dan erickson couldn’t be clearer when he wrote mark choosing helly.
because choosing helly isn’t just running with the love of his life, or exercising that rare innie autonomy. no, not just that.
it’s about choosing an identity.
where mark scout lacked, mark s. corrected. it’s almost like mark scout’s guilt of losing his wife through his many shortcomings, came into mark s. causing him to correct himself.
where mark scout assumed and almost never listened, such as with gemma from assuming she wanted an ant farm instead of a plant farm, or buying a crib without her information, or assuming how she felt when she was doing those small little activities, or assuming alexa was from minnesota and not montana, mark s. actually listened to helly.
or when he didn’t listen to gemma when she said she was nervous the first time, or when she said “i love you” in the last scenes.
in contrast, mark s. was very patient, and very attentive towards helly from day 1. he made sure she didn’t feel abandoned, or didn’t fall in danger on her first day, or tried to make her feel better through mental health walks, and just comforting her.
when helly said she was nervous, he listened carefully, adding that he was too. or tried to figure out what was wrong with helly(helena) in the ORTBO.
sure, initially he did try to make things back to square one, when dealing with loss of petey, just like how mark scout grieved, by pretending that thing never happened and going back to normal, especially when he said to helly, that he liked the work place attitude before helly barged in, but eventually, he did listen and try to be a better version of mark scout.
where mark scout was defensive over being reprimanded for doing the wrong thing, mark s. actually sat down and gave criticism a thought.
sure, mark s. was an asshole sometimes when reprimanded, like how he behaves during irving’s funeral or when helly tried to knock something in him when pointing at petey’s map but then he shredded it, but later on, he did seem to make amends with helly and the team later on.
this isn’t difference between innie and outie.
it’s mark scout’s guilt transcending severance and correcting mark s.’s wrongs.
mark wasn’t just choking on his wife’s ghost. he was choking on his guilt, his guilt of not listening, assuming, and pushing his desires over someone and sidelining them as a person.
it wasn’t love that transcended severance.
mark s. was born out of mark scout’s guilt.
and this guilt was what corrected mark s. when mark scout’s habits started to show. it’s almost as though mark scout was atoning through mark s., correcting his past errors through new relationships, this time with helly.
helly makes mark realise his true identity and grounds him, being a part of the correction of mark scout’s wrongs. in a ways she makes mark s. create an identity apart from mark scout.
it happens slowly, throughout seasons 1 and 2. it’s like when helly entered, mark realises his new identity(innie) in correcting the guilt of his previous one (outie)
by the time mark s. saves gemma. all the guilt had been washed. all of mark’s previous mistakes had been corrected.
when mark is at the equator, between helly and gemma, all the guilt of mark scout’s habits had been corrected.
when he looks at gemma through the door, he isn’t just trying to see a connection towards his supposed wife. but he’s trying to find any string attached to his outie, any responsibility. he’s seeing if there’s any guilt left.
instead he sees a stranger. not only in gemma but his outie too. he sees nothing. he realises he owes his outie nothing.
nothing for gemma transcends because there is no guilt left anymore for mark to go to her. there are no strings for him to be attached to his outie.
he’s free from the burden of guilt from his outie. he’s severed. again.
the equator isn’t just a choice between helly and gemma.
it isn’t any love transcending at all.
it isn’t transcending of any kind at all.
because there’s nothing left. no love, no memories, no guilt. and that’s what makes gemma a stranger.
the equator is severance.
when mark chooses helly, despite reintegrating, he severs from gemma.
he severs from his duties to his outie. he severs from his memories to his outie. he severs from the reason of being born. he severs from his outie.
when he chooses helly, he chooses a new identity. an identity apart form the guilt of his outie. an identity which is completely mark s. an identity that completely belongs to him.
he severs from the guilt and emptiness he was born because of, and he chooses the identity of the fullness and love of helly, he chooses the reason of living, hence severing from his outies
in this way, he passes the test of cold harbor.
not because he feels nothing for gemma. but because, he’s turned all the guilt and shortcomings of mark scout, into the building of an identity for mark s. because there’s nothing left of his outie in him. because now, he’s truly severed.
and this time it’s his decision.
when he chooses helly, he doesn’t just choose love, or freedom or autonomy.
he chooses an identity. an identity which won’t have anything of his outie transcend.
an identity that is purely mark s. made of helly’s love.
