I feel the need..the need to write.
Wow. ok I started a post and got at least halfway if not two thirds of the was through and I lost it all. I am using a new computer. Well new to me at least. it is an IMAX desktop model. My first Mac ever so yay me? I am still in the process of figuring out how the damn thing woks. Which seems to mean I get to lose a large portion of my rambling to the ether that is stuff not saved.
I don't feel like I need to retype most of what I had. That is not the main reason I wanted to make one of these posts anyway. So I will start where I was wanting to get to anyway.
I am a Lesbian and I have a girlfriend and I have been reevaluating my relationship to my gender thanks to my girlfriend.
Her name is Nonah. She is a trans lesbian and in school getting her PhD in Queer Theory.
We meet on FB dating. Cause why the fuck not? I was nervous as fuck to meet her for the first time. Not cause she told me she was trans that just made me more interested in meeting her if not just to see if we vibed. Mostly it was because of the bad experience I had on my last date. Which was with a dude and I was convinced after was not interested in dating men again. I should have realized that meant I was not BI but that would take some more time yet.
The date was a great success. We meet at Cafe Cottage and talked for hours. Only deciding to end the evening cause there were too many people there and since the world has been in a pandemic it was time to leave. I really wanted to kiss her at the end but didn't know how to do it. She told me later that she knew I wanted to. We did kiss the next time we hung out. At her house..... before we ended up fucking each other.
There are a lot of firsts going on in this relationship too. A big one that I don't thing it was intended to become a relationship at all. I think it was just supposed to be a couple of people hanging out and maybe sleeping together and getting to know each other. But I think It went a bit further fairly quickly. (which is a common lesbian trope) And also I am Nonah’s first girlfriend after coming out as trans. So we are both on the first relationship of this type together. I get to follow her on her journey and she is making me think way to hard and long about this stuff about myself.
She was telling me about getting her “egg cracked” a euphemism that the trans community uses. People are like eggs a shell around you but fragile and at some point something happens and your egg cracks and you realize you are trans. She shared the podcast that cracked her and I was touched she did that. We have had many long and intense conversations since we started going out. I have reallized a few things. First I am not actually bisexual. I may be ascetically attracted to some men but I am not interested in them romantically or sexually at all. When I told her I was a lesbian and not bi she may have been a bit overly enthusiastic about it but I like to think it is because she saw my gayness in me and was just happy for me to figure it out myself.
More recently I have been dealing with thoughts about gender. I never thought I would end up here. I never thought about myself as anything but what I had always known and seen. I am a woman. I went through a few years of really wanting to embrace my feminine side and did it with makeup. A full year of wearing makeup whenever I went out of the house and keeping track of my progression of it on my instagram. Told myself it was a way of keeping myself accountable for it. I then went through a year of focusing more on my eating habits and all that went along with my relationship with food and self worth. I have learned a lot from the experience and am happy in the knowledge that I have the skills to use when I feel like doing it. I have stopped wearing it for quite some time now but did put on a full face for Thanksgiving/Christmas this past year. It was fun and also kinda annoying. I still love the things I learned along the way and will probably still use the skills at different points in the future but don't find the need or urge to wear it all the time now. I feel like the relationship I am in with Nonah has given me a chance to explore more sides of my gender recently. Since I have lost all the weight I have needed to update my wardrobe with new things. And since it has been easier to find clothes I have been able to choose the things I have always wanted to have more of in my clothing choices. It has turned into a lot of button-down shirts and learning how to layer. One nigh Nonah and I had a conversation about underwear choose and I confessed I have always wanted to buy a pair of boxer briefs to try and she urged me to give it a shot and buy a pack to see how it felt. It was definitely the beginning of a change in how I looked at clothes. I still have some normal “women underwear” that I use exclusively for the week I am on my period. It is a lot easier to deal with that in panties and not the boxer briefs but for the rest of the time I have a drawer full of boxer briefs and I lot it. It feels so much more comfortable for me. It is like an extra layer of support when out in the world. I have bought a binder of sorts. But once I took the added padding out of my sports bras -they are a lot easier to deal with with the mass lost in my breast I am now more comfortable. I have realized over the past couple of months that I process a lot of stuff better if I can talk it out with someone. I didn't have to find a way to explain what I was thinking if I didn't have anyone to talk to about stuff. I think I am more non-binary then I am not. I don't have any want to do anything -adding of hormones or surgery- anytime in the future but who knows. It has been a wild year.







