I'm quiet. I always have been. I live in my own brain, going over things over and over again.
From a very young age I was exposed to pornographic material, from someone who was my guardian. As a kid, you don't realize what harm that can do and how can confusing it can be.
No one really wanted to spend time with me growing up, except for my Grandfather, who thankfully lived across the road. I was always bothering someone, I should occupy my own time. No one is here to entertain. I spent a lot of my life feeling lonely in a house that had more than two people.
I was a big girl when I was little. My family teased me relentlessly and told me if I didn't stop eating so much, I'd be so fat by the time I'm 16 that no one would ever love me. Doctor told my mother to leave me alone, she didn't listen. Now I'm 32, and go through periods of starvation if I feel like I'm gaining weight because if I'm fat "no one will love me." My cousins used to grab my fat and call me rice rolls, would make fun of my double chin, my fat arms. Once I left a pair of my jeans at my Aunt's house, her and her daughter both got into each of the legs of my jeans and took a picture, with smug looks on their faces.
When I didn't want birthday cake at my Uncle's birthday, my Aunt open handed slapped me across the face. I didn't want cake because they always shamed me when I would eat junk food.
Once, when I was a kid, my mother was so mad at me, she claimed she was going to find a foster family for me. She dropped me off across the road at my Grandfather's and took off. And didn't come back for HOURS.
I've been kicked out of the family home three times already, only to be gaslighted and told that I was NEVER told that. The first time I spent the night in the park. The last time I was kicked out, my stepson was there and I was coming back to take care of them. Mother adamantly said that I was NOT allowed to come back and then cried wolf to the whole community that I "dumped" them on her. Treated my new boyfriend like shit, even though she knew nothing about him, the situation and just assumed. It's a theme that she knows EVERYTHING.
When my mother and stepfather separated, all she could was badmouth him. Tell me how he was a fat, lazy prick that couldn't get his dick up.
I've often heard the phrase "if it wasn't for you and your Grandfather, I would have had a life" and "there's always just been... something off with her" as well as "I love you but I don't have to like you" and "who do YOU think YOU are?" Clearly not anyone you care about, that's for sure.
When I wiped out on my scooter at like 50 mph and smashed the whole side of my face up, she didn't take me to the hospital and just proceeded to wake me up every five minutes so I didn't fall into a coma. I'm still convinced that I managed to acquire some brain damage from that.
When teased relentlessly st school for being fat and a myriad of other things, her response was to "ignore them." The only time she came into school and caused a fuss is when I came down with head lice and had to stay home from school and she only protested because she couldn't have her fucking alone time.
Bled through my clothes in high school. Called mom to see if she could bring me a change of clothes, to which she yelled at me to use common sense and bring spare underwear next time. She didn't drop me off any clothes.
My stepdad is a long haul trucker so he'd be gone from Sunday night to Friday night. If I'd get in trouble on a Monday, she'd withhold love, stick me with the cold shoulder and silent treatment until the weekend and then would allow my stepfather to get mad at me because I "ruined his weekend." So if they managed to get into a fight because of me on that weekend, she'd withhold love, stay upstairs and leave me alone to occupy myself for a whole other week. She's a master at holding grudges.
I was often involved in fights between them. My bedroom was connected to the laundry room so I often was dragged in there and told how horrible the other parent was.
I've been verbally attacked by more than one of my family members at the same time. They love to use me as a doormat and a scapegoat.
My cousin is so deathly jealous of my relationship with our Grandfather that at his funeral, she said "I don't know why I'm here, I hated the bastard anyway." This is the woman who dated a guy who pissed the bed, EVERY DAY and used to steal my mother's used underwear. Whenever she used to visit my Grandfather, he would put all his valuables in his room, padlock and chain the door closed because she was a THIEF.
My mother's side of the family either married a child molester, housed one or both. My Aunt's first husband molested both my mother and Tanya but yet, the sun shines out of my Aunt's ass. My cousin June married her husband Phil who was a LITERAL kiddy diddler and was dying from cancer. I was always told not to go into Phil's fucking room and now I know why.
I was super excited for a field trip and being a kid, I wanted to go so badly. So I kept bothering my mother, and she kept telling me that we didn't have the money. So, being a kid, I went into my room and had a meltdown. She came into my room, screaming that this is all she had and if I was happy now, all the while throwing pennies at me. Then afterwards she punched me in the shoulder, gave me the finger and stomped out of my room. I wasn't a teenager yet. I was in bunk beds still.
My mother was hooked on codeine but now she's on Kratom and if you didn't know, Kratom is an herb that has been used experimentally to help people with drug addictions. I do believe she takes about 12 caplets.
As an adult, she's accused me of lying about all of this, being a narcissist and will only go to therapy with me if I take a lie detector test. Anything I do, anything I say, anything I try, is just never quite enough.
In most of these cases, the sole blame is placed on me. Every fight, every altercation was caused because of ME and she's innocent. She's never done anything wrong. She has a victim complex. A lie detector test is selfish and only for her, to clear her name. I want to go to therapy so we can try to save this mother/daughter relationship that has been so toxic. Apparently what we want and our values aren't the same. I don't know if I should just give up. She's practically 60. Narcissists don't change.
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