memo; donāt save me, if you want to save me.
āIn front of your bloody grave, I talked. To you.
āYou can be sulking as much as you want. You can mess our kitchen and put humanās fingers or heads or whatever in frige as much as you need.
Iād never complain and never tell you to clean that up. Never make you wash dishes, never force you eat or sleep.
Iād do anything, give you anything.
Tell me that youāre alive in any possible way you can. Iād learn even morse if that was it.
So just, please come back to Baker Street. Iām begging you. Stop being dead.
āSherlock, at those days, I couldnāt believe that I would never be able to tell you what I had to tell you for years. Iād been beating up myself that I wasted so many chances to do it.
There are too many things that I couldnāt tell you, that I couldnāt do for you.
And one of them was protecting you. ā
āI heard about what had happened to you during youād, ā¦been not here. Of course I did from your brother. What am I if I didnāt? And yet, Iām angry with you. Oh, so much angry with you more than ever.
Because youād never let me protect or help you. Because youād never thought that Iām capable of.
āJohn thatās far from the truth. Youāve saved my life countless times,ā
āLet me just clear about that Sherlock, okay, all Iāve done to save you, are throwing away my lives.
Just as same as you, Sherlock.
Why still canāt you see? That means I would rather literally die than loosing you, living stupid life without you. Your life, is more important, than mine, to me.
And, and if, you had understood that before that day, you would have told me what you were going to do. And youād have let me do something I could. But you had not. Because youād never even think about it. Because Iāve never told you about it. About, how much youāve meant to me.ā
āJohn, Iām, well, Iā¦ā
āHave you ever, even for a second, imagined how I would be, if you made me watch you falling and lying on the blood-covered pavement? I mean, have I ever asked you to protect me? By killing yourself? Have I ever made you feel that way? Have I begged you? Huh?ā
āWhat Sherlock? What?ā
āYouād never understand what Iāve been through for-ā
āYouāve been through for what? Donāt you dare say it was for me because Iāve never asked to!ā
āFor fuck sake, everything you talk and care about is only you. How youād feel, how much youād hurt. You think that Iāve done this so easily? How about my feeling John.ā
āAfter all this time youāve been keeping telling me that you donāt know about feelings and now you want me to care about what you feel?ā
āNo, fuck you, Sherlock! After listening everything I talked just a fucking minutes ago, you canāt just get it. With your genius brain.
Iām not caring about me, Sherlock. Iām caring about you by telling you that I wouldnāt want a any kind of life if it didnāt have you! For my fuck sake Sherlock, you should know that. As long as youāre not caring yourself, I could never be ok. You saving my life by killing you means you pushing my back from the cliff and killing me. ā
āWhy does me saving you mean killing you?ā
āWhy doeā, are you serious? because I fucking love you idiot!ā
āI donāt care how you feel about it. I know that youāre nothing like a fucking sociopath but kind, lovable man. But Iām not a stupid. I donāt expect you feel same way. This field doesnāt belongs to you. I mean romance, not a love. Because you can care about people deeply. You had literally thrown yourself for us. You love people, Sherlock.
Iād move out if you want and Iād help you finding a new flat mate and a job partner. I can keep living as long as I know that you exist in this world. Someday if Iām so lucky, I find someone to love and move on. ā
āā¦Um anyway the point is, never do that again for anyone. Especially for me. Okay? Promise me Sherlock. ā¦Sherlock. ā
āUh I, yes, I, I do, I promise. ā
āI want you to say it out loud.ā
āI never do that again for anyone.ā
āNever take risk to save someone. Es-, especially you. ā
āWell thatās a littleā¦but okay I can compromise.
Um, and Iām, really sorry. For beat you up at that day, I didnāt know and observe that youāve done that for me, for us, and even if that was not what I asked for but still I should have appreciated you. So, thank you. And Iām deeply sorry again.ā
āNah, that was, reasonable. And understandable. Itās fine.ā
āCool, then. Uh well, I gotta go. To my place I mean. Text me if you need anything. Good night, Sherlock.ā
John didnāt say āsee yaā or ālaterā.
Sherlock stunned for a while and called him back and they fucked as fuck and live happily ever after.