ʙᴀᴅ ᴍᴏᴏɴ ʀɪꜱɪɴɢ

[qlestranges]

ofkenzie‌:

@qlestranges​​

“ i don’t like things making sense. ”

‘ i know you don’t. it’s infuriating. ’

[qlestranges]

ofkenzie‌

An innocent grin spreads across her face as she finally got the man of the hour’s attention. “ But it worked! ” That was the only goal she had anyway, get him to look up and actually talk to her – what in the world did she wanted anyways? Ah shit. Yeah. The quiz. She’s definitely screwed. Kenzie looked down at the notebook that was fill with …. poor attempts at notes. She flipped it around so he could get a closer look. “ Geometry. I have no idea what I’m doing. I get shapes but this is basically the opposite of naming shapes. ” 

a deep, prolonged sigh escapes from the deepest part of his chest. ‘ okay, ’  he says as a way to center himself.  ‘ wouldn’t the opposite of naming shapes just be identifying the characteristics of shapes ? ’  quinn eyes the chicken scratch that’s been jotted down among various doodles and random scribbling.  ‘ do you even know what you’re learning in class ? ’

[qlestranges]

ofkenzie‌:

“ Too late. Now you don’t get to suffer the consequences of not knowing the best blackmail material to ever exist on this planet. ” She grabbed the nearest pencil and threw it at him, probably not a smart idea but then again, she doesn’t have those. “ Can you quiz me on my geography shit? I don’t get this class. I don’t care about this class. Yet if I don’t pass the class, I’ll have to retake it and then I might as well just burn down the classroom. ”

In a knee-jerk reaction that was less than grateful, Quinn brought his arms up to his face to shield from the flying projectile.  ‘ Hey, ’  he barked, lowering his arms to glare at her,  ‘ that’s not how you ask for a tutor. ’  Still, he looked over at the notebook in her lap.  ‘ What’s your quiz on? ’

[qlestranges]

ofkenzie‌:

@qlestranges

“ hey quinn. quinn. hey quinn. q, quinn. quentin. quinny. queen. quinn. hey quinn. lestrange. strangeling. q strangeboy. q. oh my god, i could just say whatever right now and you won’t even hear me, like the fact that this one time, i replaced my dad’s shampoo with some weird purple hair dye because i saw a movie where this kid did that and i wanted to be cool. i’m pretty sure i blamed it on lance. or how about when i was five, i thought bubblegum was a myth because how could bubbles from the bath be good gum? um, what else.. i’m thinking about killing a man. it’ll probably be vince and i could easily get away with it. i mean, i watched enough of how to get away with murder to know the basics. it seriously cannot be that hard. quentin, i’m just throwing out all my dark secrets here. this is like, prime blackmail material. ”  

He pulled the earbud out, finally paying attention to her,  ‘ Yeah, what? I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention. ’

[qlestranges]

“Do you know what that means? Cats are white people.” // “That’s interesting, have you thought about selling your soul to the devil?” // “Everything feels like the ending of a Kurt Vonnegut novel.” // “Pay respect to your silent masters.” // “It’s important that I know how many people are here.”

“Do you know what that means? Cats are white people.”

‘ Then I’d own a cat, ’  he responds, not even bothering to look up from his assignment. 

“That’s interesting, have you thought about selling your soul to the devil?”

‘ If only your grandmother could hear you now she’d be clutching at her rosary. ’  He tilted his head,  ‘ Should I call Father Thomas? Do you have sins to repent? When was your last communion and confession? ’

“Everything feels like the ending of a Kurt Vonnegut novel.”

‘ Hm, ’  he hums,  ‘ and here I thought you didn’t finish the reading because it was too depressing. Good to know your references are becoming more eloquent, I’m proud of you. ’

“Pay respect to your silent masters.”

He tosses the pillow back at her face,  ‘ You think that’s you? Ha! You only wish. ’

“It’s important that I know how many people are here.”

‘ Why so you can double check how many of them actually RSVP’d? ’  he said, raising the red solo cup to his lips.  ‘ It’s a house party, Val, everyone invites everyone. It’s not my fault you insisted on throwing one at your house. ’   

[qlestranges]

now remember, keep your shoulders back. // i always thought the idea of educating was to learn to think for yourself. // how can you stand it?// i’ll try anything once.// why doesn’t he let you do what you want? // look, i acted like a jerk and i know it.// i came to apologize for the other night.

now remember, keep your shoulders back.

Quinn squared his shoulders before pulling the hockey stick back and whipping it forward where it hit the puck in front of him.  ‘ I have a feeling you’d be a good golfer, ’  he mentions, looking back at Lance,  ‘ if the whole testosterone-filled body checking doesn’t work out for you. ’

i always thought the idea of educating was to learn to think for yourself.

‘ Yes, ’  he conceded,  ‘ however, one should use logic and reasoning and gather enough information before forming opinions, not believe every clickbait hack headline out there. ’

how can you stand it?

He clapped a hand on the other’s shoulder before moving past him to step more into the room.  ‘ You just do, mate. ’

i’ll try anything once.

‘ Clearly, ’  he gestured vaguely towards where Lance was slicking himself up with baby oil to make the ride down the children’s slide all the more easier.  

why doesn’t he let you do what you want? 

Quentin exhaled harshly through his nose, his fists clenching tighter.  ‘ Because that’s just now how we do things, ’  he finally said, sounding a little defeated.  ‘ Not everyone can have a father that gives them free range like yours. ’

look, i acted like a jerk and i know it.

‘ Good to know you acknowledge it, ’  he scoffs, hiking his bag higher on his shoulder.  ‘ But too bad your half-assed apology doesn’t mean shit to me. ’

i came to apologize for the other night.

‘ Go on, ’  he presses with a raised eyebrow. This time, it’s clear that Lance actually means the words coming out of his mouth.  ‘ Be more specific, there’s a lot you have to apologize for. ’

[qlestranges]

CHAR: go have some whiskey, pal. // i can take care of myself just fine.// funny, i never pegged you as a cynic.// what’s his specialty? bootlicking? // now remember, keep your shoulders back. // i love that story.// you can’t be in here. if they caught you, you’d be in big trouble.// bullshit! nothing’s impossible.

go have some whiskey, pal. 

Quentin raised his head from where he had it pillowed on top of folded arms, a dubious look on his face,  ‘ It’s 9 AM on a Tuesday. ’

i can take care of myself just fine.

‘ I see that you can from the way you punched that guy’s lights out -- nice right hook by the way -- but you’re bleeding on my deck, ’  he said, grabbing at Charlotte’s uninjured arm and pulling her away from the prying eyes of party goers.  

funny, i never pegged you as a cynic.

He furrowed his brow,  ‘ Really? Then damn, I guess we really don’t know each other because I’m pretty sure I’m one of the most cynical fuckers out there. ’

what’s his specialty? bootlicking? 

Quentin actually let out a chuckle at that, eyes darting to her before going back to the hulky letterman jacket flatter their AP Lit teacher with wide eyes,  ‘ Well he certainly didn’t get into this class because of his grades. ’

now remember, keep your shoulders back. 

‘ You know I’ve actually never done this, ’  he confessed, trying not to lean on the hockey stick for balance.  ‘ Not just hockey -- ice skating. Never had the chance to. ’

i love that story.

‘ You love it because it ends with someone eating shit, ’  he corrected, pushing his left over plate of fries more towards her.

you can’t be in here. if they caught you, you’d be in big trouble.

He looked up at the sign above the door frame,  ‘ It’s the equipment room, not the locker room, relax. ’ He moved past her, taking a stock of all the different gear before turning back to her,  ‘ Um, do you know where they keep the extra badminton rackets. ’

bullshit! nothing’s impossible. 

He hated that the people in his life constantly radiated positive energy, but Charlotte was a different kind of positive. She was the go-lucky, I-can-do-anything-I-set-my-mind-to kind of positive, and speaking to her was sometimes exhausting.  ‘ Charlotte, just --- let me be a moody little shit okay? ’

[qlestranges]

calm down, shhh. it’s okay. it’s okay. // you can’t be in here. if they caught you, you’d be in big trouble. // i’m not like you. all right? // i don’t want to go here. // “No sir, you have nothing to worry about!” // “Which is weird because I know so many real words.” // “Ugh, slow day today. Welp, gotta set that building on fire!” ///CAT

“calm down, shhh. it’s okay. it’s okay.“

It took a moment for Quentin to unfurl his tightly-wound fists, leaving a stinging in his palms from his blunt nails. He dropped his shoulders from where they were tensed up and brought a hand to card through Catherine’s hair where she had her head pressed against his stomach, her arms wrapped around his hips. It got like this sometimes, after Quentin finished having a meeting with their father in the home office, where his senses shut down and he was a walking shell until something or someone pulled him out. 

He dropped to his knees, ignoring the shooting pain going up his legs to pull Catherine closer to his chest.  ‘ I know, ’  he breathed,  ‘ I know. ’

“you can’t be in here. if they caught you, you’d be in big trouble.”

‘ Yah, ’  he chided, pushing Catherine back into the dressing room with a palm on her head,  ‘ don’t be so dramatic, you kids got dressed before you got here. ’  With his other hand he presented her with a small bouquet of flowers,  ‘ From me and Vovó. She’s saving our seats now and says she can’t wait to see her favorite little turkey on stage. ’  He picked at the decorative feathers of her costume,  ‘ You look cute. ’

“i’m not like you. all right?“ 

‘ God I hope not, ’  he scoffed, crossing his arms. He meant it as more of a dig at himself, knowing all the complicated shit he kept buried deep down would have been too much for her soft little heart.  ‘ Look, you’ll do fine. It’s just a little speech, in front of people you already know and look down to. Don’t follow what people say and imagine them in they’re underwear, just look at the back of the room, pick a spot on the wall and say your stuff. ’

“i don’t want to go here.”

Quentin laughed, ushering her inside the front gates,  ‘ It’s just middle school, it’s the same as elementary – except people are meaner because they’re going through puberty and you change classrooms after every period. ’  He waved at a parent who was giving their child a similar pep talk.  ‘ Now, are you gonna walk in by yourself or do you need me to hold your hand and embarrass you on your first day? ’

“No sir, you have nothing to worry about!”

‘ Lies. ’  He narrowed his eyes, not believing a word she just said.  ‘ Catherine, if there’s nothing to worry about then step aside and let me open your door, ’  he challenged. At that moment he heard another crash sound from her room and in the split second that it distracted her, Quentin grabbed the handle and turned revealing an outright mess and a wild squirrel screeching at the center of it.  He shut the door and peered back down at her, his face expressionless.  ‘ I’m telling Mom. ’

“Which is weird because I know so many real words.”

‘ Yes because babashook is a word you can find in an Oxford dictionary. ’

“Ugh, slow day today. Welp, gotta set that building on fire!”

Not even bothering to look up from the text book in his lap, he waved at her as she passed by,  ‘ Okay, be safe. ’

[dappymemes]

Hari Kondabolu: Warn your relatives sentence starters

“Packed in here man, like 800 people in here.”

“It’s important that I know how many people are here.”

“Oh, eight hundred, that’s it?”

“Oh, fifteen thousand people? Were you performing at my highschool reunion?”

“Why can’t I bring my water through security?”

“COMPLETE SHOPPING MALL FOR NO REASON.”

“I bought a 40 pound toblerone for no reason.”

“Hey, you look nervous, why do you look so nervous?”

“This was a man who didn’t forget.”

“Airport security is a scam.”

“How do little bottles keep us safer?”

“We’re being held hostage by big….little bottle!”

“Go into a machine that swipes right to left and steals your thoughts.”

“Pay respect to your silent masters.”

“What does that tell you?”

“It tells you I’m on the internet too much.”

“No sir, you have nothing to worry about!”

“This is a depression beard! I am depressed!”

“And the look on white American faces.”

“I was having a wonderful time.”

“If you’re the expert on being harassed, it’s time you should do the harassing.”

“All cops should be black and all convenience stores should be run by teenagers.”

“It feels like you’re disturbing a dinner party.”

“Who brought the asshole with the microphone?”

“Why’s he yelling so much?”

“It was a delightful diminishment of my life’s work.”

“Hey, can I give you some advice?”

“You’re too smart!”

“Look at you! Look at what you look like! Look at you!”

“I look like a muppet getting his PHD.”

“I’m familiar with my aesthetic.”

“That would be hilarious.”

“I’m talking really loudly, cause I want everyone there to hear.”

“Which is surprising, cause old white dude.”

“Kid Rock, right?”

“I look nothing like this man.”

“Which is weird, because that’s not how reading works.”

“That’s the saddest shit in the world!”

“If you’ll notice, we have completely different faces.”

“And she/he/they felt bad, and I felt better–so it was a win-win situation.”

“I am a master of disguise.”

“Which is weird because I know so many real words.”

“This was the first white person I ever met who actually couldn’t see race.”

“Does that mean I’m gonna be hit over the head with a bottle of kombucha?!”

“My mom sent me this text.”

“Which I will read to you if I can remember my birthday.”

“I don’t know why you do this to us!”

“She has some reasons to be afraid.”

“You never hear the other side of it.”

“Terrorism has a low bar.”

“Kansas gets homeland security money.”

“And the last time Kansas had to deal with terrorism it ended when a house fell on that witch!”

“That didn’t happen in Kansas, it happened in Oz.”

“That is not terrorism, okay? Cause a white dude did the shooting! That’s mental health issues.”

“They think we’re all the same, you think I give a fuck what they call themselves?!”

“These white motherfuckers melt in the sun, but I’m the snowflake.”

“_____ would close the last bootstrap factory if he/she/they could.”

“Hoping they would be rich and popular by association.”

“You don’t know me!”

“Yes, chess is a sport!”

“They lie to us as if we forgot yesterday.”

“You’re blatantly lying to us!”

“Remember the good ol’ days when we thought ______ was a loose canon?”

“Everything feels like the ending of a Kurt Vonnegut novel.”

“Health insurance might as well be run by casinos at this point.”

“What do we have now? Echinacea, prayer, and a hug.”

“No, I don’t know what those words mean!”

“My healthcare proposal wasn’t about a redistribution of health, but a redistribution of organs.”

“And as we all know, rich peoples’ organs are a delicacy!”

“Free range rich people.”

“We electrocute their anuses, we pull out their entrails, and we feast!”

“It’s a modest proposal.”

“He does all the work already! There’s nothing you can add to that.”

“It sounds like a weird mortal combat move.”

“Honestly, I wasn’t even told, I just kind of knew.”

“My mom is the reason why I’m funny, my dad is the reason I have anxiety.”

“It’s okay, it was a relief.”

“No, half of your genes were an obstacle to overcome.”

“DON’T HAVE CHILDREN. ONLY STUPID PEOPLE HAVE CHILDREN.”

“Well, I thought about it for a while, and I realized your father had no role in raising you, clearly the gender of the parents doesn’t matter, and I could’ve used the help.”

“_____ was in the room at the time, and she said it loud enough so he could hear it.”

“Homosexuality is not an open rebellion against god. Do you know what an open rebellion against god is? NASA.”

“It was the last one.”

“Really, ____? A masturbation joke?”

“So, I was licking this girl’s asshole…”

“Man, I fucking hate firefighters.”

“Who hates firefighters? What are you, the fucking human torch?”

“It’s like a way to justify their job.”

“Ugh, slow day today. Welp, gotta set that building on fire!”

“Is that ethnic food? It’s so spicy. It’s too spicy!”

“It’s water.”

“I wanna put ketchup on everything!”

“No? No ketchup? Ranch?”

“I wanna suck the seed!”

“The story is: the mango was very juicy.”

“His real name, a gift to comedy.”

“THAT MANGO IS THAT GOOD!”

“Oh, I dunno, like a BILLION PEOPLE.”

“Mango talk.”

“I’m Belgian! Belgium has a rich stirring history!”

“This is why you need to cut your highschool friends from facebook.”

“Why does the Devil need an advocate?!”

“That’s interesting, have you thought about selling your soul to the devil?”

“Oh my god, what are you doing here?”

“It seemed so boring.”

“Cause I was giving _____ like nothing to work with.”

“Follow my flow, follow my energy.”

“At this point, he starts screaming and slamming his fist against a metal door.”

“Oh shit! Acting!”

“HE PUNCHED ME IN THE CHEST. WHICH WAS NOT IN THE SCRIPT.”

“This is acting? I hate acting.”

“He punches me right in the sternum! And I hear a crack.”

“That dude beat the shit out of me!”

“No dogs!”

“Do you know what that means? Cats are white people.”

“Cats are not white people, cause then I’d own a cat.”

“Dogs are white people cause they can’t see color.”

“If you think I’m talking about you, then yes! I’m definitely talking about you.”

“Just doing a little not racist stretching!”

“If you’re telling someone we’ve come a long way, you’re telling them to hold their pain in longer and that’s fucked up.”

“Change is hard.”

“You can’t ask me where I’m from and not know geography.”

“Something wrong with me? Clearly, there’s something wrong with you!”

“Where I’m from? Well bust a nut inside your eye and show you where I come from!”

“Gotta get my safety pin on, gotta get my safety pin on!”

“What is the moral of this story?”

“The moral of the story is that some of you need to talk to your white relatives about racism before I magically kill them.”

[memestockpile]

DEAD POETS SOCIETY (1989) // SENTENCE STARTERS

feel free to change pronouns / descriptors !

now remember, keep your shoulders back. 

you’ve been away too long.

you have some big shoes to fill, young man.

i’ll do my best, sir.

come on, son. chin up.

i don’t want to go here.

i hear we’re going to be roommates. 

he looks like a stiff.

what’s his specialty? bootlicking? 

that’s not my fault.

he flatters me.

don’t you ever dispute me in public! do you understand? 

you do as i tell you. is that clear?

that’s my boy!

why doesn’t he let you do what you want? 

i wouldn’t lose too much sleep over it. 

i don’t care. i don’t give a damn about any of it. 

come along, pal.

slow down, you horrible phalanx of pubescence.

because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold, and die. 

seize the day, make your lives extraordinary.

terrible. awful.

that guy could eat a football.

all the good ones go for jerks, you know that.

did you see her naked?

we’re not laying pipe, we’re talking about poetry.

we shouldn’t be doing this.

this is a battle, a war. and the casualties could be your hearts and souls. 

i have a little secret for ya’. huddle up. huddle up! 

we don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. we read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. and the human race is filled with passion. medicine, law, business, engineering, these are all noble pursuits, and necessary to sustain life. but poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.

what will your verse be?

funny, i never pegged you as a cynic.

not a cynic, a realist. 

i doubt the present administration would look too favorably upon that.

no shit, sherlock.

i’ll try anything once.

for god’s sake stop chattering and sit down.

cut out the racket in there.

arrrrr, i’m a dead poet.

it was a dark and rainy night, and this old lady, who had a passion for jigsaw puzzles, sat by herself in her house at her table to complete a new jigsaw puzzle. but as she pieced the puzzle together, she realized, to her astonishment, that the image that was formed was her very own room. and the figure in the center of the puzzle, as she completed it, was herself. and with trembling hands, she placed the last four pieces and stared in horror at the face of a demented madman at the window. the last thing that this old lady ever heard was the sound of breaking glass.

i love that story.

come on, you twerp.

are you a man or an amoeba?

for the first time in my whole life i know what i wanna do.

bullshit! nothing’s impossible. 

whose side are you on?

i’m not like you. all right?

i can take care of myself just fine.

to indeed be a god!

you push it, stretch it, it’ll never be enough. you kick at it, beat it, it’ll never cover any of us. from the moment we enter crying to the moment we leave dying, it will just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream. 

today’s my birthday.

go have some whiskey, pal. 

hey, would you not worry about your precious little neck? 

it’s for you. it’s god.

wipe that smirk off your face.

assume the position.

i always thought the idea of educating was to learn to think for yourself. 

that was a pretty lame stunt you pulled today. 

there’s a time for daring and there’s a time for caution, and a wise man understands which is called for. 

don’t you dare talk back to me!

how can you stand it?

i came to apologize for the other night. 

look, i acted like a jerk and i know it. 

you can’t be in here. if they caught you, you’d be in big trouble.

you are so infuriating.

god, i’m so proud of you.

c’mere, you!

wait, wait – what. where are you going?

go on, get some sleep.

i was good. i was really good. 

it’s all right. it’s going to be all right.

oh no! oh, my son! wake up!

calm down, shhh. it’s okay. it’s okay. 

leave him be.

he wouldn’t – he wouldn’t have done it. 

his father killed him. he made him do it.

thank you. thank you so very much. 

[qlestranges]

quentin lestrange + facebook

[qlestranges]

quentin lestrange + instagram

[wmuse-deactivated20180315]

[spencerhastinghs-deactivated201]

[qlestranges]

*Throws a ball of paper towards you* / “Apparently the swim team had an orgy after hours.” / “I can’t believe you’d say that. Even in an argument, that was low of you.” / “I brought vodka and ice cream.” / [TEXT] I fell down the stairs and… well, I’m in the ER.

*Throws a ball of paper towards you*

The ball hits Quentin square in the face before he can even compute as to what’s going on. He stares at the offending object before turning his steely eyes at Valerie, his expression hard to read.  ‘ How dare you? ’  he asks simply. 

“Apparently the swim team had an orgy after hours.” 

He nearly chokes on his coffee, barely swallowing it down as the reaction hits. Quentin eyes Valerie with suspicion, an eyebrow raised,  ‘ Did Vincent tell you this? Or did you walk in on it? If it’s the latter, I have no sympathy for you. ’ 

“I can’t believe you’d say that. Even in an argument, that was low of you.”

He shrugs, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets, not sure what else to do with them. Sure, it was low of him to undermine Valerie’s class president campaign so he himself can win, but it was outright despicable what he had said to her after when she confronted him. She would never understand, he kept telling himself to justify his actions. She didn’t live in a household where all eyes were on him to succeed with an iron grip on his shoulder. Even if she knew his father as long as he has, she would never know what it was like to be his child. ‘ I said what I said. If you can’t handle that then maybe politics isn’t for you. ’ 

“I brought vodka and ice cream.” 

Quentin looks at the items in her hands and considers them.  ‘ We are two underaged minors, ’  he opens the door wider anyway to let her in.  ‘ There’s whipped cream in the fridge, I’ll get the spoons and the glasses. ’

[TEXT] I fell down the stairs and… well, I’m in the ER.

[ TO: Valerie DuPont ] < UNSENT > You idiot. < UNSENT > How did you even > I’m on my way.

[qlestranges]

“Are you a pokemon? Because I’d like to peek-at-chu.” // *Starts singing [[insert a song no one likes here]] outside your door/window* // [TEXT] IM26C4U.

“Are you a pokemon? Because I’d like to peek-at-chu.”

He raises a curious eyebrow at her and looks Mackenzie up and down.  ‘ Pardon? ’  he says to her. He doesn’t get the reference.  ‘ Did someone put you up to this? ’

*Starts singing Wonderwall outside your door/window* 

Quentin places the cup of coffee back onto the coaster on his desk and leans back in his seat with great concentration on his face. He stares intently at the pages of his textbook, a pencil in his hand, carefully underlining certain terms that he should know for his quiz on Wednesday. He’s in his own little world, not even noticing the creature outside his bedroom window screeching into the night. How can he notice that if he has Mozart blasting into his ears to help him focus. 

[TEXT] IM26C4U.

[ TO: Mackenzie Davenport ]> I’m guessing Vincent took your phone?

[zoeyrph]

a really long, but categorized, ask meme

ACTIONS - ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING

*Accidentally spills [[SPECIFY HERE]] on you*

*Slaps you*

*Kisses you on the lips*

*Bites your lip*

*Rubs your shoulders*

*Dumps ice water over your head*

*Winks at you*

*Flips hair at you*

*Throws a ball of paper towards you*

*Hands you a note, inside it says [[SPECIFY HERE]]*

*Slams the door shut behind you*

*Storms out of the room*

*Wraps my arms around you from behind*

*Kisses your neck*

*Nibbles on your earlobe*

*Tucks a strand of hair behind your ear*

*Strokes your hair*

*Caresses your cheek*

*Holds you in my arms*

QUOTES - PICK UP LINES EDITION

“You’re cute and I’m horny. You thinking what I’m thinking?”

“I see you like cardio… wanna go back to my place and do it together?”

“I’m sorry, but I just received a call for you. From heaven? I think they’re missing an angel.”

“Hold my hand? I’m afraid I’m getting lost in your eyes.”

“Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.”

“Are you a pokemon? Because I’d like to peek-at-chu.”

“If I had a dollar for every beautiful girl/guy I saw tonight, I’d have one dollar. Because the only beautiful girl/guy in here is you.”

“Maybe I could show you my [[SPECIFY ITEM]] collection. It’s back at my house, so we’d have to go there but…”

*Spills a drink on your shirt* “I’m so sorry! But if it’s any reassurance, I think that top would look better on my bedroom floor anyways.”

QUOTES - STRANGERS EDITION

“I’m sorry, have we met before?”

“I don’t know you, but thanks.”

“You’re a very nice guy/girl, you know that?”

“We only just met… but I’d really like to see you again.”

“Do you think you could move your ass out of my friend’s seat?”

“It’s none of your business. We just met.”

“Hey I’m [[NAME HERE]] and my crazy ex-girlfriend/boyfriend is here and I was wondering if you’d pretend to date me so I can get them off my back?”

"I’m so sorry about that! Let me buy you a new sandwich.”

“Oh shit. I didn’t mean to trip you I swear, I’m sorry.”

QUOTES - WORKPLACE EDITION

“Did you get that email I sent you last night?”

“No, I’m serious. She/he brought a flask to work.”

"I overheard the boss and I think you’re about to be put up for a promotion!”

“I know what you’ve got in that top drawer.”

“I can’t believe you’re drunk at work.”

“You know, most people watch porn at home.”

“Your Netflix binge is using up all the broadband.”

“Stop torrenting, asshole! I have a report to send off to Japan in an hour and I can’t even open Gmail!”

“If you spent half as much time on doing your job as you do on World on Warcraft, maybe you’d have a chance at a promotion too.”

“You’ve been working here for 6 years and you don’t know where the break room is?”

QUOTES - SCHOOL EDITION

“Didn’t you hear? [[NAME HERE]] and [[NAME HERE]] hooked up last night!”

"We lost the playoffs.”

“The girls team beat the boys!”

“I heard he/she got called into the principal’s office.”

“Apparently the swim team had an orgy after hours.”

“I heard they were fucking in the bathroom.”

“She/he’s been paying people to do their homework!”

“She/he fell running in the hallway and knocked out a few teeth.”

“I can’t believe we’re graduating this year.”

“Being a freshman sucks.”

“I slept with a sophomore last weekend.”

“She/he told me they were a junior!”

“Why are those freshmen staring at you?”

“Is there a reason everyone suddenly knows your name overnight?”

“How come everyone suddenly knows who I am?”

“Did you tell them about my [[INSERT SECRET HERE]]?!”

"I can’t believe you hooked up with my boyfriend/girlfriend.”

“I definitely failed that test.”

“I got an A on my essay!”

QUOTES - SASS EDITION

“Wow, there’s a stick wedged so far up your ass I don’t think I can even pull it out.”

“I’m sorry, but my number of fucks to give has officially reached a negative number.”

“Uranus called and said I’m huge and in the way.”

"I’m searching… searching… oh. Well would you look at that. I couldn’t find any fucks to give.”

“What’s the difference between a dolphin and you? Dolphins have brains.”

“Just because that’s mistletoe hanging above us doesn’t mean I’m going to kiss you.”

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.”

“At this point you might as well ask for my autograph.”

QUOTES - ARGUMENTS/ROWS/QUARRELS EDITION

“You know I’m right! I’m always right!”

"Shut up. Just shut up!”

“I don’t need to listen to this.”

“You’re lying.”

“I can’t believe you’d say that. Even in an argument, that was low of you.”

“I can’t look at you.”

“Don’t fucking touch me.”

“If you say one more word, I swear…”

“Pipe down, you’re making a scene.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Now I know why people think you’re neurotic.”

“You must be crazy.”

“I’m not backing down.”

"You can’t hide the truth forever, you know.”

“What’s your issue?”

"You make me so angry.”

"This has nothing to do with you.”

QUOTES - LOVERS EDITION

"And… and I love you! It’s what I’ve been trying to tell you all along.”

“I don’t know how to say it. But you know what I’m trying to say, right?”

“I’ve never been good at this. I don’t do relationships. But I… I want to try with you.”

"You’re the one that I want.”

“I don’t care. I don’t give a shit, don’t you get it? I don’t give a flying fuck unless it has to do with you. I love you.”

"Please don’t say that. You know you’re the only one for me. Fuck everyone else.”

“I can’t stop thinking about you. Every minute of every day. I could be standing in the shower or cooking breakfast, but you’re still the only thought on my mind.”

“I want to wake up next to you, everyday for the rest of my life.”

“I’ve always been afraid of commitment, okay? That’s why I sleep around.”

"I’ve never wanted to give love a try until now.”

“Please, don’t leave me.”

“I need you more than you will ever know.”

“I love you more than I could ever express in words.”

QUOTES - DRUNK AND KNOCKING AT YOUR DOOR EDITION

*Starts singing [[SPECIFY SONG NAME]] outside your door/window*

“I didn’t fuck him/her, I swear!”

“I brought vodka and ice cream.”

“You left your anal beads at my house. Wait… no, they’re just normal mardi gras beads.”

“I can’t believe you went without me!”

“I love you, I love you so much and you just don’t see it. What am I supposed to do?”

“I know you’re sad and upset. Let me be your distraction! I want to be your distraction!”

“I can’t find my apartment and I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

“Let me in! I think I’m gonna throw up.”

QUOTES - NSFW EDITION

“What do you think about this outfit?”

“Bend over.”

“It’s not going to get up by itself, you know.”

“I thought you’d be bigger.”

“Where did we leave those damned handcuffs?”

“I can’t find my vibrator.”

“Just set your phone on vibrate!”

“I want to fuck you until you’re raw and shaking.”

“That’s it… do a little striptease for me.”

“You can watch… but you can’t touch.”

“Be quiet! They’re going to hear us.”

“And get this… the new toy? It glows in the dark.”

“I’ve got two flavours. Cherry or fruit punch?”

“I want to be on top.”

“That is one fine ass.”

“You look like a screamer.”

“Let me tie you up.”

“What’ll our safeword be?”

“I love making you squirm.”

“Not my neck! It’s summer, I can’t wear a turtleneck in the sun.”

TEXTS - DRUNK EDITION

[TEXT] You dumped me for HIM/HER?

[TEXT] I can’t stop listening to our song.

[TEXT] My pillow still smells like you.

[TEXT] You left your cologne when you moved out. I used it up.

[TEXT] Do you even love me?

[TEXT] What happened to us?

[TEXT] I just want to eat bacon and see you naked. And then eat bacon off of you naked.

[TEXT] IM26C4U.

[TEXT] You never gave a shit about me.

[TEXT] I couldn’t care less.

[TEXT] Now you know how it feels.

[TEXT] I still love you.

[TEXT] I can’t stop thinking about all the times you told me you loved me… and wondering if they were lies.

TEXTS - NSFW EDITION

[TEXT] You can’t have me if you can’t even get the three C’s. Chocolates, champagne, and candles.

[TEXT] I’m in the bath… come join me?

[TEXT] Don’t tease. You know I like it rough.

[TEXT] Bed, counter, or floor?

[TEXT] If you can get here in five minutes I’ll suck you off first.

[TEXT] What do you think about threesomes? And, what about foursomes?

[TEXT] You’ve been naughty, I’m going to punish you.

[TEXT] I can’t believe you just sent me that. I’m at work/school!

TEXTS - EMERGENCY EDITION

[TEXT] I fell down the stairs and… well, I’m in the ER.

[TEXT] ______ got injured during their game and I’m waiting with them at the hospital but I can’t do this alone.

[TEXT] Did you know your mother/father is at the hospital right now??

[TEXT] I was cleaning out the garage and I’m stuck under some boxes!! Please help before the spiders get me.

[TEXT] I don’t know what happened I was just cooking and then all of a sudden the pasta was on fire!