there are a lot of things in my life that i am deeply unhappy about (current/recent things, not overall things) but i cant really complain about them, like as in, i dont want to, i dont feel like it helps, there are times i will performatively complain because its the socially appropriate thing to do, but it doesnt really mean anything to me, its nobodys business, i cant even make myself try most of the time. it doesnt mean im not bothered or upset. i just dont tell anyone about it.
and i think like.. maybe its just this specific part of me, right? like surely ive complained a lot about things in the past and been upset about things a lot more openly and told people about it very much. i think it was a whole thing where i came across as very volatile because i was so forward about it. but i struggle to imagine it, like i dont really remember ever having been that way.
there are reasons that i carry myself like that, like i cant be hurt and like im impervious to cruelty, but its probably not convenient to be like that all the time. like it fundamentally cant coexist with being vulnerable or opening up or sharing mutual pain, and if this part is here all the time, it means other parts cant be there at the same time. and those other parts dont strictly only govern emotional regulation - but also my ability to draw and write, carry out physical tasks, how i hold myself in conversation, social maintenance, sense of time passage, planning, memory, appetite, interests - it doesnt only affect whether or not i can complain.
baratheonpilled
ellievsbear
discoholicmusic
kianamaiart
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jbbartram-illu
turnnoffyourmind
