covert narcissism

i have this thing where i get older but just never wiser.

[qynzel]

i used to blame gotham for my past. accountability is hard. i wanted to find a way to not be responsible for the people i hurt. one moment can change your entire story, but i think we kid ourselves if we think those moments only happen by chance. we do get a choice ⸻ and today, i choose to be better than i was yesterday.

QYNZEL, a mixed canon interpretation of dc’s harleen quinzel, md.  themes include redefinition and recovery. triggering & nsfw content within.  anti-joker/harley.  mutuals only & 21+. icon border.

* i'm stuck on the new post editor so i would greatly appreciate if y'all could use xkit rewritten & the beta editor to trim posts - if you use legacy xkit / the legacy editor, i'm not able to trim your reply.

LINKS, doc  ,  sideblog  ,  aesthetic blog  ,   prompts  ,   bella

[gunbasharch]

from @qynzel: harleen, pressing a soft kiss to sebastian’s cheek, then tucking herself against his side, head on his shoulder. there’s a fire crackling - a bottle of red open on the coffee table in front of them.

( a coffee table they picked out at the metropolis mall’s crate & barrel half a year ago - followed by a shared slice of cheesecake at some chain restaurant neither of them ever thought they’d see the inside of again. these are two people who have learned that there is joy in normalcy and that the mundane is a gift. )

“ i got those cookies you like at the store today,” she hums, wrapping her arms around one of his. her hair is shorter now than when they met, and she wears her glasses so much more. her white doctor’s coat hangs on the hook by the front door, alongside two sets of keys. “ tell me about your day.”

HE APPRECIATES THIS , these little pockets of peacetime with harley at his side . quaint lulls . tender trembles of time with the space set aside for conversations , teasing , and mutual affection . the room is warm , THEIRS , inhabited by cozy purchases they found together and assorted , random collections — it's home like no other , a once daunting space of nothingness crowded with items they love , with people they love . as sebastian sets his glass down on the coffee table , harley mentions the cookies ( he perks up , pretending to consider LAUNCHING OFF THE COUCH to go retrieve them from the pantry , but he chuckles and abandons that plan in favor of more cuddling ) . ❝ should have brought them over here while we sit , ❞ he chides playfully , sneaking a kiss to harley's temple . ❝ thank you for thinking of me . you saw how i was the last time we had those in the house . your very own cookie monster . ❞ another sip of wine . he reaches for the bottle then , adding a bit more pinot noir to harley's glass , before reclining back and fully growing acclimated to their comfortable snuggle . ❝ mm . my day ? what about yours . yours must have been very exciting . ❞ sebastian tucks a shorter strand of blonde hair behind her closest ear and gives her earlobe a faint little kiss . ❝ all right . i'll tell you how it went . ❞ he lays his head atop hers on his shoulder , and for a moment it's silent — NESTLED IN PEACE . the room is still warm . he tucks closer to her , and with the voice of a storyteller , he begins . ❝ my day always starts the same way every morning , which is exactly how i like it . with you . then at work — you'll never guess what happened . . . ❞

[qynzel]

y’know i’m not really on here anymore but i just gotta say: harleen quinzel is, at heart, a speak now girlie

[livelovecaliforniadreams]

[godblooded]

i need noise, need the buzz of a saw, need the crack of a whip, need some blood in the cut. 

a sideblog to @godblooded. ind. nolanverse hathacat selina kyle as lovingly crafted by kat valentine, set in matt reeves’ the batman, heavily influenced by the ocean’s 8 series.

[lily-musings]

                                   God, God, what do I do                                     after all this survival?

[qynzel]

hi friends!! just wanted to post a quick update that my activity is probably going to tank here over the next couple of weeks - desperately trying to finish my eras tour outfit & friendship bracelets (u know how it be). love y'all ♡

[thesoldiersminute]

Margot Robbie The 2023 Met Gala

[qynzel]

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[qynzel]

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[qynzel]

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[clawsextended]

“ i’m not pissed at you anymore. ”

i’m furious. i’m enraged. i’m so fucking angry. the hatred’s sitting in my gut and it’s burning through my stomach. the acid’s dripping out is what it feels like. i’ve imagined killing her more than twelve or thirteen times even if she’s saved my ass like i can’t believe. keeping a distance between us is painful but the idea of closing the gap is nauseating. i’m stuck between the two fucking extremes, but when doesn’t @qynzel force me into that shit?

but i’m trying not just give in.

holly’s watching tv with bruce. I somehow trust a man who used to be a deranged clown. i’d say ‘ i somehow trust a man ’ but bruce is just bruce, no label required.

i have a few clothes here now that i’m laying low at the fucking quinzel manor because i’m the heiress to the mob. more sentences that make total sense. completely logical. none of it’s completely out of control. black turtleneck is comfy enough, can pull it around me, cable-knit, chunky.

“ i don’t know what the fuck to do with all of this. but sounds like i’m kind of the problem. how do we fix it? my solution’s violence. ”

[qynzel]

my immediate reaction : yeah, but you're not exactly sleeping in my bed, either. the bruce in my head frowns at me. ( i think that might be my conscious. i haven't told bruce that i imagine him as my moral center. that's a lot of pressure to put on somebody, especially a recovering ⸺ that. selina would say clown, but i won't. ) i fold my arms over my chest, floppy sleeves of bruce's sweatshirt hanging past my hands. i don't think selina's ever seen me in something that's not skintight, barring the padding of the suit ⸺ but i feel like i need the armor, these days.

❛ okay. ❜ okay is safe. at least, i think it is, but head-bruce is frowning again. i'm sitting in an arm chair, knees pulled up to my chest and tucked into the sweatshirt, trying to make myself small. i'll stretch it out, but i don't think bruce will notice, let alone care. it's not my fault everything i own is tiny and pink. if i thought seducing selina would get us out of this mess, i'd do it in a heartbeat ⸺ but i don't think tiny and pink is really her vibe to begin with.

❛ you're not the problem. ❜ that is the conclusion that real-bruce and i have come to, after hours of me going over . . . and over . . . and over . . . and over every single detail of that night. and the nights that followed. i will inevitably end up sprawled across the foot of his bed tonight, recounting the conversation selina and i are having right now. i will inevitably sleep there, or on the floor, because my bed is too big and too soft to be in without selina. ❛ we both have problems. and i ⸺ i broke your trust. i think . . . time? ❜

head-bruce smiles a little. the whole accountability thing really does it for him, i guess. i scrunch my nose at selina. ❛ you're not going to trust me again overnight. and i ⸺ ❜ i mean to say hate that, but i won't. ❛ i don't know, kitty. violence is easier. wanna hit me until you're not mad anymore? ❜

[cursedhouse]

⸺ everything that's mine is a landmine / written by octavia.

[qynzel]

@shepurrs ⸺- ❛ Maybe one day, when you stop playing make believe, you'll get it. ❜

my default state lately has been wine buzzed ⸺ not drunk enough to warrant bruce saying something, not drunk enough to not be responsible, but drunk enough to relax. drunk enough to quiet the constant chatter in my head. you know ⸺ she's prettier than you, he loves her more, he married her, she gave him a daughter and you can never do that. all of that. those thoughts i lock away in my chest and don't dare breathe to the man i share my nights with.

i'm curled on a couch in the library, half-empty bottle of rosé on the end-table beside me. it's my second today and it's only half-noon, but it takes a lot to get me drunk, thanks to ivy's whole toxin immunity thing. i think selina might be here with helena. i hope she is. bruce deserves a life knowing his daughter. even if that's a life without me in it. ( but how fucking cruel, to use a child as a bargaining chip. )

i shouldn't goad her, but i haven't felt this helpless since ⸺ well, since you know when. everyone in gotham knows when. kind of hard to miss the clown prince's bruised bride. i take another long sip from my wine glass. i mean, this is exactly what you'd expect from the third wife, isn't it? the younger, bubbly but slightly bitter blonde with a tiny bit of a coke habit?

( i don't even know if he was married to talia. maybe i'm only the second, but i'm too afraid to ask. but damian's doing his homework upstairs, and that's answer enough. even if there wasn't a ring ⸺ )

❛ my life isn't a game, ❜ i say, more slowly than i mean to, like i have to think about every word as i say it. ❛ this is the first time my life isn't a game. ❜

she, of all people, has to understand that.

[qynzel]

@shepurrs ⸺ She'd take your pain away from you if she could, Quinn. She really would, but you both know that's too simple to work. Instead, she brushes her lips across her temple and holds her closer. You can stay here tonight, she says, without saying anything at all.

you think that she might be running out of patience with you. ivy already has. after all, how many times can you watch someone make the same mistake without ever learning? sometimes, you have to set a boundary, even with the people that you love ⸺ you used to be a psychiatrist. you know all about boundaries. you used to tell people to set them. it's a little bit ironic that you're so bad at it now.

( what they don't know ⸺ ivy and selina, the bat ⸺ is that you are learning. you don't look at joker with that same childlike naivety and adoration. you don't think you're going to save him, anymore. you don't think that there's anything to save. you stopped believing that the seventh time he threw you out the door and left you shivering on a cold winter night. but what they don't understand is that you have nowhere else to go. you wanted one thing your entire life ⸺ to be a doctor. being a doctor meant getting out. being a doctor meant being able to save people like your mom. but you threw all of that away for him. you were out. you were standing on top of gotham, feeling the wind in your hair for the first time in your life, but you threw yourself back in. for him. they don't know that, either. they think he dragged you in. )

you tuck your head against selina's chest and you allow yourself to whisper a shaky thank you. there are two and a half people in all of gotham that care about you. the half only cares because it's his job. you know that if you're ever going to get back out, it's going to be because they're carrying you ⸺ but they're never going to be able to do that, because you're so fucking exhausting to be around, because you'll just throw yourself back in all over again.

two and a half, down to two. ( selina, half the bat, half ivy. ) you wonder if red'll forgive you for going back this time.

❛ can we go to bed? ❜

[qynzel]

pssst. hey? hey guess what? ily.

dixon!!! i love YOU!!! ♡

[qynzel]

Good girl

i'm in the middle of a sentence. i know that. but i can't, for the life of me, remember what that sentence is. i'm staring up at waylon, lips parted ; i don't wear my hair in pigtails anymore, but i might as well be, given the look on my face. my tongue flicks out over my top lip, and i think i was saying something important, but right now the only thought in my head is that waylon could be inside me in about two seconds flat if he wanted to be. i'm already reaching for him, hand on his thigh, other on his chest.

i'm already getting wet, and i'm almost embarrassed by how fast it was. i would be, if i didn't know he was doing this on purpose.

❛ ⸺ hi, daddy. ❜

i'm giving in. i'm scratching the itch in my brain that i'm not supposed to scratch. but i think this is damage control ⸺ i give into this urge, but not the others. sure, i'm eager to give myself over to him, completely, totally, but he hasn't hurt me yet. that's progress. it's not like i'm throwing myself at the feet of some man that wants to bleed me dry.

( and i'll be harleen again once we're done ⸺ equal footing. equal voice. and waylon'll guide me back to that place like he does every time. )

❛ y'know, y'can't just say somethin' like that and not shove your cock in a gal. ❜

[qynzel]

something i've been thinking about with harleen is that i like to make fun of her for being so fcking h*rny but honestly i think a lot of it is not her actually being h*rny, it's just her being deeply fucking traumatized and not knowing any way to be intimate other than sex. no other way to quiet her brain. sex is her solution to everything and she wants it all the time ( hypersexual babie ) but it's not ....... maybe sometimes it's not in a physical way, and she doesn't know that yet. eventually, when she's had more time to heal and is in a relationship where she actually feels safe, she'll realize it because her body'll like... finally actually take over ( her actual non-traumatized sex drive is still very high )

[qynzel]

and i guess to add onto that: this makes sense when you consider that she literally has not had a non-traumatic meaningful sexual experience since she was 19 years old. like, the thing with her professor? joker? i'm sure there were hookups when she was in med school / working at arkham but it's not like those left a mental mark. for her to be in a relationship or simply to sleep with someone she cares about and have it not be awful is . . . . a first :/