gay and tired

|Documenting life and shit as a gay Finnish dude| |he/him| |🇫🇮🏳️‍🌈|

[pululintu]

Fuck I am miserable. Surgeries and testosterone into my bloodstream could fix me, but as that is apparently too much to ask cuddling with a cute ass boy would be great.

[pululintu]

I have really complex thoughts about me and the mandatory army service in my country. Like it is a law that all men must do at least half a year of armed service, year of civil service, year in jail or be medically exempt. I will change my legal sex thus I am also required to serve.

I feel patriotic enough that I feel like it is in some way my duty to serve my country but also I know that the army full of mostly 18 to 20yo men will be the ninth layer of hell for a trans man who isnt 100% transitioned, especially as there are communal showers, and saunas. I know that there is 95% change I will face horrific transphobia and bullying.

I will most likely either get medically exempt or do a year of civic, but it in some way makes me feel like a less of a man. I already suffer with feelings of inferiority and insecurity about my manliness and I feel like that would make it worse, as the army is a big cultural thing among men here.

I'm 90% sure I won't go or at least delay my service, but it kinda sucks because if I was a normal man I would totally go. I just feel so fucking alienated from the average man.

If the world was a perfect place and I wouldn't face transphobic bullying I would serve, but the way the world is, war ain't gonna miss one man.

Btw any thoughts are appreciated as I am conflicted.

[pululintu]

The reading comprehension here kinda sucks and also I was tired when making this so here are some clarifying details.

I am Finnish and the army here is more like a year long kinda miserable summer camp where you shoot a bit and are in the forest a lot.

We haven't been in war since the natzis. Literally all our veterans are over 90 at this point.

The service doesn't mean you are an active soldier. For example my father did his year service and is on reserve. He hasn't done shit for the army in 30 years.

We aren't the us, here the army doesn't fight wars for oil or do war crimes. Yes there are issues like sexism, but the army has been getting way better.

I am proud to be Finnish. I ain't the most patriotic guy and am first in line to shit on the government, but am proud of my country in a way that I appreciate what it stands for.

The reason I feel conflicted is mostly that the majority of young men my age will do the service and I feel abnormal and insecure, but I am working on it.

I am trans and would not be able to serve in the USA anyway, nor would I want to.

Civil service is like a job where you get paid kinda shittily and work in mutually beneficial places, like libraries, schools etc, usually for the government.

The service or civil thing is mandatory for all men and must be done before 30(or jail)

[pululintu]

I have really complex thoughts about me and the mandatory army service in my country. Like it is a law that all men must do at least half a year of armed service, year of civil service, year in jail or be medically exempt. I will change my legal sex thus I am also required to serve.

I feel patriotic enough that I feel like it is in some way my duty to serve my country but also I know that the army full of mostly 18 to 20yo men will be the ninth layer of hell for a trans man who isnt 100% transitioned, especially as there are communal showers, and saunas. I know that there is 95% change I will face horrific transphobia and bullying.

I will most likely either get medically exempt or do a year of civic, but it in some way makes me feel like a less of a man. I already suffer with feelings of inferiority and insecurity about my manliness and I feel like that would make it worse, as the army is a big cultural thing among men here.

I'm 90% sure I won't go or at least delay my service, but it kinda sucks because if I was a normal man I would totally go. I just feel so fucking alienated from the average man.

If the world was a perfect place and I wouldn't face transphobic bullying I would serve, but the way the world is, war ain't gonna miss one man.

Btw any thoughts are appreciated as I am conflicted.

[robbies-sailboat]

guess who just tried to soften my coming out to his father with this donnie darko meme

[pululintu]

Why the fuck does my phone automatically recommend two men kissing as an emoji every time I write like romance or relationship. Like I am gay but y'all don't have to rub it in my face like that.

I the the same as when I write army it recommends 💜🅐🅡🅜🅨⁷⟬⟭💜????? What does this mean??

[pululintu]

I really want a beard as a pre t trans dude. My dad says he would gladly donate, as most men don't like having a beard. I think he's in the minority. He might be biased tho as he has a skin condition so a beard is itchy.

But generally to all beard havers:

Do you enjoy having a beard?

yes

no

don't have one but would enjoy

results/no beard

Voting ended onJul 18

If you don't have a beard feel free to get the opinion of beard havers in your life.

[pululintu]

Fuck being depressed during summer break. This is supposed to be my time of grace to regain my joy for life. The fuck you mean my depression is relapsing again??

[pululintu]

This was the convo I had with my mom about going to movies:

Mom: Do you want to go watch the Odyssey with me?

Me: Ehhh maybe

Mom: there are hot men in armor in the movie

Me: 😳

My mom does indeed know what is up. I would have gone anyway cause Greek mythology is cool but thank you mom for supporting my single gay ass.

[pululintu]

Tbh I cannot say there has been a single positive thing I have experienced from me being trans, that would not be way better if was a cis man. I love being gay and I feel like that's a core part of who I am, but you could remove me being trans completely, and you would not erase anything that wasn't miserable as fuck. Like pain hasn't made me a better person, this did not build me character. Only thing transness gave me was, scars, fear, anger, and discrimination. Like it made me less trusting more callous, angry and afraid. I grew up a young boy, I grew up as a son. I always have been a man, but it is apparently an issue that I need to grow up into a one. (Fuck the doctors)

I guess these are the cards I've been dealt and I need to man the fuck up and accept them. Just feel sometimes that it is too much for me to handle; too many people standing against me on the road of me being a man, the way I need to be.

[pululintu]

I am currently acting like a frat dude, as I am laying shirtless, in basketball shorts and my parents sold my bed frame.

This is actually chill af so future roommates beware. Wish I had top surgery tho

[pululintu]

Was dysphoric and depressed the whole day, slept like 70%. But at least got to have some father son time and watch the England Norway game, even though the result was fucking bullshit. So I guess a lil silver lining to my worsening depression and dysphoria.

[pululintu]

I sure do love being so dysphoric that I just showered for the first time in two weeks apart from washing my hair in the sink once. I was trying to put it away even longer, but my hair and body were itching so fucking bad that I could not sleep. It is fucking two am now and I hate everything.

[pululintu]

Mul on typerä fantasia että jos mä kärsin tarpeeksi nii lääkärit auttais mua. Lapsesta asti kerrottu et lääkärit auttaa ihmisiä ja niin ne kai tekeekin. Mut ei ne mun kaltaisia kai sitten auta. Mä en ees oo mikään toivoton tapaus et legit yksi resepti ja muutama leikkaus vois mut pelastaa, mut ei ne kai vaa välitä.

Vituttaa vaa et se et oon trans rikko kaiken luottamuksen koko terveydenhuoltoon vaik kaikki muut asiat on mulla hoidettu helvetin hyvin. Ny vaa koko systeemi tuntuu et on mua vastaa.

Vaa aika helvetin väärin antaa kenenkään syyttä kärsiä, varsinki ku mä en ees oo viel aikunen.

[pululintu]

Thinking about the time in school when my Swedish teacher somehow detected queer vibes from me and used gender neutral pronouns with me?????

Generally it would not be that weird but this was the only time in this whole goddamn school year where someone misgendered me. Like I am stealth, I look like a cis dude, how??? Even when meeting homophobic straight popular dudes, they would automatically use he???? Like of all people. I was stealth the whole year. What the hell did her instincts detect???? I am baffled.

[pululintu]

We have this board game called bandu. In it ya stack pieces and try to be the last one standing. But is has the most in ass shovable pieces ever

Like the pieces are a bit bigger irl and only one of them has a flared base. My single gay ass always thinks that damn those pieces look like fucking butt toys. It is a family game so hell nah, but the thought is there.

[pululintu]

Just like every world Cup I've been watching a few games here and there. The game is cool but I think if they added a glass dome and removed the side line things we would get sick ass trick shots.

.....

Wait fuck that's just rocket league. I just realized as I was writing this.

[pululintu]

Was watching handmaids tale with my mom today and we were talking about the modern circumstances relating to the story.

My mom stated that she'd be killed so fast, as she is old, a heretic and masculine. I said me too. She stated: yeah Christian dictatorship isn't too fond of gay men.

It is nice to get proof, with small things like these that my family does indeed see me as a man, even if I sometimes fear that they don't. :)