I used to be really shy whenever I was with her. I used to be scared of making mistakes in front of her. I used to look at her face every minute. A long the way I started loving her more and more, but my actions were different. I never knew the more you love someone the more angry you are to that person. That is until I saw all these problems started showing up. Could it be any harder just to be with her?
We both have done things that we shouldn't have done. I was scared of her reactions every after I did something. There were some points of time where I didn't know what to do and scared of doing anything because I didn't want to make her upset. I felt like I was in a cage. Later on I found out that she was acting like she was because she was getting so much pressure from her family and career in Australia. Then things started changing.
I started doing things without caring about what would happen to the relationship. I was really angry at her and at myself. I was under so much stress, which is the first because I had never felt that way before. I was so confused and stressed from whatever I had in Sydney. Before I was with her, I never had to do anything or give anything to my ex-girlfriends. This made me think that it was OK for me to not give her as much attention and I was not even used to do anything anyway, so for me everything I did was normal. In real life it wasn't. Everyone needs attention, and she didn't get it from me. How stupid am I, knowing that she needed attention and I couldn't give it to her.
The fights did not stop at all. A couple of months later I decided that I really needed a time-out. I couldn't stand the pressure any more and I told her about the situation. Unfortunately after I was given time I was still an angry person towards her and ONLY her. I had no idea love can make me that angry, I'm not sure if she realised about this. I've always wanted to make her happy and be together all the time. I remember telling her how I wanted to go everywhere together and do everything together just like Kekko and Gloria. I don't remember her answer but at the time I was really sad that we couldn't have that. Even now I can't feel her in my arms.
I got angry to little things that I wasn't supposed to get angry to. But I was really happy and looking forward to see her in Bali. I was waiting for my only love to come and be here with me. I got everything ready for her from the bathroom supplies to transportation. I was so excited that somehow I slipped and told my business partners, friends and my parents that she was going to live here with me and get married next year. But all that changed in less that a day. In the last week of August we were really broken, some of the reasons were someone told her that I slept with another girl while I was in Sydney and I didn't do anything for her birthday. She was so furious she deleted me on facebook and left me a long and heartbreaking message. I never wanted to disappoint her, but somehow I always manage to make her upset. I was so upset about what they told her because it's not true and it has changed her. Now she wouldn't want to talk to me on Skype any more, she wouldn't send messages unless I send her messages first or I ask her a question. This is really breaking my heart, so much that I was angry in 1 minute then happy the next minute. It's like I have a Bipolar now ha ha. I am just going crazy as it is right now.
I really love her, with everything I have. There's only 1 thing that I can't give up and that is my Dream. I don't think she realises that she's the only 1 who I want to be with and I would do anything for her, I would go there right now if I could. To her I only care about my business, but it's not about my business it's my Dream. It's what I have been dreaming to do since a long time ago. I really can't give it up. It's just like if she has a big Dream that she wants to do like being a Designer for Zara over there then I wouldn't want to be in the way and push her to come to Bali. I hope one day she understands what I meant by my Dream and NOT just my business.
Everyday I could only dream of her and imagine her next to me, hugging her and never let her go. Remembering how we used to kiss every time we were on the escalator, how we used to listen to our song Lifehouse-Falling In, how we used to watch TV shows together and how we used to be together at home all the time even when we had fights everyday. I don't ever want to lose her, I don't ever want to disappoint her. I just need her to be with me here now just because I can't go to Spain right now. I wish I could go there now and hug her, I just want to fix all these problems we're having. Now she's telling me that she's not sure of living with me any more. When I heard that I was really broken, and I still am. Everything that was real and was going to happen is now just a bunch of wishes. I don't know what is going to happen to us, all I can think of is she's with another man in Spain. That is my feeling telling me, but I will never know the truth. I've been praying every night for God to help me choose the right path. I don't know how long I can hold this feeling. I can't reach her. I'm going to try until I'm out of love. Every single minute I'm hoping to be together with her soon.
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