How do you get the dbt and whatever anger processing skills to actually, well, process the anger?
I can tell WHY I'm angry. What I'm mad at. I can think rationally and know that bad impulses are bad, I can sit there and Feel My Feelings, but none of it actually, like, helps.
I'll use clearing out your inbox as an example. I know that was an important thing for you to do to take care of your own mental health. I know it would be cruel and unproductive to send you a hate ask about it, even if my ape brain really wants to. I know it would also be bad to throw my phone across the room and break it. I can sit there and validate my anger and dissect all the little causes and factors and I can Feel it until the cows come home but it's not Going Anywhere
When I lash out or do something destructive, it actually processes the feeling and I can move on. The only other way to actually Move On is to just ignore it, but then it piles up until I lash out and release it later, destructively.
What do I do?? How is being normal and treating the world around you with basic respect natural to other people but so fucking difficult for me? You talk like it's so easy, like you can Understand your way out of actually dealing with your feelings. Does that actually work for people?
This such a real, relatable, frustrating experience. Youâre doing all the things youâre âsupposedâ to do like noticing the feeling, identifying it, validating it, not lashing out. And yet? The anger is still there. Still hot. Still tight in your chest. Still not moving.
Thatâs not failure. Thatâs just proof that understanding isnât the same as processing.
Anger needs somewhere to go. Itâs not just a cognitive puzzle we solve by being self-aware. And for people whoâve spent their whole lives suppressing, exploding, or invalidating their anger, it makes sense that the only thing that brings relief is a destructive release. Thatâs how your body learned to let go which is by force.
But that doesnât mean itâs the only way. It just means your nervous system hasnât had a chance to practice safe ways to discharge that energy yet.
You can't really think your way out of a bodily emotion. It lives there. Processing doesn't always mean sitting quietly and feeling your feelings.
For me? I used to smash things. Still get the urge. These days, Iâll break ice in the bathtub or outside in winter. Itâs loud, messy, satisfying with no real harm. But damn, does it really scratch that itch sometimes.
Sometimes I scream. Just⌠scream. If I need to muffle it, Iâll go into a pillow. Other times, I punch the hell out of my punching bag. And when I finally collapse after all that? I usually start crying. Thatâs when I know the anger moved through.
Sometimes venting is what processing looks like. And it doesnât have to be harmful.
And honestly? Treating people with respect while youâre furious rarely feels good in the moment. It feels like swallowing broken glass. Iâve had my husband send messages for me because I couldnât bring myself to be kind but I knew I needed to be. Itâs not second nature. Itâs work. Really hard work.
Youâre not broken. Youâre just stuck in the in-between: the part where youâre too self-aware to let it explode outward, but havenât found a way to release it safely inward. Thatâs a brutal place to be. And I promise it doesnât last forever.
You're doing a hard thing by noticing this and still choosing not to hurt others. That matters. And youâre not alone in this frustration.
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