JUST ELLE

[psycheeli]

i am not selling any drugs or whatevah, i’m just the typical college student who uses tumblr to rant over things that made me feel upset or happy or anything. so yea, i am no user nor a drug dealer 💀

my account was hacked last july 29, 2023.

[psycheeli]

redefense

really tried our best dude but the panel’s standard so high even an airplane cant reach -,- we’re only undergrad and we’re supposed or expected to do a Ph. D thesis level. da fuck national university

[escuerzoresucitado]

American dipper (Cinclus mexicanus)

[gh0stblood-bat]

@ girls stop apologizing for your appearance. “sorry I’m not wearing make up today”, “sorry my hair is a mess” like who cares if you go out looking like a gremlin you don’t have to be pretty 24/7 and you don’t have to apologize for not putting effort into your appearance yall are still valid 

[psycheeli]

hell fuckin yeah

[psycheeli]

maybe we’re not really made for each other

[psycheeli]

How are you today? (5)

Ang bilis lumipas ng araw. But I must admit, nagiging better na ang pakiramdam ko. Marami akong napupulot na aral. Marami akong realization.

Kung hindi ka maintindihan ng iba wag mo na pilitin pa na ipaintindi sakanila. Wag ipilit ang sarili kung hindi talaga uubra yon. We have different perspective kaya wag din natin isisi sa iba o sa sarili natin yung mga bagay na di nila kayang intindihin and vice versa. Just dont expect from people. Live in the moment and enjoy things. Enjoy the little things God has given you. Kahit gano pa yun kaliit blessing pa rin yon.

I just wish na ma-overcome ko lang yung nakasanayan kong gawin na laging nag eexpect sa mga tao.

[psycheeli]

How are you today? (4)

I’m feeling extra happy today!! Nakasama ko yung mga spiritual friends ko. And medyo gumaan yung nararamdaman ko. Na-open ko yung about sa takot ko na baka di ako maintindihan ng ibang tao. I’m so grateful to have them. Kahit na alam ko may mga bagay pa rin ako na ginagawang mali na hindi ko na-oopen sakanila. We watched a movie entitled “Hereditary” super disturbing and I must admit sobrang natakot ako. Coz di ako mahilig talaga sa mga horror movies. Sana sa pagtulog ko di ko mapanaginipan yon.

I have a prayer in mind. 

Lord, thank you for this day na binigyan nyo po ako ng panibagong opportunity na mabuhay at masilayan yung mga magagandang bagay na nilikha mo. Thank you for all the things that I’ve learned today. Salamat sa mga natutuhan ko. Alam ko po na ako ay nagkasala at nakagawa ng mga mali. Patawarin nyo at kahabagan nyo po ako. Pinapatawad ko rin po ang mga taong nakagawa ng mali saakin. Sila nga po ay inyong gabayan sa araw araw. Lord, I pray na mas maging better pa yung feelings ko. Mas maging better ung mental health ko. I pray na ma-overcome ko po lahat ng mga fears ko. At tuluyan po ako na makaahon sa past ko. Lord guide me through my journey. Ikaw nga po ang kumilos sa buhay ko. Ang kagustuhan nyo nga lang po ang mangyari.At Lord, I continuously prray for my family. Lord I pray that they find comfort in you. I pray na hindi ka nila makalimutan sa kanilang mga buhay. Ikaw nga lang po ang magbigay sa kanila ng kaligtasan, lakas at proteksyon sa anumang mga gagawin at pupuntahan. Heal them Lord with Your mighty hands kung ano man po yung mga sakit na nararamdaman nila sa kanilang mga buhay. Lord anuman po yung mga kasalanan na kanilang nagawa, ito nga po’y Inyong patawarin at kahabagan sila.Thank you Lord. Let Your will be done. We praise You and worship You. Thank you for everything. AMEN.

I must overcome my fear. SOMEDAY I’LL BE OKAY. EVERYTHING’S GONNA BE BETTER :))

[psycheeli]

How are you today? (Day 3)

I’m kinda happy today. Di ko alam ulit pero ang gaan lang nung araw na to. I feel a bit better. Wala naman masyadong nangyari dahil natulog-kumain-nag cellphone-natulog-naligo-kumain-nag netflix lang naman ako hahaha. Sana magtuloy-tuloy yung pagiging okay ko. At matutuhan ko rin na hindi mag pretend sa harap ng ibang tao. Madalas kasi na nagpapakitang tao lang ako para hindi nila ako kaayawan. Pakitang tao in the way na pinapakisamahan ko lahat ng nakakasama ko, trying my best to help them in my own way. Kahit na minsan mahirap para sakin or natatakot ako, i’d still do it because i dont want to disappoint people. 

Nakaka-guilty ang hindi makapag reply sa chat ng ibang tao. Idk if it just me or what. “Ghosting” usong-uso ngayon yon. Yung tipong i-eentertain or magbibigay ka ng motibo sa taong may gusto sayo tapos isang araw bigla ka na lang mawawala parang bula. I hate the feeling na na-ghoghost ako pero ginagawa ko rin naman yon sa ibang tao. LOL. Hypocrite much. There’s this guy na nakausap ko for almost 2 weeks. Lagi sya nag rereact sa IG stories ko ng heart. Then one day, I message him on FB trying to advertise my doughnut business. Chinat ko sya kasi gusto kong kumita kasi baka umorder coz minessage ko din naman halos lahat ng FB friends ko. Then ayun nga, nag-reply sya saying “Pa-order din po nung seller” HAHAHA. Edi ako naman kinilig and na-shookt. Tas hanggang sa humaba yung convo namin nang hindi pa sya nakaka-order. Umaga hanggang gabi magkausap kami. Nung mga 2-3days na magkausap kami okay pa ko, gusto ko sya kausap. But nung mag 1 week na, nawawalan na ko gana. Hindi na ko kinikilig sa kanya. Hindi ko naman masabi kasi based sa chika ng friend ko na friend nya, sensitive daw yon and isip bata. So hinayaan ko na lang muna. Pero habang tumatagal napapagod na ko makipag usap. This has always happens to me everytime i talk to a guy hehe. Ang dali ko mag sawa. Kaya ayon, ang ending I ghosted him. Sinabi ko lang sa kanya na wala ako sa mood makipag usap ngayon. Then mag 2 days ko na sya di kinakausap at di nag rereply sa mga chats nya.

Ang hirap sa feeling na mang ghost. Sobrang nakaka-guilty. But di ko talaga alam gagawin ko kasi I dont want to hurt him naman talaga kaso wala eh. Mas okay na sakin na masaktan ko sya and magalit na lang sya sakin. 

[psycheeli]

How are you today? (Day 2)

Same thoughts as yesterday, still not sure how i am. Isang araw na naman ang lumipas pero wala ako nagawa. Woke up at 9am para mag breakfast then went straight to my room para matulog lang hanggang 2pm. I did take a bath naman. Tapos eto ako ngayon, nanonood ng kdrama entitled “Record of Youth”. Sobrang relate ako sa kdrame na yon at some point of my life. Kasi katulad ni Hye-jun (lead character) i also have family na di masyadong supportive sakin. Like they always see the wrong in me instead na mag focus sa mga good na nagawa ko. They will always compare me to other people. And di rin nila ako masyadong nabibigyan ng pansin or nakakamusta ang buhay ko. I get that “may kanya kanya kaming buhay” but dude, we’re a family. FAMILY should always be there to support you di man materially but morally okay na yon. But yeah, I think kagaya ni Hye-jun, I will just do what makes me happy. Susundin ko yung kagustuhan ng puso ko. I guess wala naman masama don kung gagawin mo naman ng tama yon and may sipag. 

I just wish na maging stable na ulit ako mentally and emotionally. Because i tend to be so sensitive at most times. Di ko kaya na i-take yung mga criticism ng ibang tao especially pag galing pa sa pamilya ko. I’m a softie :< Sana ma-overcome ko yun soon. Aja!

[psycheeli]

What are your thoughts

Nov. 5, 2020

Lahat na lang ng naiisip ko hindi ko maipaliwanag ng maayos. I can’t wait for the time to come na i can easily vent out or say the thoughts that’s messing up with my head. Minsan napapaisip ako, bobo ba talaga ako dati pa o naging bobo lang ako dahil nawalan na ako ng pake sa lahat. Like nahinto or nawala yung excitement and eagerness ko to learn new things. Gusto ko mabalik yon. 

[psycheeli]

How are you today? (Day 1)

Hindi ko alam kung okay ako or what. I cant seem to find the right words to describe what i’m feeling today. Maybe i’m fine coz hindi ako gaanong nag overthink. Pwede rin na hindi, dahil maghapon lang ako nakahiga sa kama ko and nanonood ng kung ano ano. Iniiwasan ang realidad. Umiiwas sa anomang conversation galing sa social media accounts ko :) I honestly dont know. Medyo okay na medyo hindi siguro :))

[psycheeli]

u know the feeling na gusto mong may sabihin ka pero ur mind doesn’t cooperate. like naghahalo halo lahat ng mga words sa utak mo and u’re not sure kung ano uunahin mong sabihin or i-type. and as the days passed by, sobrang punong puno ka na kasi naipon lahat ng mga sasabihin mo. and then one day, tuluyan ka nang walang nasabi sa mga tao. u chose to keep those things in urself kasi u’re afraid na baka u might offend someone or di ka na nila maintindihan.

and as u keep things in urself, para ka nang nababaliw and di maintindihan ang mga nangyayari sa paligid. alam mo lang ang gulo gulo, ang labo, maingay, tahimik, halo halo na.

yea idk if u’ll get it. pero super hirap kasi di ko na kaya maglabas ng sama ng loob kasi litong lito at gulong gulo na ang utak ko.

[iloveicecrexm]

Being suicidal doesn't necessarily mean you're holding a gun to your head.

Sometimes it means smoking a cigarette in the hopes that you'll get cancer and die.Or jaywalking across a street without looking, because you don't care if you get hit by a car.Or not sleeping or not eating in the hopes that the exhaustion will kill you. Or even not washing your hands in the hopes that you'll get sick and die. Sometimes it means being cruel to people you love or ignoring them, because if they leave, you'll have less reason to go on living. Or not setting your alarm for work, so you'll get fired and have less of a purpose.Sometimes, it means partying hard in the hopes that your liver will fail and you'll die.Or putting yourself in dangerous and potentially painful situations, so maybe it'll be the last straw. Being suicidal doesn't necessarily mean trying to die. A lot times, it means not putting any effort into living.

[borderlineflower-deactivated202]

everyone keeps telling me that i have to stay alive for them, that killing myself would be selfish because they need me and my departure would cause them great pain.

what about MY pain? what about ME? i’m dying inside, falling apart every single night and shoving back my broken pieces inside my chest every morning, bleeding internally. what about MY pain? why can’t i rest easy? isn’t it selfish for you to ask me to stay knowing how badly i’m hurting?

[depression-and-literature-deact]

All of the above.

[psycheeli]

my go-to song. will never get old 

[psycheeli]

one thing is for sure, i am drowning and nothing can ever help me even myself