[quintetdays]

I wish she saw me and all of the hideousness and smallness and told me I was beautiful and kissed me - I wish she would come into this room, pull me up to the wall by my neck and hold me there and tell me she hates me and kissed me and choked me and and kissed me and rattled my back into the wall until I didn't exist - I wish I woke up next to her and the sun was warm on the bed and she'd roll over and tell me good morning my love and I could curl up and she would hold me .

[quintetdays]

reminiscing because of my stupid best friend mentioning stupid old people. wondering what she looks like, who she’s seeing, if she’s ever been intimate with someone, what that person is like. if she’s ever been soft with someone. if she’s still like that. you know. that. i wonder what the fuck was her problem, i wonder what she would have done if i showed her all that i wrote about her. i think she would throw them away and i’d be glad. i think about what in me called to her, and wonder if it ever called back. i think it really doesn’t matter at all anymore. i think i’d still like to know. it calls in me still, ambiguously, ineffably, searching for its like in someone else. i dunno. what the fuck was her problem?

[quintetdays]

I wonder if she knows how overwhelming it all is for me too

[quintetdays]

Hands on my knees, curled in the backseat of my car. My toes under her thighs; her long ass limbs spread, feet planted on the plastic floor mats. Fingers drawing mindless circles as she talked animatedly about how she grew up. My hands in her hair, my face on her shoulder. Warm and warm and as if I wasn't yelling at my self alone in the car moments earlier. My heart resting, my thoughts having left for the night.

My mouth on her neck, my teeth on her gasps, my hands running along her breaths, we stop for a moment and she says suddenly, - ---- ---

And I'm blindsided by honesty by how real it all is and my heart is shaken awake and-

I feel like I'm shaking, speechless, and all I want is to be held. And she holds me and repeats it and I. Ah.

[quintetdays]

Exhausted tired quiet, I wish I could be better; I wish I could be limitless in a world without limits. But instead I am metered, in a city of parking regulations. I wish I could know and love every body that I wanted, I wish I had the energy and time and capacity for more, more, more.

[quintetdays]

I like you, I like you. This will not be worship or obsession. I like you, I like you, calmly, without uncontrollable repetition. This will be healthy, honest, intentional, patient.

[quintetdays]

I don't want to breathe I hate this I hate this I don't want this I just want to hold her

Trash garbage disgusting weak incompetent tired useless worthless garbage garbage garbage garbage fire fire fire

Breathing

I want her to hold my face and make me feel small and gone

I'm so tired

I need to sleep

I'm okay, I'm okay

I'm okay.

[quintetdays]

Listing all the things I want to get for her and serve her and be a shallow waste of time for her, her, her, her, her, *****, *****, *****, *****, ***** ***** ***** repeating her name like a stupid broken prayer I want to hold her and worship her but I can't and I won't I need to be asleep right now I'm 

[quintetdays]

YaHOO this crash feels gr88 love having thots abt dying come back on repeat after one (1) day of not having them!! When will I not have to rely on the company of others to make this go away!!!!!!! #JustGirlyThings #TGIF #YUM

[quintetdays]

"I'm not thinking about dying anymore, which is great" and I'm chuckling and warm in her arms, but she's alarmed, why is she alarmed, don't be alarmed oh no don't worry don't worry. She's afraid and alarmed and worrying and she shouldn't be it's okay I have it under control it's normal and unthreatening I swear, stop don't have that look in your eyes, your brow, the crease in your mouth--

"About finals!! Studying! Haha! It's fine! I'm fine! I don't think about death every second of quiet I have in my days hahA"

[quintetdays]

I had a dream where I was nauseous and dizzy and empty and I couldn't walk or see in continuous frame. Everything was tick tick spinning and I was grasping at air. Most of the dream was me going why? Why is this happening what is the solution? And it'd get worse and more disorienting and it was like reality was staying but my perception of it was warping and melting and evaporating. And then I realized it was because I hadn't eaten, enough at all, and I was reaching for bread for food for the table that was just too far away and then falling and then and then

[quintetdays]

This morning was so good!!!!! It even came with neck kisses and an orgasm and a really cute girl!!! Why!! Am I!! Still so sad!! And insecure in who I am!!! Fuck!!!!!

[quintetdays]

Please don't be afraid please don't be afraid please don't

[quintetdays]

sleepy darling (I am a)

[quintetdays]

I'd like it if she touched my face and held me again but that's just my opinion

[quintetdays]

I messaged her that I wanted to see her and she came to let me see her! I wanted to hold her hand so I asked and she put her hand in mine!! It's almost as if explicitly communicating what I want is the easiest to understand, most direct way to receive the things that I'd like from a person!!! WOWZAS!!!!

[quintetdays]

WAIT IM DUMB AS HELL a binch is gay n wanting physical intimacy bc it's nearly finals and high stress is inflaming my need for physical touch!!!!! That makes!!!! So much sense!!!!!!!