i understand that you’re saying we shouldn’t strip rapists of their humanity because it excuses them of their actions and everyone can be rehabilitated(?) this might be a stupid question but is it okay for victims to refer to their abusers as irredeemable, evil, subhuman, etc?
this is a good and very honest question and i appreciate it. to start with, i'm saying what i'm saying for multiple reasons; yes, its very true that if we fall for the alluring draw of saying that rape is an evil terrible thing that only evil terrible people can do, it both excuses their actions as inevitable and agency-less rather than active choices made in disregard of a targets wellbeing or consent, there's the matter of falsely accused innocents (happening especially to members of minority groups) facing life ruining punishment, and then it also does make meaningful rehabilitation much more difficult for the people who are willing to go "i have seriously harmed someone in deeply personal, violative ways, and i want to be able to understand the depth of the harm i've caused and make amends for it in what ways i can, even if that just means solo work and therapy completely disconnected from the possibility or idea of getting forgiveness from my victim. i want to be accountable and i am sorry for the damage i've done", because it posits that there is ultimately no point to actually trying to learn or grow or try to understand or empathize with the harm they're responsible, since because they're part of the rapist subhuman group, it will be inevitable for them to strike again as a part of their nature.
but i feel an equally important side of the discussion on the effects of this rhetoric really easily gets left out, as it does for many other topics; what does this actually materially do for victims? and the truth is that if we follow what these implications cause, it gets in the way of actually supporting victims. if we run with the idea that rapists aren't like normal humans, if only bad apples and twisted cruel souls are capable of harming people in this way, what happens when an upstanding patriarch and pillar of his local community gets accused by a young member of the choir? "well, he's a good honest man who's always done right by his fellow man and by his church, there's simply no way he could've done something like that, she must be confused," etc etc etc. the reality is that we live in a culture where rape is highly normalized and accepted in the right contexts, while still being taboo. when dehumanization becomes baked into the conception of people who can perpetrate a harm, the material effect is that those who have sizeable social capital will have both easier access to situations where they can take advantage, and will also be able to deal with and ignore the fallout of the damage better than anyone else.
so going back to your question, i think using the language of "okay, not okay" is less helpful than using language of productivity. its very normal to have complex and painful feelings around abusers and im definitely not saying otherwise, nor do i really think its helpful to limit the emotional expression of people who are already at a baseline going to have a harder time untangling and understanding their feelings around traumatic experiences, and im not saying we should get in the way of that or that abusers, even accountable accepting and apologetic abusers, are owed eventual forgiveness by their victims. i think that victims being able to allow themselves to feel and explore their feelings, including their anger, regret, spite, and more is really important of actually healing from harm. but there's a difference between what you express on a personal individual level, and what you support and argue for as political praxis towards your ideal world. i've felt a lot of retributive fantasies towards my abusers and have seen them in highly negatively charged ways and have described them as such to those close to me over the years, but i still recognize they are people who had the free will and choice to choose otherwise, or to choose to be accountable for the harm instead of running from it. thats really the difference here. frustratedly talking with a close friend about how shitty it is that an ex friend could've betrayed you in that way and how much of a waste of space they are when you thought they could be better is a different thing than seriously arguing or lobbying that we need to make all convicted sexual crimes life sentences in prison to keep dangerous superpredators off the streets
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