A bad Dog

block, don't report, please

[deadbeatfox]

Little intro blog..

Hello all, I'm Fox, or you can call me Omen. Early 20s. I don’t feel like a human.

This is a vent/trauma blog and thus will feature triggering topics. I will do my best to tag them as such but please note that sometimes I may miss things. I block freely to curate my online experience, do block me if you find my content or posts triggering. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

I'm currently (as of 14/03/25) not in therapy sadly. As much as I would fucking love to get help I am unable to. Hopefully in a few months,, one day this block of text will change to say I am in therapy.

I am finally in therapy!!

The whole purpose of this blog is for me to vent and get my feelings out in a somewhat healthy way.

My DMs and Ask box is open to chat or for vents, I don't mind. Do note, however, that I may not be good at providing much comfort or advice, I am here to lend a shoulder to cry on or to listen.

This is a side blog and a separate account.

[deadbeatfox]

When will I learn my lesson to never speak? It would fix everything.

[deadbeatfox]

People piss me off. I have rage. And yet I will forgive.

Landlord said my room was “too dirty and dusty”.. 5 days after I’ve moved out. Despite room collecting dust basically an hour after having cleaned it.

Came back to clean it. Landlord says that it was a total mess and unacceptable condition. They proceed to check under the bed and on the shelf. You would think they would have checked it before I came.

Why are you checking for dust NOW? After I’ve cleaned it? Then find nothing so you go in every nook and cranny to find dust to complain about.

Used to live in a shared flat. Apparently it was our responsibility to keep the flat clean and we shouldn’t make the person who’s renewing their contract to dust the common area? Every single complaint made was unreasonable in my opinion.

Asshole kept nitpicking at every single thing. Too much dust, it’s a fire hazard. Not cleaned well enough. Not good enough.

Fuck you.

How was my room super dirty and messy?? There was the world’s thinnest layer of dust in my room which is natural after 5 days of it not being cleaned. But that wasn’t good enough.

I’ll never fucking be good enough.

[deadbeatfox]

Did they tremble? Did you see them afraid of you?

Unfortunately. I wish I never did anything to cause that reaction.

[deadbeatfox]

I think I’m ready to give up now. I’ve made it far enough, I’ve done enough harm.

Shouldn’t I stop now while I’m ahead?

Before I ruin more things?

Before everyone leaves me..?

Wouldn’t that fix everything then? No more me means no more me to ruin stuff, to be a shitty person. To hurt everyone around me.. there would be no more of that.

[deadbeatfox]

Whimpering like a scared dog that’s lost all hope. Naively believing someone might come comfort me.

That I won’t be curled up alone. That maybe one day someone will come to me instead of ignoring my cries.

[deadbeatfox]

If I die, would the earth accept me? Would I rot and decompose?

[deadbeatfox]

.

I keep hitting my head hard as a form of sh I don’t know how damaging it is since I don’t think I do it that hard but I don’t know.

Last time I did it my ears immediately started ringing.

I don’t want to stop though. It doesn’t leave any visible marks. I don’t need to feel more guilt over my actions. I don’t need to feel like I’m being guilt tripped.

I’m so sick and tired of this sometimes. Feels like I’m being guilt tripped any time I express a negative emotion, I feel like it’s always being used against me anytime I’m upset. I can’t fucking do it sometimes.

I always need to pull myself together for my partner.

[deadbeatfox]

Am I just my mistakes? Is that all that will ever define me? Will every failure I make be etched into my skin and brain? A stain that forever taints me?

[deadbeatfox]

I am a monster with long claws, awkwardly holding onto the facade that I am a human.

My fangs fit awkwardly in my mouth, making it hard to speak.

This body does not feel right to me.

I’m parading around as if I am alive, as if I am human.

One day I think people will start to see through it.

[deadbeatfox]

Ripping myself to pieces god im fucking ruining myself for you. Why is it not enough. Why is it never fucking enough.

Why can’t I ever vent and express my feelings without being guilt tripped. I can’t fucking ever say anything to you. The moment I get upset your tone gets all whiny. The moment I express hurt it becomes all about you.

I’m tried and hurt I’m so fucking tired and hurt.

Please.

I’m drowning my own feelings for you..

Why is it not good enough…

[deadbeatfox]

Sometimes I think laying down and letting myself rot would fix me.

Disappearing slowly. Letting myself feel everything.

[deadbeatfox]

I really need a hug right now

[deadbeatfox]

Will it ever get better?

[deadbeatfox]

Perhaps being alive is the punishment.

Living as a monster ruining everything I touch, surely it is a punishment. One worse than death.

I must see and live as I rot everything my claws touch.

Unable to be gentle.

Unable to be kind.

[deadbeatfox]

Slowly mastering the skill to swallow down all my tears.

Because I am nothing but a burden.

I don't need to cry.

I'm just attention seeking if I do.

[speakingspirals]

i need to crash out. i need to explode. i can't fucking do this.