H… Howdy… ?
I felt like giving an update: me & my current best friend (& now-current partner ❤️) are doing a lot better & I’m still refollowing/unfollowing people from this blog, connecting side blogs to my new main, etc. & once I’m done doing that, then I’ll turn this blog back to private & continue to keep trucking forward elsewhere.
I initially was going to delete the prior posts that I made now that I am aware of at least some different, but minor details, but I feel like that’s not exactly taking accountability for my own behavior in this situation & there are quite a few things that still ring true for me in the previous posts, so up they stay!
Anywho: the ex-best friend who got my partner kicked from the server over a paranoid assumption literally created a big self-fulfilling prophecy, given I did, indeed, finally find out what exactly was even said about me in the server eons after I left—something that the other guy artist friend who wasn’t the person my ex-best friend accused of & assumed had told me about The Vent had not mentioned at all—& I think what I was told does solidify the observations me & my partner made, which is that this ex-best friend is very stubborn, lacks self-awareness, & isn’t actually as good at taking accountability as he claims to be, given he seemed to actively leave out quite a few details of behaviors & actions that happened behind closed doors on his end, that I am very much certain he knows would paint him in a bad light & that he’d have to actually own up to, would not get excessive validation for, etc.
While I’m not particularly happy with how he & the other ex-friend treated me & my partner wrt thinking/behaving as if they could be the only “messy people” in the situation—plus whatever tf was going on with the ex-friend who actively lied & said I would “pressure” them into responding to memes & would “constantly” message them, when that was an issue we resolved & talked out eons ago, & I literally had not been talking to this person for months outside of offering them a leather trench coat, which they accepted while actively being two-faced—I’m going to say that it was a mutual issue on all fronts outside of Whatever Weird Straight-Up-Lying Shit That Was Re: The Meme B.S. & ofc what happened to my partner losing friends over someone else not being honest, too: that wasn’t okay & never will be okay & I am 99% sure, at this point, this ex-best friend either subconsciously &/or consciously targeted my partner, because they weren’t as rooted & popular in the server as the guy artist friend who actually brought all this up to me initially was, etc.
There was lack of communication, a lotta projected words & actions that I was, y’know, not doing (& would have been willing to talk about once I wasn’t feeling as hurt?), I made my own assumptions that were only partially accurate in some cases, & the friendships that I had with these 2 ex-friends were dysfunctional & arguably very one-sided in various ways from the get-go & progressively got worse & worse over the years, given I wasn’t actively working on my OCD compulsions & I have a tendency to not really respect myself & to let people, especially men who are a tad bit misogynistic, continuously walk all over me, take from me 24/7, etc. while not really giving much in return & then somehow, when I finally try to change that, I am the only one to blame for… setting a boundary? Re-setting a boundary? I dunno. The ex-best friend seems to think people cannot change their minds about XYZ Thing That Is Realistic To Change Ones Mind About & I cannot 100% confirm this at this point, but given some of what I & my partner observed happening: I think he & the other ex-friend told the mods/other people that my, y’know, actually admitting & attempting to own up to MUTUALLY BAD behavior that was going on behind closed doors—that I, of course, ALSO contributed to—that me & this ex-best friend were both actively doing, etc. was me “lying” &/or trying to make Whomstever “look bad” & I think that was an easy thing to accomplish wrt convincing people of xyz lie, given a lot of these folks—who were/still are running the server where all of this happened—were/are incredibly avoidant, only seem to listen to people who are in the weird niche clique that makes up that server, did not thoroughly speak to all/both sides (no one ever messaged my partner directly wrt them being unfairly kicked; they literally had to hear the apology from the server owner through me, which is… mmm), etc. & I honestly did go about bringing all this up in an OCD-guilt compulsion related way, which, unfortunately: caused quite a few issues… however, either way: my ex-best friend has definitely done the venting-about-an-ex-friend-after-they-left-the-server before what happened to me, y’know, happened, which I did also contribute to—which is how I even know/am aware this seems to be a pattern—& I definitely should have called that out, but again: rose-colored glasses, that friendship wasn’t healthy, & I was essentially this guy’s pick-me, which isn’t/was not something I’m obviously proud of, given how we both mutually ended up treating a lot of folks publicly & also how we did not speak well of people—some of whom we considered to be our literal friends—behind closed doors.
I hope these ex-friends are arguably “okay” now(?)—given the situation was a literal communication trash fire on all fronts, even if they never really took visible responsibility for that on their ends—& I hope they are, at this point, actually putting their money where their mouth is, instead of being weirdly indirect, passive-aggressive, & projecting sentiments that they didn’t/don’t seem to be actively practicing & dealing with onto other people; not just myself &/or my partner…
Uhhh… I genuinely don’t want either of these ex-friends to reach out to my partner at this point, tbh, unless it’s to give a direct apology that is not full of b.s.: I am mentioning this because a mutual connection—that I ended up my removing myself from, due to our dynamic hurting the both of us—did mention to me that one of the ex-friends was considering sending my partner a message, I guess? But either way: if that does ever actually end up happening, again: that apology better actually be a real one that validates the hurt that they experienced & that isn’t chalk full of excuses, justifications, etc. for why what they did/caused to happen to my partner was remotely okay, & not a completely fucked up thing to do to someone who… heartbreakingly, did on some level believe they were actually friends with this ex-friend of mine, until he hopped into their DMs in a very entitled, uncomfortable, & upsetting way wrt to his anger towards me for, god forbid, finding out he did something he should not have done in the server’s vent channel in the first place… & uhhh… wow, this text post is getting long fdgdgfg, but anyways, yeah: I wish these 2 well in whatever endeavors they’re doing, especially given I know the ex-best friend’s at home life with his parents was/is pretty bad & shitty, but while I personally do forgive both of them, on some level wrt what was done to me & what I mutually did to them, etc. at this point: I don’t really want to hear about how they’re doing, what art projects they’re working on now, etc.—they can stay in their corner & I can stay in mine.
The amount of energy I wasted on my unfinished biz OCD compulsions re: these mutually dysfunctional friendships was a huge waste of brain space & I am now arguably “doing better” wrt being able to focus on better friendships, dealing with my OCD symptoms, & being able to mostly/fully focus on the future 98% of the time now, which involves gay daydreaming about moving in with my love & our 2 cats until… Y’KNOW, my OCD decides to attack me again at some point in the far future, but, that’s a worry for a different day (& I can always just get back up if I get knocked down, etc.).
New blog: I’m putting a public link now, given I won’t be logging back in here for a while &, at this point: I don’t really care if folks I no longer talk to decide to take a gander, given I have everyone involved blocked on my end, so none of them can message me, which is my only concern at this point.
#SWAG 💛🐘
