Burst Thought Bubble

Just things from my head.

[ramblingsandthings]

I feel the need..the need to write.

Wow. ok I started a post and got at least halfway if not two thirds of the was through and I lost it all. I am using a new computer. Well new to me at least. it is an IMAX desktop model. My first Mac ever so yay me? I am still in the process of figuring out how the damn thing woks. Which seems to mean I get to lose a large portion of my rambling to the ether that is stuff not saved. 

I don't feel like I need to retype most of what I had. That is not the main reason I wanted to make one of these posts anyway. So I will start where I was wanting to get to anyway. 

I am a Lesbian and I have a girlfriend and I have been reevaluating my relationship to my gender thanks to my girlfriend. 

Her name is Nonah. She is a trans lesbian and in school getting her PhD in Queer Theory.  

We meet on FB dating. Cause why the fuck not? I was nervous as fuck to meet her for the first time. Not cause she told me she was trans that just made me more interested in meeting her if not just to see if we vibed. Mostly it was because of the bad experience I had on my last date. Which was with a dude and I was convinced after was not interested in dating men again. I should have realized that meant I was not BI but that would take some more time yet. 

The date was a great success. We meet at Cafe Cottage and talked for hours. Only deciding to end the evening cause there were too many people there and since the world has been in a pandemic it was time to leave. I really wanted to kiss her at the end but didn't know how to do it. She told me later that she knew I wanted to. We did kiss the next time we hung out. At her house..... before we ended up fucking each other. 

There are a lot of firsts going on in this relationship too. A big one that I don't thing it was intended to become a relationship at all. I think it was just supposed to be a couple of people hanging out and maybe sleeping together and getting to know each other. But I think It went a bit further fairly quickly. (which is a common lesbian trope) And also I am Nonah’s first girlfriend after coming out as trans. So we are both on the first relationship of this type together. I get to follow her on her journey and she is making me think way to hard and long about this stuff about myself. 

She was telling me about getting her “egg cracked” a euphemism that the trans community uses. People are like eggs a shell around you but fragile and at some point something happens and your egg cracks and you realize you are trans. She shared the podcast that cracked her and I was touched she did that. We have had many long and intense conversations since we started going out. I have reallized a few things. First I am not actually bisexual. I may be ascetically attracted to some men but I am not interested in them romantically or sexually at all. When I told her I was a lesbian and not bi she may have been a bit overly enthusiastic about it but I like to think it is because she saw my gayness in me and was just happy for me to figure it out myself. 

More recently I have been dealing with thoughts about gender. I never thought I would end up here. I never thought about myself as anything but what I had always known and seen. I am a woman. I went through a few years of really wanting to embrace my feminine side and did it with makeup. A full year of wearing makeup whenever I went out of the house and keeping track of my progression of it on my instagram. Told myself it was a way of keeping myself accountable for it. I then went through a year of focusing more on my eating habits and all that went along with my relationship with food and self worth. I have learned a lot from the experience and am happy in the knowledge that I have the skills to use when I feel like doing it. I have stopped wearing it for quite some time now but did put on a full face for Thanksgiving/Christmas this past year. It was fun and also kinda annoying. I still love the things I learned along the way and will probably still use the skills at different points in the future but don't find the need or urge to wear it all the time now. I feel like the relationship I am in with Nonah has given me a chance to explore more sides of my gender recently. Since I have lost all the weight I have needed to update my wardrobe with new things. And since it has been easier to find clothes I have been able to choose the things I have always wanted to have more of in my clothing choices. It has turned into a lot of button-down shirts and learning how to layer. One nigh Nonah and I had a conversation about underwear choose and I confessed I have always wanted to buy a pair of boxer briefs to try and she urged me to give it a shot and buy a pack to see how it felt. It was definitely the beginning of a change in how I looked at clothes. I still have some normal “women underwear” that I use exclusively for the week I am on my period. It is a lot easier to deal with that in panties and not the boxer briefs but for the rest of the time I have a drawer full of boxer briefs and I lot it. It feels so much more comfortable for me. It is like an extra layer of support when out in the world. I have bought a binder of sorts. But once I took the added padding out of my sports bras -they are a lot easier to deal with with the mass lost in my breast I am now more comfortable. I have realized over the past couple of months that I process a lot of stuff better if I can talk it out with someone. I didn't have to find a way to explain what I was thinking if I didn't have anyone to talk to about stuff. I think I am more non-binary then I am not. I don't have any want to do anything -adding of hormones or surgery- anytime in the future but who knows. It has been a wild year. 

[ramblingsandthings]

Need to vent so back again

It has almost been a full year since I have been here.

I end up doing this over and over again. I write when I need to work out a few things then I let it all go dormant until I hit a point where I spill somewhere or scream. And in the end I guess that is why I tried to put this blog here. Out in the interwebs and screaming into the void but not in a public or somewhat public or even kinda public place that I can figure.

Anyway, having hit a place I need to vent I am now at my computer and trying to put into somewhat coherent thoughts what is eating at me. I went to work today and spent the first I don't know 15 or so minutes having a “heart to heart” type convo with Angie the boss lady. 

She is great and has been a good boss to work for the last three years I have been there and she has a tendency to pull me aside and ask what is up if work is back sliding or things seem not great. I have had one or two of them before. She pulls up the chair and says “so what going on?”

It is bad enough to have management pull me into the office for much of anything good or bad- always feels like I am in school and being called to the principal’s office. But today I didn't even get to start before I was sat down and talked to/at.....she does this think where she doesn't look at you when you she talks about this kinda stuff and it is a bit weird. 

Anyway I guess I have been presenting a big sign that says “I don't want to be here” when I come in. In my head I am just not jumping for joy at the beginning of the shift. I didn't realize it was coming off so bad? But I have also figured out I am never telling anyone there how I am feeling or doing or what is going on in my head. I told one of the girls that was running shift if I had know that the shift I picked up was going to end up being cleaning or whatever it was I would have not come in. I really didn't mean for it to have been taken the way it was. 

If they call me at home on my day off to come in and work a shift and I am not actually doing anything 9/10 times I say yes and go in. And I am happy to get the hours and work . But shit its not like they tell me what I am going to be doing. 

I have not been doing that great for the past month or so. My depression is hitting me hard and my lack of motivation and lack-luster follow-through is on a high point right now. I have been neglecting my showers and have not been as constant with my skin care as I was before. 

On really bad days I am happiest when I am off work and home alone while dad is at work. Some of those days I have slept late and not wanted to come downstairs. And going out of the house for things besides work is basically out of the question. Jen called and invited me over for crawfish and I showed up almost after it happened. I am pulling in and I can feel it. 

And it seems like work can see it too. I had an incident where I scratched a window on a car cause I was trying to do everything on my own and misjudged if a product could fit in a car. I felt crappy for the rest of the day. It pains me to see I am fucking up so much at work they have to bring me in and talk to me about it.

So Angie is moving me into the backroom again. Till she can figure out what to do with me. There is a part of me that is thinking that I am overdue for a major life crisis. It has been a while since something truly fucked up for me at my job so I’m standing there with my eyes closed and my fingers in my ears waiting for the explosion to off. 

I was given a card to a site that my job offers to help with things that are needed when shit comes up. I am not sure if I can use it for anything or not. But at least I know it is there? -shrug-

On a separate note I joined the fabulous world of Tinder. I am reaching another point that I am craving physical contact. I think it might just be I need to get laid but I am also really curious about being with another women sexually. But I don't have a clue how to go about it. I am still unable to just put females only on the app even. It is a big step for me to even try to find someone to meet up with cause I am more prone to just say “fuck off’ to any guy that messages me. I don't know how to engage on that level anymore. 

But I am learning more as I go. My self-image issues come up when I am talking to someone cause I know what I look like and I cant imaging a normal or attractive guy wanting to fuck me. I can get around it buy not pursuing anyone. I haven't meet up with anyone yet but I’m sure ill be back where when/if I do.

[ramblingsandthings]

April thoughts and updates

I have never been good with keeping up with journaling and writing things down in any fashion. I started this blog to try and see if I could but thoughts down in a coherent manner. it turned into a blog to write rambling and longwinded confessions and thoughts on life around me. So in a way it is going just as planned. I don't think I am very good at putting the thoughts down coherently but I do better when I start a post with a theme in mind. I was not a very good essay writer in high school and didn't go through enough college to be able to fake it now. 

I have done some good things with this blog though. I have worked on my thoughts and feeling about myself and how I identify myself. It is still an ever evolving process and I am nowhere near a finish point at the moment. But I am actually able to have the conversations with myself and have told someone else about it. 

I turned 32 a week ago. So that is a thing that happened. It seems like I am destined to spend my birthday with Jen. We ended up going to The Barrel in Broussard a cute whiskey bar not very far from Jen’s house. It took some time getting there and had a few other places we tried either closed or a little to fancy for our blood. But The Barrel turned out to be perfect.

I found out that I like to drink Old Fashions. That was a nice and helpful surprise. I have a drink I can order at a bar and feel like an adult. I hate going places and not knowing what to get so I end up with the safety stand-by of beer or vodka cranberry. I have also found out that I am a fan of Chardonnay.

Dad brought home a bottle of Rombauer and I have something I can have a glass of at night with dinner. I feel very adult-ish with this new information.

Anyway back to my birthday. It was great there and we ended up outside smoking and drinking and talking about all the untoward and sordid things you cannot talk to anyone else about not even family if you are not at least a few sheets to the wind. It was nice though cause I have not been properly drunk in quite some time. I have this anxiety of being to forward or saying something wrong when drunk and I end up driving myself wherever it is I am going and have an intense fear of being pulled over and arrested so I don't get drunk when somewhere cause I have to drive home.

At some point I want to be able to use something like UBER to go out and have fun but I don't go out to bars alone so I don't go out much in that since. Granted I am in my 30′ s now and kinda think the party scene is a bit tacky. But I would love to have a bar I could go to and have a few drinks and hang out. That seems like a thing a grown woman should have. 

But Jen and I had a good time and actually closed out the bar. The bartender was Fantastic. I don't think I can sing his praises enough. His name was Lenard with was wonderful all on its own but he was so sweet to us and helped me find some drinks and made me the most fantastic Old Fashion. And we repaid him by talking his ear off for what felt like had to be ten minutes before we left. It was the first time I had told a random stranger that I wasn't straight. It was not that difficult cause he was a gay guy but it felt like a step none-the-less. 

He was sweet about it and talked to us about the lack of queer spaces in Lafayette. Which made me feel better that I was thinking the same thing. Jen talked about how she was sure I was not straight for a while and that she was happy when I told her. And that is always something I think I will want to hear.

There is a bigger part of me now that wants to go and tell more people. I am actually thinking about how to post about it on my social media sites. I am not ready yet and have no idea how I am going to do it but it is something I am thinking about and that is a big step for me. 

Taking a bit of a turn I am feeling happy about my social media stuff recently. I am keeping up with my postings on a regular basis and I am feeling really good about my makeup progression. I want to do more pictures outside or somewhere not in my room. Jen has told me that she has had a couple conversations about me and the changes I am working on. Angie was asking about the somewhat daily updates to Instagram and Jen told her it was a way to keep myself accountable. That was the exact reason I started the second Instagram. I wanted to upload a pic every day so I would have a log and progression. I don't do it everyday but I do it a lot.

I have had to deal with a few weird people cause of it. I seem to have a lot of foreign and older men following that channel. Some have messaged me and I tried it for a few months but I cant deal with it. One of them wanted to facetime with me like a day or so after I said hello for the first time. I was not interested in it and said so and he got weird about it. I just stopped allowing anyone to message me on that one. I am not looking for that and don't want to deal with it. 

Ok that took a bit of a turn and I don't want to end it on a down note so... well today I am having a good hair day. My hair feels thick and soft. I have a repairative leave in conditioner that I have been using on a simi-regular basis and I think it is totally working. I went to Sally’s and bought a color treatment shampoo and conditioner. I like it and think it is keeping my hair nice.

[ramblingsandthings]

The March of time.

So it is officially March. I guess this is like a check in of sorts. I think things are going fairly well. I have gotten a few things into routine placement. It is funny to me when people talk about depression and how it manifests in the world. One of the many things depression is associated with is the inability to keep up with hygiene and daily routines. A lot of the time the only thing you see is the person that cannot get out of bed and is sad all of the time. Or maybe someone that doesn't eat. But as with everything else each person is different. I am able to get out of bed but I have not been good about the daily hygiene and routines. I am also an emotional eater. The only problem is that I eat for all emotions. I eat when I am bored for the most part. 

But that is a digression from what I wanted to talk about. It is now the beginning of the third month of the year. Where am I on the resolutions I wanted to follow. I have given up on the exercise. I usually do this every year. But the ability to pick it up and give it a go is always there. I am three months into keeping up with the daily hygiene. I am really happy about this. It ties in closely to the skin care regiment that I am also doing very well with. I have a routine and with only a few missed days I have been doing great. 

I have really been surprised how much I have enjoyed the makeup and skin care routine. I know I like routines the problem has always been keep up with the new thing. I got to a really low point a few years ago. I was alone and had completely isolated myself from family and didn't have any friends to speak of. I still kind of don't but I have people I interact with at work that I think are friends. Anyway I was not in a good place and because of a lot of stuff I had completely neglected myself. It was not good. I rationalized and made excuses about everything being ok and not that bad and I was immune to any smell or the idea that I didn't look presentable. 

 I am really ashamed to say that I didn't start thinking about doing anything about it and trying to make myself presentable until after Janet died. I think she would have been happy for me if she could see what I am doing. 

So I am learning how to do my makeup. It is amazing and I am only doing almost the bare minimum. Ok it is more then I have done in the past. I have foundation, concealer, blush, eyeshadow, lipstick, powder, and an eyebrow pencil. I am learning how to use a beauty blender type product. I have some eyeshadow brushes. I am able to put a full face of makeup on and I think it is going well. I feel like I am getting more confident and getting better at it in general. 

I am finding that this makeup thing is like the tattoo thing. I got one thing and now I need more. I want to learn how to do contour and highlight and I really want to figure out how to do eyeliner. So I am watching makeup tutorials. I am fascinated by the people on these videos and the things they can do to themselves. I look up the ratings on different products and I am reading articles that give tips and suggestions on what to do when and how.

I am also really enjoying the skin care routine. It is still a bit weird to me that the last thing I do at night is wash my face and the next thing I do in the morning is wash my face again. I am trying to find a facial cleanser I like the feel and results of. I also have a toner and a moisturizer. The most recent thing I have added to the skin care is an eye cream for night. I have a sunscreen for the day but I want to go and find a better one for my face. I again have been reading articles and advice columns about what kind of product to use on my face. I think I need to go somewhere that I can figure out what type of skin tone I have. It is something I haven't been able to figure out on my own.

I think the initial response to the extra effort I am putting into myself has overall been positive. It was weird the first couple of days having everyone at work comment on it and some people being “ oh,” surprised “are you actually wearing makeup?” I am not very fond of it and it can be annoying when one of the managers comments about “all that makeup” I'm wearing. But it quieted down fairly quickly. One of the people I work with. The 20-ish gay guy is very interested in my lashes. Like very very interested. He was at my table and just stared at them for at least a few minutes. A few too many minutes. It was creepy and annoying and there are moment I want to slap that child and tell him to go away.

And last but not least is the dietary changes I was wanting to do. And I can happily say that I have cut down dramatically on that front. I still eat out and probably more then I should but I am not eating everyday and anytime I can. One of the biggest helpers in that area has been a handful of weeks with very small paychecks. I had to lay off so I would have enough money for rent and bills. So that is always an easy way to change. I have settled on a plan that I only eat fast food on the weekends. Or at least that is what I am striving for. Some days are harder then others. Sometimes I really do have a hard time passing all the food places up and going home. I mean I still eat stuff at home but it is a win for me when I go home to eat instead of buying food and then eating aging at home most times. I sounds so stupid and childish but it like if I can make it past the two big turns I take to go home then I am good for the ride.

What I have done is turn in and instead of buying food I am buying skin care and beauty products. So that is something that I might be able to use. Not the best idea and not much of a change but it is one less meal of fast food. So that has to be a good thing right?

[ramblingsandthings]

Habits and other things

You know the act of trying to start new habits or even trying to break old habits is a struggle from the beginning. It is Feb. and like most people the new years resolutions I told myself I would follow are dead and gone. One of the things I wanted to do was not have any fast food for the month of Jan. I eat out and eat badly on a very regular basis. The self deprecating joke is that it is not easy to stay in the shape I am in. The shape being round. So I was going to not eat out for Jan. and see how it goes from there. Cause I have had the resting new years resolution to lose weight since I can remember actually thinking about new years resolutions. 

So Jan starts and I make it I think almost two weeks. Now for me with my procrastination proclivities that is fairly good for me. So I changed my thinking about it and have changed it to only eating fast food on the weekend. I have stuck to that one mostly since then. I have completely not done the joining a gym and getting more exercise one

One of the ones I have actually keep up with better then any other is the make up and hygiene one. I had gotten to a very low point emotional and mentally over the last few years. One of the ways it manifests is not taking care of my self. I don't eat right, I don't exercise, and I don't keep up with myself.

So I said I would work on all of the self care and try to figure out how the make up stuff worked. Jen and I bought each other makeup for Christmas and she was able to help me get a starting kit for the make up and then I went out and bought the stuff needed to start the face routine. I tried once when I was still in high school I think it was. It lasted a few weeks as most of the things I try tend to go.

I am now two months in and I am liking the way I feel I have a routine I can do in the morning and at night before I go to bed. I will actually use the product till it is empty. It makes me happy and I guess a little proud to think I can do something like this that shows the outside world a picture it is expecting. At least in some ways.

The thing that still annoys me so much about it all is I still have off days. Days where I don't want to wash my face or brush my teeth at the end of the day. I have some days where I don't shower every day. I might go a few in between. Days that I work are good cause I have a reason that I need to do these things. I am also keeping my clothes clean. the washing machine and dryer in the house is a huge help. I am able to do everything at home and not have to venter out to do it.

I frustrates me how I still have to tell myself that I need to do these things twice a day. That it is a good thing and I will feel better after or whatever. I thought that it would become a built in routine, you know, one of those things that you do and don't have to think about. I am having enough trouble keeping myself from buying food I don't need to buy or eat.

But I am trying. I am going one day at a time and doing what I can. And on the bad days sometimes I just eat what I shouldn't and wait until the next day to do the thing and know that I will be ok and I will get through it.

I see those post on here that say “ yay you did the thing and its ok if you didn't and all those things for people that are struggling. I never thought much about them. I mean I get out of bed and I eat and stuff like that but some days I  think I do need them and some days it is a struggle. One day at a time. One hour at a time. I am going on and through. 

[ramblingsandthings]

Christmas time is come and gone

So another Christmas has come and gone. Just waiting for the end of the year. It amuses me to think about the holidays as an adult. As a kid it is time off of school and new toys and lots of food. It is a time that you have to see all the relatives and you stuff you face with good food and sweets. So you know without too many hang-ups or problematic relatives as kids the holidays are fun, festive, and full of food. 

As an adult everything changes. It is to be expected and is not something I come into blindly. But I am in one of those in between places when it comes to the relatives during the holidays. I am 31 and childless. I am not married and I don’t live in a place that can host many people. So I am always the one that travels to the holiday meals. I am always one of the ones that brings a side dish or dessert. I also work at a minimum wage job for not enough money. So working with the fact that I don't have to provide a Christmas for any small kids I am don't really have much money to buy gifts for others.

This year was no different. We had a small dinner for Christmas. Not at the lake house like we did for Thanksgiving. Which I am kind of happy about. Thanksgiving and Christmas are too close together. It is never a good thing having to deal with all of the relatives and extended family for two months in a row. I think it would be better for most people if there was more time in between the two. 

So I was able to get a little bit of money and buy a few things for the kids this year. I was even able to buy small gifts for the cousins. It makes me happy to be able to do that. I was happy to see them open the gifts after the meal. I think I did good in my choices too. So yea me. But because I am in the position I am in. An only child, my mom died two years ago, and no kids of my own. I don't actually have Christmas. I buy small things for the young kids if I am able, but I don't get anything. This is not the first year like that. I think it is been closer to five or so years. I am here for the meals and the day but when it comes to family giving gifts I am lucky if I get one maybe two things from other people.

I am not complaining. I am not whining that I don't get anything and what not. I don't expect anything. More often then not I cannot afford to get anyone else anything. I just find it an interesting place that I find myself in. I know it is just how things are drawn at the moment. It can change if I start a relationship with someone or beyond most thought but maybe not all conceivable possibilities start a family then it would be different. But right now I am the one that watches everyone else open up gifts. 

This year I told Jenn I would take her to Ulta and buy here some stuff. I wanted her to also help me find some things too. I don’t use make-up and I am not very confident on the way it works but I wanted to try and find something that would work for me. So I am going to take her shopping and get her to give me some suggestions. But that is not really the same

I just wanted to get the thoughts out so I don't keep thinking them and they don't start running around my head and make me feel shitty. I just really don't like the holidays these days. I am all for being with family and being around people that you love but for me most part the last handful of years the holidays in general suck.

So here’s to the new year. May it bring good things and positive thinking. And may the shit storm that is the government figure itself out. 

[ramblingsandthings]

And so it Begins

I did it. I did it. I did it. I did it..... sorry small children and Dora flashbacks. Although I did do the thing I was wanting to do and not sure how to do. And all I needed to do it was a lesbian around my age and lot and lots of alcohol. 

So backstory of the event. Thanksgiving has come and gone for another year. It is always a weird time for me cause I am used to the historic have to have the meal with my dad and Janet, Grammy and Pops and the rest of the family. Now due to the forever continuation of time we have Thanksgiving at the camp on Lake Martin. It is a great place for the room and available space to host a large amount of people. It is with Deborah and Jean and that group. So most of them I am not really, really familiar with all of them. 

My dad said he was going to come to the dinner. I am always happy to have my dad get out of the house and socialize. I think he is almost worse then me when it comes to not wanting to be social. I love him and I am always happy to have everyone out and together. The only problem was I was in the middle of trying to figure out how to broach the subject of my bisexuality somehow maybe at Thanksgiving. I guess my thought was that there would be lesbians in the vicinity and it might have helped or something, So now I am going to the lake house and thinking my dad was going to be there and I was not going to be able to do what  I wanted to do. 

I had been spending a bit more time at Jen’s house over the past week or so before Thanksgiving and it was a situation that helped me understand why so many people talk of the fear and hesitation to tell people. I couldn't figure out how to broach the subject and I would go home kicking myself that I didn't say anything. I could have said this and done this.

In the end my dad didn't come to thanksgiving. I was kinda sad. He had to stay home and finish paperwork for the job he just finished. But even when he told me he was not able to come and eat I was still not able to say anything. I have never been very good and just coming out and saying things anyway add on something I as still a little confused about and my anxiety about not being taking serious or just following a trend and what not I kept my mouth shut.

So plans were made for a few of us to go out Friday night. Bradley and Nancy- some of Deborah‘s friends, Stephanie and her bestie Alexis, Jen, Brad and me. Sarah and Phil were supposed to go but were unable to make it. 

It was a big day for me even before the big stuff. I went over to Jen’s after work and we got to really hang out-sans kids. Jen was having a great holiday in general because it was one of the few times she has had more then a day or so off of work and no kids. So we ran a few errands. Then we went home and worked on my hair some more. I think I might actually get to the white blonde area for my hair. I am really excited and a little nervous at the same time. Then Jen helped me do my make-up and hair. She is so awesome about that kind off stuff. Cause I am useless. 

Anyway long story to get to the part I was working up to. We went out and partied. I have not gotten good and drunk in a very long time. I am never good about that kind of thing cause I am usually on my own and going to and from places myself. I used an UBER for the first time in my life. It was cool and weird at the same time. But it leaves you open to do whatever it is you want. and we did. Side note- I have a new drink to order when I am out partying Jamieson and Ginger Ale. So thank you Stephanie for the ability to drink something like a normal person. 

So a few hours into the night I end up outside smoking and talking to Alexis. We end up having this in depth conversation about stuff and her past relationships come up and I just kinda ask how you come out to people and what it is you are supposed to do. So she told me her coming out story and I told her and Stephanie I was bi and how I was having trouble finding a way to tell Jen about it and that I don't think I will ever tell my dad. I am ok with the thought. The only time it would come up as a thing is if I ever have a relationship I wanted to bring home to see him. I am just not at that point at the moment. So I will just roll with the situation I am in now.

Anyway cut to the next bar The Greenroom and I'm on my third or fourth Jamie and Ginger and feeling the effects quite nicely. Another side note- was introduced to a new shot called a Red-headed Slut. Thanks for that Bradley!1 or a Lindsey Lohan- a red-headed slut with Coke. So I end up outside the bar talking with Jen. She was telling me her thoughts about her relationship and how she feels like she attracts a certain type of person. I am listening and talking with her and tell her I have wanted to tell her something and did know how. And I tell her I'm bi. And in perfect fashion for me and the way things are going for me she said she had suspected it for awhile. I am having a situation trying to figure out how to put it into the conversation and when I get the courage to say it....it is no big deal and already being thought about you anyway. 

So.....things I have learned at the beginning of the Holiday season. I am transparent and my family is loves me for me. I am not sure if the fact is going to travel around at all. I have no clue. But I did something I had been psyching myself out about for a few months now. Now to put it on a more public platform. Resolution ideas for the new year- making it official and putting it on Facebook. Doing something for myself and get into an exercise routine. Go on a date with a woman. Or just something like that in that department. I have been single for to long.

[ramblingsandthings]

It’s Tuesday....lets do some blogging.

Ok so it’s Tuesday. So why not do some rambling thoughts on paper. Or the internet equivalent anyway. It is Tuesday which has become a normal day off of work for me. I am cool with it. The main coffee shop I go to these day has a sale on their frozen drinks. But other then that it is just a normal day off in the middle of the week. I am cool with it. I usually putter around the house and just hang out sometimes I will venture out but I have been trying to not spend as much money as usual and a good way to crack down on that, for me, is to stay home and not spend money. It works well for the most part. I have bad days when I spend money on the computer or on iTunes. 

Anyway I have been indulging in my new obsession. Podcasts. I know I am late as hell to the game and it is not a new or fancy phenomenon any more but this is the first time I have followed and kept up with any podcast in any sort of way. I am trying to find different and interesting podcasts that I am intrigued by. I am not just following the normal and usual trends. When I first started to try out podcasts I went down the npr rabbit hole and most of the ones I listened to came from that area. But I lost interest and stopped updating and listening to them at all. I would listen to the music I had on my phone and watched YouTube for the most part.

The thing is I am a reader. It was the only thing I had for a long time. Before I was in a place with stable internet and a phone with storage space. I have always loved books. My main genres are Sci-fi, Fantasy, Horror, and Mystery for the most part. I like my books and I am happy on my own with just my books. I was that person that always had a book with me. I would keep it in my purse. I found the beauty and wonderment of second hand shops when I lived in Austin,, Tx. They have a second hand shop for music and books called Half-Priced Books. I spent way to much money in there when I was living there.

I was a purest for a long time too. I wanted to turn the pages, and hold the book. I was not very sure how I felt about e-readers. Now I almost exclusively read on my phone or on the IPad if I have it charged. I can keep all sorts of books on my kindle account and I have the bookbub emails that I have had to abstain from looking at as often to keep from buying from almost every day.

The only thing is I am now not even reading as much as I usually do. I have a goodreads account and have one of those book goal set for the year. I was really happy about that. I thought that it would be the easiest thing to do and show myself proof of doing something. But I have not even made it halfway to the goal I put down in January. I completely lost my interest and drive for it. 

The reason is podcasts. Over the course of the summer and the process of coming out to myself. I have started to listen to podcasts. It started mostly cause I was looking for information and some sort of place to learn about the lgbt community. As I have said in previous posts I have family in the community and have had friends in the life. But I am not very familiar with any of it really from a personal perspective. I wanted to figure out how to get into it and podcast have turned into a way to do that. I am happy to have found the lgbt related podcasts that I have and I am always looking for more. So I have things to listen to on a weekly basis that talk about and deal with the community. I am learning history and new items of interest about people and the things in the news. I have actually had to unsubscribe to some podcasts cause they are not updating and I get annoyed and need to find new things to listen to. So I am probably going to be giving any and every podcast with an lgbt theme a shot at least once or twice.

One thing I have found that is really cool is the podcasts that have people reading stories. I have found a few genre podcasts fantasy, sci-fi, and horror. It is almost like reading. I have never been one that is that much into audiobooks. I feel like I watch too much tv and such to listen to a book on tape. But if the story podcasts keep going good. I might just have to give them another shot too. That leads me to the couple of audio drama podcasts. There is one I found called “Steal the Stars” that is a sci-fi audio drama. It has a full cast of voice artists and comes out once a week with like 30 ish minute episodes. I am hooked and anticipating every episode. I have also started to listen to “Night Vale” again. I am going to give it another shot. 

So I am turning from physically reading books to listening to my media more. I have no idea if that is better or worse. I just find it interesting to find things I am interested in listening to people talk about. And sometimes I even learn a thing our two. 

[ramblingsandthings]

Thoughts, Opinions, and Podcasts

So I started this side blog for a few reasons. I wanted to try my hand at writing out my thoughts and feelings in a space that was my own and to try to work my way through my identity and orientation without feeling nervous and worried about my family and friends finding things out before I am ready. It has been a good experience so far. I am horrible at putting my thoughts and feelings down in a manner that doesn't seem to be just rambling and stream of consciousness.

Today I felt the urge to write a few things down to try and articulate my ideas because of a podcast I just finished listening to. I have talked here about trying to find podcasts to listen to and specifically trying to find queer podcasts to add to my list. One of the first queer podcasts I found was TAGG Nation. It is a group of three lesbians doing a podcast with the tie in of a magazine called TAGG. I like the girls on the show. They have many different discussions and sprinkle in bits about current events and stuff from their own lives.

Today was the first show I have had a negative reaction to. I was just about outright angry when the segment was over. They were talking about the Twitter rant done by Mykki Blanco. They talked about how they thought bi erasure is not real and that the media in people in it use being bi as a way to bring attention to themselves and stuff like that. 

The girls then proceeded to agree with them and talk about how they don't even think that when people come out as bi they are being true and that because they extended the stereotype and came out as bi before they came out as lesbians that it is a thing that happens a lot. They believe there are bi people and they do exist but they need to speak up for the lgbtq community more and do more. 

I was extremely annoyed and almost kind of hurt to hear this. One of the first episodes from them I heard was about bi-erasure and those types of topics with a woman who was bi. I really liked the episode and that was one of the reasons I subscribed to them and listen to them now. 

I just came out to my self that I am bi. I have told all of one person I know that I am bi. I spent a lot of my youth thinking the exact same things that are used to belittle and erase those in the community. It’s just a phase, it actually means “bi the way I’m gay” cause it is just the stepping stone to lesbian or gay. I was very confident in my thoughts on the subject. Just as confident that I couldn’t be gay cause it means I would have to be in a relationship with a woman and if you were bi you were just being greedy. 

I have been thinking about the idea that I might have been so bi-phobic and bi-erasure in the past because I didn’t want to look too closely at myself with that light. It fits in with the thought I have heard that a lot of the most homophobic people tend to be in the back and dark of the their own closets. I never really understood how that could work. But over the years and the close self-inspection I have been doing on myself recently I am beginning to understand the logic. I didn’t understand nor did I want to believe that I could be bi so when the subject was stumbled upon I denied and wrote it off as a viable option. 

The problem I am having now is that I become angry when other people use the same logic I used to have to say the things I now know are not true. One of the things Mykki said in their tweets was that these things they were writing were of their own life experiences. The girls on TAGG all around agreed that this was their “life experiences” and that seemed  to make it ok. I am just angry at them cause I am taking the first small steps to “being my true self,” to quote a popular phrase for the moment. I am just now trying to figure out what it means to be queer in my 30′s and how I am going to present myself to the world and to myself. The last thing I want is to hear from sides I thought would be safe that I am not legitimate. Cause that is how I felt at the end of the conversation.  

[ramblingsandthings]

Outings and Drunk People

So my cousin Jen celebrated her 30th birthday on Sat. I am so happy for her and I am love how she and her family grow and interact. She is the sister I sometimes wish I had had growing up. I am an only child and I have grown to love and embrace the quiet of being alone and entertaining myself. But over the course of my life I have lived with Jen for a good number of years. So I wanted to be with her when she celebrated this milestone.

She had her party in BR at a show Brad and his buddies were doing. I am not usually someone that goes out much in general, but the fact that it was in BR was another big thing to add to it. I was also going to a show on a Sat. night when I had to open at work the next day. It was a thing for me. Something that put me out of my comfort zone. 

I am happy to say that I went. I carpooled with a friend of ours Codi. She is cool, and is someone I don't spend any time with away from Jen. So we went together with the arrangement that if she got too drunk I could drive home cause I am not good with getting smashed and then getting up and going into work. I am one of those that doesn't really function well around people in a work environment without at minimum 5 to 6 hours of sleep. 

The party was at a dive bar called Hound Dogs. I am a big fan of dive bars. I am not good at all with the crowds that show up at clubs and other places like that. Usually if I am going out to a bar my intention is to drink. I don't want to have to deal with the mental and emotional things I have going on in my head while I am in public around to many people and loud noises. Probably one of many reasons I have not been to more concerts or festivals. I have come to the conclusion as I have gotten older that I don't like large crowds. I don't like having so many people in a confined space that I have to physically navigate through. I am fat. I take up more room then most people. I am also not very good at being assertive with people. So all that added to large groups of people and not enough space to move around in without having to move people out of the way. I have had a couple of experiences that would probably be described as panic attacks or something close to one.

But I wanted to see Brad play and be with my cousin for her party. And the bar turned out to be the perfect type of place. The music was cool and I think I might have lucked out on that end. The show they were doing was centered around 80′s, 90′s, and mash-ups with recent types. Which means it was not anything to far out of reach. I am happy about that and I was excited to be in a space to hear new styles I was not familiar with. 

Now knowing I was going to drive and had work in the morning I didn't drink much of anything. I was able to listen to the music and enjoy it with my friends and I even had a few really good conversations with a few of the women there that knew Brad and Jen. I have a good track record of being able to have at least one good conversation with someone when I am out at something like this. I talked books, Dr. Who, and comics/tv. It was cool and I did have fun.

I have not gone out for an evening like this in a very long time. Which meant I was happy in my corner watching everyone else and not being extrovert and outgoing with people. I feel bad cause I was asked more then once if I was good or having fun and cause it was a bar people kept offering me drinks. I did have fun and I was fine and I didn't want to get to a place where I was to drunk to drive home. I was not able to just say fuck it and skip work. I am kinda sad about that but that is another entry all together.

I was amused at one incident that happened that night. I as hanging out and talking with Codi while Jen was getting settled and getting drinks and waiting for Brad to start his set. Codi was talking about how she had to tell here boyfriend that if any guys hit on her at the bar she would just use me as a “girlfriend decoy” of sorts. She would slide in close and make it look like we were an item to get the guy in question to back off. Of course I laugh and agree to help her if needed. It amused me to think about the fact that she would think to use me as the decoy not knowing that I was coming to terms with my own identity. I didn’t say any of that to her but did say that I had the haircut for it so we might as well. 

The only problem popped up when it was time to go. I would have left the party around midnight or maybe even before that if I had had my car with me. But I am horrible at putting my foot down and forcing people to do the things I need them to do which meant It was 1 o’clock in the morning and I was more then ready to go but I couldn’t get Codi to leave. She was hammered as I knew she would be cause I was there to drive her home. I don’t get out much which usually means getting on the highway and going somewhere is a bit of a big deal for me. With the help of both Brad and Jen we were able to get out of the bar and on the way home around 1:30 am. 

I get onto the highway and I am feeling ok driving in an unfamiliar car when Codi opens her door and leans halfway out of it. I am about to have a fucking coronary while going almost 70 down I-10. I am not happy about this. I don't want to have to deal with her doing things like this and drive down a highway that I knew for a fact was going to have construction in few places. She was puking out her car. I should have stopped and let her deal with it but she said it was good and to keep going. She was nice enough to not open the door while on the highway again. She did lean halfway out the window and puke a few more times. I believe some of it blew back into the car and hit me In the face. I am not happy about that but I dealt with it and after dropping her off at here house and getting my car I was able to get home and crawl into bed around 3:30. A said and done I was able to sleep for 5 hours and get to work on time so it ended up good. 

I have heard and read about people’s coming out stories and they talk about just the act of having to come out to friends and family and it was always a big step. It was always something I couldn't get around. I didn't always get the difficulty and how much courage it took to tell people something like that. I am know first hand sitting in the exact same place. I think about it periodically and wonder about how and when I would tell my people. And then I am sitting in front of my cousin, one of the people I love more then myself sometimes, and I can't say anything. I can't figure out how to begin to say what I want to say. I feel like I need to write a speech of some sort. Something physical and thought out that I can have in my hand. Then I feel like that is the stupidest thing ever. I should be able to just say that I am Bi to my cousin. 

I have been listening to a handful of podcast with queer themes. So in the spirit of the finding new and interesting material to consume I have been liking and following pages on FB. I am happy to have the articles and other information on my FB feed. I also am having this annoying thought about if my FB friends can see me liking and following all these new things and are making assumptions. I follow a lot more queer and lesbian pages on my tumblr but I don't feel as visible on this platform. I don't have any of this stuff on my other feed and I don't put much more then reposts on that feed. I feel stupid that I am immersed enough in the social media culture that I am affected by what others might think if I change my about section on preference for FB. That is really one of the main reasons I started this side blog here. I wanted somewhere that I could yell everything I wanted to say into the void of the internet and not feel self-conscious about the people that read it. I don’t even know if anyone has read any of it and I can say I really and truly don’t care. I have never been that good at keeping a journal but I am happy with the way this blog has been going so far. 

[ramblingsandthings]

The good feeling you get after you get a haircut and a stranger says they like the look and that it is “edgy”. 

[ramblingsandthings]

Mid-Month Ramble

So the last post I did was at the beginning of the month. I am now at the middle of the month and wanted to try to put something down here. Since I came out in the last post as bi I have actually come out to someone I know. It was actually Beth the girl that got me to really sit down and think about myself in the first place. We were messaging and were pretty into the conversation and I had told her how I was looking for stuff online. She, following the normal pattern of having a two person conversation, asked what I was looking for and I decided that it was now or never to say it to an actual person. She was really happy for me and happy that I was able to tell her. We spent most of the rest of the talk talking about girls we found hot and superficial things like that. It was great and I was happy I could say it to someone even if they are across the country and over the internet. But it was a very big first step for me. I am pretty sure it will be a very long time before I feel up to trying to breach the conversation with my dad. I think that I will be able to not have to deal with it until or if I get a girlfriend. So in a way I know I am putting it off and not thinking about it but I am ok with that thought at the moment. 

So I have talked to someone I know about it and I am trying to find different podcasts to listen to when I have time. Something else I have done as a first is get a book in the lgbtq department. I read most of my books at the moment digitally. So I went to Amazon, where I get most of my books at this point, and looked through the lgbtq section. I found one to start with that was not just an out and out romance. Or at least that it wasn't set in the Victorian era or something like that. Although I will say the cover of the book was suggestive but it has an actual plot of sorts. I read about 100 pages last night. I am kinda enjoying it so far. I usually read sci-fi and fantasy so I have to reorient to urban fiction. I will have to wait till I am further into it or at the end to give it an actual review. I am never good at finding new things to read so it always takes a while to find things and I am one of those people that if the book doesn’t keep my interest I am happy to stop reading. I have been having trouble recently finding books to read and finish. Some of that is also cause I watch a lot of tv and don't leave myself a lot of time to read anymore. I like reading and I have always been happy to spend time reading. I am hoping if I can find a new genre to read then maybe I can spend some time feeling out the stuff available to read. One thing I will say is that I am not really interested in reading straight romance fiction. I am only interested in finding lesbian or some sort of bi interested romance fiction. I am not sure if the bi side of it will be available much. The first time I was looking around it seems that most with both male and female tend to be mmf for if they are mff they are centered around the man. But I have signed up for a lesbian fiction email list so I will have to give it some time to see how that works. 

[ramblingsandthings]

Time to think.

I started to put stuff here cause I wanted to work a few things out on my own and see if I could put down thoughts in some sort of coherent way. I have done a somewhat ok job at putting thoughts down. My stream of consciousness is a bit rambling and doesn't always make much sense. Though I think that is how it usually goes when you don’t have a plan or much of a destination in sight.

I wanted to say something last post that I had been thinking about and thought I had reached a point I could put it down here but I was wrong. I just rambled and didn’t say anything. In a way I don’t think I was ready to say it cause I didn’t even really know I was going to try and say it. 

It is funny I have always thought I was a good ally and friend of any and all types of people. I have an aunt that is a lesbian and have some people I know that are gay. I thought that saying I was bi-sexual on blog that no one follows in the middle of the depths of Tumblr would be easier than it has proven to be. I have spent the time between the last post and now trying to find podcasts and places online to explore. I am trying to find if anything in my local community would be a place to start. Besides the local gay bar. I am not that good at it and am still trying to sift through stuff. I just don't have any really close people I feel like I can try to talk to about this. 

I know I have family but I don’t think I am ready to tell her and then have everyone I am related to know about it yet. It makes me laugh cause my grandmother kinda sorta called it. She was talking to my cousin and asked her if I was a lesbian cause I didn't seem to be dating anyone or seem like I was trying in that department. My cousin of course told her no. But I guess she almost got it. It of course is more complicated then that as it always is. But I think I have known for a while that I was not simply straight.

I have a friend that lives in Wyoming now that I have become better friends with now that she has moved then I ever was when I was close enough to visit. That is a perfect example of how I am with people. I work in retail and I have been told I am good with the public when at work but I am horrible at keeping up with friends and the ability to actually make friends has never been easy. I think when I am ready to try and tell someone I am going to start with her if just because we talk over the internet and she is so far away and not family. I know and am around so few people after I say it to Beth the next person I would want to tell is my cousin.

In a way I think Beth is the one that got me on the path to look at myself closely and really try and answer some lingering questions I have had at the back of my mind. I meet up with her at the party she was having to celebrate her moving to Wyoming. We were talking while waiting for everyone to get there and we got on the topic of sexuality and she said that she had always identified as queer.

I went through a time a while back where I had some money and was able to join some websites and meet up with some people. I meet up with a few guys but the one that stuck with me the most was the couple I meet up with. I have not had that many experiences anyway but joining in with a couple was really a big thing for me. I had fun and was excited to be able to have that experience in my list. But I think it was the first time I was able to experiment with another woman. Well experiment and be sober enough to participate in the act. 

I have been looking and listening to all these different podcast and because of the content there is a lot of different information about coming out and acceptance of self. It is a hard process and takes a lot of nerve to show your true self to the world and friends and family. I think this post is just the first step along a road that I hope and believe can be fulfilling and in the end truthful. Truthful to myself and those around me.

So this is me yelling into the void of the internet I AM BI-SEXUAL.

[ramblingsandthings]

Books, movies, and other things

I like to read. I have always had a book of some sort with me wherever i go for a very long time. I like my books like I like my movies. A lot of action and lasers and explosions. I tend to more action and violent movies and more horror and science fiction for books. 

A bit of a veer off point, I have been watching a lot of scary movies recently. I am coming around to the thought that I really like them.I had a tendency to avoid the genre when watching movies cause I am usually by myself when watching them.I prefer to watch the movie when I am not alone. The same cannot be said about the book genre. I really enjoy horror books. They are the style I reach for if I cannot find a good sci-fi or fantasy. I am a Constant Reader of Stephen King. 

Anyway back to where I was going. I like reading. I like finding I am also a reader of fan fiction.I like my shows and I dip my toes into a few fandoms at different times. I am happy to read a fan fiction story and enjoy the other things produced by the fans of different things but I have never been one of the people with a gift. I am not a writer (obviously) nor can I draw with any ounce of ability. I say that I cannot write or draw but I can be the person that reads and appreciates the art. I can always be one of the ones that appreciates the efforts of others. I believe you need both sides.

I have found that a friend of mine does some blogging of her own. She is putting down her story and her experiences. I have been able to read her blog and I really enjoy following her on her adventures. She is really good at putting a sentence together. I think it is cool that I can read something that was put online and written by someone I know. I will keep reading her work and finding things to entertain myself.

[ramblingsandthings]

Retail rants and other things

I work retail in a double store that is shared with another shop. The two stores have the same parent company and have been put into the same building. The shopping center has only been around for a year, year in a half. I got the job at a job fair and was part of the crew that set up the store. So I have gone through every season with the store now. I had a job before this that I was with for almost 5 years.

I truly think it takes a special type of person to work retail. The job has a tendency to slowly steal bits of your soul. I have not had the pleasure of working as a waiter. The closest I have gotten is working in a few different coffee shops. So I have worked a version of food service. But I find that the people and staff in retail are a different breed entirely.

I work well with the public. I was always taught to go to work and have a good attitude regardless of your emotional state at the time. I like to engage with people and I have a tendency to talk to people. At my old job my boss would tell me not to “marry the customer.” The interaction should be short and to the point.

I learned a lot about working in a retail environment from him. The best manager I have had to date. He was fun and engaging with the staff able to interact with us on a personal level and still act like a boss when the situation called for it. I was sad when he left the store but was very happy he and his wife were able to achieve the goals they set out for themselves. I worked for his wife at a job before I worked for him and she was awesome to work for too. They are really cool people and I hope to be able to find people like that to be friends with in the future.

The job I have now is another learning experience for me. I have never been a part of a store from the day it opened before; I was really interesting to have a job that was not selling things to customers. I spent the first month of the job not having to sell or engage with a single customer. I’ve always said that a retail job would be a lot easier without the customer. And now I know it’s true!

I have been working in the back for a while now. Working truck and processing inventory and furniture make the time go by and keep me from having to engage with the public. I like people and work well with them but there is something freeing and amusing not having to deal with them. The other women I work with in the back are great and everyone has a good time. I have never worked with so many people all the time. The jobs I have had I am usually one of a few on the shift. And I do work like that mostly when I am working the sales floor. But I would prefer to work in the back on the inventory.

The managers at the store are nice. This is the first time I have worked somewhere that has had multiple store managers. I have worked with multiple floor managers/shift leaders and such. Different people always have a different method of running things and here it is no different. We hired a new manager. The first guy we have had in that position. We also have a girl that is not quite a manager. She is a key-carrier and can run the shift but I am not sure she is an out and out manager. Yet. It is always funny to have one of your colleges go form the same level as you and then move up the ladder. I have not had any problems with her.

As with most of the low-paying part-time jobs in the market today the only real problems that the job has is not enough hours to give to an employee to make a living. This job is not exception. It is one of those jobs that will end up hiring more people then is needed to run the store so they don't have to give anyone a full schedule that has been there from the beginning. This week has been a prime example of that mentality and is by far one of the most annoying things about the job.

The store is supposed to have schedules for up to the next two weeks. Most of the time they are up to date on it but sometimes they cut it a bit close. The  week we are almost over with I was originally only scheduled for one shift. The one will be working tomorrow. I was looking at a paper with the schedules on it for the whole store and I was only on it for one shift for the whole week. I was understandably pissed. I also have a tendency to get really stressed out when it happens. The beginning of the week rolls by and I get called in to work that Sunday. I have learned at this job never to say no to being called in. I had to do it the week before when the schedule was changed on a day I was off and I was not told about it till I was called and asked why I was late. And of course it was on a day I had been able to do an adult thing and had made an appointment and was at the dentist. That is what I get for trying to be do something adult-like.

So in the process of the week I have had two shifts added to my schedule and I have been called in to work two times also. It has turned out to be a very jam-packed week but I have not had much more then a few days notice. I really don’t like having to live like that. I get really annoyed and I am trying to go to work happy and liking the management. I also had the great experience of having one of the days added on at the end of the shift. I was told it would be 4 o’clock the next day. I am bad at going to bed at a decent hour. I fell into bed around 2 that night/morning depending on how you look at it. Safe in the knowledge I was good till the afternoon. But of course as my luck always seems to have it I was called at 7:15 and told to be in for the early shift.

One thing I have found out about myself over the years is that I don’t do well if forced up and out of the house very fast. I need time to wake up and get something to eat and just generally adjust to being awake. But I had to leave the house in a quarter of the time I usually give myself. I live between 15 and 20 minutes away from work now. I have a tendency of either being 30 minutes early or just about late. So almost enough time to get dressed and get something to drink and get to work on time. That just makes the first hour or so at work annoying cause I am getting my bearings on the day instead of being at work and ready to go.

But you take what you can get and do the best you can when you are there. So at least a week or so of good shifts. It is always better then the weeks were the schedule is bad and I don't get called in.

[ramblingsandthings]

Mid-ish week rumblings

This has been one of those weeks that I still have not been able to figure out in all my days in retail. And the best part is it’s only Tuesday.

I spent the last half of last week very concerned about the schedule for this week, or to be more precise the lack of a schedule for this week. So of course I get called in on Sunday. I am always happy when I can get a shift added to the schedule. But as I am prone to do I didn't get much sleep that night and got to work on four hours of sleep that day.

I was able to get them to add a day to my schedule for the week. Which was nice cause I had missed a day last week when they changed the roster and added a day for me and I was not at work when it was done. I was not called and told and was off for a few days in a row. And as my luck would grant me I was at the dentist the day that was added. So I felt like a complete idiot and jerk cause they called while I was sitting in a dentist chair.

The store is down a manager again cause one of them hurt her foot in the back room again. I believe she will be ok but it does usually mean that the schedule is going to have to be re-worked and they also have the new guy and I am not sure if he has anything to do with making the schedules or not.

Then cut to today. After having Monday off as it was scheduled I didn't want to take the chance of being called in with little to no sleep. And low and behold I was called at 8:30 this morning. I have made it my policy to take every shift they call me about so that I can have them call me when they need extra bodies at work.

Work was good today. I didn't have to work on the sales floor. I work well with the customers and am fine with helping them and doing carry-outs and everything that goes with the sales floor. But I don’t like having to stay on the floor with the customers for the whole shift. Time goes by so much slower and I get frustrated and annoyed much faster.

I am always happier when able to do processing in the back room. I was able to work in the back the whole shift. I had one of the new girls from the back in there with me but it was just so much less stressful to not have to talk to anyone. I was able to process and build furniture. I had tangible proof of what I did that day.

Management have been putting me out on the floor a lot more recently. It makes the shifts take twice as long to finish and on the days where I have to put up rugs I am sweaty and red-faced for the majority of the shift. I know I don’t look good like that and because I have that running through my head I don’t want to deal with the customers. Angie said she was trying to get me on the mark-down team but it is talking a lot of time. So I keep having weeks of working truck and weeks of working the sales floor. I was talking with Theresa a few days ago and she said that I should be getting more hours come summer cause some of the girls will be off. So hopefully that will even some things out for me.