to be fair, all those years ago, youāve also broken your promise not to write, so I might just do the same. And you sent me a letter first, after all.
I shouldāve never expected for you to leave silently ā though to be honest, I didnāt really expect it. Just like you probably knew very well that I would read your letter and reply to it ā otherwise you wouldāve never sent it.
It was simply impossible for me not to reply to your words. I have never truly considered you a coward, neither would I call myself brave. People want different things in life, and that is fine. What matters is that we make the choices we believe will make us happy. Despite all the trouble and pain, you have always made me happy. And that is why I canāt regret the time we got to spend together. And I have always wished for you to find your own happiness, even if it was not with me.
Back after Senator McCarthyās funeral, when Mary informed me that you have reported me, I was looking for you, ready to confront you about it. I know that you probably believed I have accepted it then, or that I hated you, but I have been ready to fight for this. But when I arrived at the hospital, I saw Jackson ā a sweet, newborn baby. And I have realized then that your true happiness would be with your family, not me. I was not part of your life, and I never could have been. I wouldāve only disrupted your happiness. And I very much hope that youāve been able to find that happiness.
I definitely found mine. Iām glad to be where I am right now ā well, for the most part at least. But life is never predictable, and Iāve tried to make the most out of it, and I will continue to do that. And you were and are an immeasurable part of that life. I might have never come that far had it not been for you. If anything, you gave me that strength you were talking about.
I meant it when I said that I donāt regret anything. I, too, wish we couldāve spent more time together. But I donāt mourn the time we didnāt have. I cherish the time we did have. And I hope that you can do the same.
With love,
Tim
Hawk read through that letter, again and again, a smile on his face. Was Tim trying to comfort him? It almost sounded like it, and it was ridiculous considering Hawk was in excellent health and Tim was not. But at the same time, it was exactly who Tim was. He had read that letter and decided to made it easy for Hawk, even though Hawk had not been able to make it easy for him.
Hawk knew that he should leave it at that, but he could not. So he went to his desk, sat down and began to write.
Dear Tim,
Of course I knew that you could never resist replying to me. That is the only reason why it took me over a week to write you that letter.
I know I should not reply, but I guess Iāve never been able to stay away from you either. From the moment I first saw you ā that sweet looking boy ordering a glass of milk ā I knew that you would forever be imprinted on my mind. That has not changed, and never will.
Iām glad you found your happiness, despite my best efforts to keep you from it. I canāt tell you whether I found mine. To be honest, I donāt think it has ever been happiness I was looking for. Itās always been freedom. Yet I came to realize that freedom does not mean that I am happy, and I guess that I wanted freedom because I believed it would give me happiness as well.
I thought that a secure and private life would grant me freedom and happiness. Maybe, what I was looking for simply doesnāt exist. Or maybe it does exist but Iāve never considered it to be freedom. Iāve never thought of you and me together as freedom, but I did feel free when I was with you ā I felt happy when I was with you. Maybe only temporarily, but life is merely temporary after all.
I noticed that you didnāt mention anything of whatās been going on in your letter. Maybe you donāt want to talk about it, but I still have to ask: How are you? Did whatever plan you had concocted with Marcus and the others work? Are you back at the hospital?
Sincerely,
Hawk
//
Weeks passed and Hawk was almost certain that Tim decided to either not read his letter or did not want to reply to it. Maybe it had been his questions at the end, and he damned himself for asking them. Tim had asked him to leave his life, and yet he had been trying to intrude on it again.
But as time passed, he also began to worry and was considering calling Marcus to ask whether Tim was doing alright.
Then, however, a letter arrived and when Hawk saw the handwriting, a wave of relief washed over him.
Dear Hawk,
First, I have to clarify that when I said that I have found happiness, that this happiness does include you. The love I hold for you has been an immense part of my happiness, and that will never change. You have been a tremendous part of my life, and our time together had brought me unimaginable joy ā and pain, of course, but that does not overshadow the love I feel for you.
I realized that you, too, didnāt mention anything about whatās going on in your life ā not a single word about your family. Perhaps for the same reason I didnāt mention anything either: itās not what those letters are for. If I share everything with you know, I might as well have let you stay with me. These letters are meant as a way for us to say the things we might have never said before. And they will come to an end eventually. Letās not try and turn this into more than it is or can be. Or either we will only end up regretting them.
Perhaps happiness is only temporary. But I still want you to make me one last promise: Please say that you will try to find that happiness, not matter what.
With love,
Tim
After Hawk had finished reading the letter, a long sigh left his lips. Tim was right that those letters could not be more than what they were. He read the first part of his letter again then, a smile on his face. It was sweet how he continued to reassure Hawk of his love, as if he did not know already. Then, the smile left his face again as he realized that he had never done the same ā had never even truly apologized for anything.
He pulled out a sheet of paper then. Those letters were meant as a way to say the things they had never said before, so it would be dumb for Hawk to not take that chance.
Dear Tim,
I canāt promise you that I will find that happiness, but I can promise you that I will try ā even if I donāt know how yet.
Maybe you are right ā these letters are meant for us to say the things weāve not said before. And I believe that there is more for me to say than either of us have time for. But more than anything, I want to apologize.
While I donāt regret meeting you, I do regret hurting you. I have never told you that I am sorry, but please know that I am. If I list every mistake I ever made now, I would probably have to sell this house to pay for the postage. But I still believe that I should have left you alone ā I donāt regret it, but it wouldāve been the decent thing to do. I shouldāve been there for you the countless times you needed me to, but I couldnāt. I was afraid to grow to close to you and had tried to push you away, while knowing very well I could never stay away from you. When I reported you, I did so because I knew this could never work ā I knew I could never raise a family with you by my side. But not because I thought you to be inconvenient ā it was because I knew very well that I would try to keep you in my life. I needed you to be as far away as possible, because I would have always returned to you otherwise ā as I did nonetheless.
Tim ā I have loved you ever since we first met. It might have taken me way too long to realize it, and even longer to admit it to myself. I might never say this to anyone else, but I do want you to know that I did love you ā that I do love you. It is the sole reason as to why I had been incapable of letting you go. It is the sole reason as to why Iāve been trying to push you away. And I will continue to love you, until the day I am buried.
With love,
Hawk
//
The weeks went on and Hawk was impatiently waiting for Timās reply. He did not know what he might say to this, but he did hope that his letter would make him happy. After everything, what Tim deserved most was honesty. And Hawk had spent his entire life lying ā lying to Tim, to his family, to himself. He had told Tim a long time ago that the lie gets easier, but that might have been a lie as well. It felt good to be honest.
Then, finally, a letter arrived. But it was not the one he had expected. It was by Marcus.
Hawkās heart sank. He did not believe that Marcus had ever written him a letter, and he had a terrifying suspicion as to why he had decided to write one now.
Slowly, he went inside, sitting down on the sofa in the living room, staring at the letter. He was afraid to open it, but he knew that whatever that letter contained had already happened. Ignoring it did not change anything.
His hands shaking, he opened the letter.
Dear Hawk,
I believe that you probably know why Iām the one writing you a letter when you have been expecting another one from Tim.
It is done. He is gone. It was as peaceful as it could have been. I want to spare you the details now, as Iām not certain whether you wish to hear anything. You know how to reach me if you wish to know more.
It happened the same day your letter has arrived. I am sorry to tell you this, but he has not read it. The letter arrived too late.
If itās any consolation, I do believe that there was not a single sentence in that letter that Tim had not been aware of. Despite everything, he has always talked about you with love and care. Never has he questioned your feelings for him, nor has he believed your actions to have been malicious. I would even say that he has known you better than you know yourself.
He had been ready to love you until the end, and so he did.
I donāt know if you plan to attend the funeral. If you do, let me know.
mer! if you find it in your heart, i would absolutely die for one of your gorgeous sketches of hawk & tim from "fellow travelers". (i would also take marcus & frankie, because YES.) my favorite era is the 70s, but i would take any of them. and i'm more than happy to provide you with all of the screenshots you might need. <3 i hope you find your groove! the world needs your art.
maybe some private moment where they can indulge in silliness and hand kisses
