We Are Far Too Young And Clever

I've done a lot of stuff. Good and bad. But the past is the past.

[blackbrasil-deactivated20181217]

All you can do is learn your lesson. There’s no point in wishing you had did differently. The past is the past.

[blkbruja]

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Amber, with your daily affirmations

[heppyfunny4]

Lavender oil       Peppermint oil

Tea tree oil         Lemon oil

Grapefruit oil       Eucalyptus oil

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[puttingthepast-pastme]

Update

Every now and then I find myself on this tumblr account. Honestly I don’t use tumblr much at all anymore not even my main. But I do venture on from time to time. When I come on this tumblr though I can’t help but read back on old posts. See what has changed and how much I’ve changed. Here are some updates:

I’m 23 now. I’ll be 24 in May. 

I’m still riddled with anxiety and depression but I am managing. 

I still have body issues but I’m trying to see myself more clearly. 

I am scared for the future but also excited for some of the plans and goals I’m trying to reach.

I have learned to find peace in nature and hiking. 

I have finally started to draw again. (Thanks Inktober!)

I have learned to enjoy my time to myself as much as time with my dear friends. 

Music is a must.

I’ve had to be a rock for other people. I know i need to stay strong for my loved ones and stand by them,

I know I’m not perfect but I’m trying. I know nothing is certian but I’m trying to be okay with that. Sometimes no plan is the best plan but sometimes putting together a plan is how you get that dream. 

I just wanted to update. I’m sure no one really looks at this tumblr anymore. But even if one person feels a little better by seeing this or the fact I feel better just updating and getting my words out makes this post worth it. If anyone needs to talk I’m here, though I might not see something right away because again I don’t use tumblr much anymore. 

-CES

[puttingthepast-pastme]

I just love freaking myself out. This time the subject is ectopic pregnancy. 

I hate WebMD.

[puttingthepast-pastme]

Here I am talking about things I never thought I would talk to him about. 

[puttingthepast-pastme]

S.

Here I am practically in a panic attack because of him. Because of a bitter sweet apology that I never thought I would get but never thought I needed either. Of course I thought of it, the idea of if I ever talked to him again or saw him again what would it be like. How much I have changed over these past two years let alone just this past year. But I also never thought to how much he might have changed. It’s so funny how wrapped up in ourselves, our past, our pain, our present, and our future we can be.  And I’m glad to see it was a good change. And I’m glad to hear he is okay because that’s all I ever wanted for him. But I don’t know how to feel or react. I mean sure I contacted him in October of 2014 but nothing came of it. Sure I looked at his facebook and talked about him to my friends. But I just got the nerve to delete our old facebook conversations, long after he had unfriended me, and I have yet to get the strength to delete his number from my phone. I just thought I can forgive and push him to the back of my mind and leave him in my past. And for the most part I did. I thought I was free. But here I am my heart hammering in my chest, my guts twisting with anxiety and nerves, and the need to run from my house an never look back. -CES

[puttingthepast-pastme]

My body issues. (potential trigger warning)

 I have been having a lot of issues with my body recently. I have always had some issues throughout my life even when I didn’t I personally because people made it their business to comment. I have always been skinny and from a young age people decided it was their job to point this out to me. By 6th grade I had a friend ask literally behind my back to another classmate if I was anorexic. When I turned around she looked at me and said “what it’s just a question.” That hurt like hell and this then continued from that day on. Now thru all of this from that day in 6th grade through high school I never dreamed that I would deal with an eating disorder of any kind. 

“I love food way to much to be anorexic and hate throwing up too much to be bulimic.”

Words I had repeated on many occasions. And I was happy with my weight other then the attention it gave me. Sure I wished at one point I was taller and had bigger boobs but then I got those things and was happy. Even though for years I never wore bikini's because of my shyness and outtie belly button I finally found the joys of tankinis and then found comfort in bikinis. Yet people commented not understanding why I wouldn’t be comfortable wearing them in the first place since I was skinny and had nothing to worry about. But I did. 

Because I did always worry about weight gain on some level. because when people tell you all your life that you “better enjoy being skinny now because one day you might not be” you then begin to fear gaining the weight. When people make the first feature they notice on you your weight that becomes who you are and you can’t imagine how life would be if you weren’t that anymore. 

I remember the day I hit 100lbs. I was at my yearly checkup and as the nurse and my mom cheered that I finally hit 100lbs I could only pretend to be excited. Because even though this was a step close to actually being a “correct” “Healthy” weight for my age and height in the doctors, societies, and that damn BMI charts eyes I saw that I was losing a sense of me that people created and forced upon me. My little psyche was already so fucked up. 

So here I am 22 hating a body that people would kill for. Looking at my already skinny arms and just wishing they could be a little thinner. Looking at my stomach and wishing it would be flatter. Wishing my hip bones would just pop out a little more then they use to. Trying my damn best to enjoy the outfits that I use to love so much. Wanting to lose the weight without losing my boobs. Not being motivated to work out due to my lack of coordination and athletic ability. Being torn between loving food and having no control on eating it and skipping whole meals.  

Hating that only some of my friends understand what I’m feeling, while others, even though last summer I said to them:

“I feel like I’m one step away from an eating disorder”

choose to make tweets about how skinny girls should go fuck themselves. As if I’m happy with how I look and have no problems because of my weight. I stare at the scale that sits in my bathroom and force myself to not get on it knowing I probably won’t like what I see. I only weigh myself naked, I even take my glasses off, so no unwanted weight is on the scale. 

I’m not saying that I have it so hard because I’m skinny. No, I know society looks to me with a smile on it’s face because I’m skinny and therefor in it’s eyes “beautiful.” What I’m saying is I have it hard because I have depression, anxiety, and some serious body image issues. And maybe just maybe if society didn’t focus so much on SKINNY = BEAUTY and showed some goddamn diversity I wouldn’t have so much anxiety over my own weight. What I’m also saying is no matter what people should not be shammed for how they look and how society views the human body. I can’t help the way I look and how society reacts to that. All I can do it promote self love and body positivity no matter what size, shape, or figure you are. I would never dream of shamming someone for how they look. I know I have my own body issues but I wouldn’t project them on other people in hopes it helps me feel better. Because I know it won’t. When I see people loving how they look it makes me smile and hope I can go back to that one day. 

So that’s my rant. This has been on my mind recently and I needed to get it out. Stay healthy and safe and know even if you aren’t feeling beautiful that you are. Even if I’m struggling to see that at times I still want to put that out into the world and help others see it in themselves. -CES

[charliemouse745]

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Harry McClintock - Big Rock Candy Mountain

[puttingthepast-pastme]

I feel like I might need to start going to therapy or something. I’ve just been a mess. I have been battling depression for years but recently (especially tonight) it has been feeling like way too much. I’m terrified of dying yet there are days I just wanna give up and stop living. It’s just been rough. -CES

[sublimetunes]

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Yiruma

[puttingthepast-pastme]

If ya'll have read some of my previous posts you'll know that I've been having a rough time. The end of 2015 consisted of 3 deaths and I hoped 2016 would be the start to a new and better year. But yesterday I found out a dear friend and old coworker of mine past away. We had gone though summer camp together and then when we both started working at the camp we spent three years working together. She was only 5 months younger then me and had her whole life a head of her. I hadn't been on facebook recently and I only found out about her death yesterday when my two friends included me in a group text. At first I didn't even think the texts were meant for me because I only had one of my friends numbers in the chat. but when I questioned if she meant to send me these text (I still had no clue what this was about) she was like "Yes CES your suppose to be in on this its about J's funeral tomorrow." I literally was so shocked. I thought I was done with this whole death thing for a while. I hadn't seen J in a few years after she had stopped working at the camp we worked at but I had literally just 2 weeks ago talked to my mom about her. Now she is gone. It just feels so surreal. Now I'm freaking paranoid since you always hear that death comes in 3's and that was true with the last time I dealt with death back in the summer/fall. This really makes me evaluate and realize my own mortality. -CES

[reccord]

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“Clair de Lune” - Claude Debussy

[puttingthepast-pastme]

my heart always goes out for the girl I once was. for all the heart break I had blocked from my mind. I forgot what that old pain felt like.

[puttingthepast-pastme]

It's been a while. I haven't really thought to use this blog much. A shit ton has happened. I mean as many of you may have saw my last post was about my cousin dying. I also has two other funerals to attend to since. My friend/coworkers husband died in October and my friend from high school died in November. The past few months have been really rough for me. I've had some amazing people in my life helping me get thru stuff along with keeping myself busy between 3 jobs. But it's not the same. I miss my cousin and I miss my friend. It really sucks because I felt like with both of them right before their deaths I hadn't spent enough time with either of them. Like I just didn't get enough time and if I would have known I would have tried everything in my power to have made those last times I saw them stretch on forever. -CES

[carlieandthechocolatefactory]

So on the 8th of August my big cousin Jeff died. My family has been getting along but really it’s not the same. Jeff and his two siblings and I have always been super close and me being an only child they were the closest thing to siblings I have. He was a kind soul, always ready to give a big hug or encouraging words. One of the last times I got to hang out with him was on my 21st birthday where he was there for my first legal drink and we sang country songs together. People knew him as the Chalfont Cowboy.

Now I know not all of my followers know me personally but we have a Booster page for him and my family. If we don’t get the minimum t-shirt amount sold they won’t give us the shirts only the extra money we raised. And although the funds are very important we all would love to get our t-shirts. I know some of you probably don’t know him but honestly i’m just trying to boost this booster. We only have 3 days left.

https://www.booster.com/livelikejeff

I will never forget you Jeff. Love you Cowboy and until next time. <3

[puttingthepast-pastme]

What I Type Up in a Text: Hey. I'm not sure you want to talk to me, I mean you made it pretty clear you wanted to cut ties back in the summer. And I should probably just respect that and move on with my life and stop being so damn pathetic. But here's the thing, I miss talking to you. I miss just having a conversation with you. I mean It's hard to just let go of someone you cared about and who actually cared about you whether that caring was romantic or not. It bothers me that I lost you when I really never got the chance to have you but what bothers me more is I also lost you as a friend in an all or nothing decision made by you. I guess in ways it is better that way in an angsty clean break bull shit way that only Stephanie Meyers could write. But it still didn't work, not fully because I do still miss you. I don't want to step on anyone's toes, it's the last thing I would want to do but I needed to put this out there.

What I do with the Text: Save to Drafts